The Phoenix of Altria

by David M Zahn

  "That's a shame," Colton said, "I always hate it when women feel like they need to hide themselves away because of men. "I will have Thomas run her reward over to the inn where you are all staying if that works for her."

  "I think she'll be fine with that," I said.

  "Excellent. Well, thank you all for dealing with this matter," Colton said.

  "Not a problem at all," I replied. "If you ever need help, you know who to call on."

  "That I do," Colton said, and then leaning forward, added conspiratorially, "You all might want to get a bath, because I could smell the stink of goblin on you before you even entered my house."

  Chapter Nine: Ilethday

  Doing as the mayor suggested, we ordered baths when we returned to the Rose and Thorn. The irritable innkeeper looked less than pleased, but when we offered her a couple of gold pieces, she acquiesced.

  While we waited for her to fill up some tubs, Elaria began to brag about how much Minty leveled up and the new abilities he gained. Apparently, the little otter went from level four all the way up to level thirteen.

  His bite and his claws were now stronger, and he gained two new abilities. The first was called Deafening Squeak, which could temporarily stun anyone who heard it. The other ability was called Giant of the River. This ability apparently allowed Minty, once per day for five minutes, to grow in size. Both his offensive and defensive capabilities increased while in this form, but he sacrificed speed and agility.

  "Wow Elaria, that's awesome," Rondo said. "And congratulations to you too, Minty."

  The otter, who was sound asleep on Elaria's lap, didn't respond, but Elaria smiled and thanked him.

  "See, he is becoming -" Elaria started before Tits cut in with, "the world's most powerful rodent? The world's cutest pervert? Tonight's unlikely dinner?"

  Glaring at the other woman and petting Minty protectively, Elaria said, "much stronger, and soon he will be a force to be reckoned with, you'll see."

  "How are you two doing?" I asked, turning to Iasz and Graard, ignoring the two elves.

  The nose stared at me for a moment and then said, "We are fine. The innkeeper has been most accommodating to us."

  His tone gave the impression that she had been anything but accommodating to them.

  "So, you've been set up with a room?" I asked, wanting to make sure the woman had actually done that.

  "Yes, she was kind enough to grant the room on the third floor furthest away from the stairs for our privacy," Iasz said sarcastically.

  "If it makes you feel any better," Eldertits jumped in, "she doesn't like Rondo either, because he's black."

  Rondo sighed and said, "I don't think she likes anyone much. She doesn't treat the other patrons much better.

  "Your baths are ready," a loud female voice said from behind us, causing Rondo to jump a little in his chair.

  "Oh thanks," I said quickly.

  "If you two will follow me," she indicated to Eldertits and myself, "I will show you to your bath. I'll be back for the other couple in a moment."

  "Bath?" I said arching one eyebrow.

  "You two are staying together are you not?" she asked annoyed.

  "Well, yes -" I started. Before I could continue, she cut me off with, "then you will bathe together, yes?"

  "Oh yes," Eldertits responded enthusiastically with a wicked grin. "We share everything."

  I glared at Tits, but the innkeeper gave me no chance to voice any more reservations as she marched ahead. Reluctantly, I followed her out of the common room and down the hall into a simple room with a stone floor sloping slightly to a small drain in one corner. In the middle of the room was a circular wooden tub that honestly looked more like a cheap swimming pool than a bathtub. A simple table next to it held soap and other cleaning necessities.

  Much to my relief, inside of this tub soapy bubbles were coming up to the brim, and I couldn't see below the surface.

  "Towels are hanging on the wall to the left," the innkeeper said gesturing. "Please leave them in the room when you're done."

  With that said, she turned around and walked out of the room, presumably returning to take Elaria and Rondo to their bath.

  "We should take turns. You can go first, and I'll wait outside," I said to Tits.

  "No, you go ahead and go first. I can wait," Eldertits said smiling at me.

  "Are you sure?" I asked.

  "Yeah, I'll just wait out in the hall," Eldertits said, walking to the door opening it.

