Having a goal helped and getting out of the clinic was mine. I needed to get my life back in this world. I didn’t know exactly what that would mean or where it would take me, but I was determined to find out.
A few days after the funeral, Levi came to my room, looking confused.
‘Do you mind if I come in?’ he asked.
I put away my notebook – it had now become a journal where I was attempting to document every moment, every conversation, every outing I’d shared with Ethan.
Levi sat in the chair and looked at me as I sat cross-legged on the bed. ‘Sabine … um, you might not have realised this, but Ethan had been quite thorough in his preparations. He’d regularly updated his Last Will and Testament, and since his parents are no longer with us he’d asked me to look after the proceedings. The will was read today.’
‘Oh.’ Had he left something for me? I didn’t know if I could bear it, but at the same time I would’ve done anything for a photo. I didn’t have a single photo.
‘Sabine, it seems Ethan left some instructions for me, in regards to you.’
He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and a folded piece of paper. He handed me the sealed envelope. ‘Sabine’ was simply written on the front.
He opened the piece of paper. ‘Ethan left us both a note. Mine … Well, at the end of it, he said …’ He cleared his throat. ‘“Please give my other letter to Sabine. I know that you have all formulated your opinions about her, but for what it’s worth, it is my professional opinion that she is of sound mind and not in any way a threat to herself or any other person. Take your time, Levi. Be sure, as I know you will be, before you let her out. But I know your instincts will tell you the same thing, and I implore you to trust in them as you always taught me to do. Furthermore, I hereby bequeath that, after the donations earlier stipulated, all of my holdings, my apartment and most importantly my car, be given to Sabine in full.”’
He looked at me again as I stared back at him, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. He shook his head and cleared his throat once more. ‘I don’t know what went on between you two. I’m sure I probably don’t want to know either, but he also wrote one last thing.’ He smiled. ‘“P.S. Buy her a pair of jeans.”’
It was the P.S. that made me lose it. Him too.
Levi and I bawled like babies.
That night, I read Ethan’s letter.
My Sabine,
I just left your room. You were so beautiful lying there sound asleep that I couldn’t bear to wake you. But I’m not feeling so great and there are things I promised to tell you that I fear I may not get the chance to.
I know you had once hoped that I would be the one to pass on your letters to Maddie once you were gone. But, as it turns out, I think it is going to be me who ends up leaving the letters behind.
Be mad at me. You should. But after that try to understand that I did what I thought was best. I wanted to tell you. So many times I snuck down to your room planning on telling you everything, but I just couldn’t.
Partly it was for you – yes. You needed time and I didn’t want to influence your choices, even once I realised what was happening between us, even more so then. Falling in love with you only made those choices more complicated and I feared that you might choose to stay for me and then, after I was gone, change your mind. I couldn’t let that happen.
Partly the choice was selfish, and for that I am sorry. For so long now people have been trying to fix me, but where they failed, you succeeded. You’ve given me more life in the last couple of weeks than I’ve had in years. Being with you, loving you, making memories with you, fearing for you, wanting to show you the beauty of life instead of the terror – it was bitter-sweet, but more importantly, Sabine, it was real.
I know this is the part when I beg you to go on, live your life and be happy. But I don’t need to say those things. I know you. Your lives will be extraordinary. You certainly made mine feel that way.
Please find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I wish we’d had more time, but I want to thank you – for giving me life in my time of death.
My love for you is eternal.
Ethan.
P.S. I’ve left you my car, because I know you love the freedom – and my apartment, because you need something to come back to. We joked once that I was a figment of your imagination – you’ll see my whole life in that apartment, if you want to, so you can always be sure I was there. I hope it might be a place you can call home – a place where you can be yourself.
E.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Two and a half weeks after Dex’s attack in Wellesley, I was starting to look more like myself again. Most of the bruising on my face had faded and, apart from still having to move about slowly with my ribs, I was functioning. Physically anyway.
