by Ruby Dixon
"Um…what am I supposed to do with that?"
Pak puts it to his mouth and then slurps it down like it's pasta, right down to the sloppy noises and smacking of lips.
"Oh Jesus. Is that dinner?" I swallow hard. I know a lot of the islanders eat their food raw, but…it's usually fish, and I can trick myself into thinking it's sushi.
This is not sushi. This is slime.
Pak rips off another, the innards splattering across his small hand. He holds it out to me, and my stomach growls. I haven't eaten in at least twenty-four hours, and I'm going to need to eat something soon to keep my strength up. Unfortunately, I don't see a big pot of stew anywhere, or a buffet. "Goddamn it, I'm going to have to eat that, aren't I?" I suck in a deep breath, take the noodle from him, and try not to cringe at how wet and cold it is. "Sushi noodle," I chant to myself. "Sushi noodle. Sushi noodle."
Holding my nose, I suck the thing down.
Pak laughs delightedly at my expression.
"Shut up. I don't like you right now," I mutter.
The father just ignores us both and keeps on paddling.
4
U'DRON
It is clear I am going to have to hunt for R'ven on my own. When another day passes and there is still no sign of her, the others shrug and seem to think she has decided to leave us behind. That she is not in any danger, because there is simply no trail, and therefore she must have hidden it from us.
They are wrong. I know they are.
So I will go look for her on my own.
I get a pack and fill it with supplies, food for several days and a skin full of water. I bring a net and fishhooks, my spear, a fire-making kit and a knife, along with a fur wrap that can be used as a blanket or worn if it is too cold. It is more than I would have brought with me back home on the island, but I do not know this land like I knew the caves and grottoes of my home. I knew the forest floor like the back of my hand. Here, everything is strange and I must be prepared. I wear my thickest boots and wait until it is dark and the stars are glittering overhead.
I should tell I'rec that I am going, perhaps, or A'tam, who is my closest friend. So they will know to come looking for me if I do not return within a few days. I say nothing, though. If I tell I'rec, he will pull rank and insist that I stay. That I am not a true hunter and so I should not go searching for the female. I should leave it for those that are true hunters, those that passed the proving.
Those that are worthy.
I hate that word, worthy. I have heard it far too many times in the last ten turns of the season. I am just as much a hunter as anyone else. I have brought down just as much game as the others in my clan, perhaps even more because I constantly feel I must prove myself. I am as strong as I'rec, as broad as O'jek, and quieter than A'tam. I am the oldest of what is left of Shadow Cat.
I am worthy. I am.
And I am going to find R'ven and bring her home. With that thought ringing in my head, I sling my pack over my shoulder, grab my spear, and head down the beach.
The sands here are slightly different than the sands at home, larger and crunch more underfoot, so I move slowly to keep silent. My nose pricks, catching the slightest scents, but the camp itself is nothing but the usual cluster of people-scents and smoke, food and F'rli's shaggy pet. I move past the huts on the shore, move past the drying racks, move past someone's discarded net. I move past the endless clusters of tide pools and then past the large tumble of stones that marks the “boundary” of camp, the ones that the hyoo-mans never go past.
It is just a hunch, but I think R'ven went this way. It is not a friendly path, but perhaps she came this way anyhow. Perhaps she had a reason that we do not know. But it is the only path that makes sense if she did not go to the mountains. I study the cliffs that hug the shore. I know they are riddled with caves, most of them little more than inhospitable holes in the rock that fill with water when the tide comes in. I swallow hard, because I imagine R'ven's body floating here, her long, pale mane flowing in the water…
No. She is not dead.
I close my eyes and touch my chest, willing my khui to resonate. To show me the way to her. I have heard such tales, back when my parents were alive. Of a great hunter whose pleasure mate was stolen from him by Long Tail clan. He could not find her, no matter how hard he looked, so he closed his eyes and asked his khui to guide him. He resonated and followed the sound of the song until he found his mate. She resonated back to him, and Long Tail released her into his waiting arms.
