by Ruby Monroe
The doctor’s voice bounced around in her head and echoed through the examination room. He had just confirmed her worst nightmare. She was in a daze. This cannot be happening to me.
“Ruby, we need to have a chat now, or you can make another appointment. You’re looking a little pale; maybe you should have a seat in the waiting room for a few minutes. I’d like you to come back to see me when the news sinks in, and you’ve had a chance to talk to the father and your mother. Being about three months pregnant, there are things you need to do, like eating healthy and taking special vitamins with iron. If the vomiting continues, we can give you something for that.”
“When will the baby be born?” she asked, more from curiosity than needing to know for planning.
“Your baby will likely be born around the beginning of July. That’s a rough guesstimate, of course.” Doctor Martin put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
She knew he saw the fear in her eyes. As he left the room, he quietly asked Nurse Jane, “I wonder if our very young mother-to-be has a decent support system. Would you mind asking?”
“Of course, doctor. I’ll give Ruby some pamphlets with phone numbers for some resources.” Nurse Jane turned to Ruby and said, “When you finish dressing, you can pick up an envelope at reception with some information on places that will help you.”
Mechanically, Ruby tried to get dressed. She fumbled nervously with her underwear, her hands trembling. Two tries later, She finally got a foot into the leg of her jeans. Several attempts later, she gave up on the waist button and zipper. She pulled down her sweater to cover the gaping open space. Oh, hell, I’m wearing my long winter jacket. It’ll be covered. Her waist had expanded from the pregnancy, she knew now, and not from overeating during the holidays.
On her way out, she stopped to speak with the older receptionist and get the envelope with her name on it. “Tell Doctor Martin I’ll call and make another appointment. Bye.” Navigating more by habit than intention, Ruby made her way out of the doctor’s office, along the narrow institutional green hallway and down the stairs. She was in a fog. She sat bolt upright on the bus and stared out the window. She barely remembered the trip home.
How could this happen? I think Jason is not as well-versed about sex or pregnancy as he thought he was. I also realize that I know even less. From what I’ve been reading, he really should have worn a condom.
Having a baby on TV shows looked extremely painful. What have I done? The women scream at the top of their lungs and cry. Now that scares the hell out of me.
Ruby stopped at her local convenience store before walking home. Clutching the envelope, she was desperate to find magazines or books—which she preferred—that could help her understand the changes that were happening to her body.
I have fretted for too long. I must somehow get the courage to call Jason and tell him the news. This is likely the last conversation I’ll ever have with him. He’ll probably leave me to fend for myself. Abandon me—after all, it is me that’s going to have a baby, not him.
After several tentative attempts, Ruby finally gathered the courage to dial Jason’s number.
“Hello?”
The sound of his voice gave her nerve to continue. “Hi, Jason. How are you?”
“I’m good. We’re very busy at work right now. I’m not complaining, because I earn lots more money.”
Ruby tried to be patient and let him tell her about work, but she knew her announcement was way more important than anything he had to say. She blurted out, “I went to see my doctor today.”
“Are you not feeling well?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Really. Are you sure?”
“Yes. My doctor, unfortunately, confirmed that I’m about three months pregnant. I’m really scared,” she whispered into the receiver. Sarah was in the next room, watching her daily soaps.
“Oh my God. Have you told your mother yet?”
She avoided the question. “I feel funny all of the time, and the constant vomiting leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.” She pulled a face just like when she smelled or ate something yucky.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. Did you tell your mother yet?”
“No. I’m actually dreading telling her. I think she’ll be really angry,” Ruby shared in a very low voice, now fighting back tears.
He heard the crack in her voice. “Ruby, please don’t cry. It’ll be all right. I promise. But you have to tell her. I’ll tell my parents tonight,” he said as if he was accepting some responsibility for her pregnancy.
“Jason, what do I do now?” Ruby asked when she realized he wasn’t going to abandon her. His acceptance allowed her to gather a little courage.
“I’m Catholic. We don’t believe in abortion, so that’s not an option,” he firmly stated.
“Abortion? What’s that?” she questioned, and then she continued before he could respond, “Is that something I should consider? I don’t know anything about abortion.”
“No, sweetie, nothing for you to worry about. Please, just tell your mother.”
She knew he regretted bringing up the subject of abortion. She heard the hesitation in his voice. This wouldn’t be his plan. She did wonder why he brushed off her comments and questions. Ruby was sure he didn’t know the answer to her questions anyway.
She stood silently holding the receiver. Her feet were frozen to the spot. What should I do? Oh, I feel sick to my stomach, but this time it definitely isn’t morning sickness. I’m so afraid. She clutched her tummy as a wave of nausea came over her. She managed to muster the courage to agree. In an almost incoherent voice, she mumbled, “Okay … you’re right. I need to tell her. I don’t mind telling you, I’m really, really scared. I wish you were here for moral support.”
He emphatically stated, “Sorry, Ruby, but your mother scares the hell out of me. Every time I’m with you, she gives me that look like she hates me. She’ll dislike me even more now. I can’t handle that—at least not right now.”