Miriam and Lucy had visited me often while I was in hospital. They tried to ask me about what happened a few times, but I just told them I needed to move on. They seemed to accept that, but I also saw the change. The way they looked at me differently. And when I told Miriam I wouldn’t be able to go away with her to the Hamptons, the small sigh of relief. I understood. What had happened had changed things for all of us, and it would take them time to accept that our bubble of perfectness had burst.
On my second Saturday home from the hospital, Ryan called to let Mom and me know that he was on his way. Mostly he was checking if it was still all right for him to bring his friend. I knew he was asking for my benefit, so I told him it was no problem. When I got off the phone, Mom was staring at me.
‘What?’ I asked.
She looked me up and down. ‘I just, I’ve never seen you in … jeans.’
I looked down at my outfit of fitted dark-blue jeans and a white singlet top. It was definitely not what she was used to. I shrugged. ‘I’m just trying out something new.’ The truth was, I was just trying, period.
‘You look completely different,’ Mom went on.
‘I’m still me. Just me, Mom.’
With that she hugged me and headed off to play squash with Lyndal.
I hung out in my room, looking at my college material, trying to decide what I wanted to do – if Harvard was really where I wanted to go. I didn’t know.
When I heard the familiar sound of Ryan’s car horn, I levered myself off my bed and went out to the balcony. He was opening up the boot and waved at me. I waved back before heading down to greet him.
Ryan would never be my shitty brother again. In fact, we were becoming pretty close. And while Lucas and I didn’t exactly talk on the phone every other night, things were better there too.
Walking downstairs, I saw a guy standing in the front doorway, his back to me. Ryan’s friend, obviously.
‘Hey,’ I said.
He spun around. I lost my footing and slid down the last few steps, landing ungracefully on my butt and jarring my ribs in the process.
‘Hey, are you okay?’ He raced over to me, crouching close.
I closed my eyes, my heart racing. Too frightened to look. That voice.
How? It couldn’t be. It must be my mind playing tricks on me. I was seeing ghosts.
‘Did you hurt yourself?’ he asked, that voice again, so familiar and yet so foreign at the same time.
I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes and clenched my jaw, not sure if my emotion was dominated by fear or hope.
Slowly I opened my eyes and lifted my head.
Dark hair. Full, unmistakable lips. Deepwater-blue, beautiful eyes.
‘Ethan?’ I whispered.
He smiled, looking relieved. ‘Yeah, I’m your brother’s friend.’ But then his smile faltered. He looked more closely at me, his eyes blinking. ‘I know you.’ His voice had dropped to a whisper.
He held out his hand and mine flew to his, fitting just as I remembered. Just as I’d dreamed every night and thought I would never feel again. He helped me up, his hold firm, warm, alive.
I staggered, trying to make my legs work.
Ethan.
I couldn’t stop the tear that slid down my cheek. ‘It’s you,’ I whispered.
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ he asked, his other hand on my shoulder, supporting me. I could feel exactly where the pad of each finger pressed.
‘No.’ I was trembling all over, but also amazed. ‘But maybe one day,’ I said, soaking up his touch and gazing into his gentle eyes. He was different. His hair was short and neat. He looked bigger, stronger. That made me smile. Healthier.
We stared into each other’s eyes as if drawn together by some invisible magnet that was beyond our control. He half laughed, baffled. ‘Why do I feel like I want to laugh, or cry, or hug you? Something,’ he said, brow furrowed. ‘Who are you?’
I smiled, remembering a conversation I’d once had with my Ethan. ‘That’s a complicated question.’ I squeezed his hand. ‘But I will tell you. If you truly want to know. Another time.’
‘Why am I so sure I know you?’ he asked, dazed.
Over the lump in my throat, I said the words that Ethan had once said to me. The words I now realised were the ones that made me fall in love with him. ‘Because some things are so real you can feel them to your core. It doesn’t matter where you go, they go with you. Anywhere.’
He chuckled, squeezing my hand back. ‘I have no idea what that means.’
