Conflicted
Book Two of The State Series
M.J. Kaestli
https://mjkaestli.com/
No portion of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or any other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except for brief quotations for reviews, or noncommercial uses and with proper and correct citation.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2018 MJ Kaestli
All rights reserved.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Books in The State Series
Acknowledgements
Author’s Note
Chapter 1
Someone repeated Freya’s name while gently shaking her—she could hear her name and feel her body move, yet it somehow felt as though it were a dream. This person couldn’t be trying to wake me up; that was what the alarms were for, she surmised. The hands moved away momentarily, and a sharp foreign odor jolted her awake. Chastity’s face came into focus as she opened her eyes.
“Freya. Freya. Look at me. Wake up.” Chastity jiggled her shoulders again.
“What are you doing here?” Freya asked through the fog.
“Are you all right?” Chastity asked franticly. “Did you hit your head? Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine. Why did you wake me up?” As her mind started to clear, she looked at her surroundings. The realization came to her that she had been sleeping on the floor. What an odd place to have fallen asleep. “Why am I on the floor?”
“Oh, Freya, I am so sorry.” Chastity pulled her into her arms. “You scared me. I thought you were hurt.”
Freya was still trying to understand what had caused this odd encounter, and she looked over Chastity’s shoulder to see Victor in the room also. He looked at Freya with a soft yet distinctively concerned manner, his body held tense and rigid, while trying to convey kind concerned eyes.
“What’s going on, you guys?” Freya still could not grasp the situation, but knew something must be terribly wrong.
“You must have fainted. Do you remember why?” Chastity still held onto Freya, but was struggling to put some space between them, as though it was Chastity’s embrace which was clouding her mind.
It was a surprise to learn of her fainting, and she started to think back and wonder whether she had a history of fainting. I don’t remember doing this before, but why else would this happen? Why now? She looked at Chastity and shook her head.
“Oh, Freya, I am so sorry.” Chastity pulled her back into a tight embrace.
Freya realized Chastity was crying. Something was very wrong, and she needed answers.
“Chastity, what happened?” Freya tried to escape her grip once again.
Chastity held on too securely for her to simply wiggle out. Victor came over to them and squatted down so that he was close to eye level with her. He then gently put a hand on Chastity’s shoulder and urged her to let Freya go.
“Do you remember what you were doing, Freya? Do you remember watching the broadcast?” Victor knelt down to be closer to her, and reached out and placed his hand gently on her face, cupping her cheek. Something about his touch made her panic. The head of State has knelt on the floor beside me and is trying to comfort me? Whatever this was, this reason or event which caused her to be laying here on the floor, it had to be monumental.
“Broadcast? Yes, I was watching a broadcast. There were men in suits outside.” Freya tried to piece the puzzle together.
“Yes, there was. People were boarding a spacecraft for the new planet,” Victor answered, trying to help her fill in the blanks. “I am so sorry, Freya. I swear to you I didn’t know.” He gently stroked her cheek. “I don’t have any answers for you yet, but I will speak to James the very moment he returns.”
“James? Yes, he was on the monitor in a suit.” She thought of Colin, maybe he could tell me when he would be coming back. Then it all came together. The memory, the horrifying truth: Colin was on the spacecraft. Like a dam bursting, the flood of understanding overwhelmed her. This is why they are here. This is why they are comforting me, why I fainted. Colin is on the spacecraft headed for the colony planet, and I might never see him again.
Freya’s hands flailed, pushing both Chastity and Victor away from her. She jumped to her feet and ran to the bathroom, but did not make it in time; she vomited just as she crossed the threshold. Chastity was instantly at her side, rubbing her back while keeping a supportive grip on her arm. Once her body stopped convulsing, Chastity gently guided Freya over to the sofa. Victor grabbed a damp cloth from the kitchen and brought it to Chastity, who started to blot Freya’s face. She then wrapped a blanket around Freya’s shoulders and sat next to her, pulling her into an uninvited embrace.
Victor turned swiftly and walked out of the room. Freya was completely numb, her brain simply incapable of processing any further thought. Chastity rubbed her back, yet Freya took no comfort in it. Victor returned shortly with a glass of water and sat beside Freya.
“Here, drink this. I have called a nurse. She will be here momentarily,” Victor said softly.
Freya didn’t understand why she needed a nurse. She was not sick or hurt, yet she just couldn’t seem to form any words of protest. A numbness was spreading throughout her entire body, even into her mind. All she could do was blankly stare in front of her. A sound, almost like a high-pitched frequency, rang in her ears. After not much time had passed, two women walked into the room. One of them pushed a cart of cleaning supplies, and the other held a tray in hand. The woman with the cleaning supplies walked right over to the bathroom and got to work without saying a word.