It is a good story, but…my khui remains silent and no amount of hoping on my part will get it to sing.
With a sigh, I study the cliffs before me. They are a lot for a hyoo-man to climb, so I do not think she went that way. Perhaps she found a way in the caves through to the other side. Perhaps she swam. I eye the icy waters. The next section of beach might not be so far away, just on the other side of the cliffs. If that is the case, perhaps her scent can be found there.
It is worth a try. If I do not find her scent here, I will backtrack and search elsewhere. I know she is somewhere…I just have to find her.
I am not ready to give up on her. The others would not understand why I must search…why it is so important to me. Why she is so important to me. I have not resonated to her but…we understand one another. I feel R'ven is a kindred spirit.
I think back to the first night we truly became friends and let those thoughts run through my head while I search the caves.
Some weeks ago
R'ven is not by the fire, despite the gathering.
This is unusual. Normally she is one of the first to appear the moment I get my drum, a smile on her face as she asks me to set a beat. I live for those moments when she leans in, tucking her long, pale mane behind her ears and talking to me as if I am the only one that exists on the beach. It is when I have her attention all to myself, and I find I will use any excuse to bring out my drum and make music, if it means R'ven will be making that music alongside me. My people do not put words to songs, just croon in time to the beat. R'ven is different, though. She always has words with her songs, and even if they are strange words, I like hearing her chant them. She has a soft, sweet voice that can grow loud when she needs it to carry.
Most of all, though, I like that when she sings, she looks at me and smiles at me. It is like we share a moment with the music when we are together, and it makes me feel…things.
Things I should not want because I am not a true hunter. I cannot take a pleasure mate until I have completed the proving…and now that I never will, I cannot have a mate unless resonance steps in. But I can smile at R'ven. I can look at her, and I can play my drum…and I can hope.
Which is why I notice when she does not come to the fire. No one else seems to pay attention, and I play a half-hearted beat for a time before I give up. I grab a bowl of delicious stew from Shail and scarf it down before asking for another. Even though we landed here over two turns of the moon ago, I am still shocked that food is so plentiful, that we can eat as much as we like and it is not a problem.
Shail hands me a second bowl and smiles, so I decide to ask her. I try to seem casual. "Where is R'ven tonight? I need her singing to go with my drum."
The look she gives me is shrewd. "I guess she didn't feel like hanging out. You want me to ask?"
"No," I blurt out quickly. "I was merely curious—"
"Hey, Tia," Shail calls out, and the young, pretty female with big dark curls leaves I'rec's side and moves toward Shail. T'ia casts me an assessing look, a smile curving her mouth. I remember I mouth-mated her when we played the spinning game, and it got my hopes up…until she mouth-mated several others, too. Even now, she teases both I'rec and O'jek, and S'ssah and R'jaal. No one is special to her, so I ignore her attempts to draw me in.
I do wish Shail had pulled another aside, though.
"U'dron was wondering where Raven is," Shail says casually. "Do you know?"
"Is he, now?" T'ia twirls a lock of her mane around her finger and giggles.
<
br /> I clutch the bowl, feeling foolish. "I merely wanted to hear her singing…"
"It's okay, honey." Shail touches my arm in a motherly way. "You're being a gentleman. It's very sweet to ask after her." She gives T'ia a pointed look. "Isn't it?"
"Very sweet," T'ia echoes, smirking.
I fight the urge to abandon the gathering altogether and suck down my stew, lifting the bowl to my face.
"She's in a pissy mood," T'ia eventually says. "Said she didn't want to hang out. She needed to realign her chakras or something. You know how she gets."
I set my empty bowl down as Shail crosses her arms. "Go find her and ask if she's okay. That doesn't sound like Raven to me. She's a gentle soul."
T'ia makes a whining sound in her throat. "But I'm talking, Gail. I don't want to leave. Me and I'rec—"
"I will go find her," I say quickly. "There is no need for T'ia to abandon the celebration."
"Are you sure?" Shail asks. When I nod, she pats me on the arm again. "Tell her I'm keeping some food put aside for her. She'll have something to eat even if she's not in the mood to join us."
