by Lylah James
This was Maddox, my best friend.
He blinked, as if he wasn't expecting the question. “I don't know.”
Curious, I pushed for more. “What do you mean?”
“I used to think love was fake. It didn't exist. Love is too complicated and shit. No one belonged to me before. I was never close enough to love someone or to even understand the meaning of it.”
Wild emotions clogged my throat, and my heart flipped like a caged bird, beating its wings, looking for an escape.
“And what do you think now?” I whispered the question.
Maddox faced me, his blue eyes staring into mine, looking right through my cold exterior, pushing right through my walls and knocking at my caged heart.
When he spoke again, his voice was deep and rough. His words were a silent confession.
“Now, I have someone to lose, and I know it will break me. I know what it means to fear losing the person who means the most to you. That person has the power to destroy me.”
Silence fell upon us, and I couldn't find the words to convey what I was feeling. I turned my head away from his probing gaze and went back to staring at the headstones.
Seconds turned into long minutes, but we sat there in comfortable silence.
“Maddox?”
“Yeah?”
I took a deep breath and made my first promise to Maddox. “You won't lose me. Ever.”
He was quiet for a moment, and I thought I fucked up, until his hand came into the line of my vision, and he showed me his pinky.
“Promise?” he asked softly.
I hooked my finger around his. Maddox was warm and familiar. He felt solid and safe. I wanted to cling to him and never, ever let go. “Promise.”
He flexed his pinky around me and then he smiled.
For the first time today, I smiled, too.
Pinky swear, me and you... forever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Lila
“So, is it like…a date?” I asked. “A real date?”
I couldn’t see Riley’s face through the phone, but her giddiness was apparent as she let out a small squeal. “Well, yeah. I mean… he called, and he asked if we could grab dinner, and he told me to dress warm since it tends to get a bit colder at night,” she breathed, each word laced with excitement. “And Lila, his voice… over the phone… I think I almost orgasmed. Holy shit.”
I fell back on my bed, a wide grin spreading over my lips. “Honestly, I didn’t think Grayson was going to do it,” I said. “I mean, ask you out.”
He was so reserved, so quiet and didn’t mingle with the rest of the Berkshire students.
In fact, he was a loner.
Riley didn’t give up though.
She giggled, and I heard some rustling in the background. “It’s been three months. It’s about time he breaks down and ask me out. I can’t decide what to wear. Jeans or a dress? He said to put on something warm, but maybe a dress is fitting? Something cute or something sexy?” She paused, thoughtfully. “I don’t want to come across as easy or trying to fuck on our first date. But I also want to feel pretty and sexy.”
After Jasper, Riley had sworn off any Berkshire boys. She said they were all the same, and the pain of what Jasper did was still too fresh, even though it had been over a year since their breakup. It was the first time I’d seen her this excited; I just hoped Grayson didn’t end up breaking her heart.
Although, I liked to believe that he was into her as much as she liked him. He was always subtle about his feelings but I had seen him sneaking glances at Riley and trying to hide his smile. There was a look in his eyes when he watched her–something akin to adoration.
The same look I had seen in Colton’s eyes, too.
I wasn’t sure if I should’ve talked to Riley about Colton, but she was happy with Grayson and that was all I wanted. He was a good guy, and Riley liked him. The end.
She made her decision. Colton would just have to accept it.
“Remember the black dress you wore last Christmas? The mini one, V cut? You looked cute but smoking hot,” I offered.
Riley made a sound of agreement. “Oh, that one! My boobs look nice in that dress. I can wear those new high heels boots I got!”
“Atta girl. There you go. What time is he picking you up at?” I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost six pm.
“Umm… an hour. Shit, I gotta get ready. Talk later?”
Her happiness was contagious. “Yeah, babe. Text me when you get home. I want to hear all about it.”
Riley let out a small giggle before she mumbled. “He better kiss me, or I’m going to be reaaally disappointed.”
Oh yeah, he better.
Because I wanted to know all about that kiss.
We said our goodbyes and hung up.
Riley was happy…
The ringing of my phone jostled me out of my thoughts, and I stared down at the screen. Maddox. His name flashing on my phone screen reminded me that I was supposed to be angry.
I answered the phone, and Maddox cut me off before I could say anything. “Come outside. Now,” he demanded. The low rumble of his voice had my stomach fluttering before I remembered to hang onto the anger.
Ugh, asshole.
“What do you want?” I shot back, rather rudely. What he did was… unforgiveable.
“Lila.” There was a warning in his voice.
“Maddox,” I hissed.
“I’m outside. Come out. Now.”
“Maybe if you say please.” The sarcasm dripped from my mouth easily. Watch out, I got my sassy pants on today.
There was a frustrated growl before I heard him sigh. “Please.”
Huh. That was shocking.
My lips flattened in a straight line. “No.”
“For fuck’s sake! Are you still pissed because I ate your muffin?”
“You stole my muffin!” And it was the last one.
“I thought you didn’t want it. You left it on the table.”
I growled in response. He was silent for a second before he laughed. The jerk actually laughed. “Are you on your period?”
“Fuck you.” I ended the call with a growl.