  She exited the room and half closed the door before I started to unequip my clothing and equipment. Once I was naked, I climbed into the tub and felt the lukewarm water wash over my body. It wasn't as hot as I would have liked it, but after everything that had happened today, this was exactly what I needed.

  I leaned my head back and sighed in pleasure. They really should have made it easier to relax in this world since it was going to be a "retirement community." Still, a lot of this world was a big improvement over the real world. I practically burned alive today, and not only was my skin fine now, but my hair completely grew back as soon as it was healed. That was amazing.

  What are we going to do about these disappearances? We're no closer to solving that mystery than when we first got to Roselake. Though, I suppose we've eliminated one possibility.

  Suddenly I felt the water push up against my exposed chest, and I opened my eyes. Standing in front of me, not even waist deep was an entirely naked Eldertits. She looked extremely pleased with herself as she bent forward and winked at me. Her large and perfectly perky breasts bounced slightly as she did this.

  "For fuck sake, Tits," I yelped. "Your tits are right in my face."

  "That's kind of the idea, dumbass," she replied.

  "I thought you were letting me go first," I snapped. Irritated and visibly embarrassed, I turned to face away from her.

  "I only said that because I knew it would get you naked," she said mischievously. "Don't you want to have some innocent fun?"

  "I wouldn't call it innocent," I muttered. "And nothing against you, Tits, but I'm just not really up for that sort of thing right now."

  "What's the matter, Ryland?" she asked easing herself down into the tub. "Don't tell me that bout of herpes gave you ED?"

  "It wasn't herpes, and I don't have ED. Well, at least I don't think I have ED," I responded defensively. "I just haven't had sex in over twenty years, and I can't just do it casually like this. Do you even have feelings for me?"

  Eldertits looked at me and laughed, which made my face burn a little brighter.

  "Of course not," Tits said, finally calming herself enough to speak. "Love is an artificial concept, just like marriage, and monogamy. Why shouldn't we enjoy the pleasures that nature has provided in this world?"

  "Technically nature hasn't provided shit in this world," I responded. "All of it, us included, is made up of digital constructs."

  "Pah, you know what I mean," Eldertits said sighing. "Now come on, let's have some fun. I'll even let you stick it in my ass if that helps."

  I froze up and sputtered, "w-w-what? I-I'm good."

  "If you're worried about it fitting, I can assure you that I had Iasz's nose halfway up it earlier, and there is no way you're as big as that thing," Eldertits said with a small laugh.

  An image of a green alien-looking penis and Iasz's nose plowing her shot through my mind. Gah, I'm not going to be able to forget that anytime soon.

  "Oh yeah, bringing up how you had a bunch of diseased goblins rail you is really going to talk me into this," I said sarcastically.

  "Not a bunch, just one," Tits responded calmly. "Well, and half a nose."

  "Were you really attracted to Ezz?" I asked curious, "Because even if I was into men, I think that would have been disgusting."

  "Nah, he's ugly as shit," Eldertits said, picking up the soap and beginning to wash, "but I will say that he's a very vigorous lover and pretty fun."

  "Is it like your goal or something to fuck everyone in Alderoth?"
I asked, holding out my hand to request the soap.

  "Well, just one of every race," Eldertits replied handing the soap over to me. "Gotta fuck em' all."

  "Seriously?" I asked incredulously. "You're like checking them off of a list?"

  I began rubbing soap vigorously into my hair and upper body while she said, "Yeah. So far, I've checked off elves, humans, dwarves, and goblins, but there are so many more races to experience."

  "That's just fucked up," I said, standing up and washing my lower body.

  "Is that just a bunch of soap, or are you just happy to see me?" Eldertits asked staring at my groin where I piled up a bunch of suds before standing up. "And I'm pretty sure that plenty of people did it with our races back on earth, too."

  "It's just soap," I said flatly before chucking the soap back to her and sitting back down into the tub.

  "So, you really aren't going to have your way with me tonight?" Eldertits said, pretending to pout.

  Spending enough time around her I could tell when she was faking it at this point, though she didn't really make it too difficult.

