Finding Ava

by Jennifer Loren

  “Sean,” Nicole said cocking her head with a provocative gaze.

  “How are you today, Nicole?”

  “Better now but I could be even better if you have dinner with me tonight?” Most men would have agreed without question to the beautiful blond but I hesitate.

  There is nothing more I can do about Ava, it has been months and she has yet to even respond to my gift. She has obviously moved on and so should I. “What time?” I asked. My inner turmoil continues for the rest of the day into the night but I still pick up Nicole and we have dinner at a place she recommends. The dinner is wonderful and the conversation is decent. She is charming, beautiful, and eager for us to be alone. At the end of the night, I take her by the hand and escort her to her door hoping for more than a kiss. I am sure she wants the same but I am not sure if I am able to overcome the voice in my head.

  She leans in close to me. “So do you want to come in?”

  Leaning against her doorframe and staring into her smiling eyes, I stop myself again. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” Huffing she dismisses my indecision and presses her lips against mine.

  Taking hold of her aggressive hands, I gently pull away from her. “Good night, Nicole,” I said walking away. By the time we finish shooting, Nicole begins speaking to me again but yet I still board my flight home leaving her number behind in my hotel room.

  ~

  There is not much to do when I get home from filming. I try to keep myself busy and distracted but I am becoming anxious and wanting to get laid more than ever. It should be easy, I thought, walking into an old hangout and drinking immediately to work up the courage needed. Within minutes my ex, Courtney approaches, which should not be a surprise since we did meet here.

  “Sean, I haven’t seen you here in a long time.”

  Looking over her slutty outfit, I immediately have to fight my temptation to run. I need this. I just need to get her to my house before she talks too much and annoys me into changing my mind. “Courtney, you look good,” I said forcing a smile and focusing on the goal.

  “I know,” she smiled appreciatively. “So, you here alone?” I nod silently. “Are you going home alone?”

  I take another drink nodding, “unless you want to change that.” She melts into agreement. I call my driver and hurry her to the car. As soon as I shut the car door she leaps on top of me, grinding down hard and barely giving me a chance to breathe, while I repeat to myself, I need this. Once we get to my house, I push her up the stairs to my room, we kiss and grab at each other the whole way. I am pulling Courtney’s clothes off as she kisses my neck, pulling off my shirt, watching her take her underwear off, while I strip down to nothing. I kiss her and she kisses me back, rubbing the back of my head and positioning her legs around me. My dick is hard as hell and in position when she begins kissing along my jaw line, “ohhh Ava.” Unfuckingbelievable!

  “Who did you call me?” She asked pushing me off her. I shake my head. “Sean?”

  “Give me a minute,” I snapped while walking to the bathroom. Unbelievable. I am not doing anything I haven’t done before her. Why is it so hard now? Splashing some water in my face, I continue to argue with myself.

  Courtney begins pacing with a loud impatient huff. “Hey what’s this?” She called out. “Is this you? It is, but who’s the girl?” I lean out to see her holding the painting that Ava did for me. I forgot about it, never bothering to hang it up and never bothering to move it from the spot I had left it, after I removed it from my sight. “Are you okay?” She tenses as I approach her.

  “You need to go Courtney.”

  “Why,” she squeaked. “Sean? What is wrong with you?”

  Silently, I help her out of my house and safely home. It has been more than a year. How can one girl do this to me? I crawl into bed next to the painting, unwilling to touch it.

  Chapter 28: Spencer

  Thanks to Sean Grant there has been renewed interest in me. This new interest has brought in a reporter that is now working behind the scenes to raise money for my cause and provide services I wouldn’t have had otherwise. My newly provided, well-paid attorneys are frantically working on my appeal. They say it looks promising, considering how much improvement I have made under Dr. Knight’s care. All I have to do is be the man they want to see, the man they want to believe that I am. Innocent and weak, I beg and pray for help in every interview I have with them. I plead until they see the tears in my eyes, until they feel the pain I desire them to feel. “Ava is the love of my life, I can’t dare go on knowing she is angry with me. I know she still cares for me. If someone would only help me talk to her then I know she will forgive me. If only someone would help me, I know I could convince her that it was all done out of love. My poor Ava, she is obviously ill. She needs psychological care and I want to help her get that care. I want to be there for her – forever.”

