So when Lisette looked up at me from her spot on the floor, I put my head down and shuffled into bed.
“Alice,” she said, and I didn’t think I was ready to hear her judge me. I crawled into the blankets and turned away.
“Yeah?” I mumbled.
“Why didn’t you tell me you sang too?”
I snorted. “Look, I tried my best. I had fun.”
“What are you talking about? I just mean… did you take lessons, or…”
I flushed, just wanting to sink through the bed and disappear. That was the last time I was ever going to sing in front of Lisette. “No, if you can believe it, I’m completely untrained. I’ll stick to dancing.”
“You don’t like singing?”
Well, not if she was going to make fun of me for it. “I mean, it’s fun, but…” I cleared my throat. “It’s kind of embarrassing? You know.”
“You didn’t seem embarrassed.”
I rolled over to face her, where she was sitting on the floor so she was eye-level with me. “I didn’t think you were going to make fun of me about it.”
She blinked fast. “Make fun of… I’m not—” She shook her head. “Alice, I’m serious. You were amazing.”
My heart jumped as I dared for a second to believe it, before my realistic side stepped in. “Don’t tease me, I’m not good with that stuff. I’m sure you noticed with Seth I go off a little too easily.”
Lisette narrowed her eyes, just staring at me for a while before she said, “You really think I’m just trying to make fun of you?”
I fidgeted with my hair. “I… aren’t you?”
She flushed. “Of course not. I wouldn’t make fun of you, Alice. Besides, you were really… you were amazing. I mean it. Have you really never done it before?”
I swallowed, found myself looking away. “I… uh… I mean, I’ve spent a few years in the Academy of Car-Singing. Lady Gaga taught me well.”
Even without looking at her, I could feel she was staring at me. When I looked over at her, I saw her covering a laugh, her shoulders shaking.
“What?” I felt my face burn.
“That’s cute,” she said. “You’re really impressive. You can sing like that with no training, you’re good at dancing, and you’re an academic genius, too, aren’t you?”
I rubbed the back of my head. “Genius is a really strong word. Last semester put my self-confidence through the wringer.”
“And…” She looked down, and I swear she was blushing. “You’re wonderful with kids, too. It really made me happy to see you treat Rhys and Rose so well.”
I shrugged. “I see them every year, sometimes in the summer too. I like them. They’re good friends.”
And I totally went off talking to them about lesbianism right in front of the girl I have a planet-sized crush on. Rhys had given me and Lisette all these little looks after that, and I had this sneaking feeling she knew. I really wished I had self-control.
“Thanks for sticking up to Seth. For them, too.”
I laughed. “I totally lost it. But I don’t regret it. I want to do that kind of thing every time I see him.”
“I like the fact that you’re willing to act on your feelings like that. That you can stand up to people directly.” She lay back down on the floor, pulled the blankets around her, and shivered a little. “I can’t do that kind of thing. I’m so timid. I can never seem to face things directly.”
I looked up at the ceiling. “That might be a better approach than just getting worked up and yelling at everyone who gets in your way. Especially around a big family who disagrees with you about everything.”
“I… can get too emotional,” Lisette said, and I glanced at her. She was avoiding my gaze. Her? She seemed like the person with her shit together more than anyone. “If I end up getting emotional over something, I go too far and then keep going. I try… avoiding things or people or situations that make me feel too much, or I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“That sounds stifling. Don’t you ever feel trapped up by that?”
“I guess… but I think it’s worth it. The last time I had a meltdown like that, I ended up ruining a relationship that was…”
“Oh…” I sat up, looking down at her. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be talking about things like this.”
“We’re close,” I said without even realizing I was saying it. Were we? I’d known her again for a day and a half. But my mouth kept going. “We can share things like that if we want to.”
Lisette looked away without saying anything. It felt colder in the room, and I shuddered, just wishing she’d say something, but…
It was obvious she wasn’t. I’d probably gone too far. I fell back into bed. “Is it okay if I share something personal?” I said.
“Of course.”
“Seth’s kind of right about me. I haven’t been able to make friends recently. I have a… temper. And I drive a lot of people away.”
“Better to do that than lie about who you are to keep people around.”
“I like a lot of people well enough, but I usually end up scaring them away.” I laughed. “It’s been a while since I’ve had a relationship last longer than a month because I always scare them off.”
“I’m not afraid,” she said, and it took all the words out of me. What did that mean? Was that her volunteering to be my long-term relationship? I felt my brain fizzle out. “You’re just an honest person, and I appreciate that about you.”
“Honest,” I snorted. “Right. Not around this place I’m not. With all my family—I can’t even tell them what I’m studying.”
“Do you really think anything you’re doing is wrong?”
Having feelings for you. I didn’t tell her that.
Instead, I lay there, just thinking it over. I hadn’t actually stopped and asked myself that before.
“I should know when to chill out and let something slide,” I said at length.
“That’s not even a really bad thing. I think it’s good you’re willing to stand up for what’s important to you. You could always change if you wanted to, but I like you as you are.”