The nurse knelt in front of Freya and placed the tray on the floor. She shone a light in Freya’s eyes, checked her pulse, and felt around her head and neck.
“You said she fainted?”
“Yes. Due to the place we found her, I don’t think she hit her head,” Victor answered. “I think she’s in shock, and I would like you to give her something to help her sleep.”
“I think you are correct. I don’t see any sign of trauma. I would like to stay and keep an eye on her, though, just to be on the safe side.” The nurse handed Freya a juice box and urged her to drink. It was the same medication she had been given after being sterilized. Freya took the box without hesitation, but as her eyes just couldn’t seem to come into focus, she struggled momentarily to get the protruding straw to her lips.
“If it is alright with you, I would prefer to stay with her,” Chastity said to the nurse. “That is, if you can manage without me, Victor.”
“Yes, I would prefer that as well,” he answered. “Freya has had a rather nasty shock today; someone very dear to her was taken from her. I would like Freya to have a familiar face here to care for her.”
The nurse gave a curt nod to Victor, and turned to address Chastity. “I will leave a list of instructions for medications, also signs and symptoms to watch out for.” She got up from the floor with her tra
y and exited the room.
“Thank you for staying with her, Chastity.” Victor crouched down to be eye level with Freya and put his hands on her knees. “I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now, Freya. I want you to remember that you are a part of my family, and I care for you deeply. I will be calling for temporary workers to fill in for you—take as much time as you need.”
Despite his close proximity, as he had positioned himself directly in her line of vision, her eyes only perceived him as a vague blur. There was a distant part of her mind that knew she needed to acknowledge what he said, but she couldn’t comprehend what the meaning of his words had been.
Victor gazed at her for a moment longer, wishing he would see some spark or flicker in her eyes, something to signify she understood. Whatever it was he was looking for, waiting for, did not come. He took his leave, hoping that perhaps the next time he saw her—after some time and space—she might have some resemblance to the girl he once knew and adored.
The cherry-flavored juice box had now successfully replaced the taste of acid and bile. Freya took hard pulls at the juice box and gulped it down greedily. Chastity deftly changed the sofa into a bed and then assisted Freya to lie down again. The medication was already starting to take effect. The nausea was gone, the tension in her body started to release, and her eyelids became heavy.
Chastity wrapped the blankets securely around Freya and pulled a chair over beside her. She gently stroked Freya’s hair and face. It felt so soothing; it was almost like what my mother used to do when I had a bad dream as a child. With the combination of medication and Chastity’s soothing touch, it was not long before Freya drifted off to sleep.
***
As Freya began to return to consciousness, she became aware that her hand was being held. She thought it odd Colin would simply be holding her hand; he normally slept with his arm draped across her. Freya opened her eyes briefly to see that it was, in fact, Chastity holding her hand while in a chair beside her bed. She pressed her eyelids together tightly, realizing once again that Colin was gone. The numbness she had felt before had cleared, and an enormous weight filled her chest making it difficult to breathe. She started to gasp for air; her entire body shook as she broke into violent sobs.
Chastity moved from the chair to the bed and tried to cradle Freya’s head in her lap, in a vain attempt to comfort her. Freya sobbed until her lungs felt hot and dry, until her body felt as if it had nothing left to give. The entire time, Chastity simply rubbed her back, and occasionally told her to “just let it out,” and “you’re doing so good.”
It wasn’t until Freya finally stopped crying that Chastity left her side to go to the kitchen area. She returned with a breakfast bar, a glass of water, and another juice box.
“Freya, I know this is hard, but I need you to eat something,” Chastity said softly. Freya simply laid there, completely non-responsive. “Please, Freya. I need you to drink this glass of water and eat this bar, so I can give you more medication.” She sat on the bed, broke the bar into small pieces, and lifted one tiny bite close to Freya’s mouth.
“No,” Freya responded in a raspy voice.
“Freya, if I can’t get you to eat and drink, then they are going to take you to a medical center. I can’t come and see you there, and I would like to be the one who takes care of you. Please, let me keep you here, but in order to do that, you have to eat.”
Freya wanted to protest further, but there was simply no fight, no spark, left in her soul. Chastity held the piece of the bar closer to her mouth, and Freya ate it this time. She continued to lift pieces of the bar to her mouth, and Freya ate it one small bite at a time, chasing it with a sip of water. Once the water and bar were finished, Freya grasped the juice box and gulped it down greedily, longing for the familiar relief.
