by John Jakes
Fresh air indeed! The wind blew through the garden at near gale force. The heavens were an unrelieved panorama of gray, lit frequently by garish lightning. The storm would be a notable one when at last it broke.
I sat on a bench and chafed Aphrodisia's wrists, unaccountably touched by her bedraggled beauty. I certainly didn't plan to let her know how I felt, though! Affecting a stern expression, I began to tweak her cheeks.
"Come dear, let's stop this gasping and fainting. Wake up, that's a good girl—weighty matters of state await us!"
Her sparkling blue eyes flew open.
"Hoptor! Was that a devil I saw? Are we dead and already in hell?"
"Naturally not! Don't you recognize my garden?"
"But who—or what—?"
In my gentlest tone, I said, "Calm yourself, Aphrodisia, I am fully in control of the situation. There isn't time for me to explain everything. But here's a bit of it. That devil's no devil, but one of the Zorophim, inhabitants of a distant sphere, or 'planet,' as they call them. He may be alarming at first glance. But he's a perfectly polite, not to say civilized, fellow. Indeed, once you get over the fact that he's blue, you'll find he's a thoroughly fine chap. I have arranged a high level meeting between his king and Geriasticus X—never mind how, that would take an hour to tell. But with matters of statecraft on my mind, I must ask that you shift for yourself for a time—"
Unwise words! She flung her arms about my neck.
"I am abandoned in a dungeon, then freed for but an hour, and you tell me I must shift for myself. I will not, Hoptor. Not until I have received a definitive and long overdue answer as to when you plan to marry me. Blue persons—statecraft—I don't care a zeb for those! I demand to know, once and for all—"
"Oh, a pretty domestic scene!"
The sudden squeal galvanized me to attention, and caused Aphrodisia to—what else?—faint.
"Captain Num!" I cried, dumbfounded, even as he rushed into the garden. He was accompanied by half a dozen fully-armed soldiers.
I became aware of sounds of struggle within the house. I cursed myself roundly for neglecting to latch the front doors.
"I insist on knowing the meaning of this intrusion!"
"The meaning?" he jeered. "Why, it takes no seer to fathom that. You're under arrest."
"Arrest? You err! I have been granted the protection of Geriasticus X."
"I know nothing about that. I do know about the substantial reward for your apprehension. I plan to divide it with my dear little informant, there—"
I turned. And who did I see watching from atop the garden wall? Mimmo!
The depraved child had the nerve to say, "Sorry to turn you in, sir. But my sister needs an operation."
"Captain Num, you are making a calamitous mistake. You had better consult with your sweet—uh, the general, before you move against me. I have been appointed Official Liaison Officer—"
"Don't try to confuse me with your slick chatter, Hoptor. You have eluded punishment and embarrassed General Pytho once too often."
So saying, he brandished his sword and cried, "Attack!"
* Twelve *
Captain Num lunged forward. I leaped aside and stuck out my foot. He spilled heels over helmet. With his nose buried among my vines, he squealed for assistance.
But the half dozen soldiers were busy cringing at the sight of His Subservience, who had appeared in the doorway behind them. I, meantime, was attempting to conceal myself among the grapes.
Not in order to avoid conflict. No indeed, that is a false accusation! I wished to locate a weapon. That I was crawling toward the wall, rather than toward the door to my villa, was just a part of my plan to elude detection.
With Aphrodisia fainted, and Captain Num and I thrashing amidst the grapes, poor Mrf Qqt seemed at a loss about what to do. Two soldiers started toward him hesitantly. His Subservience was clever enough to deduce that, since the soldiers were pointing swords at him, they must be unfriendly. As his arms were longer than the military blades, it was a simple matter for him to reach out and tap the nearest man aside the helmet.
Exactly as Conax had done, the soldier collapsed, unconscious. The other would-be stabber retreated at once.
Mrf Qqt wore a quizzical expression, as if, being of mighty intellect, he could not comprehend such physical goings-on. For my part, I continued my strategic maneuver toward the wall.
A few drops of rain spattered my neck. The wind blew harder now, and thunder rumbled steadily.
