by Simone Elise
I was like a broken mirror. I was trying to put myself together but you could see the cracks, and while I was trying to put that broken mirror back together, I was cutting myself on the broken pieces.
My tears were slowing just when the bell rang and I knew I had to get out of the car.
I was trying to ignore the heartache. But I couldn’t get that memory of Kyle and me singing and play fighting in his bed to that song. The way he touched me. The way he kissed me. The way my heart pulsed when he took my top off…
I clenched my eyes shut. I guess today was going to be one of my weaker days.
I cracked open my car door and got out. I just had to get through the day. I knew I wouldn’t get the pleasure of not seeing Kyle. Kayla and him were in all my classes. Thank god I didn’t have art with him today. Cause I honestly don’t think I’d be able to ignore him being nice to me.
It was like I needed him to be kind to me right now, like I was craving his attention.
Today was one of those days. I didn’t want to face that I had lost him and that what we had was over.
I walked like a ghost through the halls to get my books. I didn’t care that people were shouldering their way past me, heading for their classes, as the second bell had rung. I literally didn’t care, not even when I had my books and a boy ran past me, knocking them out of my hands.
I dropped to my knees, gathering them up. My weekend was intense and I felt like a shell today. A shell of the person I was.
Ryan was back in my life. I didn’t know for how long for, but he was back in my life. My brother. And there was only one person I wanted to tell. And that was also the one person who said they would never, and could never, love me again. Yet it was still Kyle who I wanted to tell.
A tear dropped from my eye and fell on my textbook.
God, not more tears. I quickly wiped under my eyes and then I glanced up, hoping no one saw it, that no one saw Sophia, the pitiful thing, crying in the hallway. And I realized the hallway was empty.
Just like my life.
I got up and I knew I couldn’t blow off class. But it was like I was invisible, not just to other students but also to the teachers.
So I wasn’t surprised when the teacher didn’t even acknowledge me as I walked ten or so minutes late.
I walked to my normal seat, like a zombie, and then when I came to a stop at my chair there was someone fucking in it. I quickly snapped out of my zombie mode and scanned the classroom.
This had to be some sick and twisted fucking joke.
There was only one seat empty.
Only one bloody seat!
I glanced at Kyle, and it would seem he was aware of the situation. I wanted to groan. In fact I wanted to turn and walk out of the class.
The teacher wouldn’t notice. The students didn’t care, and as I looked at Kyle I think he would be relieved if I didn’t take the seat next to him.
“Sophia, can you please take a seat?”
I clenched my eyes shut. Great. The teacher had noticed. I guess I was standing in the middle of the classroom.
God darn it! Why the hell did I have to be late!
I slowly walked towards the last man on the planet I wanted to be near right now. There were four seats. First Adam, then Kayla, then Kyle, and then the empty seat, which unfortunately had my fucking name on it.
I could feel Kyle’s eyes on me as I reached it.
He pushed his things to his side, but he didn’t move closer to Kayla. He had his chair more in the middle of the desk, and I didn’t have the guts to ask him to move down, closer to his woman.
I slumped in the chair, my eyes glued on the desk. His arm brushed mine and it sent a million sparks through my body. I think what was worse was that my body was craving his touch, bathing in the memory of his arms and the touch of his lips. It was fucking cruel!
I wanted to groan. What had I done to the universe to deserve this?
I opened my textbook. I had no idea what we were meant to be doing and to be honest I didn’t care. I just had to get through the hour or so being tortured by being near him.
I think what was making this worse was that I had spent the weekend with my brother. My brother was back in my life, and I couldn’t tell Kyle. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Ryan about Kyle either. I kept asking about his life, and when he asked about mine I just kept redirecting the conversation back to him.
I heard all about his crazy adventures. I laughed and laughed and even cried a bit out of laughter.
When I left his house this morning, I wanted to tell someone—anyone—that my brother was back. My brother who I never thought I would see again.
I then did a count. Josh didn’t even know I had a brother, so he wouldn’t understand how important it was Ryan was back. Bax wouldn’t give a fuck cause all he wanted me for was sex. He wouldn’t want to hear about how my brother was back. There was only one person who would understand how important it is to me and how much it meant to me, and that was Kyle. I snuck a glance at Kyle and was surprised to find his eyes on me.
I swallowed sharply and my eyes snapped back to my open textbook. My leg was nervously shaking up and down. It was a sign I was close to losing all control and bursting out crying.
I then started tapping my fingers on the desk, trying my best to try and get myself together. I couldn’t keep thinking about Kyle, but oh my god, being near him was killing me. It wasn’t like I didn’t crave him sexually. I just needed him emotionally.
Fuck, I needed anyone. Right now I needed someone to calm me down.
I was about to get up and leave because I was positive the lack of sleep and the emotions flooding my body was going to cause me to go into meltdown mode. Then I felt it and my whole body stilled.
I looked down at my knee, seeing Kyle’s hand.
I looked up to see him turn slightly towards me.
“You ok, Soph?” His words were soft.
I don’t know what Kayla was doing to not notice that Kyle was talking to me. I couldn’t pull my eyes from Kyle. He was looking at me like he was worried.