***
When Freya woke up, she knew this time it was Chastity in the room with her, and Colin was gone. She looked over at Chastity who was staying preoccupied while working on her tablet.
Without saying a word, she reached beside her and retrieved a breakfast bar. Freya remained lying down but grabbed it from her and fed herself. Once again, she placed a straw in the water glass and Freya drank it as quickly as she could manage with her continually shrinking appetite. She had no desire to eat or drink, but was aware of the alternative, and there was no part of her that wanted to be moved into a clinic. Once Freya held up her end of their bargain, Chastity handed over the glorious juice box, and she drained it in just a few hard pulls.
This procedure happened a few more times until Chastity brought over a plate of food instead of a bar. It had a much smaller portion than normal, which Freya was grateful for. It was still more food than her shrunken stomach was ready to contain.
“Freya, the nurse stopped by while you were sleeping. You have to get up and take a shower.” She grabbed Freya’s hands securely and pulled her up.
She couldn’t comprehend how she would find the energy or strength for such a task, yet knew it wasn’t optional. As she undressed, she was momentarily grateful for the special privileges that were a part of working in the State house. If her civil duty were anywhere else, she would have been moved into a clinic immediately. Another thought then came to her: I don’t really have special privileges. If I did, either Colin would still be here with me, or I would be sleeping next to him on the spacecraft.
Freya looked momentarily in the mirror and was startled by her own reflection. She had dark circles under her eyes, a gaunt and sunken face, her hair greasy, matted, and wild. Looking down at her body, she realized she had shed some weight; her ribs protruded slightly. How long did I sleep? She had no concept of what day it was. A chill came over her, so she turned on the hot water and stepped inside. Her entire body was stiff, and she felt lethargic. Washing her hair seemed so difficult a task, as it was strenuous simply to keep her arms elevated. She knew it had not been done properly. Her hair wasn’t truly clean, yet she didn’t feel capable of anything more.
Once finished in the bathroom, she wrapped herself in a towel, and opened the door to find a pile of clothing waiting for her. Freya retrieved them and closed the door to get dressed and returned to the bed. She had felt no need to bother with brushing her hair; simply leaving it wrapped in a towel. Chastity was still in the chair by the bed, looking at her tablet. She handed over another juice box without any further request of her.
“How long will they keep doing this?” Freya gestured to the box. “They can’t have enough for everyone, and I can’t stay medicated forever.”
“Not long.” Chastity sighed. “Victor has demanded that the doctors give you this until, well, until he has some answers.” She reached out for Freya’s hand. “Victor is just sick over this, Freya. I have never seen him like this before.”
Maybe it was the medication, or maybe it was because this entire situation was completely incomprehensible, but Freya could not think about Victor—what answers he was seeking, or what he could possibly do or say to give any semblance of peace. Colin was gone. Being medicated and sleeping was the only remedy; reality was not something she could deal with.
Freya welcomed the intoxication washing over her. She cared nothing of what Victor would say. What could possibly be said? What difference would an account of how this transpired make? If he couldn’t have stopped this from happening in the first place, what could he do about it now? The only thing in her life that truly mattered had been taken from her.
Chapter 2
Freya could hear voices; a conversation being conducted by the door of the apartment. She rolled over, gazed at the door, and saw Victor and Chastity. Freya rolled back onto her side, disappointed the medication was wearing off. Her movement had alerted them, and Victor entered the room and walked over to the chair by the bed, while Chastity stood behind him.
“Freya, are you awake enough to talk for a little bit?”
Part of her wanted to pretend she was still sleeping—the part of her that knew that whatever Vic
tor said was only going to make her feel worse. This situation couldn’t be spun or changed into anything she could take comfort in. She unfortunately also knew this conversation couldn’t be avoided. It would be best to get it over with while there were still traces of the medication in her system. She decided she needed to sit up to hear the news; she would not lay there like a child as he spoke of the devastation which was now her reality.
“I have some information. I wish I had more to tell you, but I know it wouldn’t help if I did.” His eyes were moist, and his gaze cast toward the floor. “Colin was sent notification to report in; he had been selected for the colonization project.” He gave a heavy sigh. “He was given a choice, and he chose to take the assignment. Part of me wants to call him a brave hero, and part of me wants to wring his neck and those people who assigned him. I personally am disgusted they would break up a coupling like that. They said he was not the only person coupled who went without their partner.”
“How could you possibly not have known?” she asked softly, without looking at him.
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