  “Mr. Jefferis, your story is unbelievable. I can’t believe after all that you have been through, that your only concern is for the woman that put you here. I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to get you out of here and make sure you have the opportunity to face Ms. Kelley and let her know how you feel. I have made some calls to some friends of mine and they assured me that you will be getting a new trial. Your attorneys are filing papers right now to have you released until the new trial. Now we are going to need to keep this quiet so we don’t have to run into any unnecessary walls.” Proud of himself, and anticipating the interview of a lifetime Mr. Brinkman sighs with happiness. “So if all goes well Mr. Jefferis, you should be walking out of this prison within a few weeks. How do you feel about that?” Mr. Brinkman said with his glowing teeth shining expectantly.

  This man disgusts me, I crave the opportunity to slit his throat and watch him bleed. Sitting back with an easy smile, “Mr. Brinkman, all I can say is that I can’t wait to have my life back. It will be so nice to walk out of here and see my mother and actually hug her. I can’t wait to drive a car or eat a steak.”

  “Do you have any dreams that are little harder for me to help you with?” Brinkman laughs.

  “Oh … I have all kinds of dreams. I can’t wait to have a farm full of cattle, a house far from nosey neighbors, three sons and a little girl with red hair – just like her mother’s.”

  Chapter 29: Sean

  Christmas Day and I managed to get up early and drag myself to my brother’s and surprisingly I am glad I did. Playing with my nephew all-day has helped me forget all my issues. I even changed his diaper, several times. He is a constant mess, I am not impressed with that at all but he is cute as hell and I love him despite his lack of much hair and teeth. When he fell asleep for the night, I find Ethan out on the deck, staring off into nowhere.

  “You know, I never thought I could love anyone this much and Abbey, she is so amazing with him.” I listen to him go on and on with so much love and compassion for his family, like nothing else matters to him other than them. “Don’t worry Sean, it will happen for you one day.”

  I wonder if it will, if I even want it to. Without warning, the image enters my thoughts abruptly, she is beautiful and humming to our baby, swaying with him in her arms. Sigh. Damn I want it to be true. I must be out of my mind for even considering such a thing. Shaking it off I return to reality, “so where is Mom anyway?”

  He laughs, “I think she has a new boyfriend.”

  “Really?”

  “She came by this week to take Collin out for a special day with Grandma, spoiling him rotten with toys galore. Then she said she couldn’t be here today because she had important business to attend to, so she had dinner with us last night and left this morning.”

  “She stopped by to see me the other day and said she wasn’t going to be around but I didn’t think anything of it. Why did it make you think she has a boyfriend?” I asked him watching him laugh to himself.

  “No, it’s the man’s voice in the background whenever I call her.”

  Looking o
ver at him wide eyed, “are you serious?”

  “Yes, it’s hilarious. Especially if you try to call her out on it, she’s a horrible liar,” Ethan laughs harder.

  “I would love to hear that,” I said leaning back in my chair with a wide smile of my own.

  “You have to catch her at an odd time but usually she answers without thinking to go somewhere private first. She would never make a good spy, she’s so obvious, and she thinks we are oblivious to everything.” Suddenly a huge Cheshire grin comes over his face. “You want to call her now and see?”

  “Do you think she’s with him right now?”

  Ethan nods, “sure it’s Christmas Day, where else would she be?”

  “Let’s do it”

  Making ourselves comfortable and joking about the man our mother is possibly seeing, we hover over Ethan’s phone. “Okay now stop laughing,” Ethan said putting his phone on speaker after dialing Mom’s number.

