by Simone Elise
It was like I had touched a subject that made him pull the eject rope. Wish I knew why he wanted out of my life. But I guess I should be used to people, especially Hawkins, coming abruptly into my life and departing just as abruptly, giving no real reason.
I stopped touching him. I got off his arm and sat up. He wanted to run and I wasn’t going to stop him. I had no right. As much as I would love for him to tell me why he wanted to run, what was scaring him, I had to let him go.
“Soph.” He was saying my name like he was trying to undo something. There was nothing to undo.
I was averting my eyes, looking everywhere but in his direction.
“Soph?”
He must have read my reaction. He must have realized I had read his reaction well. I had got the point, he wanted out, he wanted to run.
“Like you said, Josh, you should go.” I pushed the blankets down and went to get up. I knew I was going to have to look at him, so I wiped my expression. And I gave him a fake smile. “Go fix whatever needs fixing.” I didn’t need to know the details, wasn’t my place. “Like I’ve said before, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
He knew that by now, right?
“Soph, come back.”
I was forced to look at him again and kept my expression neutral. “Josh, you should know by now, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. You don’t have to tell me anything.” It was a simple fact. I didn’t expect anything from him, but every little thing he gave me I was so grateful for. I forced a smile, keeping what I was really thinking to myself: “Go start your day. Thanks for last night.”
And I was thankful. I was so thankful for him being with me last night. I don’t know why he came home, but he had, and he had spent the night with me. He had made me eat; he acted like he cared. And no one really cared about me anymore, so just a small dose of it, well, it went straight to my heart.
He groaned and got out of bed. “I don’t want to lie to you.”
My lips formed a tight line. To be honest, it sounded like he meant that, like he really didn’t want to lie to me, but it was like he was in a position where he had to.
Whatever. He didn’t answer to me. Didn’t have to tell me one honest word.
I looked up from staring into the carpet, facts went through my head on why he didn’t have to tell me to truth. I was surprised to see his eyes on me. I wondered why was he looking at me so intently. God, it was intense. I swallowed sharply. Please, I begged silently to whoever was above me to make his eyes snap off me. Please, oh please stop it.
I couldn’t move and at the same time couldn’t look away from him.
His expression earlier, which was telling me he didn’t love me, never would, and didn’t want anything to do with me, was gone. Now his face was serious; his emotions were hidden, so he might still be thinking all those things, but not putting them on display for me to read.
Then finally his eyes snapped off me. And I took a deep breath in.
“What are you doing today?” he asked, totally changing the subject. But I heard the edge in his voice; he was angry. There was a tint of anger to his tone, and it was loud enough for me to pick up on it.
“I might answer one of Bax’s miss calls.” I crossed my arms. I don’t know why but I suddenly felt like I needed to be on defense and Josh’s head snapped up after he pulled on his pants.
“You going back to him?” Geez he didn’t hold back the judgement in those five words.
“I guess.” I frowned. I told him I wasn’t judging him and he didn’t have to answer to me, yet he wasn’t returning that to me. He was judging me and he spoke like I had to answer to him. “Why are you so angry?”
“He’s a biker,” Josh spat those words out and crossed his arms. “He stands against the law. The law your parents love, that you love. Every value you hold dear well he gives it the finger. He goes through a different woman each week. He will never love you, respect you, or really care about you. So why the fuck are you going back to him?”
I was taken back by that. He had just listed a stack of facts that should stop me from going to Bax. Josh hadn’t listed one fact that wasn’t true. But he was demanding that I explain why I would go back to Bax.
I looked harder at him. Yeah, he wanted to know. He wasn’t dropping subject. So I stood a bit taller. He wanted an answer, a real answer, then I’d tell him exactly what I thought.
“I don’t care what he stands for, or what he doesn’t. Yeah, he is a biker, but that doesn’t mean he is rotten to the core. Just because he is one thing, doesn’t mean you give up on him completely! God! What type of person do you take me for, Josh?” I shook my head frustrated. “The values you are talking about, that I hold dear, well, he does stand for them—loyalty, fairness, he has a love for a club, one that he is willing to protect with his life. Those three things say more about his character than the fact that he is an outlaw biker.”
I wasn’t finished there. Josh had mentioned a few other things I wanted to cover, I couldn’t stop myself from pointing a finger at him.
“I encourage him to go to other women. I don’t want love. And I don’t need his respect. I also don’t need him to care for me. I don’t expect anything from him.”
Yeah, he wanted an answer, well I just gave my answer to him! But his judgmental eyes stayed on me, narrowing as they locked on to mine.
I thought Josh was angry before, but the look on his face now went from pissed to offended to furious.
“You deserve so much fucking better than that! You deserve better than some low life criminal, who isn’t going to contribute to the world! You deserve everything, Sophia! Why are you settling for a man that will never love you! Never put you first! Never…” His lips tightened. “He won’t care about your health. He won’t care about your future. All he cares about is fucking you—literally!”
I couldn’t argue with one fact that Josh had just said. But I did have a minor adjustment to make to his statement. “Just because you view him as not contributing to the world, doesn’t mean that’s true.” I wanted to stand firm on that. “He affects other people lives, that’s contributing to the world. Even if those people are other bikers and women, they are still people and his life still matters. He is contributing to the world.”