"Look, you dunderheads!" cried Captain Num. "That fat pander is escaping—stop him!"
I was not in a frenzy of fear, as has been maintained. No, I had simply decided that it would be too difficult to gain the villa by circling the garden. I intended to reenter by the front door. And it was for this reason that I was attempting to scale the wall!
Ah, unhappy Hoptor, who permitted himself to become freighted with extra flesh! Though scaling the wall was not impossible when I was in a less heated state of mind, somehow, in the terror of this moment, I could not do it. On the third try, my fingers came within an ace of catching hold of the top. But I lost my grip and tumbled back into the grapes.
Behind, I heard the crash of boots damaging the vines. Twisting my head, I perceived Num leading two soldiers toward me rapidly. I hurled the nearest available weapon—a cluster of half-ripened grapes.
That failed to do much good. So there I was, pinned against the wall, with a trio of assassins rushing me full speed. It certainly looked like the end for Hoptor the Vintner! I once again regretted not being more religious.
This sudden attack of moralism proved unnecessary, however. Captain Num and the soldiers were checked at the last moment by an ululating war-cry from the far side of the garden.
Conax's forehead was bloodied. His pelt-cloak was rent in many places. Bits of my furniture clung to his hair and shoulders. But a sword glinted in his upraised hand!
His thews quivered at an unprecedented rate. He gripped his sword hilt with both hands, and, chanting vengeful appeals to Crok, advanced into the fray, hewing the air all about him.
"Berserker, berserker!" shrieked one soldier, instantly dropping his sword to flee.
Let me draw a partial veil across the next few moments. Tender sensibilities would reel at a description of the carnage.
Sufficient to say, once Conax the Chimerical got hold of a sword, our troubles were temporarily over.
Severed limbs threw through the air willy-nilly. Captain Num, that depraved dandy, was no match for a mighty barbarian. Soon Conax was tossing Num's head up and down like a ball.
"Care for a little trophy of the engagement, Hoptor?"
That proved a bit too grisly even for my blasé nature. I fainted.
Eventually, of course, I awoke; Conax assisted me by cuffing my face so hard I thought my head would fly off.
Temporarily sated, his entire person gore-bespattered, he was more pleasant than I had ever seen him. He even apologized gruffly, for he thought he had been stinging my cheeks with light blows.
"Light blows to you, perhaps. But enough to addle my brains for life. Try to remember I'm not one of the enemy."
"Easily done, since, in battle-born bloodlust, I dispatched every last one. Too bad there weren't more," he pouted, "I was just getting warmed up."
He poked his sword into a nearby corpse a few times. "Alas!" he sighed, "utterly defunct."
Before my gorge could rise further, I signed to Mrf Qqt.
"Quick, we must hide the evidence!"
With the aid of the captain from Zorop and a reluctant Conax, I performed the disagreeable task of removing the dead to the wine cellar, both portions of Captain Num included. I took a brace of large jars back upstairs with me, opening these for my guests.
I tried to remain indifferent to the damage done to my furnishings. In truth, it looked as if Conax had managed to wreck every last item of worth.
However, larger matters pressed.
I was concerned about little M
immo; he had disappeared during the fray. Would he report us to someone else? I had no way of telling.
I poured some wine down Aphrodisia's throat. When both she and Babylos had recovered, I begged their indulgence and, swiftly, explained the presence and origin of Mrf Qqt. I also touched on the circumstances leading to our return to my villa.
Naturally there were outpourings of disbelief and wonder. But being an essentially pleasant individual, Mrf Qqt soon calmed the worst of their apprehensions. I am happy to report that my revelations were of such a staggering nature that Aphrodisia quite forgot to mention more about marriage.
Rather, she inquired, "What becomes of us now?"
"As far as I can see," I said, "there is but one course open. This house is not safe, especially with that greedy Mimmo at large. We must remove ourselves to the palace immediately."
"Exactly what I wanted to hear!" exclaimed Conax. "The gory gobbets in the garden were mere morsels—red appetizers for a bloody banquet to come—"
And, throwing his head back, he began to bark.