  “Hello Ethan,” Mom said obliviously happy.

  “How are you doing Mom?”

  “Oh I’m fine. Merry Christmas, I love you.”

  “Merry Christmas to you and we all love you too,” he said, winking at me. “So what do you have planned for the day?” I listen hard for a man’s voice, smiling expectantly.

  “Oh not much, probably hanging out at the spa all-day getting facials and such, you know.”

  I almost laugh at the ridiculous lie, until I hear dogs barking and playing. “Mary this is so cute, she is going to look so adorable in this.” Immediately I stand up straight, listening even harder than I would ever think possible.

  Grabbing the phone with a fierce intensity, “Mom, where are you?” Silence. “Mother tell me where you are!” I yell.

  “Sean - Merry Christmas,” she sung.

  “Sean!” The voice said before something crashes hard.

  “Sean are you still there?” My mother nervously asks.

  “Mother, where are you?” I ask with an angered determination.

  “What do you mean? I am in my room watching TV.”

  “Mother, the TV doesn’t talk back to you or say my name.”

  “Oh you must have heard it wrong, funny how things travel over the phone. You know once…”

  “Mother, I want to know why you are with her?”

  “With who Sean?”

  I begin to shake with anger and confusion. “Mother!”

  “Oh Sean, I have to go. My room service is at the door. I will call you later. Good-bye sweetie, I love you.” The phone goes silent while I stand stunned.

  “Was she with?” Ethan asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Why is she with Ava?”

  “I don’t know,” I said still shaking.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I thought you had someone watching Ava, how did you not know this?” I lean over at him angry.

  “I have someone watching out for her, not reporting to me on her every movement. I told you I wasn’t going to pry into her private life and more importantly I didn’t think you wanted to know.”

  I begin walking in circles rubbing my head, “I need to go to Atlanta.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, get me a flight out as soon as possible.”

  “Okay,” Ethan says with an awkward glare.

  ~

  The day after Christmas and I have so many questions and so many I am not sure I want to ask or know. The biggest being, will I be able to leave her again, even if she wants me to? My flight is too short for me to arrange my thoughts and the drive to her house is even shorter. I grab my bag with a shaky tension before heading towards her door. I knock hearing scuffling and whispering on the other side. The boys look out the windows at me, not barking but whimpering for me. At least they didn’t forget me.

  The door flies open and my heart pounds as I stare down at the feet of my greeter. “Sean,” a surprised voice said. Justin. My hopeful heart stops for good when I see the baby in his arms with soft red curls. “I guess I should have known you would show up eventually. Of course, it would have to be my day to baby-sit. You might as well come in.” He motioned for me to come in and for some reason I follow him, even though my mind keeps screaming at me to leave. I hate him, I could knock the hell out of him right now. “So I guess you finally wondered what your mother has been doing here all this time.”

  “What the hell is she doing here?”

  He laughs, still holding the baby while I take a second look at her. She is beautiful and there is no question that her mother is Ava. I close my eyes hard, looking away from her. “Well you know she always liked Ava. And when Lillah here was born there was no getting rid of her then.”

  “Lillah, that’s her name?”

  “Ummm yea, it was Ava’s mother’s name.” I know that already, prick.

  “She’s beautiful,” I said without looking at him or her.

  “Yea she is, oh I’m sorry. Here.” He lifts her towards me.

  I wave my hands up high at him, “no, that’s okay, I only want to talk to my mother and then get out of here.” He looks surprised. He is an asshole.

  “Really?” He makes a strange expression before his phone rings. “Hi baby, well I’m baby-sitting. You are. Well I don’t know what I can do.” Justin looks up at me smiling sheepishly. “Actually baby, I will meet you in thirty minutes. Yea, I know. No, I have someone perfect to watch her. Okay, I will see you soon. That was my fiancé. She is registering for gifts and is all upset about choosing the right plates or something, I don’t know. Anyway, since you are waiting for your mother, you wouldn’t mind watching Lillah would you,” he said putting the baby in my arms before I have a chance to protest. “I didn’t think so.” Justin puts on his coat and heads for the door.