Ruby believed that deep down Jason did want to help her, but she knew he had developed a serious fear of her mother. When she thought about her mother and how she gave Jason her nasty looks and stares, she understood his dread. Ruby hadn’t thought about her mother becoming Jason’s mother-in-law. She wondered if her mother would ever welcome Jason into the family. The whole mess caused a cold shudder to rush over her whole body.
Bringing herself back to the conversation, Ruby offered, “I don’t know how she’s going to react. I wish this was someone else’s life, not mine.”
“Please, I don’t want to hear you say that. We’ll be okay. Just tell your mother. Call me later tonight or tomorrow after I get home from work. Whatever happens, I want to know. Good luck, Ruby. I’ll be thinking about you.”
Speaking softly, with her left hand cupped over the receiver, she said, “Okay. I’ll probably talk to you tomorrow.”
In a deep trance of reflection, she stared blankly into space. Ruby placed the receiver onto the phone cradle. With reluctance, she walked slowly—oh so very slowly—into the living room. I wonder if I need to first practice what I’m going to say. I know how she overreacts to the least little thing. This is no small issue. She’ll blow up and start putting me down like my feelings don’t count. How do I tell her? Will she care that this talk is really important to me? I wonder how she’ll accept my news. She may toss me out onto the street. Then what would I do?
Entering the living room, she looked at her mother engrossed in The Guiding Light. Sarah never missed an episode. Maybe this is not a good time. We’re never permitted to bother her when she’s watching her soaps. I’ll come back later. Ruby moved as if to walk away, sidestepping the conversation. Who am I kidding? she scolded herself. Avoiding telling her will solve nothing. Putting this off isn’t an option. I must have this conversation.
She made several false st
arts, but eventually she got the courage to confess. She timidly said, “Mom … I … Mom, I saw Doctor Martin today.”
With eyes straight ahead, still watching the TV, her mother said, “Why?”
Ruby drew in a long deep breath and squeezed her eyes almost closed, dreading her next sentence. She hesitated, and then she gathered a little bit of courage. Taking a deep breath and then exhaling very slowly, she put off uttering the worst news ever. Sheepishly, she lowered her eyes, focused on the floor and said, “I thought I had the flu.”
“Okay,” Sarah said, half listening but still visibly glued to her TV.
Ruby wasn’t unhappy that her mother’s attention was still on her soaps. She paused, took another deep breath and then quickly blurted out, “He said that I’m pregnant.” Then she slumped into a chair out of relief from finally revealing her secret.
Her mother slowly turned her head away from the television. Now glaring at Ruby with pursed lips, she scowled and then said in a scolding, angry tone, “You’re a stupid girl, Ruby. Do you even know who the father is?”
“Yes. It’s Jason.” That was all she managed to say. She thinks I’m a slut and sleeping around. She started to cry.
“I thought you were raised better than to be sleeping with every boy who looks in your direction. Have you no self-respect?” her mother hissed at her.
Mustering more courage between tears and sobbing, she raised her voice, speaking over her mother’s barrage of insults. “It’s not like that. We’re in love.” She attempted to convey more positive details, but her mother raised her voice and yelled louder than Ruby.
“Well, you can just kiss your entire life, hopes and dreams goodbye. You’re probably going to be on welfare at the rate you’re going.”
“Please, Mom, try to understand. I …”
“I do understand you have ruined your life, young lady. What about school?”
“I guess I’ll have to quit.” This realization had a bigger impact on Ruby than she ever thought. She hadn’t considered this obvious consequence. She loved school.
“What about your job?”
“They let me work part-time …”
“Without money, you can’t buy food and pay for rent.”
“I’m trying to tell you, they hired me part-time when school resumed in September. Maybe they’ll let me work full-time now.”
Ruby was getting frustrated with Sarah interrupting her each time she tried to speak. Her mom was not interested in listening to anything Ruby had to say.
“Mom, we’re in love.”
“Love?” her mother spat. “What do you know about love? I’ll tell you right now, you’ll either marry that guy or I’ll send you to a home for bad girls to have the baby. Then we’ll put it up for adoption. I don’t want any more babies around here. I’m done with shitty diapers.”
Ruby cried and blurted out, “It’s not like that. We want to be a family.” She had lost the battle of fighting back the tears that were waiting to flood down her face. Ruby tried very hard to control her emotions, but her hormones caused mood swings like she’d never experienced.
“Don’t you know that once these types of guys get into your pants, they don’t want you around anymore? I thought you were smarter. You turn out to be the dumbest of them all.” Her mother ranted on and on for what felt like hours.
Ruby couldn’t take it anymore. Being beaten up mentally by her own mother was hurtful. Ruby felt a total lack of support or compassion from Sarah. She ran up the two flights of stairs to her bedroom crying and shouting back at her angry mother, “It would’ve been nice if you offered me some support. The last thing I needed was to be verbally battered by you.”
She ran as fast as her young legs could carry her to her place of solitude. The place where she always found solace was her bedroom in the attic of their three-story house.