I couldn’t explain the expression that captured Josh’s face; it was like I had just rewritten a rule he had put in stone. “You think he contributes to the world?” Josh repeated what I said like he had misheard it. He repeated it like it couldn’t be true.
“Sure he does.” I shrugged, but felt frustrated at the same time. God, why were people so quick to judge someone’s image? “Everyone does in their own way.”
“You really don’t care that he is a biker, do you?” He looked shocked, surprised, and something else as well. I would have to pick as amazement, he was looking at me like I was the perfect female and he was seeing it for the first time. I didn’t understand why he was looking at me like that, I was far from perfect. “You really think even a biker’s life contributes to the world?” he added.
I softly smiled at him. I felt like he was turning what I was saying about Bax and putting it on himself. He wasn’t a biker though. But the criminal part, he did wear that. He had been to prison and I think deep down he didn’t think much of himself. So he couldn’t believe that someone else would accept his flaws and also see the light he gives the world.
Josh thought his life meant nothing. That’s why he lived day by day. I think he thought just because he went to prison his life was worthless and he wouldn’t leave an imprint on this world.
He wore his prison scars well. The scar of being cut off from society, the scar of going to prison to begin with. I knew he hadn’t learned his lesson while in there. I didn’t have proof of that. And he had never confirmed if he was or wasn’t in the criminal underworld.
Still it didn’t matter. His life matters. And he was leaving a mark on the world. Hell, he was leaving a mark on my life.
“Of course I do,” I finally said and his expression turned back into amazement. “Just because Bax has a criminal record, doesn’t exclude him from being a good person.” I thought about Bax for a few more moments and a smile crept across my face as I remembered something. “You know he likes to gamble. It’s his thing. He loves it.” I shook my head, I never got it. “Anyway, whatever he wins he gives it to a homeless dog charity, and if he loses he matches whatever he lost and still donates. Little things like that say more about him than just some record the police have on him.”
Like I said a while back, I wasn’t seeing the world as black and white anymore. I saw grey. I saw the good in someone, even when everything about them told you they should be a bad person.
“You know, Josh, you shouldn’t be so hard on other people. Everyone has their own issues and problems weighing them down.” I uncrossed my arms and I think I had made my point to him, but I had something I wanted to add—something I felt like he needed to hear. “You also shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Stop thinking your life means nothing and you won’t leave a mark on the world. Cause you have left a mark on me. And I’m sure I’m one of many.” I gave him a real smile. “Sorry for holding you up. You better get going.”
He was just staring at me. I didn’t know what about. It was almost like I had shared the most detailed and private fact about myself to him and he couldn’t wrap his head around it.
I didn’t know what to do, and the more I stared at him I realized I didn’t think there was anything I could say to make him snap out of it. So I turned and went to my wardrobe, pushing opening the door and leaving it ajar.
I took off his hoodie and couldn’t stop the smile on my face as I looked down at it. I don’t think he realized how much that meant to me. It was perfect too. It kept me warm, smelt like him, and, like how when I’m with Josh I felt safe, his hoodie gave me a small dose of that safety. I couldn’t compare it to a hug by him because his hugs just blew my mind. But his hoodie surrounded me with his scent and that was comforting.
In that moment, I wasn’t sure if it was wrong to be feeling that.
I just put on my bra when the door burst open. I turned, but as soon as I did I was off the ground.
“Josh, what the hell are you doing?” I said alarmed. He kicked closed my wardrobe door, still holding me in the air. He lifted me like I weighed nothing at all. I was thin, but I still weighed something! He shouldn’t have been able to be balance my full body weight with one arm. I wrapped my legs around him, because I was guessing that was what he wanted by the way he was holding me. He wanted me close; he didn’t want space between us. I could tell that by his actions.
He leaned me back against the closed door, an intense look on his face like his will power had snapped.
His other hand moved up my side, exploring my revealed skin. I knew I wasn’t wearing much, but I wasn’t uncomfortable or nervous like I should be.
I saw his eyes flash to my lips and he slowly moved in closer, like my lips were pulling his lips to mine. I knew what he wanted. But I also knew he wasn’t ready for it.
I moved just before his lips made it to mine and kissed his cheek. I felt like my lips were leaving a mark on his skin, as if I had branded him.
I looked back into his eyes. So blue, so enchanting, so magical I could get lost in them. Actually, I was getting lost in them now. Did he know how incredibly good looking he was? Before he went to prison he couldn’t walk into a café without every girl’s eyes going to him. He was “that” guy. If you were a girl or a woman you couldn’t not look at him and admire and day dream.
Now I think the pull he has on women is stronger. He was so well built, but it wasn’t just his body that women would drool over and gawk at. It was the whole package. The sharp blue eyes, the way he carried himself, he didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of him and that was very appealing.
He wasn’t just your normal bad boy. He was a man. A man that didn’t give a fuck about society or what was expected of him. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He wasn’t a bad boy: he was a dangerous, deadly man—that would give you an overdose of lust and then depart your life as quickly as he entered it, not caring what he left behind.