He started to move his thumb in a circle on my knee. “Breathe, Soph.” His directions were low and soft.
I didn’t even realize I was holding onto my breath and I exhaled quickly. His lips twitched up slightly as if he was pleased I was listening to him.
He leaned in closer to me. “Move your chair in.”
I frowned, not understanding why I had to, but I did as I was told. His hand went off my knee and I thought maybe he just wanted me to get under the table so he didn’t have to see my leg shaking up and down.
Then his hand was back on my leg, but this time moving up my inner thigh, pushing my dress up slightly. My breathing hitched just when his hand stopped and his thumb started working in a circle again.
I was instantly reminded how he used to always do this when we sat together. I couldn’t believe he was touching me right now after all the things I had yelled at him at the dinner table.
I needed him to be there for me emotionally and he was doing just that. He was calming me down. And I couldn’t help but look back at him. Why? Why was he doing this?
He smiled at me softly and leaned in. But then Kayla called for his attention.
He turned and started talking to her, but his hand stayed on my inner thigh and his thumb kept moving in the delicious circle.
I was flooded with all the memories of how he would touch me as if I was fragile. How gentle he was. I was getting lost in his touch, in the feel of his hand on me. As much as I knew it was wrong, I wasn’t stopping myself. I couldn’t stop myself from just enjoying it.
“Oh, Soph, I didn’t see you there.”
My stare snapped off the table and I looked up and to my side, looking at Kayla. She was speaking to me? Why?
“Hi, Kayla.” I forced out, trying my best to not sound nervous. “Sorry for crashing your table, there was no other seat.”
She was smiling at me, but it was bitter and sour and fo
rced. The fact Kyle had one hand under the table and on me seemed to have gone completely unnoticed by her.
“It’s ok. Feels a bit like old times, right?” She kept that forced smile on her face.
We both knew she had the upper hand here. She was the queen bee and I was a nobody.
I went back to staring at my textbook, while all my attention was on Kyle’s hand. And how it flooded my body with memories and how much I had loved him.
“You know there is actually this thing on tonight.” Kayla was speaking, but I assumed it wasn’t to me. “Kyle and I are going. Adam, Soph, do you want to come, you know, for old time’s sake?”
My eyes snapped up. Did she just invite me out with her and Kyle?
I looked at Adam, who was staring at me. It was no secret that Adam hadn’t gone back to being Kyle’s best friend. He did however still hang around them. But he had told me multiple times he wouldn’t hang out with them because Kayla, well, according to Adam, was off the rails and a trouble maker.
“I will go if Soph does,” Adam, said, putting all the attention on me.
Kyle hadn’t looked at me, even though his hand was still on me and his thumb was moving in smoothing circles.
I opened my mouth and I wasn’t sure what my answer was.
“It’s a beach thing.” Kayla turned her whole body towards me and Kyle. “I won’t be swimming, but I will be drinking.” She kept smiling at me.
Was she plotting to kill me at this party? Was that why she wanted me to go?
“The four of us—it will be like old times!” she added, and this time she gave me a smile that was actually real. “Come on, you three can make sure I don’t go drunk swimming or something.”
I didn’t know what to say. I doubted Kyle wanted me anywhere near him. Though he was touching me right now. And he was hiding it from Kayla.
I frowned. Could I hang out with them like old times? Today I was weaker. Today I was needing my old best friend and my boyfriend. I was craving my old life. And the temptation of just a night with them… I was considering it.
Kayla sighed and turned back in her seat. “Don’t worry about it. Clearly you would rather be with bikers.” Her words were bitter and, if I was honest, it sounded like I had hurt her feelings.
“I’ll come.”
Kyle’s head snapped in my direction, his eyes slightly wide.
I swallowed sharply and realized Kayla and Adam was also staring at me.
“For old time’s sake, right?” I added.
Kayla nodded her head, giving me a real smile again. Adam gave me a grin but it was Kyle’s expression that had me. The smile on his face said it all. He was happy, as if me coming meant something more than just us hanging out as friends for old time’s sake.
Our moment was quickly ended when Kayla started to ask him questions on what she should wear, and what she should get to drink.
I forced my attention back on the book in front of me. But while Kyle was answering Kayla’s questions, his hand was on me. I knew I should stop it. I knew it was unhealthy and as soon as I got out of this mood I would want to slap myself for letting him touch me.
Yet I didn’t push his hand away. And silently I trying to think of a solid reason why he would want to.
The beach was packed and the drinks and bon-fire were roaring. The mood was causal, and everyone was enjoying themselves. I was having fun with Adam. He was in one hell of a playful mood, which usually always revolved around annoying me. And that was exactly what he was doing, but I didn’t mind.
In fact, I had missed it.
So the fact Kayla hadn’t stopped touching and making out with Kyle between throwing back drinks didn’t really bother me. Adam had been entertaining me until a girl caught his eye. I had to give him a push to go after her. She hadn’t stopped looking at him, so he was in luck.
Kayla was peeling herself off Kyle. I didn’t mean to be spying on them, or keeping an eye on them, but I had. And I had noticed Kyle’s attention was on me, not his girlfriend who was busy making out with him frantically. She was kissing him like she was trying to prove something.