Yes, I was on my period.
Yes, I was cranky. Because this asshole, aka my best friend, ate my mint chocolate muffin.
A second later, my pinged with a message. Come out, please. I’m sorry about the muffin.
I typed a quick text back. Why?
My screen flashed with another message. Just trust me.
I rolled of my eyes and bounced off the bed. Maddox wasn’t going to give up. For all I knew, if I didn’t come out of the house, he was going to come in and get me.
I stepped out of the house to find Maddox leaning against his car, arms crossed. At the sight of me, he licked his lips and winked. My breath caught in my throat because he was so sinfully handsome. Then I remembered he was my best friend… and I was supposed to be mad, right?
I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. “What do you want?”
Maddox crooked his index finger at me, beckoning me to come closer. I did.
“Come closer. I’m not going to bite, Garcia.”
“You’re annoying me, Coulter,” I snapped.
He tsked before he looped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. I stumbled against him, and our bodies clashed together.
A cocky grin spread over his lips. “I can’t decide if I like you feisty or I like you quiet.”
I huffed and blew my hair out of my face, before squinting up at him. He sobered, the mischievous glint in his eyes gone. My heart dropped to my stomach, and my palms started sweating.
“Lila, do you trust me?”
My eyes flared in surprise. “Why are you asking?”
“Answer the question.” His gaze didn’t waver from mine, absorbing me and holding me captive.
I shook my head and tried to move away from him. “What’s going on?”
I didn’t like the look on his face. So
mething was up, and I wasn’t going to like it.
“I want to try something with you,” he slowly explained.
“Jump off an airplane? Scuba diving? Bungee Jumping? Rafting? Something stupid and thrill seeking?”
Maddox loved the adrenaline rush, loved any outdoor activity that would have my heart spilling out through my mouth. We went mountain biking a few weeks ago. Well, he did, and I watched from the sideline, convincing myself not to pass out.
It was too dangerous, too reckless… everything that Maddox needed in his life. The thrill and the rush through his veins. He lived for it.
Maddox shook his head, the expression on his face still too serious. “No, this isn’t about me. This is for you. But I want us to do it together.”
“Maddox, spit it out.” Nerves gnawed at my gut as I waited for him to speak.
Still holding me in his arms, Maddox turned us around, so I was facing his car, with my back against his front. I was trapped between him and the car.
My breath expelled through my lips with a harsh exhale, and my knees quivered. His hands landed on my hips, and his breath feathered next to my ear. He reached around me and pulled the passenger door open, his intention clear.
No. No. No.
I was already struggling against him before he could say a word. “Maddox–”
“Do you trust me?” He said in my ear.
“No, I don’t.” My throat convulsed, and every muscle in my body turned to ice. There was a roaring in my ears, and my heart pounded so hard it felt like it was about to beat right out of my chest. “I… can’t,” I wheezed. “Don’t make me do this.”
“Lila, do you trust me?” The baritone of his voice reverberated through my bones, commanding and strong–grounding me and forcing me to face reality. My hands shook, and I started sweating, even though the spring air was cold against my skin.
I swallowed. “No.”
“Don’t lie, Lila.” His hands tightened on my hips.
My lungs burnt, and I couldn’t breathe.
The panic began with a cluster of sparks in my abdomen. My skin itched, feeling too tight around my flesh. My own body was causing me to suffocate. Chest heaving, breath coming out in gasps and tears threatening to fall, I crumbled to the ground. Maddox came with me, not letting go. My heart jumped in terror, in fear, and each breath I pulled into my body became painful.
Why? Why was he doing this to me? Why, Maddox?
There was a hurricane of emotions coursing inside me, threatening to burst through. I couldn’t stop shaking, my mind playing continuous tricks on me.
“Breathe,” Maddox said, his voice breaking through the chaos in my head.
“I… can’t.”
Breathe! Damn it, I told myself.
I clutched my chest and gasped. Ten… nine… eight…
The world around me slowed and became a blur, my blood turned to ice and my body felt… numb. There was a vicious pounding in the back of my head and the veins in my neck throbbed.
“I believe in you,” he whispered.
Seven… six… five… four…
“Breathe, baby.”
Three… two… one.
For the longest time, we stayed just like this.
My head lolled backward onto his shoulders. “Is this fun to you? Seeing me like this…?”
His lips brushed my temple, softly. “No. But I’m about to help you conquer your fear. You only live once, Lila.”
“I… can’t do it today,” I confessed.
Maddox shook his head. “Not today, not tomorrow… but maybe next week. We’re going to keep trying.”
My chin wobbled, and I nodded my head.
I did try. For five days, I tried. Maddox successfully got me closer to his car. Every day, he opened the passenger door, and I’d crumble to the ground, shaking and gasping.
Day by day, I tackled my past and pushed past my fear until my body threatened to give out.
On day six, I could barely step out of my grandparents’ house. My legs were shaking so badly that Maddox had to help me walk down the gravelly path to his car.
Again, my knees weakened, and I slumped forward.
A sob escaped past my lips as the crushing anxiety made its way into my body once again.
“I’m… sorry,” I choked.