"I will share this with her," I say gravely, and then head away from the group by the fire. O'jek gives me a curious look, but I pick up my drum and hand it to him. "You are now in charge of the music."
He makes a sound in his throat that might be disgust.
I step away, heading toward the large cave all of the unmated females sleep in. No one is inside, so I skirt the encampment, looking for a familiar slender form and a pale mane. There are trails heading up to the hills, but I do not think R'ven would go into the mountains at night, alone. She does not join the others with hunting lessons, stating that she prefers not to kill anything and “wound its spirit.” She spends her time at camp most days, sewing or working hides, or watching Z'hren for Shail. Her scent heads down to the beach, so I go there instead, walking along the shore.
I almost miss the sight of her. R'ven lies atop one of the largest rocks at the edge of the water, no more than a pale smudge in the night. Her scent calls me, though, reassuring me that she is here, and I begin to climb up after her. The rock is taller than I thought, at least two hyoo-man heights tall, so I am impressed she was able to climb it so easily. But…perhaps she is now trapped up here? All the more reason to retrieve her.
I climb up next to her, sticking my head over the top and looking over. "R'ven?"
She glances over at me in surprise, rolling onto her side. "U'dron? What are you doing here?"
"Are you trapped? Do you need help getting down?"
Her pensive expression eases into a smile. "No. I'm fine. I just came up here to meditate."
"Med-uh-tayt," I echo, climbing the rest of the way up. The rocks are not smooth and tear at my palms and knees, but if R'ven is up here, this is where I want to be. I sit down next to her, cross legged, as she sits up and gazes out at the water. "What is this word?"
"Doesn't matter. I'm lying." She offers me a weak smile. "I guess I just wanted some alone time."
I go still. "Should I leave?"
"No, it's okay." She touches my knee. "You can stay. I like your company."
Heat rises in my neck, and I feel pleased and oddly nervous. I do not know why I am nervous—it is just R'ven. But I keep thinking about the way she touched my knee. I casually reach out and rub it, caressing the same spot she did on my leggings. I try to think of something to say to her. "How—how are you?"
The smile she flashes me is weary. "I'm tired tonight." She turns ever so slightly and faces the water, hugging her knees against her chest. She gazes out at the waves and says no more.
She seems sad, and I worry that I am bothering her. "Do you…want company? Or should I leave?"
"I'm not sure."
I grunt. "Then I will stay and remain quiet." I turn towards the waters as she does, admiring the sight of them. The waves seem slower here, laden as they are with slushy ice. Everything is icy and cold here, and the one called D'vi has explained that the reason that the island was so warm was due to the Great Smoking Mountain creating something like a “heat pocket.” She used bigger words to describe it, of course, and said a great many things I did not understand. I understand well enough, though. This place is cold. My home was hot. That is all I need to grasp.
This place has food, and females, so it is automatically better than home at the base of the Great Smoking Mountain, which killed all of Long Tail clan and most of my clan. And…this place has R'ven.
I will endure any amount of cold just to see her smile at me.
Drumming starts at the camp, the sound carried on the wind, and I inwardly wince at O'jek's clumsy beat. He is impatient with the drum, pounding out a story without thinking of how he is telling it.
At my side, R'ven chuckles, breaking the silence. "That's pretty bad."
"It is." I grimace. "O'jek is trying very hard but he does not have a steady beat in his spirit."
"Not like you," she agrees, and I am warm all over. "Why aren't you with them?"
"Why are you not with them?" I counter.
She lets out a sigh and leans back, flattening herself on the rocks once more. "I don't really think I belong sometimes."
It is like a spear in my gut. Have I not thought the same thing myself? "I know what that feels like." I ease backward onto the rocks like she does and stare up at the sky. "It is difficult when everyone around you seems to fit in so easily, and yet you are on the outside no matter how hard you try."
R'ven is quiet for a moment and then confesses, "I overheard someone making fun of my songs earlier."
I turn to look at her. "Someone does not like your songs?"
