The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  Incredibly tender, I'm sure my leg didn't appreciate all the poking and prodding as I felt around for the break. After several painful seconds, I found it. Roughly three inches below my knee. This wasn't going to be fun.

  Knowing I had little time to spare, I dragged myself away from the bank of the river up towards the tree line. Once I reached a tree, I pulled myself up with an audible effort and leaned against it panting.

  Snapping off the end of one of the lower branches, I stuck it between my teeth. This was going to suck. I braced my broken leg against the stiff tree trunk, took a deep breath, and pushed hard with my arms.

  I screamed through gritted teeth and the stick as I felt the bone in my leg slide back into place.

  I wanted to fall over but knew if I did, it would probably knock the bone out of place again. Using all of my willpower, I fought to ignore the pain and began casting cure on myself. The four point eight seconds took forever to pass, and finally, blessedly, I unleashed it upon myself.

  Thankfully no one else was around to hear what could easily be mistaken as the moans of a man orgasming escape my mouth. Exhausted, I fell over sideways, landing on the ground not caring how I looked. In that moment, I only cared that the throbbing pain was gone.

  Your status effect: Bleeding has been removed.

  Your status effect: Broken Leg (Left) has been removed.

  Fuck me, that's nice. Nothing like having a whole healthy body. Well, not completely healthy, but close, I thought, a small smile spreading across my face. I sat there casting cure twice more to bring my health up to full before standing up.

  Gingerly, I put weight on my previously broken leg, and it handled nicely. Living in a virtual world with magical powers definitely had its advantages. Now that I knew I could handle the journey, I figured I'd better get a move on and find Elaria and Tits. Elaria, in particular, probably wasn't in the best condition. Who knows how much damage the river caused them.

  Opening up my map, I checked to see if I could locate any of my party's icons. No luck. It was wishful thinking on my part, but I had to try. Next, I opened up the party window to check on their statuses. All were online and active which meant they were probably alive.

  Ryland: Where are you all at? Elaria, did you survive?

  Eldertits: New phone, who dis?

  Ryland: God damn it, Tits! I just fixed a broken leg on my own, and I'm trying to see if our ranger survived.

  Elaria: She survived.

  Eldertits: Ha Ryland, you have to see this! Head south along the river, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

  Elaria: ...

  Rondo: Is that bear gone?

  Eldertits: Nice of you to check in Rondo. That bear almost killed me no thanks to you.

  Rondo: Better you than me. I didn't sign up to get eaten by no wild animal.

  Ryland: Yeah, the bear wandered off from the river in the direction you ran in, but who knows where it's at now? Are Turin and Viltria with you?

  Rondo: Yeah, they're with me. We'll carefully double back towards the river and follow it downstream. Though, if that bear shows up again, we're running like hell.

  Ryland: Alright, we'll see you downstream.

  Following the shoreline, I headed downstream away from where we battled the bear, by which, I mean we got our asses kicked. Again. Hopefully, this wouldn't become a habit.

  With nightfall nearly upon us, I hoped it wouldn't take too long for me to locate Elaria and Eldertits. Experience taught me how terrifying these woods became after dark. The last thing I wanted was to have to battle giant spiders after getting beat up by a bear.

  Luckily, the two of them were only about a half mile down river, and I caught up with them in no time. They already made camp and were lounging by the fire while they waited. Eldertits laughed at the other elf who sat next to, what looked like, a large black rat.

  No, did she? She couldn't have made a rat as her animal companion? Could she?

  "Elaria," I called out as I approached. "Is that a rat next to you?"

  Tits apparently found this hilarious, because she burst into laughter and fell backward.

  "If you must know," Elaria said through gritted teeth, "it's a river otter, not a rat."

  "Pretty sure I've heard them called river rats before," Eldertits quipped, still laughing.

  "He's not a rat and doesn't appreciate being called one," Elaria shot back defensively.

  "It's a he?" I asked, sitting down across the fire from them.