Maddox waited for my panic attack to recede, his presence commanding and his hand steady on my back. He dominated my panicking, soothing me with a gentle touch.
I lifted my head from his shoulder, and his intense, beautiful eyes locked with mine. Panic coursed through me, making my eyes wild and my face white as a ghost, but he didn’t stare at me like I was some pathetic loser.
Maddox waited patiently. Because he believed in me.
I chewed on my lip as I tried to calm my breathing. The muscles in my body spasmed, but I fought to stay conscious.
“Put me in the car, Maddox.” I tried to sound firm, but my voice only came out as weak as the cries of a newborn kitten.
He pressed his lips together, searching my eyes. Maybe he saw the resolve in them because he nodded. We got to our feet, and I struggled to stand upright. This time, when Maddox opened the passenger door, I climbed into the car on unsteady legs. I slumped into the seat, my heart banging viciously against my ribs.
He placed the seatbelt around me as I held onto my seat, knuckles white, fingers aching with how tight I was holding on.
He pressed his thumb over my full lips, putting them away from my teeth. “Trust me,” Maddox rasped.
Trust him? I did, wholly and truly, with all my heart.
That was the scariest part.
“We’re doing this.”
He grinned. “No, you are doing this.”
Maddox closed the door, and I watched him move around the car to the driver’s seat. He climbed in, and I took a deep breath. His hands were on the steering wheel, waiting.
“Do it, Maddox.” I trust you.
“Before we do this, I need to tell you something,” he paused. I cocked my head, waiting. “Those yoga pants you’re wearing should be illegal, Garcia.”
My lips parted, and a sudden laughter bubbled from my chest.
“Maddox!” I was still laughing when he turned the ignition, and, without me realizing, the car started rolling forward.
My smile slipped off my face, and I gasped.
“Oh God.” My breath stuttered.
That night… the memories…
Everything hit me at once, and I was drowning, sinking… dying.
I can’t breathe.
Maddox grasped my hand. “I got you.” His deep voice was soft but powerful, with a rich silky tone. “Lila.”
My eyes closed, and I breathed through my nose.
Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one.
I was dying.
“You’re not dying,” a voice said to me.
His voice.
Maddox.
“I am.” Mom… dad… I love you. I love you so much. Can you hear me? I’m sorry.
A warm hand folded around mine. “I’m right here. You’re not dying.”
So warm, so strong, so familiar.
Cold wind brushed against my sweaty, overheating skin.
“Open your eyes, Lila.” No.
“Trust me,” he said.
Anguish twisted my stomach. I pressed a hand over my chest, trying to rub the ache away. My eyes fluttered open as I wheezed through each breath.
My window had been rolled down, hence the breeze brushing up against my hair. And…
Oh my God.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Maddox spoke.
I couldn’t blink, couldn’t take my eyes off the pink and orange sky. The sunset. We were apparently driving over a hill, and I recognized that it wasn’t too far from my house. I never knew the sunset could be so beautiful up here, like this…
I couldn’t stop the tears burning my eyes and threatening to spill. They slid down my cheeks, and I cho
ked back a cry.
“Maddox,” I breathed, my hands shaking in both fear and… something else, I didn’t know. Maybe in relief?
“Look out and feel the wind, Lila. I got you. You’re safe.”
I brought my head closer to the window and felt the breeze against my face. More tears spilled down my cheeks. My stomach churned with an anxious feeling. Panic and fear thrummed through my veins.
But…
I was in a car.
Maddox was driving.
I was… alive.
My lips wobbled with a smile. “Hey, Maddox?”
“If you’re about to confess your undying love to me, I’m going to tell you to stop right there, Sweet Cheeks,” he rumbled.
“Still an asshole, I see.”
Maddox chuckled, and my stomach fluttered. Thank you.
“Friends?” I asked, showing him my pinky. It was something so silly to do, but it was us.
He grinned and hooked his finger around mine. “Friends.”
Maddox drove for hours, until the sunset disappeared and the stars came out in the dark sky. He eventually stopped the car over a hill and cranked up the radio, which was ironically playing Lauv’s There’s No Way. He reached behind him to the backseat and handed me a small brown paper bag.
I peeked inside and smiled. A mint chocolate muffin. I took a bite, my eyes going to Maddox to find that he was already looking at me.
I didn’t have to confess my undying love to Maddox. What we had; it was an unspoken understanding with unsaid words and a feeling we couldn’t explain. Love was too simple a word to describe it because love was black and white. Love or don’t love – there was not really an in-between.
What we had… it was a kaleidoscope of colors.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Maddox
“I don’t like him,” I growled, folding my arms over my chest. I stayed rooted in front of the door, as if I could somehow stop her from leaving.
Lila rolled her eyes, bent over and touched her toes. She stretched, and I had to look away because, goddamn it, her ass looked good in those jeans.
I was pissed at my own reaction and this whole situation. And I didn’t exactly know why.
“It’s not up to you,” she said in a sing-song voice. Somedays, I wished she was intimidated by me. It’d make this whole friendship thing easier, but nope. Lila Garcia was fucking feisty, and she constantly butted heads with me. “You’re not going on that date with him. I am.”