  "It's a firm no," I declared. "Besides, I'm like three times your age anyway."

  "Guess that makes you a GILF," she replied.

  "What is a GILF?" I asked and added quickly, "No, wait, don't answer that."

  "Ah well, I guess I'll let you off this time, but you should know you actually looked pretty badass today," she said, pausing before she added, "for once."

  "Thanks. I can't believe that worked," I said. "It hurt like hell, I'll tell you that, even with my resistance to burn damage."

  "Oh. Fire. Hot.," Eldertits said, pretending to act like a caveman or woman in her case. "No touch. Dangerous."

  "Shut up," I said, splashing some water at her. "It seriously felt like I was a witch being burned at the stake."

  "You couldn't have been a witch. You're not nearly cute enough," she replied.

  "Whatever. I'm getting out," I said standing up.

  "Can you grab my towel, too?" she asked, staring at me and making me a bit self-conscious.

  "Sure," I replied, climbing out of the tub and crossing the room to where the towels were hung.

  I dried myself off quickly and then grabbed her towel and walked it back to her. She took it and climbed out of the tub, making sure to give me the full view of her for as long as possible. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes as she began to pat herself down.

  Leaving the bathroom, we both found Rondo standing in the hall outside of a door further down the hall, evidently waiting his turn.

  When he arched an eyebrow at the two of us, Eldertits slapped me on the ass and said proudly, "Banged the shit out of this."

  "Yes," I said sarcastically, "she banged the shit out of this."

  "Congratulations?" Rondo responded looking slightly amused. "Should I find the town crier and have him make an announcement?"

  "No need for that," Tits replied. "I just wanted you to know so you could imagine what you missed out on."

  "Maybe next time," Rondo said shrugging. "I wish Elaria would hurry up, but I think she is playing with Minty in there."

  "Well at least you know how to wait your turn," I said to Rondo while making eye contact with Tits.

  "You should go join her," Eldertits said mischievously. "We all know she's dying to get with a black."

  "Oh yeah," Rondo replied sarcastically, "she's just dying for that. Besides, she warned me in no uncertain terms that if I were to so much as peep at her, she would gouge my eyes out and rip my tongue out so she could hang me from the ceiling with it."

  "Lynching a black man?" Tits replied in mock offense. "You should get a pass just for her racism. Besides, no risk, no reward."

  She finished this with a wink at Rondo, and then much to my annoyance, latched onto my arm.

  "I should get a pass for all her racism," Rondo replied amused. "But I like my eyes and tongue just how they are."

  "Well, your loss. We're going to head to bed for round two," Tits said to Rondo, leaning in to whisper, "This time, I'll be the one bending him over."

  Rondo's laughter followed us all the way down the hall and back into the common room where I saw Iasz and Graard still sitting.

  As we got close to him, I pulled a couple of gold out of my inventory and handed it to Iasz saying, "Here, I think you might want a bath after earlier."

  The face behind the big nose scowled and didn't say anything. I was worried that I pissed him off, but in the end, he accepted the coins with a small nod, and we continued on our way to the bedroom.

  I fell asleep almost as soon as we got back to the room and slept soundly the whole night. I have no idea what Eldertits got up to for the rest of the night, but when I woke up in the morning I found her comfortably asleep on her side next to me.

  Heading down to the common room, I found Elaria, Rondo, and Minty already eating breakfast. I ordered some meat and eggs for myself and settled in at the table with them.

  "Busy night?" Rondo asked smirking.

  "Oh, shut up. Nothing happened," I replied. "You know nothing happened. Tits just likes to talk nonsense."

  "Hey, hey," Rondo said putting his hands up, "I wouldn't blame you if you did, she's hot as hell."

  Elaria shot a dirty glare at Rondo and then busied herself with her plate. Rondo noticed this, and his grin faltered slightly as he looked like he was struggling for something to say.

  Seeing this, I quickly asked, "So where should we search today? I'm a bit at a loss for where to continue our investigation."