  "Yes, it's a he, and he tells me his name is Minty," Elaria said, reaching down and scratching the back of its neck.

  "What the hell kind of name is that?" Eldertits cackled.

  The otter lifted its face, which was extremely cute, and began this high-pitched whine.

  That must have been its way of speaking, because a moment later, Elaria said, "He says the other otters gave it to him after he accidentally got a mouth full of mint while trying to catch a fish. He says his breath smelled terrible for a whole week afterward."

  "Oh my god, Minty, if you aren't just the most otterly adorable little thing I've ever seen," Eldertits said, wrapping her arms around the creature and hugging it. "I know I wanted a dog, but he's going to be the perfect little pet. Yes, he is. Who's cute and adorable? You are."

  Scowling, Elaria said, "He's not cute, he's a fierce fighter."

  "If that's the lie you want to tell yourself so you can sleep tonight, sure," Eldertits said, petting the creature who seemed to love the attention.

  "So, is he your animal companion?" I said, asking the obvious question.

  Elaria sighed and said, "Yes, and before you ask, he found me when I got caught on a tree in the river, and he decided to help me. He accepted me before I even knew what happened, and now," she gestured at the creature, "I'm stuck with him."

  "Well, he seems nice, Elaria," I said, thinking about the difference between it and the bear. At least I wouldn't have to worry about this thing eating me in my sleep.

  "Yeah," Elaria responded wistfully. "I kind of hate and love the little bastard. Anyway, thanks for your help and going with me on this stupid detour."

  Congratulations. You have completed the quest A Ranger's Companion! Elaria has found her companion, and they are now bonded forever, even if she isn't happy about it. You have earned 500 XP and 200 reputation with Elaria.

  Congratulations you have reached Level 16!

  HP: 153 → 162

  MP: 221 → 234

  You have 4 unallocated stat points.

  You have 6 unallocated skill points.

  Chapter Four: Altria

  I woke up the next morning a little sore but felt much better than I expected. My leg felt as good as new and had none of the hangover effects I expected. Not only that, with my health fully healed, I felt young and strong. Damn, it's good to be an immortal sorcerer.

  I cast cure a few more times last night healing both Elaria and Eldertits. I felt a lot more useful to the group with this ability. It basically made me the designated doctor. With one wave of his hand, Ryland will make all your problems go away. Well, except herpes, that shit will stay with you forever.

  About thirty minutes after I found the camp, Rondo, Turin, and Viltria strolled in. Other than looking tired, they all appeared perfectly fine, and a whole new round of laughter and coddling over our newest addition began.

  Minty spent the night curled up on Elaria where he seemed perfectly happy to use her chest as a pillow. If anyone else tried that, she'd have murdered them but being an otter let you get away with things that people couldn't.

  After carefully keeping the fire going all night, once the sun came up, we finally allowed the fire to die out. Actually, we could have just let Eldertits tend to it by herself, because after we told her the story about the nightstalkers, she consistently added more wood to it every half an hour or so.

  "If we follow this river, it's about a six hour walk to Altria," Elaria said as we packed up camp.

  "Well, let's get a mo
ve on then," Viltria responded. "The sooner we're out of the woods the better. No offense."

  "Here, you can take that hood off now," Eldertits said, holding out her hand for the cloak. "We're far enough away from Ilthielthiel that you don't have to keep wearing it."

  "Another small blessing," Viltria said, pulling off the cloak and handing it to Tits. "This day is already going better than expected."

  Her onyx skin materialized as soon as she took it off, contrasting wonderfully next to the pale skin of Eldertits. I almost forgot how dark she truly was as she had been wearing the cloak nonstop since we got to Ilthielthiel.

  "And Rondo, don't think I forgot how you left this innocent girl to her terrible fate," Eldertits shot over at Rondo as he walked past her to join Elaria.

  "Shit lady," Rondo responded, "you're the least innocent thing in this world. I'm pretty sure that orcs wouldn't let their children near you."

  Elaria laughed. "That is the funniest thing I've heard in awhile."

