25
Trudy looked different to me. I wondered if her hair was darker. I never purposely made direct eye contact with her, but there were times I couldn't avoid her. She walked over to John and smacked him on the back of the head.
I wished I could say Trudy looked like a hot mess. All women who have affairs with married men should look horrid and out of style. But they usually don”t.
Because this is my life, Trudy looked cute. That was the perfect word for her: cute. She was small with black hair in a pixie cut. Her hair was dry, but she reminded me of a short Anne Hathaway. Every time I saw her, I felt like I should pat her on the head and tell her everything was going to be okay. Then I’d remember she’s a horrible person and should be in a padded room somewhere far away.
Her only redeeming quality was that she was nice to my kids. I think she actually liked them. Paul said her cooking sucked, which was saying a lot because until Simon entered our lives... well, let’s just say that I wasn’t known for my cooking either. James liked her because every week she melted chocolate and came up with new things they could dip in it then give away to neighbors. I’d think the neighbors would tire of getting weekly goodies, but maybe not. If they tasted amazing, I guess I’d be okay with it. He brought me some home once. I ate one because he made it, but it tasted bitter because Trudy had melted the chocolate.
Now here she was, standing in front of me in a form-fitting, short green dress. She looked like she should have wings and a wand sprinkling pixie dust on everything. When she was my friend, I thought she was darling. Now I thought she looked fake and unreal, and should be squashed.
I was having a hard time with the fact I was happy she’d just smacked John on the back of the head. An arch-nemesis shouldn’t do things I agree with. It made me question my views on life.
John bent his neck in surprise. When he turned and saw who had smacked him, he smiled widely. He tried to hug Trudy, but she put a hand on his chest and straightened her arm, keeping him away.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Trudy kept her hand on his chest, pushing against it.
His smile fell. “I’m trying to support Grace. Don’t you think it’s time I support Grace? You always said that the reason you became such a successful yoga instructor was because of my support.”
“What, exactly, are you trying to support her in?” Trudy asked. Her voice became slightly quieter. She must’ve noticed everyone was watching their conversation.
Rebecca also noticed everyone was staring and tried to take some of the attention away from Trudy and John. She put the mic back to her mouth. “Okay. Let’s get the music going again and in twenty minutes we'll find out who was voted reunion king and queen. Woo-hoo.” The woo-hoo wasn’t very enthusiastic and she’d made the whole announcement while staring at Trudy.
When she turned the mic off and handed it back to June, she got off the stage and walked toward me. I put my hand up and shook my head. I mouthed, “Get people dancing. Dance.” She nodded and walked around talking to people, trying to lead them onto the dance floor. Most stared at John and Trudy, but because the music drowned out what they were saying, a few turned away.
I got off the stage and Simon walked over to me. “Trudy looks like Tinkerbell,” Simon said.
I nodded. “Why do you think she’s here?”
“I called her.”
I turned to face him. He kept his eyes on John and Trudy. John had his hands in his pockets with his head down while Trudy was saying something with her arms emphasizing her point.
“Why would you do that?” I asked.
Simon shrugged. “Seemed like the best way to distract John. He was getting out of hand. He doesn’t listen to you, but he listens to Trudy. Trudy was definitely the Alpha in their relationship.”
“I don’t know if I should be insulted by that comment or not.”
Simon linked his arm through mine. “This isn’t anything I haven’t told you before.”
“Seeing them together right now, here, with everyone watching, feels like a nightmare.”
“Does anyone here know who they are?”
I looked around. “I don’t know. They only knew me after him, but he never completely disappeared. No matter how hard I tried.”
“Well, no one who knew you guys before the divorce has ever called her Trudy Harper. They always called her Trudy Flit. In fact, I’ve heard John and Trudy referred to as the Flits instead of the Harpers. You were always Grace Harper, but she was only Trudy Harper with new people they met.”
“I don’t know if I noticed that.”
He tightened his grip on my arm. “Of course not. You didn’t feel that way. You felt like they had taken away your family. I noticed it because I found it odd and humorous. Trudy had ruled that relationship. You know that. It was part of the problem with your marriage. You’d wanted a partnership with John and John had wanted someone else to be in charge.”
“He used to tell me all the time what to do,” I said. “He wanted to be in charge of our marriage. He would get so frustrated if things didn't go his way.”
“You want to have equal responsibility, and he didn’t want to have any. He bossed you around so he could blame you when things went wrong. Nothing was his fault.”
“But he would tell me all the time that I was too lenient with the boys, and I didn’t know how to discipline. If there was a problem at school, he would comment that he was a good dad and he’d never seen any issues, so the problems must’ve been with me.” My words were starting to run together, so I took a deep breath to try to slow down.
“Of course, he did,” Simon said, finally turning to face me. “He can’t take responsibility. Nothing can be his fault. It wasn’t his fault that he had an affair. He blamed you, and he tells people Trudy didn’t give him a choice. The boys never enjoyed living there and just put up with it. Both Paul and Tyler just waited it out and left. They are amazing boys and that’s ninety percent because of you. You let them be themselves. You’ve let your house be a safe place for them. And you do discipline them. When they’ve yelled at you, there have always been consequences. You’ve never just let them yell then given them money to go to the movies.”
