Conflicted

by M. J. Kaestli

  Freya was speechless. There was so much to think about. They were right about one thing: it would be easy for her to convince everyone that she hated Victor. The man who sat at her bedside, who saw firsthand how close Colin’s leaving had come to destroying her—he was the one asking her to do this. He knew what it would cost her. How could she even face Colin’s family, let alone gain their trust? Trust takes time; it comes from a long-standing intimate relationship. She didn’t just have to meet them. She had to get completely entangled in their lives. From the pictures alone she could see the resemblance. Every day would be a constant reminder of what he did to her.

  “I have to go now.” He paused. “Think about it, please. Take as much time as you need, but please think this through. We need you, Freya.” He then got up and went back to the trapdoor.

  She didn’t have to think about it. She knew she was going. If she said no, Victor would just keep asking until she agreed. He might even send her to work somewhere else as punishment, knowing how much she loved the State house. He would send her somewhere undesirable so that the opportunity to be a spy would be more appealing. He didn’t care for her; she wasn’t family. It was all an act to manipulate her to get what he wanted. Perhaps that was why he was so certain of what Colin’s motivations were—he was just like him. Pretending to care for her to get something he wanted. All men were the same.

  There was no point delaying. It would only drive her crazy. While still in her sleeping wear, she walked to Victor’s office, and peered inside from a distance. She found herself unable to take her eyes off the State emblem hanging on the wall behind Victor—a blue circle containing a white five-pointed star, with the head of a bald eagle. The symbolism behind the emblem had been taught in history class. The bald eagle was considered the chief over all winged creatures, as the State held stewardship over the people. The blue circle represented unity, and also the dome. Just as the circle contained the eagle and star, the dome contained both the leader and the people. The star was taken from the time before the State took power—each representing a State, but there was only one star now as the people were unified as one State.

  Her entire life, she had viewed the world this way—one unified State, one people. The truth was beginning to sink in—they were not unified, or one people. The rebellion, this corruption, it threatened their way of life. It was a sickness, a cancer, and it needed to be cured before it took any more lives. If she had any chance or ability to make a difference, it was her duty to do so. She needed to put her personal issues aside, as difficult as that may be.

  Freya took a deep breath, and looked at Victor. As per usual, was at his desk, even though the sun was just beginning to rise. “Don’t you sleep?” Victor smiled when she walked into his office.

  “I could ask you the same question.” She closed the door.

  “It’s hard to sleep when there is so much work to be done,” he replied. “Let’s not beat around the bush. You have questions for me, I am sure.”

  “What will you tell everyone? We are what you call a family here,” she said, with a hint of sarcasm on the word family. “How will you explain my absence?”

  “That is simple. We will tell them you are not happy here. You don’t like living in the house, and working here reminds you too much of your life with Colin. You are lonely without him, and you are so young. Of course it will make sense that you would be re-coupled,” he answered.

  “Will I ever come back here again?”

  “That depends. This mission is not expected to be a quick one. Once it is complete, you will have several options. You could go with Lewis on another, if you enjoy working together. We could say Lewis was killed in a tragic accident, and you could return here to the family. We can’t predict how you will feel when the mission is over. You could fall madly in love with Lewis and want to be where he is, or you could despise him. I know you can’t comprehend this right now, but you might love being undercover. Many do. If you don’t work well with Lewis, we could pair you with another military personnel and you could live undercover with him. You could also choose to live undercover in independent living. You have a choice to take this mission or not, and if you do, you will have other choices to make later on.”

  “Do I?” she asked. “Do I really have a choice? It doesn’t feel that way.”

  “Freya, there are so many ways you can be of use to the Council. This is merely one of those ways. We have asked this of you because it is the most effective use we could possibly have of you. If you turn it down, you will still be a Councilmember, and we will have other requests of you. I thought you might be interested in this one. You seem to enjoy Lewis’s company, it could give you some closure about Colin, and, if nothing else, I thought you would jump at the chance to get out of finishing those boring courses.”

  “You admit they are boring?” she asked with an eyebrow raised.

  “Oh, they are dreadful! I remember having to take them. I almost felt I didn’t want to be on the Council if that is what it took.”

  In spite of her anger toward Victor, she could not help but smile at his remark.

  “Freya, I know this is very sudden for you. I know you are still healing from what happened with Colin. I know that you don’t feel capable of doing this. All I can tell you is I believe you can do it. I wouldn’t have asked you to do this if I thought you would fail.”

  “What if I do fail? What if I can’t gain their trust? What if they take one look at me and just know I would never be a part of something like that?”