  Minty started squealing in response to this. It sounded like high pitched laughter and made Elaria laugh harder. I'm not sure if it was because it sounded like the otter was laughing at Tits or because of something he said.

  "Orcs wouldn't let me near their kids because they'd be too busy ravishing this body," Eldertits shot back.

  "That's disgusting," Rondo said. "Why would you even want to be touched by one of those hideous things?"

  "Now that's just racist, Rondo," Tits exclaimed in mock outrage. "I know you've never experienced discrimination, but for many poor orcs it's all too real, and besides, everyone knows out of all the humanoid races, they have the biggest dicks. Another thing your people wouldn't know anything about."

  Rondo tilted his head like he was about to respond but then, with a slight smile, shook his head and walked away following after Elaria. Eldertits and the rest of us walked after them as we followed the winding river downstream and out of Irune.

  As Elaria predicted, the walk through the forest took roughly six hours, after which we broke the tree line and ended up in a field of wheat. We walked through the shallower part of the river here as it was much easier to navigate than the farm fields. Luckily, much of the current abated since we left our campsite, and it now flowed slowly enough to not be a problem for us.

  Altria, or at least this part, was flat and judging by the fields, fertile. Honestly, for me, this was a welcome change from the wild forest of Irune, the rolling hills of the Deadlands, or the unending caves leading down to Maleuhur that I experienced so far.

  The farmlands almost made it feel like the Midwest, making me strangely homesick. Although a bit strange to feel this way since Duluth wasn't really a farming community, I'd driven through a lot of the country during my life.

  "Minty, come here boy," Eldertits called as the otter played up ahead.

  "He's not a dog, Tits," Elaria yelled over her shoulder at the other elf.

  "But he's such a good boy. Yes, he is," Eldertits said in her best baby voice as the otter swam up to her.

  She rubbed its belly and splashed playfully, causing it to splash back. Tits giggled, and the otter squealed gleefully causing Viltria to roll her eyes. Clearly she wasn't big on cute animals.

  Looking up towards Elaria, I noticed a human standing near the river staring at us. He shouted something that I couldn't hear and ran off down the river towards a town.

  Ahead was what, I assumed to be, a mill because of the large wooden wheel slowly turning in the current. Next to that were several more buildings, but from where I stood, none gave any indication of how they were used.

  As we approached this mill, a group of armed guards came out and surrounded the river on all sides. Spears pointed at our party, it was clear we were not going to leave without a fight.

  "Halt, stop invaders," one of the guards called out.

  "Sir, it's just as Madison said. The forest elves have decided to attack us."

  "Shut your mouth Mackey," the first guard barked at the one called Mackey. "Now then, you lot, approach slowly and put your hands in the air."

  Raising my hands into the air, I said, "We're not invaders, we're just travelers. I'll admit we come from Ilthielthiel, but we have no plans to attack you."

  "Yeah, and besides, you couldn't handle these," Eldertits said with a characteristic jiggle of her breasts.

  "I'll be the one to decide that," their leader barked back.

  "That we're not invaders or that you can't handle these?" Eldertits asked winking at him.

  The leader coughed and scowled before saying, "Your seductions won't work on me, elf. I know how your kind is, always charming others with your sexual wiles."

  "Sir, look at that black one. She's practically begging for it with how little she's wearing," Mackey said. "Want me to give her the ol' pat down just to make sure she's not concealing anything?"

  "Damn it, Mackey," the leader said, turning to the other man. "Keep your cock in your pants. These elves and their human servants are not to be trusted. Everyone knows that all legitimate travelers from the north have to come through Visdirect at the edge of Irune."

  "Sir, I can assure you we are travelers. We just got a little lost in the woods and ended up coming out here and not at Visdirect," I said, hoping my persuasion skill would start working soon.

  "There is no way that you got lost in Irune with an elven ranger in your party. You prove yourself false with your lies," the leader said.