Normally Ruby would carefully remove the decorative hot pink pillows and the matching comforter with bunches of white roses growing all over it. Not today. She was blinded to her surroundings by the flood of tears that poured from her now-red-rimmed eyes. She slammed the door shut and flopped on top of her bed. Why does she always put me down? She makes me feel alone and unwanted. I could use some kindness right now. My whole world has come crashing down around me, and instead of comfort, she just puts me down more. What’s going to happen to me? She cried and cried until sleep rescued her from her misery.
Next morning, she lay in her bed half awake and remembered last evening’s angry response to her announcement. Feeling beaten and vulnerable, she snuggled under her warm cozy comforter. She purposely pulled the bedding even closer for both the physical and the emotional comfort she needed. Glancing at the windows, she saw that Jack Frost had been busy while she slept. She liked to imagine that the frosty markings on her windows represented artistic masters. Sometimes she visualized trees; other times, whole scenes with water and mountains and even flowers created by nature’s painter, Jack Frost.
The morning sun now peeked through the frosty windows, and the brightness brought her back to reality. She was pregnant, had raging hormones and was filled with fear of the unknown. She once again let the tears that had pooled in her eyes overflow and run out and down her temples, wetting her pretty pink pillowcase.
Ruby understood that her mom had issues, but that was not a good-enough excuse for Sarah’s hurtful behaviour the night before. Ruby had feelings too. Recalling the cause of last evening’s scolding, her hands moved to her tummy. A little bulge had already formed. One thing I know for sure—I will be a better mother.
Chapter 7
A Not So Merry Christmas
Several days before Christmas, Ruby telephoned Jason again to report on the conversation she’d had with her mother. “Hi, Jason. How are you?” She was unsure about how to start the discussion or what to say.
“I’m good. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“How did it go with your mother?” he asked, showing genuine concern.
“No different than I thought it would be. She yelled and called me terrible names until I couldn’t take it any longer. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.”
“Hey, I’m sorry your mom treated you that way. I really like you. We can get married if you want. My parents are okay with the prospect of a new daughter-in-law, because they’re quite fond of you already. My mother’s also pleased that we’re giving her a grandchild. You know these Italian mothers. They love children and big families.”
She wanted to scream, But I’m only 16! I have my whole life ahead of me. I had plans. Ruby’s mind was racing around in all directions. Married! This definitely does not fit into my plans.
“Jason,” she said, “I’m confused about everything that’s happening right now. I wanted to go back to school. Did I ever tell you that I’ve always wanted to be a nurse?”
“No.”
“I feel like I’m going through a lot these days.”
“Does this mean you don’t want to marry me or have our baby?”
“It’s more than that. It’s like I’m losing myself.”
“Ruby, you’re okay. You’ll be fine. Please believe me.”
“I know. Let’s talk more later when all these feelings settle.”
She couldn’t, nor did she want to, imagine what it would be like for her baby to be raised in a foster home. What if some really mean people adopted her child? What if the man was a pedophile? She’d rather live on welfare than not know her baby and its future. When she weighed her options, she had to agree that marriage might be better than a home for bad girls and adoption of her baby. She decided that her plans would just have to wait.
Chapter 8
Sharing Family Secrets
A few days later, Ruby and Debbie—dressed in their winter jackets, scarves, mitts and toques—met on Ruby’s front porch. One of their favour
ite places was the big old brown plush comfy sofa chair there. They wrapped themselves up in a blanket to protect them from the freezing cold, just as they had done so many times in the past. Then Ruby confided in her friend Debbie, “I told my mother about being pregnant. She was not happy. She yelled at me and called me horrible names. I went to bed just to get away from her.”
“Don’t worry,” said Debbie. “I think this is all so exciting. We can have a wedding shower for you and then a baby shower. I’m going to start planning right now. I’m so jealous.” Debbie, true to her romantic personality, was eager to do all the things she had witnessed in movies, TV and magazines.
“Deb, you know, I’ve mentioned to you before about being ‘the watcher,’ right?”
“Yeah. Your dad always seemed so nice.”
“I’ve always wanted to tell you the rest of the story,” Ruby said, as it was apparent that she was in a confessing mood. “I was passed over for his sexual interference, because his prey became the younger girls. I was too old for him. I looked it up in the dictionary. It said that he was in the category of being a preferential abuser. That means he was exclusively sexually attracted to children who had not begun puberty. You know, those who haven’t started their periods. Thank goodness I was spared.”
Debbie said, “I’ve never met a pedophile before; just knowing your dad is one is really creepy. He’s never approached me, you know. I would never let him touch me,” Debbie quickly added, just to keep the record straight.
“Deb, you’re too old for him.” They both had a good laugh that, at 16, they would be too old for anything.
“You know,” Ruby added, “it doesn’t help matters that my mother’s in denial. To my knowledge, she hasn’t ever confronted him. When I get married, someone else will need to take over as the watcher.” Ruby wanted to change to a different subject. Talking about her father made her angry. She found the subject even more depressing than being pregnant at 16.
Later that week, on a very cold snowy day, Ruby and Debbie once again dressed for the frigid January temperature and snuggled up in their favourite cozy chair on the gray-painted wooden front porch of Ruby’s three-story house. Ruby confided, “Deb, the family was so happy when Mom finally kicked my dad out the day after Christmas. When he came home from work, he found all of his clothes and belongings in boxes on the front porch.”