She nodded. "They were joking that I change the tempo too much. They don't sound the same…and that I pick weird songs. I just pick songs I know and like. I can't help it if I know more Rihanna than Simon and Garfunkel."
"I like your songs," I say stubbornly.
Her smile in response is as warm and sweet as fruit from the island.
"Tell me who it was," I say. "I will talk to them. I do not like that they hurt your feelings."
She shakes her head. "It's not important. And it wasn't meant for me to hear, so I think it was just…spouting off, you know? Just letting off some steam. I don't think she would ever say it to my face."
"But it still hurt you."
Silence. Then, a shrug. "I guess because sometimes I feel like music is all I have to offer. I'm not skilled at anything that translates here. I'm—" She pauses for a moment and then stops herself. "—different," she finally says.
"I do not belong either," I confess. My failure to complete the proving is a secret that Shadow Cat has kept all this time, because I'rec does not wish for us to look weak in front of the other clans. I am keenly aware of it, though.
"Well, I think you're pretty great," R'ven tells me in a soft voice. She nudges me. "I think Steph thinks you are, too. I've noticed her looking at you."
S'teph? I wish for R'ven to notice me, not another female. S'teph is nice, I think, with bouncy curves and an understanding smile…but she is not R'ven. "I…have my eyes set upon another."
"Oh," she says, very softly.
I suspect we both know who it is, and my neck gets hot again. I stare up at the sky like she does, at the stars that are out tonight, and the pale moonlight cast down by both the Big and Little Moons. R'ven seems very interested in the sky, and I am very interested in changing the subject before she asks me more about what I meant. I clear my throat. "Why are you staring at the stars?"
She chuckles. "Oh. I dunno. They're supposed to have pictures in them. Constellations. But I don't see anything. I think I'm too big of a dummy."
Dumb? R'ven? With her clever songs and the way she always keeps a steady beat? Impossible. I gaze up at the stars, trying to see pictures in them, and all I see are…stars. Specks of light in the sky. "I do not see them either. Perhaps we are both big dumb."
Her laughter spills out across the beach, and the hea
t in my neck spreads to other parts of my body. Hearing her laugh like this makes me feel…good. Very good. She lightly bats at my arm in a teasing manner. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"I am not," I promise. "I see nothing but…a spray of lights in the sky, like the moons have sneezed and sprayed everywhere."
R'ven giggles harder. "That is the least romantic way I have ever heard the stars described, ever." Her laughter dies, and she gives a little sigh. "Thanks for keeping me company, U'dron."
"Always," I say, and I mean it.
Tonight, I would ask R'ven to look at the stars with me, I think. It is clear and bright out, a good night…if she were not missing. Looking at the stars has always been something we did together after that first night. Whenever I was feeling lonely or out of sorts, I would tell the others I was going to look at stars, and R'ven would inevitably join me. It was the same for her—if she separated herself from the group, I would join her and we would watch the stars together and just talk about how we saw no pictures in them, no matter what the others said.
It was something we shared, something that was ours.
And that is why I will find her again. Because I know R'ven better than anyone else, and I know she would want to be found. She does not leave the others because she truly wishes to be left alone; she separates herself because she feels unwanted.
If she finds out they have stopped looking for her, she will truly feel unwanted. I will not let her be hurt that way, so I will find her. I spend too much precious time sloshing through half-filled caves of water, but there is no sign of R'ven, no scent clinging to the walls. It would have been washed away. I head out to the shore and decide to swim south, following the cliffs. With my knife between my teeth and my body stripped of clothing, I head out, holding my pack atop my head so it does not get wet.
It is a miserable swim, but a short one. The next stretch of beach is a short distance over, and I get out of the water quickly, shaking off the worst of the cold. No sea creatures attacked me, so I put my knife away and look around on this stretch of beach, stomping my feet to warm them as I go. There is no R'ven scent on this beach, which is disappointing, so I put my pack atop my head and swim out again, heading farther south. I follow the rocky walls and hunt through caves, looking for traces of my pretty hyoo-man, but there is nothing.