  "Well, it was more like attacked by a bear -"

  I was cut off by the leader shouting, "Seize them, and seize that water rat too."

  "He's an otter, not a rat," Elaria retorted defensively.

  "What the fuck's an otter?" The leader asked as the guards pushed forward and splashed down around us.

  "I think it's like a water weasel, sir," Mackey responded.

  "Damn it, Mackey, that was rhetorical. I don't care," the leader yelled. "If your mother wasn't my sister and my wife, I'd have put you down a long time ago."

  Hands grabbed us and forcefully pushed and pulled us out of the river. We were marched up the bank and into the town proper, which as it turns out, wasn't a whole lot more than what I could see from the river.

  "You, elves, just ruined my day, you know that?" the leader muttered. "Now I'm going to have to drive your asses all the way to Istria, and that's going to take all day."

  "Or you could just free us, because we're harmless travelers," I suggested.

  "Shut it you traitor. I can't believe you'd betray your own kind just to suckle on a few elven teets," he shot back. "Thinking with nothing but your cock, like that idiot Mackey. Just between you and me, I once caught him groping the utter of a cow."

  "That seems unusual," I responded cautiously, unsure of how to respond to this revelation.

  He sighed and said, "My sister didn't discipline him as a baby, was into this new age love shit. She should have just shaken him like my pappy did to me. You've got to be stern with them from a young age you see."

  "Uh huh," I responded, thinking this man might have gotten some mental damage from that. "I don't suppose that if I offered to try and heal Mackey, you'd let us go?"

  "Not a chance in hell," he replied to me. "Besides, no amount of healing in the world could help that boy. Now let's go to the wagon."

  We were led to the saddest, most rudimentary prisoners' wagon I'd wager existed, though I couldn't be sure as I'd only seen a couple before. Several wooden planks formed the base of the wagon with several rusty iron bars going up and sticking into another set of planks on the roof. Both bars and planks were missing in places, but the man in charge didn't seem to care.

  The six of us and Minty were pushed inside and forced to sit on the dilapidated boards, which I prayed didn't give way while the wagon was in motion. That would not be the best way to die.

  "Pretty sure I could break us out of here in about a second," Eldertits said. "And I don't think the guards will pose much of a fight really."

  "Don'
t," I said harsher than I meant to. "I really don't want to become an outlaw in this country, too. If we go with this man and talk to whoever is in charge, I'm sure we can clear up this whole misunderstanding."

  "Or I could bust us out of here, we could kill the guards, ransack the town, savage the womenfolk, and then be on our way," Eldertits replied.

  "Tits," I snapped harshly.

  "Okay, obviously we wouldn't savage the womenfolk. I'm not a monster," the elf said, grinning and holding up her hands.

  "We're not going to do any of that," I replied. "If we start killing innocent people for no reason they'll send more and better guards after us. Then where will we go?"

  "God, I don't know. There's only, like, a hundred other countries in this world," Eldertits responded sarcastically as the wagon began moving behind the most miserable looking donkey.

  "Really, this world is that big?" I asked surprised.

  "Yeah, it's that big, and from what I understood before we came here, it's always getting bigger."

  Interesting information. Maybe we could just keep running from country to country this whole time. No, I didn't want to do that. That would be exhausting. I wanted a little bit of stability in my life here, and I haven't had any yet.

  "Well, let's try it my way. If it doesn't work out, we can always try your way," I said, trying my best to persuade the crazy woman.

  "Fine, but I'm getting bored already," Eldertits said, leaning back against the bars. "Pass me Minty, I want to play with him."

  "He is not a toy to be passed around," Elaria said, stroking the back of the otter's neck.

  Out of everyone, Minty looked to be the most content as he lay on his belly getting his neck rubbed by Elaria. He clearly didn't have any issues riding in this rickety wagon, though the same couldn't be said for the others who looked less than pleased with the situation.

  The journey to Istria was long and uncomfortable. More than once I thought about breaking out. I didn't, and neither did anyone else, but I don't think we would have lasted another hour.