I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to say about that. I really couldn’t. I like you too, but not in the way you mean.
“Thanks, Lisette,” I mumbled. “I mean, I think you’re a wonderful person too. I’m really glad I got paired up with you. I don’t think there’s anyone I’d rather do it with.”
I was talking too much. I wanted to go hit my head on the wall.
Lisette shifted, propped herself up and looked at me, emerald eyes sparkling in the moonlight through the curtains. “Last dance. I’m looking forward to it. You and me.”
She blushed after she said it, looked away, curled up in her blankets, shivered on the floor. I couldn’t get the image out of my head.
I knew what she meant, but there was part of me that felt like she was actually asking me for the last dance at the ball. And god, if I didn’t want to be there, at the last moments of the ball, finishing under the mistletoe, looking up into her eyes… feeling her breath on my lips…
“Yeah,” I mumbled, turning away and hiding my face, which I could feel was a nice neon red, under the blankets. “You and me.”
∞∞∞
It was a cacophony moving through the little town, the closest thing to civilization around these parts. We all bundled up, coats and scarves and hats out as snow drifted down around us, thin sunlight filtering through the white sky. It was just the women—of course we susceptible bunch of good heterosexual women couldn’t risk being around men for a social outing, which in my case meant Lisette and I could go out without Seth getting on our case.
On the downside, Aunt Gina was on our backs the whole time. And Lisette’s mom was on her back, too, a woman who had the most intense scowl I’d ever seen.
It was a whirlwind herding everyone through the streets, and I hung to the back with Lisette walking next to
me. She wore that same crystal barrette she had on that first day, and when I say she looked good in a long coat and a scarf, I don’t think it conveyed just how good she did look. She was stunning, and I was weak. Our shoes crunched on the snow walking side-by-side along the sidewalk, leaving two trails of footsteps underneath all the strung-up white lights and storefronts with garlands and Christmas wreaths hung up.
She looked over at me and caught me staring, and I flushed. She laughed, reached over with her gloved hands, and pulled my hat down over my ears. “You okay, Rudolph?”
“I’m not big on cold weather,” I said. I wasn’t going to tell her the cold wasn’t the only reason my face was red.
“Winters really that mild in Pennsylvania?”
“Not that much more than here, but I usually just don’t leave the apartment until April.”
“When was the last time you made a snow angel?”
I laughed. “I don’t know, twelve years ago?”
She gave me the wickedest grin. “You have to understand I’m really tempted to push you over right now.”
“Hey!” Aunt Gina called back to us—we’d lagged behind. “C’mon, you couple of showstoppers. I know you want to be divas, but we’re going shopping!”
Lisette and I exchanged glances, and then a laugh. “You’re my favorite diva,” she said, hurrying ahead, leaving me trudging through the snow to catch up.
The mall was nowhere near warm enough, so even as Lisette and the others took their scarves off and unbuttoned their coats, I kept huddled up. Aunt Gina stopped us all by the directory and made an extensive plan, detailing where we’d all be and where we’d meet up, and sent us all off. Christmas shopping was something I hadn’t actually bothered with in a while—my family and I had ended up with a little truce where no one expected Christmas gifts from me and I didn’t expect them from anyone—but when everyone pulled away and left me and Lisette standing there by the directory, and when she smiled at me, I felt my heart flutter.
“So,” I said, “what do you want for Christmas, anyway?”
She shrugged. “A last dance.”
“I can give you that,” I said, my whole body on edge praying she wouldn’t get the implication. She laughed.
“I’ll hold you to it. What do you want for Christmas?”
I want you to know. Not even to be with her, or even just to tell her how I feel about her, but just to know that I was a lesbian. I just wanted her to know me. I shuddered. “I don’t know. I never really do gifts. Something that makes you think of me.”
She raised an eyebrow, looking me over. “Something that makes me think of you, huh?”
My heart hammered as she stared. Was that a weird thing to say? That sounded like a couple’s thing to say.
“Well, let’s get going, then,” she said, spinning on her heel. “First stop is some clothes. That’s always a go-to for a stylish woman.”
She had such a long stride I had to hurry to keep up with her. To my surprise, we passed the big department store and headed into a smaller boutique, packed so tightly with clothing racks we could barely fit in with the other Christmas shoppers. I ended up pressed so close into Lisette I could smell the lavender bodywash on her.
She drilled me on what kind of clothes I liked while she led me through the store, picking things up and holding them against me.
“Do you do purses?” Lisette said, picking up a bright red-and-white striped clasp purse and holding it up to me like she was matching a color palette. “This is pretty you.”
“How is that me? Am I a candy cane?”
She quirked a smile at me. “You’re sweet with just a little kick, and I only get to have you around Christmastime. Why not?”
I clamped my mouth shut, feeling myself flush bright red. “I, uh,” I started after a minute. “I could use a purse.”