  “You won’t, but just for argument sake, we would have you extracted. If Lewis reported that the mission wasn’t working, we would remove both of you. We want information, and yes, there are risks. But we don’t want to show our hand to the enemy either. There are a lot of tragic accidents that happen. We have our ways of getting our people out with no civilian being the wiser for it.”

  She considered this for a moment. No matter how much time they gave her to think about it, to plan, to say good-bye, it wouldn’t change the fact that her life had been sold to the State. If she kept refusing missions, it would only be a matter of time before they found her noncompliant, and there would be consequences to face. At least with this mission, she knew Lewis; she knew he was kind.

  “So when do we get started?” she asked.

  Victor smiled. “It has already begun,” he replied. “Chastity told Amaia last night that you are thinking of leaving us, and you know that if Amaia knows, everyone else will also.”

  Despite Victors claims, he was insisting she had a choice, but his actions spoke otherwise. The fact he had instructed Chastity to begin spreading rumours about her coupling, and before she had given her consent, only proved her suspicions were correct. She would do everything the State asked of her, the price she would pay for any refusal would come at a high cost.

  “So that’s that then? I just pick up and leave?”

  “You will leave when you are ready to. We had an apartment near Colin’s parents vacated. You can either stay here for a while and say your good-byes, or you can leave immediately. Lewis is ready to go the moment you consent.”

  “I want to go now then,” she said.

  “I thought you would. You were never one to dillydally. Just try to sound the least bit happy about being coupled if you choose to say good-bye to everyone personally.”

  Freya laughed, not because it was funny, but because it was ludicrous.

  “I’m not good at lying, which is part of the reason I know this is all a mistake,” she said bitterly.

  “You will learn. Perhaps it’s best then that we tell everyone it was too difficult to say your good-byes in person. You can slip out of the house any time before the afternoon meal without being detected. Can I make this official? Do I have your consent?”

  She gulped. “Yes.”

  “Good.” He picked up his tablet. “It is done. You are now coupled, and Security will be told to direct you to your new home. Lewis is now alerted and
is already on his way.”

  “Won’t he go with me?” she asked with surprise. “I mean, we are both here—why send us separately?”

  “It would look suspicious to have you travel together from the same place. Even Security must think you are a normal couple.”

  “But James knows.”

  “Yes. He is a Councilmember. I told you before, we have many Councilmembers among us, and you will not learn their identity unless necessary. Lewis will handle transporting the information, and so I will not reveal anyone else. I thought you should at least know, if anything were to happen to Lewis, James will be your contact.”

  “So that’s it, just go?” she asked.

  “Yes. Now would be a great time to leave. Of course you are welcome to stay longer—you could even take a few days. I think, however, knowing you, you should just go right now.” He paused. “Or perhaps, you should shower and put on some free time clothing. You would want to be cleaned up when you meet your new partner for the first time.”

  Chapter 10

  Freya looked around the apartment with a sense of déjà vu. The difference between leaving this living space and the one from her school days was she did have an attachment to this apartment. She had had a sense of wonder and excitement of being moved into adult living. Of course, that was before she found out she was being moved to be coupled. This time, she only felt dread. It was something she had to do, regardless of how much her mind thought this entire plan was preposterous. She walked straight to the front door without being seen and left the house. A moment of regret ran through her; she should have said good-bye to Chastity. She walked back to the door and palmed the scanner, but it did not recognize her. The security system had already been reset.

  Her eyes filled with tears. It was too late; there was no turning back now. The lights on the wall from Security lit up to show her the path to take. She took it at nearly a run. She had to put some distance between her and this house before she curled up in a ball on the ground. She kept walking quickly until she came into the clearing. She looked around and realized that this was the spot where Colin would leave her on their morning walk. She had not been here since before he left; she hadn’t stepped foot outside the State house since then. Freya stood for a moment in that spot. This was the thing she had been wanting. Something tangible to remember Colin by, and here it was—their place.

  A feeling of warmth did not come to her. She simply looked around, and then walked on. Instead of feeling a piece of her life with Colin, she simply realized that the girl who used to stand here with him was not who she was anymore, and so she said good-bye. More to the girl she once was than to Colin. She had changed. He had never been who he said he was; there was nothing to hold onto. It was right at that moment she made the decision, one that she would probably not have to make for a long time to come—she would not return to the State house when this mission was over.

  She walked to the train platform and scanned in.

  “Freya 117, verified,” the automated voice said. “Estimated wait time, twenty minutes.”