  “Wait, you are going out to meet Ava and I am supposed to watch your … her baby while you’re out looking for china?”

  He turns laughing at me. “Wow! Sean you really are clueless. I thought you were just a real asshole but I guess that makes me wrong. Ava will be happy to hear that, she always likes being right.”

  Shivering at the sound of her name coming from his mouth, “so you are going to meet … her?”

  “No, Sean I am going to meet my fiancée, Holly.”

  “You have a baby with Ava and you’re marrying someone else?”

  He laughs again, “Sean as soon as you left I admit I tried. I tried like hell to get her to forget about you, especially when I found out about Lillah.” He shakes his head looking down at his feet. “I even booked a flight to LA ready to kick your ass. But in the end no matter what I did to you it wasn’t going to make any difference, she is always going to love you. So, I finally gave up and found someone else. And believe it or not, I couldn’t be happier.”

  “And your baby?”

  Justin laughs. “You know you’re right, Lillah is beautiful,” he said staring admiringly at the baby in my arms. “She looks so much like Ava. Well except for her eyes, her eyes as beautiful as they are,” he says with an expression I do not understand. “Those eyes … well they look exactly like her father’s.” He walks halfway out the door before stopping again.” Oh and Sean, my eyes are brown.” He smiles arrogantly before walking out.

  With his words still lingering in the air, I begin piecing together the fragments to try to make sense of it all but everything keeps coming back to the baby in my arms. I pull her away from my chest and then I know. Staring into her beautiful green eyes, my tension lessens and my heart suddenly pieces itself back together, only stronger. “Hello Lillah, my sweet girl,” I said as she puts her little hand to my face as if she knows who I am already. Kissing her hand, she giggles, making her father the happiest man in the world. “I’m sorry sweetheart, if I had known I would have been here sooner. You forgive me?” I kiss her sweet rosy cheeks and become overwhelmed as the understanding races through my head. You’re why my mother is here … Lillah. My child. My daughter. Her granddaughter. It is almost too much, I would have ne
ver thought Ava capable of keeping a secret like this. Swallowing hard, I change my concentration back to my daughter, watching her take hold of my fingers while the warmth embraces me. She is so beautiful, she even has Ava’s sweet pouty lips that she frequently pushes into a breathtaking smile, and I am falling in love with her already. I’m in awe watching her, ten toes, ten fingers … I continue to count, going through the complete checklist. Checking her little chubby legs and arms and her little chubby belly, while she giggles and holds tight to my fingers. She is perfect, I am in love, and this love is easy for me to understand.

  As the day goes on, I realize my daughter is as stubborn as her mother. I am in trouble for sure. I also learn the way she cries when she is hungry, the way she is cranky when she needs to be changed or the way she rubs her eyes when she is tired. At the end of the day, I cradle her in my arms, rocking her to sleep before putting her in her crib and watching her sleep peacefully until I hear a car pull up. I jump to the window to see my mother walking in with food bags. Now maybe I can get some real answers, more answers than I even knew I needed. I grab the baby monitor and pull the door shut before walking into the kitchen as my mother lays out takeout and not taking notice of me at all.

  “Mother?”

  She jumps slightly but does not seem to be surprised to see me. “Oh Sean, you scared me, you shouldn’t do that.” She continues to unload food and setting the table, even kissing my cheek in the process. “I hope you’re hungry, we have plenty. I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach.”

  “Mother, you’re not at all surprised to see me?”

  “Oh Sean, I’m your mother. I know what you are going to do before you do.”

  “How is that possible? Actually never mind that. Why are you here?”

  “You know why or haven’t you met your daughter?”

  “I have been with her all-day but that doesn’t explain why you would go behind my back and …”