I tried to nod. It came out as a slanted shake. I wasn”t sure.
“John can’t handle responsibility. He’s great at his job because he’s told what to do. If he knows what’s required of him, he does great. He was never going to be your partner. Trudy told him what to do and where to go and hid it all under ‘encouragement.’ She told him he could be whatever he wanted to be, but then told him what that was.”
“So why is he doing this now? He must know our relationship isn’t the kind he wants. Even if he won’t admit he likes a woman who makes all of the decisions, he’s told me every week since we divorced how unhappy he was with me and how Trudy is his soulmate.”
I looked back over at them. His face was still down, but I detected a slight smirk. “Do you think he did all this to try and get Trudy back?”
Simon studied them. “Maybe. I think he was trying to get one of you back. He can’t be alone. Then he has no one else to put blame on.”
I nodded a few times and kept staring at them. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rebecca dancing with Justin while looking at me. A few others were around them dancing too. The twinkle lights blinked on and off. The atmosphere felt like a decent, fun party.
I shook my hands out to try to relieve some of the stress in my shoulders. “Okay. We should probably get over there and kick them out of here so Rebecca can choose a king and queen.”
Simon slid his hand down my arm and took my hand. “She made up all those awards on the fly?”
“She was one of my best students,” I acknowledged.
We walked over hand in hand and stopped in front of John and Trudy. At some point, Trudy had stopped waving her hands around. John looked at me, then at Simon and back at Trudy. Trudy didn’t look at either one of us.
“…and this i
s why we stopped working, John. You never knew what you wanted, so you were never going to be successful enough for me. I need someone who can give me the life I need. Not some single dad who works just enough.”
John apologized, but still had a slight smirk on his face. “Well, isn’t this just nice and cozy?”
I gestured toward the cafeteria. “Why don’t we go in there so everyone can have fun without any disturbances.”
Trudy lifted her chin and led the way to the door. Once we were inside, I picked up an empty plastic container and put some garbage in it until Simon took the container from my hands and threw it away.
“We can do this later,” he whispered. He gave me a smile of encouragement.
“Shouldn’t you say something because you invited her here?” I whispered back. I tried to look encouraging. We both chuckled at each other. I wanted to cry, but at least my relationship with Simon was staying intact.
Neither one of us had to say anything because Trudy folded her arms and asked, “So why are we in a cafeteria?” She looked around. “And why are all cafeterias so dull? At least this one has a painting of the mascot on one wall, but it’s still pretty boring in here.”
“Because there’s a high school reunion going on and I thought privacy might be better.” I leaned back against the counter and put my hands behind me.
John stretched his arms out wide. “We’re all friends here. What’s the big deal?”
“Why do you love this?” I asked.
Trudy hit him on the back of the head again. “Because he’s an idiot.” She turned and pointed at me. “You owe me big time for taking him off your hands."
I stood straight. “Don’t go there. You destroyed a family.”
Trudy shrugged her shoulders and pulled on her dress. She stood as tall as she could and looked at Simon. “I didn’t know you had it in you, Gracie. When we were friends, you always seemed to be trying to appease John to keep the peace. Now you’re standing on your feet. Seems to me you’re better off without John.”
“Do you honestly think I should be thanking you?” My hands clenched into fists and I looked around for utensils I could throw at her.
Trudy pretended to wipe off a section of the counter with her hand and leaned back against it. “I thought that’s why I was here.” She waved her hand at Simon. “He texted me that I should come.”
Simon took a step closer to me. “Stop. Now. I told you John was making a scene and you needed to come get him. You came and made more of a scene.”
Trudy smiled smugly. “He’s really not my problem anymore. I’ve filed divorce papers and moved on to better things.” She looked at Simon and let her eyes slowly wander over him. “As did Gracie.”
John looked like he was watching a tennis match, the way his eyes flitted between Trudy and me. I knew I’d have imprints from my nails in my palms for the rest of the evening with how tight I was holding my fists.
“What are you smiling at now?” I asked John. “You have two women who don’t want you and wish you’d just disappear, and you look like you’re at a buffet.”
“You two are fighting over me.”
“We’re fighting over who has to be around you,” I said.
He shrugged. “I’m the center of attention. It’s back to the way it was with you two both upset with each other because of me. It’s nice to know I can still affect you so much. You say you don’t love me, but why are you so upset then? If you didn’t care, my being here wouldn’t affect you."
I stared at him. I had chosen him. Me. I had looked at this man and thought I’d like to have children with him. I tried to think back to college when he was different. He had to be. I could not have fallen for such a narcissist. I closed my eyes. I thought I’d loved him, and that one decision would be with me forever. I slowly opened my eyes and wondered if I should run.
Trudy looked at me for a moment then back at John. She nodded her head once and put her hand on her hip. “John, you should just come home with me and we should talk.”