  “Freya, stay on this train until the last stop.” A Security officer’s voice came over the speaker. “We will light up the path for you. You will board a second train.” The speaker clicked off.

  Freya had no idea that there were two trains before now. It was strange; she thought the wait time would drag on forever. She had been so nervous when she had left her parents’ house, and when she came to work at the State house, yet this time was different. It felt like no time had passed at all before she boarded the train. After she took her seat, she closed her eyes and almost instantly fell asleep. There was nothing for her to see; she had taken this train before, and not all that long ago. The complete lack of sleep from the night before had left her exhausted, she didn’t hear the announcement to de-board the train. Security had to come over the speaker and call her by name to wake her up.

  Freya got up and without knowing where to look, she apologized and left the train. The lights were instantly in front of her. Everyone else had left the train before her, so she was certain the lights were for her. They led her over to the other train. She was the last person to board—it looked as though it had been held up just for her. She decided it would be a good idea to stay alert. It was difficult—this trip was a long ride. There were times when she began to wonder whether she had missed her stop until a red-light started flashing above her seat, it simply contained the words Next Stop. She hadn’t noticed the lights when she traveled by train before, but then again, it had never flashed for her.

  After she found a scanner, the lights took her to the underground walkway. The elevator took her up to the ninth floor, where she found her new apartment. When she walked in, Lewis was on the sofa, already looking at a tablet.

  “You must be Freya. How nice to meet you.” He stood and walked over to shake her hand.

  She had never considered for a moment that they would have to keep up pretenses in their apartment. She was so used to living in the State house. Was I ever even monitored there? Come to think of it, she wasn’t—at least, not in the apartment with the stairwell to the secret underground.

  “I’m Lewis. Come, take a seat. Can I get you a glass of water or tea? There were two meals delivered here. I am afraid it will be rather cold, but you should still eat something.” He handed her a plate of food.

  Somehow, keeping up the pretense that they had never met before and had to put on a performance for Security, she felt even more awkward than when she had met Colin.

  She said nothing but sat down at the table and began to eat. It was obvious she needed to say something, but her mind drew a complete blank.

  Lewis made tea, not that she had asked for it, and he sat down with the two cups. “So I know you are a greenhouse worker, and that is about it. Tell me a little about yourself.”

  “Uh, that about sums it up,” she replied. This time she wasn’t trying to be difficult; she really just couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “Not too chatty, I see. Well, let’s see. I work in maintenance and construction. I was coupled once before—”

  “You were?” Freya blurted unintentionally.

  “Yes. It is a sad story, actually. My partner died in childbirth. It doesn’t happen often, but it does still happen. Once I felt ready to be coupled again, I requested to not have children. My son didn’t survive either.” He looked sad. “I just don’t want there to be a chance to go through something like that again.” He sighed dramatically.

  He was good. Freya felt a moment of panic. It was her turn to speak. What on earth should I say to him? He raised his eyebrows, almost as if he were trying to tell her to say something with his mind.

  “I’m sorry,” she said after a long pause. He kept staring at her, waiting. It was not a natural thing for her, but she knew it needed to be done. She awkwardly placed her hand on his. “That is really terrible.”

  He looked a little happier when she touched him; he still waited for her to say more, but she didn’t. “Is this your first time being coupled?” He had obviously given up on her ability to read his mind.

  “No. I was coupled for just under a year, but he left on the colony ship,” she answered.

  “Wow,” he said in fake surprise. Then he put his other hand on top of hers. “I am sorry. That must have been so hard for you.” He gave another pause. “I must admit, I am pleased to hear that you have been coupled before. I was concerned that if they put me with someone who hadn’t, there would be some jealousy or insecurity or something. I loved my partner very well, and I am sure that I will grow to love you also.”

  That last part he said was almost too far. Freya struggled to not vomit. He was really good at this—too good. She improvised and decided the best way to hide the near retching was to pretend to cry.

  “I’m sorry.” She hid her face from the camera with her hands. “It’s just I didn’t sleep well last night. I was nervous about meeting you.” She continued to fake sob. �
�It is still hard for me to talk about my partner, or even think about him.”

  “Oh, there, there.” He reached out to rub a hand up and down her shoulder. “My partner died long before your partner left. I have had much more time to heal. Don’t be sorry, I still struggle with it too. Maybe this is just a little too much for one day. You said yourself you have not slept. Why don’t you go and lie down for a little while?” He stood and urged her to do the same thing. He led her to the bedroom, almost as though he was helping an elderly or sick person. He closed the door the moment they got into the bedroom.