She lit up. “Merry Christmas, then,” she said, pushing past me to the register. I had to put a hand on her shoulder to stop her, turning her towards me so close I had to crane my neck up to see her, close enough my heart dropped feeling like she was about to kiss me.
“W-wait,” I blurted. “I have to get you something, too.”
“I thought you didn’t do Christmas gifts.”
I flushed. “I want to get you something…”
She shrugged. “I have everything I could need. But if you see anything that makes you think of me…”
I swallowed, looking around the boutique. The problem was that I was thinking about Lisette nonstop, so it was hard to tell if anything made me think about her.
She bought me the purse, pulled me outside and pushed it into my hands. “Here. My first time giving you a gift, since I was too young to be entrusted with money last time.”
This woman was intent on killing me today. Did that mean she was looking forward to giving me more gifts? I took it gingerly, feeling my heartrate soaring. “Thank you, Lisette. I really like it a lot.”
“Well, it made me think of you, so it was an easy one.”
I looked down. “Hey, Lisette?”
“Yeah?”
“Uh… I know this is out of nowhere, but we’re going to keep in touch this time, right? After this whole thing is over. I mean, I like… spending time with you.”
I was still staring down, looking at the purse, fiddling with it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Lisette was quiet—She could have been cringing at me, for all I knew—it was such a simple little question but I felt like I’d overstepped my boundaries, and by a lot.
“I mean,” Lisette said after way too long a silence, “we have each other’s numbers now. You’re all the way down in Pennsylvania, but… you can always text me.”
Ugh. That was so dismissive. Such an obvious cover for a no way. I wanted to crumple up. Suddenly the purse was just mocking me. I wasn’t anything to her.
“That’s true!” I forced a smile, looking up at her. “I’ll be able to let you know how the English program is going. Hey, let’s go grab some lunch, I’m starving.”
“Oh, yes. Right. Lunch sounds good.”
Right. Lunch would be great. A time to just sit together with her and try to find words when I’d just realized she was waiting to get rid of me.
Chapter 8
Lisette
I completely blew things.
I didn’t even know what I’d been doing. I’d been hitting on her all day, even though I knew damn well she was straight. Even if her conversation with Rhys and Rose confirmed she was as good an ally as I’d thought, she had to be straight. And I’d just completely let myself go, just because it felt like a date… and she’d asked me if we were going to stay in touch.
I freaked out. I just completely freaked out. God, I’d wanted so badly to say yes, yes, but I knew exactly what I was trying to do. I couldn’t just get myself attached to her with the feelings I was having for her.
I gave her a non-answer, and even though she tried to put on a smile and walk with a bounce in her step to the food court, I could tell I’d hurt her. And of course I had! She just wanted to be my friend. When she’d told me she didn’t have a very easy time making friends and everything, and she went out of her way to connect with me, and not only was I longing for her, which was completely inappropriate, I was just dangling friendship out of her reach.
And just looking at the way she walked with that purse, the one she looked so cute with, I felt my stomach twist on itself in knots.
I wanted so badly to tell her I wanted to stay with her after all this. But the fact that I wanted it that badly was exactly why I had to stay away. Because if I tried to take things further than just this break with her, then I’d end up hurting both of us.
It was better to get it out of the way upfront. At least, that’s what I told myself.
I just followed her numbly to where she’d decided to eat, ordered the first thing that came to mind, and sat down with her to wait.
“So,” she said, beaming at me, but I’d spent enough time aro
und her facial expressions—she was, in a lot of ways, the same as she’d been ten years ago—enough to know she was forcing it. “Where do you want to go after this?”
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“I was thinking the jewelry store?”
I thought about standing there in a jewelry store with Alice, trying a necklace on her. Fighting her insistences not to buy it when I saw how much she loved it. Buying it for her, clasping it onto her, whispering merry Christmas to her when she threw her arms around me…
“Lisette?”
I snapped out of my reverie, blushing. “I—we could do that.”
“Perfect. It’s a date.”
Right. Because I needed to hear that. They called our number and I was more than eager to get up and get it, coming back to the table with soups and sandwiches, and to my relief, Alice changed the subject.
She brought up my studies—what it was like to do music production. And I’d intended on being curt, trying to cut off my own interest in her, but once I started talking, I kept going. Alice was such a good listener, too, with the way she leaned in, her eyes glowing like I was talking about the most interesting thing in the world and kept asking insightful questions. I got so into it my sandwich was cold before I finished it, and even once our soup bowls were empty, we stayed there talking for a long time. It was only once I heard the big clock in the main mall area chime that I realized how much time had passed, and I flushed, looking at my phone.
“We’ve been here forever,” I said, standing up. “We should get to the jewelry place now.”
“I guess I got carried away,” she laughed. “It’s just all so interesting. I can’t believe you just do stuff like that.”
I set our trays down on top of the trash can and headed back out into the mall, where the smell of fresh bread and hot soup faded into the smell of tinsel and sweet spice, where Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas was playing over the sounds of the crowds.
The Christmas Ball Page 5