“Josh, you should go start your day,” I said gently and linked my arms around his neck. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, remember that.”
His masked expression dropped, and he looked so torn. “I want to be honest with you, Soph. I really do.”
“But you don’t have to,” I added. I titled my head, staring into his amazing eyes. “You don’t have to explain your life to me. I don’t expect that. You are a very private person. I’ve always known that.”
I didn’t go into this friendship with Josh thinking he would be telling me his every secret. I knew him. I knew he was private and the walls he had up never came down. He was carefree, but at the same it was a show; he wasn’t showing his real self. He never had. He shows the world he doesn’t care, he doesn’t need anyone, and he had this confidence that couldn’t be shaken.
But on a rare occasion—very rare—you get a glimpse of what he is hiding from the world. Like how he was so concerned last night hearing I hadn’t eaten. He hadn’t hidden his reaction. He cared about me. It showed last night. Not just care about me like he has to put up with me because I’m staying at his house, but cared for my physical health.
Josh didn’t think he was capable of showing emotion or expressing it, but he had shown concern last night, real concern.
“Can I ask you something?” His words were low and so soft, as if he was hoping I wouldn’t hear it.
“Always.”
He looked at me hesitantly. “What do I have to do to make sure I don’t lose you?” His tone dipped into nerves and anxiety. He had just asked a question, and I could tell he was really worried about the answer.
I couldn’t stop the smile. “Josh, there is nothing you can do that will result in you losing me.” Out of all the things for him to be worried about he didn’t have to worry about that. “Seriously. There is nothing you can do.”
“Not even things about me?” His hand paused just under my bra. “Not even what people say about me?” I thought about what had been written in the papers about him. I had read one article about him, and it didn’t say why he went to prison, but listed all the reasons why a man like him or any criminal shouldn’t be given early release.
Again I found myself smiling at him, and I unlinked my arms and my placed my hand over his cheek. “Josh, you could be a mass murder, guilty as fuck, and I’d still be standing beside you.” I kissed his other cheek that I wasn’t cupping. “I don’t give a darn about your money either, or how you spend it. All I want is a friend.” I knew money was a sore point with him, because he had a lot of it. His granddad, who he was really close to, left Josh his estate—everything.
As soon as word got out that Josh had money, that wasn’t his family money, it was fair to say girls were promising him everything just to get money out of him. I think that’s one of the reason he didn’t trust women.
“Can I ask something of you?” I wasn’t sure if this was about to cross a line.
“Yeah sweetheart. You can ask anything of me and I’ll try my best to be honest,” he said, like he wanted to tell me every detail about his life, like he hated not being about to share whatever it was that that he couldn’t share with me.
He was still holding all my weight. But it was like I was a feather and he could hold me up all day and all night.
I took a nervous breath in. Ok, I was going to be honest with him. “Start living like your life matters.” My hand stilled on his cheek and I tried my best to give him some advice. “I know you don’t express emotions well. I know you don’t do friendships. I know you don’t do relationships. But that doesn’t mean your life doesn’t matter.”
Did he not see how important he was to this world? He contributed it to it, even if he didn’t see it. Hell, he contributed a hell of a lot to my li
fe. I think anyone that met Josh was marked by him and that grin of his—the grin he tried his best to hide. It impacted your life thinking you might never see a grin as big, as loving, as his.
I leaned my forehead to his. “You matter. You leave a mark on me, every time you spend time with me. And I’m positive I’m not the only one. Every woman and man that comes in to contact with you, well, they are marked by you.”
I don’t think he believed what I saying. Perhaps he was too far gone for that to be the case. I sighed. Yeah, he really wasn’t believing it. I could tell by his tight expression, like he had a list of reasons behind him why that wasn’t the case.
Maybe over time I could make him see it.
He kissed the corner of my mouth and then pulled back. I think he knew as well as I did he wasn’t ready to kiss me.
“Are you busy tonight?” he asked as his hand moved to my back and his other held me up. “Do you have any plans?”
“Maybe a run. Oh, and there is an earlier showing of The Young Ones. Like, the episodes I missed during the week!” My face lit up remembering that and I didn’t hide my smile, and then my expression soured. “And then your family dinner, which I’m guessing you are bailing on.”
I didn’t see why I had to attend their family dinners. I was a guest. But Louise said, before leaving, she really wanted me to make plans around the dinner she had planned for tonight. It would be fine if it was just Louise and Jed, but the devil and the devil’s assistant would be back from the coast.
“There is a family dinner tonight?”
“What did you not get told to make plans around it?” I scoffed. I wasn’t Kyle’s girlfriend anymore. It wasn’t like Louise and Jed were going to have me as a daughter-in-law. So why they were still making sure I felt like family I didn’t know.
Josh frowned. “No. But by your reaction you were told to.”
“Yes.” I sighed. “I swear I’m turning into that annoying ex-girlfriend. I mean, Kyle has to put up with me at his house and family dinners! Like, how awful is it to have to have dinner with your new girlfriend and your ex? I’m like a pathetic clinging ex-girlfriend.”