Kayla’s eyes were slightly glazed over, and I knew it wasn’t just alcohol that caused her to look like that. She was still using.
Just as I thought that, I caught sight of a guy I had been glad wasn’t in my life anymore. Greg, or as Kayla and everyone else calls him, Gaz. He was the local dealer. And Kayla noticed he was here.
She gave Kyle a peck on the lips and then was quick to sprint off in his direction. Gaz gave me a wave, which I didn’t return.
“God, I hate that guy.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. It was just me and Kyle now. We were slightly away from the full on party. I looked at Kyle in time to see him nod his head.
“Fucking dick of a guy,” he muttered and picked up his beer off the rock.
“I can’t believe she still sees him.” I shook my head and went to stand next to Kyle. I was looking back at Gaz as he dragged Kayla off into the dark. I’m guessing to do lines.
Kyle let out a long sigh, but one that sounded more like relief, and turned his attention to the ocean. Then he leaned back against the rock, his shoulders sagging, and drank the rest of his beer. I had to admit, this was the first time I was willingly alone with him. I leaned against the same rock. My mind flickered back to how he calmed this morning in class. I still hadn’t thanked him for that. I didn’t really get a chance cause Kayla was glued to him for the rest of the day.
“Um, about today...” I awkwardly brought up the subject and turned my full body to face him. I didn’t know if he had done it out of pity or something.
His eyes had been on the ocean, but now they were on me.
He didn’t say anything. I took a sharp breath in. I was incredibly nervous all of a sudden. I opened my mouth.
“You know what I think?” He spoke before I could say anything. His eyes still on me. “Every time I look at the ocean, you know what runs through my mind?”
I frowned, not sure what to say. I went to open my mouth again.
“You. The night I told you my plan.” He moved closer to me. His eyes glued to mine. I saw the honesty in them and I saw the memory playing across his mind.
I didn’t know what was worse, the way my heart was pulsing instantly or that I knew which night he was talking about.
I kept looking at Kyle as he approached me. Then he stopped, closer to me, but not too close.
I was biting my bottom lip and I finally nodded my head. “I remember the night.” And then I remembered the night even clearer because he told me that I was his forever. I loved him before that night, but that night I gave him everything I had. I wanted to be his forever.
All those emotions I felt all day. All the emotions I had kept under lid all day. Well, they flooded me.
But I knew it tears were falling and this time I wasn’t by myself.
“Soph.” His voice broke and he stepped towards me. “Please don’t cry.”
I scoffed as his wiped away my tears. “I..” My words dried up in my throat.
“I know, Soph. I know.” He cupped my cheeks, pain was painted across his face. “I fucked up. And one day I’ll be able to tell you how much.
I then felt his lips on my forehead and his arms wrapped around me, just as the tears overcame me. Kyle had no idea how much damage he had done to my heart.
And right now he was getting a glimpse of what I was really like.
“Every fucking day I’m reminded of what I lost. Every day I’m reminded how fucking lonely I am now.” He spoke so softly as his hand ran down my back, smothering me, while he held me so tightly to his chest.
All I could hear was honesty in his voice.
“You gave me a taste of heaven, Soph. I miss you falling asleep on my chest. I miss the way your back would arch just as I too you.” He pulled back to look me in the eye.
And then before I could say a word, before I could point out he was the one to end us, his mouth was on mine.
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Immediately I was given a dose of a flavor I was once addicted to. It was like tasting your favorite candy that you hadn’t tasted since childhood.
Crazy. Complete madness. That was what was happening.
I didn’t push him away. I couldn’t even say that my lips were still against his. As soon as his lips touched mine, before I knew it, my tongue was exploring his mouth. The mouth that used to worship my body.
My hands were in his hair while he picked me up, sitting me on the rock and he was reminding me just how good we were.
His hands ran up my thighs, pushing my dress up around my waist.
The word crazy ran through my mind again. But it didn’t stop me from stopping him from exploring my body like I was still his.
His lips broke from mine. “Come home with me.” His forehead was leaning against mine, my breathing rapid. “Come home with me. Let me remind you how fucking great we are together.”
My eyes widened. Kissing was one thing, but sex… he couldn’t be serious.
“What about Kayla?” I don’t know why that one concern came out and not the others, like how come morning he would be kicking me out of his bed and going back to her.
“I don’t care. I want to fuck you. No“—he took a sharp breath in—“I need to make love to you. I’m dying here without you and I can’t last much longer.” His words waved in desire. “Let me have you again.”
And just like that I snapped the fuck out of it. Those five words: let me have you again.
I pushed his hands off me and climbed down from the rock. I had made a promise to myself, and I was remembering it right now. “You nearly had me fooled,” I muttered and shook my head. “You put me through hell. You know that? No. Let me rephrase that. You are putting me through hell.” Everything single fucking day I was suffering because of him. I looked him in the eye. “You told me I was nothing without you.”
He may be saying now that he misses me, he may be basically looking at me like I was his world, but I knew better, because he had fooled me before.