‘You will.’
He was still staring at me when Ryan came stumbling through the door with a couple of bags.
‘Cheers, buddy, great help,’ he said, looking at Ethan. ‘I see you two have met.’ Then he noticed just how close we were standing and his expression changed to suspicion. ‘Ethan, back off. And Sabine, be nice. Ethan here just got out of hospital himself last week.’
My eyes went wide. ‘Why? Are you sick?’ Oh god, please not again.
His gentle smile returned. ‘No, I just fainted. A bit of a medical mystery, really. They ran a bunch of tests and I’m fine. They figure I must have eaten something bad or caught an odd bug. Storm in a tea cup.’ He watched me, looking fascinated by my concern and then pleased with my relief.
‘Come on, Ethan. I’ll show you to the pool house.’ Ryan started walking towards the back doors. When he turned back and saw Ethan still staring at me, he let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Dude, you’re macking on my sister.’ I thought Ryan might go into his newfound protective big-brother mode, so I looked at him pointedly and smiled.
Smiles lately had become so rare.
Ryan slumped against the wall, still holding the bags. ‘Oh for pity’s sake. She’ll be here all weekend.’ He rolled his eyes.
Ethan smiled at me and followed Ryan to the pool house, looking back every few steps as if to check that I was real. I understood completely. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
It turns out my Ethan had been absolutely right. You never do know what’s just around the corner. Of course, Levi would have another explanation altogether. Not that I cared.
I walked out the front of the house and tilted my head to the clear blue sky, a small breeze finding its way to me. ‘I’m ready, Ethan. You were right. I was lost. But you found me, between the lives.’
I didn’t know if this Wellesley version was like my Ethan. Nothing would ever take away the memory of Roxbury’s Ethan. I’d always love him and I had every other day to walk in my Roxbury life and honour that. I didn’t know if this Ethan would love me like I’d once been loved, or if I could one day love him too. But I knew, unequivocally, I would do whatever it took to find out.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
It has been a privilege to work with the people who have helped bring Between the Lives to readers. It takes a small army to produce the final product and I have been so lucky to work with such an enthusiastic and passionate team.
As always, I must start with my agent Selwa Anthony, whose friendship, guidance and support are invaluable.
Thanks to the entire team at HarperCollins Australia, none more so than my publisher Tegan Morrison, who has championed this book from the outset and worked tirelessly to make Sabine’s story everything it could be. Thanks also to chief executive officer James Kellow, head of children’s publishing Cristina Cappelluto, proofreader Pam Dunne, designer Matt Stanton (you know how much I love the cover, Matt!), and marketing executive Tim Miller. I’d also like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank Amy Fox in sales, Elizabeth O’Donnell in international rights, Janelle Garside in production, and children’s assistant Gemma Fahy.
A quick shout-out to the staff at French Moments in Sydney for their help with the French translations! Any errors that remain are my own.
Many thanks to my family, who continue to endure early drafts and dare to be honest. I love you all, and your honesty! To my husband Matt, who goes beyond constantly, I do not deserve you – but I’m never giving you back! And to our girls, Sienna and Winter, whose hearts grow bigger and minds grow stronger every day.
Finally, to all of the readers and bloggers out there who have supported my books – your enthusiasm and support is continually humbling. This story means so much to me and I’m delighted to have this opportunity to share it with you.
Copyright
HarperCollinsPublishers
First published in Australia in 2013
This edition published in 2013
by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited
ABN 36 009 913 517
harpercollins.com.au
Copyright © Jessica Shirvington 2013
The right of Jessica Shirvington to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.
This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry:
Shirvington, Jessica.
Between the lives / Jessica Shirvington.
ISBN: 978 0 7322 9626 1 (pbk.)
ISBN: 978 1 7430 9811 0 (epub)
For young adults.
A823.4
Cover design by Matt Stanton, HarperCollins Design Studio
Cover image by shutterstock.com
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