“Why with you?” John asked. He glanced over at me quickly. I had a blank look.
Trudy sighed. “Because you and I have a different relationship than you do with Gracie. And I probably do owe her one. It’s not my fault your marriage sucked, and I was able to get in between the two of you. But I could see how an outsider might think I had something to do with you getting a divorce.”
“You always said we were soulmates, and it would’ve happened eventually no matter what.”
“That seemed to turn out well,” I said. Simon took one of my fists in both of his hands and slowly forced it to open so he could put his hand in mine.
Trudy shrugged. “You weren’t the person I thought you were.”
I couldn't believe this conversation was happening now, right in front of me. I wanted to scream. All of those lonely nights I’d wished for my family back, and now I had to listen to the conversation I’d hoped to hear so long ago. Simon squeezed my hand, and I tried to relax my grip in his, but I couldn’t. Holding his hand was the only thing keeping me from hitting both of them.
“I think you just need to find someone different, John.” Trudy folded her arms again. “You had a good thing with Grace, and you blew it and you had a good thing with me, and you blew it, and now you need to find a good thing with someone else.”
John turned to Trudy. “I didn’t blow it. I’ve been the same our whole marriage. I got a better job and you got a better job, and we both supported each other and turned to each other. We said we were going to do things differently this time. We had learned from our previous marriages, and we were going to do better. We had a plan, and I did what I was supposed to do. I don’t work at UPS anymore, and I built you a house. I did everything you said would make us happy.”
“I guess it didn’t work. You can’t make someone else happy. It’s what Grace tried to do with you, and you cheated on her. You did it with me, and I cheated on you.”
“You just had to ask, and I would’ve done whatever you’d asked.”
“That’s the problem, John. I’ve realized you’re simply not what I wanted. I thought you were, and I was wrong. I want someone who doesn’t need me to tell him to get a better job and a better house. Gary just knows what he wants and goes after it. He wants money.” She smiled. Her face reminded me of the Grinch before his heart grew three sizes. “And he wants me. He likes how I’m a yoga instructor. And he thinks I should open my own studio. You couldn’t help me like that.”
John’s shoulders sank.
Trudy shook her head. “You may earn more than Cleo, but you could never make the money Gary does. Sometimes now is more important than what's possible.”
“That’s not what you said before.”
“Move on, John. We all have.” Trudy spread her arm out to include Simon and me in her statement. I shivered.
She patted him on the back. “At least we didn’t have kids. Think of the nightmare that would’ve been. Working out visitation with Grace was horrid. Imagine if we had to do it. I mean, your kids are decent enough, but imagine spending the next year in and out of court.” She quivered. “And Gary and I would like to travel.”
“We’ve traveled,” John said. “We’ve traveled more than I did with Grace.”
“Another thing I made you do,” Trudy said. “I’m tired of babying you.”
“I can be that person. I can go back to school and become a doctor.”
Trudy rolled her eyes. “Too late.”
“You can’t leave me until I find someone else,” John said.
I threw my hands up. “Tell me there is more to you, John. Tell me I wasn’t wrong to think you wanted a family when I married you.”
“Of course, I wanted a family. Why do you think I’m asking you to take me back?”
“But you’re also asking Trudy. How can you tell me you want a family with me and say the same thing to Trudy?”
“I need someone in my life.”
“How can you be so s
elfish?” Simon rubbed my arm. I tried to let it calm me a little, but it didn’t.
“Isn’t that what life is all about? To live your best life?” John’s focus switched back and forth between Trudy and me.
“Most people think you do that by helping others, not just yourself.”
“That’s why we have kids,” John said. “You put their needs first.”
I stared at him. “You wouldn’t help a three-legged dog now, would you?”
“I might.”
“If it got you something.”
“That dog got me you.”
“You have to have more in you,” I said. “I need you to have more in you, John. There has to be more.”
“What do you mean?”
"Why did I marry you? There has to be a reason why I married you and right now I just can't figure it out.”
Simon's hand felt looser in my hand. I turned to him. “Wait. Just wait. How could I have made that decision? How can I help the boys with their life choices when I was so horrid at mine? It had to be different before, doesn’t it?”
26
Usually you hear about people seeing their life flash before their eyes during near death experiences. I felt like I was seeing all of the decisions I’d ever made in my life represented by an overly tall childlike adult I’d been married to at a high school reunion. Maybe I was dying and didn’t know it. Maybe the floor was about to open up and swallow me. I didn’t want to die—I wanted to see who Paul and Tyler would marry. I just wanted to appear in an alternate universe where John and Trudy didn’t exist. Maybe your life flashes before your eyes before inter-dimensional travel too. I closed my eyes for a second, and opened them again. Nope. Still here.
Rebecca and Justin walked into the room, holding hands. Rebecca pulled him to me and gave me a one-arm hug. “What’s going on?” She whispered into my ear.
My shoulders slumped. I was barely keeping it together. If I talked about it, I knew I’d cry. I decided to ignore everything and everyone else in the room. “How are you two getting along?”
Better Off Divorced Page 17