"Will you calm yourself?" I cried. "There'll be no more battles today!"
"What? We're not going to storm the corruption-wracked walls of that palace of perdition?"
"We certainly are not. We are going to enter peaceably, by the main gate, and immediately place ourselves under the protection of Geriasticus X."
Mrf Qqt said, "That would seem a prudent course. Has not the lord of your Island Kingdom agreed to the terms offered by you, as Official Liaison Officer?"
"He has."
"Thus, in order to arrange a congress between my rulers and yours, we must speak with the king Geriasticus in person. Let us away at once!"
"Marvel of marvels!" crooned Babylos. "It will be a congress of universal historical importance! And I shall be privileged to write the official account!"
"Don't be too sure," Aphrodisia countered. "Are you positive we can trust that old fool, Hoptor?"
"Geriasticus? Did he not fling open your prison cell? Did he not grant my demands in full?"
"Yes, I suppose he did, but—"
"Don't plague me with quibbles, Aphrodisia. The longer we wait to throw ourselves on his mercy, the longer we risk the less tender mercies of his underlings."
She fully understood my reference to Pytho, and this stilled her opposition.
Since my splendid house was virtually a total shambles, I saw no need to lock it up. I secured a clean cloak for myself, and one for Aphrodisia. After making certain I had the little tablet bearing the seal of Geriasticus, we set out for the palace with all speed.
Conax had refused the offer of a spare garment, preferring to let the raindrops wash the gore from his thews. He marched along humming a martial air; I had never seen him in such a jolly temper.
The day had grown dark as midnight. Only ragged patches of white sky showed between swift-flying black clouds. Of a sudden, Babylos pointed upward. We saw a formation of light discs on the wing.
"Merely a portion of our fleet on patrol," His Subservience assured us. When I inquired about the exact size of the armada of exploration, he informed me that it numbered "eighty-many whonkles." Satisfied that the craft were numerous, I let it go at that.
Unfortunately the rest of the populace, not being on intimate terms with the Zorophim, still took a dim view of the flying lights, as we discovered crossing an avenue not far from the palace.
"Look, Hoptor," Aphrodisia said. "Is that a parade down there in the next block?"
I studied the crowd, including the clubs and firebrands.
"No, I believe it's a civil disorder. The citizens are doubtless engaged in rioting and looting because they've become convinced there's no tomorrow. Our presence at the palace will help change that situation!"
Propelled by these new civic considerations, we rushed onward. We saw two similar outbreaks in progress before we reached the main gate of the palace.
I presented myself at the guard booth and flourished the king's tablet.
"We wish immediate audience with His Exaltedness. And he with us. Here, you'll note his message as proof of what I say."
The dolt peered at the tablet. "Can't read a word of it. I was forced to quit barracks school when I failed the examination on siege engine operation."
"Come, come, I don't want to hear your personal history. Surely you recognize your ruler's seal!"
"Yes, I recognize that much. However," he added, strangely glum, "if you wish an audience with His Exaltedness, now you'll have to ascend to the sacred skies. Or perhaps descend to the sizzling fires, if one can believe the stories about him."
"What kind of nonsense are you speaking, man?"
He pointed across the courtyard fronting the main wing of the palace. I perceived figures marching through a colonnade.
Tapers glowed. Mallets thumped a slow beat on drumheads.
"A festival day? I don't recall—"
"Listen more closely," Aphrodisia whispered. "There is wailing—lamentation—"
I peered through the drizzle as the procession began to cross the court toward the temple. Gods! Priests swinging censers led the way. And those who followed all wore black.
Then I spied Swinnia, and Lady Voluptua, both tearing their garments and their hair.
Eight eunuchs appeared from the colonnade, bearing an ornate bier on their shoulders. Other eunuchs shielded the bier with a canopy on poles. On the bier reposed a figure swathed to its chin in robes of state. There was no mistaking the flash of ivory between the stiff jaws.
"His Exaltedness is deceased?" I gasped.