  Setting her fork down heavily, Elaria said, "Today is Ilethday, most of the village will be making their way to the Temple of Ilethian. I think going to that service might be a good idea."

  "You never told us you were religious before," I said a little surprised.

  Elaria sighed and said, "I meant to check out the villagers, and there are many things that you don't know about me."

  "Oh, right," I replied embarrassed, "I knew that."

  "I'd like to check out that Loren character. Something seems off about him," Rondo said, stabbing a piece of sausage with his fork.

  "Really? He seemed nice enough to me," I replied as the always cheerful innkeeper brought over my breakfast and dropped it on the table in front of me.

  "You trust and like everybody," Rondo shot back.

  "That's not true," I replied defensively while cutting my eggs. "I didn't like or trust the Gray Brothers' commander."

  "Oh wow, you figured out that a slaver couldn't be trusted," Rondo replied, sarcastically rolling his eyes.

  After this, the goblins walked into the room and sat down with us. Iasz's nose definitely looked cleaner than it had last night. I guess he got that bath after all. Both of them ended up ordering breakfast, though they asked for just meat when they placed their order.

  "We're going to the Ilethday service," I explained to the other two. "Most of the town should be there, and we'll be able to check people out."

  Iasz nodded his assent and then muttered something to Graard that I couldn't understand.

  "If we find anyone suspicious I'd be more than happy to put the knives to them," Iasz said through a row of sharp teeth.

  "No," I replied firmly. "We're not torturing anyone unless there is no other way. Why does everyone always go straight to that?"

  "Suit yourself," Iasz muttered, "but you'll be wasting a lot of time."

  "Well, look at this cute little guy," Eldertits called as she walked down the stairs and rushed over to Minty. "He's so clean and soft."

  The little otter squeaked happily as she stroked his back.

  "We're going to the Ilethday service at the temple, Tits," Elaria said and added harshly, "Don't get us kicked out."

  "Ah, I'm but a prude and modest elf madam. I have no idea what you are implying," Eldertits said, putting her nose up in the air and looking offended. "Here, let's do this."

  After she said this, she stood there for a moment staring off into space, and then, the
clothing she wore changed from the revealing barbarian garb she had on to a full-length green dress with white fabric running vertically down the middle of it. The green crisscrossed over the white on the upper part of her body, and long loose sleeves ran all the way down her arms and over her hands.

  At the top of her head, a simple elven circlet sat with its metal bands twisting back and forth until they met in the center of her forehead where a simple white pearl sat. Underneath this circlet, a simple see-through veil covered her face and the rest of her head. It was actually a surprisingly pretty look for her.

  "Where do you get all of these outfits?" Rondo asked surprised.

  "I buy them when we're in cities large enough to have shops," Eldertits responded happily. "One can never have too many options."

  Elaria turned to the other woman and said something in elvish that I couldn't understand, and then touched her lips, then forehead, and then motioned forward towards Tits with her hand.

  Eldertits seemed genuinely surprised and flattered as she repeated the phrase and gesture back to Elaria. Whatever was happening between the two elves, I was just glad that it wasn't the usual bickering.

  "We should go," Rondo said after a minute. "It'd be best to get there early so we can watch people as they enter."

  "Good idea," I agreed.

  The six of us made the short walk out of the inn and over to the temple while Minty rode lazily on Elaria's shoulders. When we reached the temple, we found Loren standing outside in front of the main entrance.

  Seeing us coming over, Loren ran over and embraced each one of us, well, except for the two goblins, who he just ignored. While Eldertits seemed to delight in the embrace, Rondo looked extremely uncomfortable as the other man hugged him.

  "My children, I'm so glad you could join us today for service. I promise you will find Ilethian truly enlightening," Loren said excitedly. "You're a little bit early, but if you just want to wait inside while Rurir sets up, service will begin in about a half an hour."

  A half an hour? Shit, we timed this poorly. The last thing I wanted to do was sit in a church, or in this case a temple, for an extra half an hour, but at this point, I saw no way around it. Deciding there was nothing to be done, I walked into the temple with the rest of my group.