"Yes," said the man on guard. "A sudden attack of the flux. Happily, he was not alone when it happened. General Pytho was at his side, discussing matters of state. Before His Exaltedness winged his way to heaven—or wherever it is he went—he laid his hand on the general's shoulder. He named him heir to the kingdom."
"But how do you know that?" Aphrodisia exclaimed.
"General Pytho informed the palace at a special formation soon after the unhappy moment. Oh, you should have seen the general's tears."
Tears of joy, I wagered! At long last, Pytho's lustful ambitions had borne fruit.
"While the general wept," the soldier continued, "he assured us there would be continuity of rule. Following the memorial service in the temple"— a gesture toward the procession —"the high priests will administer the oath of office. So if you wish an audience with His Exaltedness, Pytho I, you'll probably have to wait awhile in his chambers."
Aphrodisia sensed the potential peril.
"Perhaps we shouldn't risk it, Hoptor—"
I was busy pondering the alternatives. The new king was certainly no friend—especially now that Conax had dispatched his paramour! But Pytho needn't know that. I for one did not intend to play the blabbermouth!
Further, we still had a certain bargaining power. Though a vile villain, Pytho was no fool. Like Geriasticus X, he would—I hoped!—see the wisdom of using the Zorophim to explain the many recent bad omens. Thus he might still the public's fear, which was even now being manifested in the riotous sprees we'd witnessed.
I did not like the route which lay ahead. But I liked its alternatives even less.
Accordingly, I informed the soldier that we would await Pytho I in his chambers.
"Very well, pass on."
"Thank you."
"Don't mention—say, aren't you the vintner called Hoptor? I thought there was something familiar about you."
"Why do you wish to know?"
He commented that there were several warrants extant for my apprehension and arrest.
"Well, His Exaltedness Pytho I will soon set those aside!" I replied. "If that were not the case, do you imagine I would show up here in person?"
That confounded him utterly, giving us time to hurry ahead through the rain.
"I didn't know Geriasticus had caught the flux," Aphrodisia commented.
"Are you serious? I expect he caught it, to use your term, from poison
ed wine or a knife wielded in stealth. Pytho was alone with him when he expired, remember."
We swung to the left, around the courtyard wall, wishing to avoid the last of the funeral procession. But we encountered some difficulty reaching General Pytho's quarters—the temporary throne room, as those quarters were now identified!
Stopped by several officious military officers, I played my high card and identified myself. They immediately attempted to arrest me. I foiled them by announcing that I had arrested myself! I had come voluntarily, with my followers, to await the pleasure of the new king of Atlantis.
What could they possibly say?
Pytho's chambers were drafty and squalid. I observed much dirty linen, numerous empty wineskins, and small pots of cosmetics suspiciously like those worn by the late captain.
Aphrodisia expressed concern about my status, now that I had arrested myself. I assured her it was but a clever, meaningless legalism. Conax wondered how meaningless, calling my attention to the fact that squads of soldiers jammed the outer corridor.
On my advice, the barbarian had surrendered his sword to the officers. Now he began to complain that his good mood had made him act rashly.
Of all our party, Mrf Qqt was by far the most composed. He seated himself on a cushion, his cowl thrown back, the silver disc gleaming on his forehead. If all my acquaintances trusted me as completely, I thought, how pleasant and unruffled my existence would be!
Some while later—it was impossible to tell how advanced the day had become, due to the rainy darkness—an impressive tootle of pipes announced Pytho.
He marched into the room still wearing his armor. It glistened with rain, as did his hair, on which reposed the new imperial circlet. He wore ribands of black around his right and left arms, right and left kneecaps, throat and forehead — that was overdoing public grief a bit, I thought!
I had previously instructed Mrf Qqt on the necessity for abasement. He performed it awkwardly, just behind me. Pytho seated himself in a cross-legged chair. His scarred face appeared relaxed, even genial. Once I caught a whiff of his breath, I knew why.
"Well, well, Hoptor the Vintner. Self-arrested! This has been a day of wonders. We gather this peculiar blue person is one of the marvelous beings about whom you communicated with our late monarch?"