by Z Brewer
“Oh. Yeah. That’d be cool.” The darkness in his eyes evaporated once more. As we worked to set seven place settings, he said, “So, you’re new here.”
“Yeah. Just got here today. How about you?” He was taller than me, but a bit shorter than Lloyd. His fingers moved deftly as he folded a napkin and put it on the table.
“Two months.”
And here I’d been hoping that Lloyd’s life sentence was the exception, not the rule.
“What’s it like? I mean—”
“Treatment? It’s . . . slow.” His frown was immediate and lingered on the edges of his mouth when he spoke. “Alice and Dr. Hillard are understanding and patient, though. I just . . .”
I waited for him to finish his sentence, but he didn’t. “You just what?”
His blue eyes grew moist, reminding me immediately of the ocean. I’d only seen it once, but was captivated by the very sight of it. The depth and expanse and everything of it. He said, “I just wish I was recovering faster.”
Recovering. The word hung in the air like the toll of a bell. “Can I ask why you came here?”
He shrugged. “Same as you, I imagine. I keep having these . . . urges. Unhealthy feelings about other guys. Sick thoughts that I shouldn’t be having. I mean, I have them about girls too, and that’s fine, but God hates faggots. I came here to get better.”
My heart skipped a sickened beat. I wondered if he knew the etymology of the word “faggot.” Maybe if more people knew that it had begun as a way to refer to a bundle of sticks—specifically those used to burn heretics—they wouldn’t use it so freely. Or maybe they would anyway. Maybe even more. People could be awful.
Alice swept into the room carrying two bowls—one filled with glazed carrots and the other with mashed potatoes. Following her were four other kids, including the girl I’d seen on the porch earlier, all carrying food. Alice smiled. “Oh, Caleb, how nice. I see you’ve already met Quinn. I was hoping you two would get to know each other. Do you like your room, Quinn?”
I nodded and followed the others’ example by taking a seat. Alice sat at the head of the table. “It’s really nice. I was surprised I don’t have a roommate, being new and all.”
“All the rooms here are singles. I hope you like yours. I thought it best to put you in the main house.” Without waiting for me to respond, she continued. “Far from any bad influence.”
“Talking about me again, I see, Alice. Can’t say I blame you. I am rather inspiring.” Lloyd swept into the room with the confidence of a guy who knew he drew attention wherever he went, and, good or bad, enjoyed every moment of it. He took a seat across from me. “Sorry I’m late, Quinn. I meant to save you a seat, but instead I spent the past hour being told that my soul is salvageable, if only I go against everything that I know to be true about myself. Fun stuff, actually.”
“Can I count on you to behave yourself during dinner, Lloyd, or will you be dining with Dr. Hillard again tonight?” Alice’s tone was quiet and calm, but firm. A threat lingered in her eyes.
“In honor of our new guest, I’ll be on my best behavior. Unlike Caleb on the pool table last night.” Lloyd blew a kiss Caleb’s way. Caleb sank down in his seat, looking more than a little mortified. I had a feeling nothing had happened between them. I also had a feeling that Lloyd reveled in making people squirm. As he winked at Caleb, he said, “Talk about hitting it in the corner pocket. You naughty boy.”
One of the other kids said, “You have a dirty mind, Lloyd.”
Without missing a beat, Lloyd shot back, “Filthy as charged.”
Alice slapped the tabletop hard with her palm, making everyone jump. Everyone, that is, but Lloyd. I wondered if there were any more surprises left for him to find here after six months. “This will be your first and last warning, Lloyd. One more disgusting outburst—”
Lloyd put up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay. I’ll behave. Promise.”
The same man I’d seen outside from my bedroom window, the one with the sweater vest and tie, entered the room, bringing with him an air of comfort that I welcomed. With a confident step, he approached me and shook my hand. His skin was warm and soft. “You must be Quinn. I’m Dr. Hillard, the administrator here at Camp Redemption. I apologize for not being available to greet you when you arrived. Normally I would have, but I had an emergency session at the last minute.”
Behind his spectacles were hazel eyes that reminded me of my grandfather. It made talking to him feel easy. “That’s okay. It’s nice to meet you.”
Lloyd coughed, and the moment Alice shot him a reprimanding look, he sipped some water and cleared his throat. “Sorry. Must be coming down with something.”
The air in the room changed, and at first, I couldn’t discern why. But then Dr. Hillard met Lloyd’s eyes, and I knew that the others feared him in one way or another. Whether it was the fear of disappointing him or the fear of angering him, I didn’t know. “I look forward to our session tomorrow, Lloyd.”
Lloyd’s face went slack with fear, too. It was only for a moment, but it seemed so out of character for him that a flash of worry tore through me.
Then the air lightened again and Dr. Hillard’s pleasant smile returned as he addressed me. “I look forward to speaking to you more as well, young lady. Bless you all. Good night.”
I should have known, I supposed, that we hadn’t set an eighth plate, but it seemed off to me. Where was he going? My voice came out softer than I’d intended when I said, “Dr. Hillard doesn’t eat with everyone else?”
The girl next to me muttered, “The king? Dine with the peasants? Never.”
Either Alice hadn’t heard the snide remark or else she’d chosen to ignore it. “Now that we’re all here, I think introductions are needed. You’ve already met Lloyd, Caleb, and me. Shall we go around the table?”
The girl beside me had shoulder-length auburn hair. Like me, she had tiny freckles dotting her nose and cheeks. When she smiled, her eyes sparkled. She said, “Hey there. I’m Susan.”
Next came the boy who’d called out Lloyd’s dirty mind. He was thin and had the clearest skin I’d ever seen on a teenager. “My name’s David, but most people just call me by my last name, Collins.”
Across from Collins sat a girl who had clearly not been anatomically female at birth but was working to fix that. Her facial features had softened, her curves had been defined. I wondered if her parents had anything to do with her getting and using hormones, or if she had found another way. I couldn’t imagine them helping her only to send her to a place in order to change her, so I was betting it was the latter.
Susan might have been cute, but this girl was gorgeous. She smiled at me, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She looked almost angry, but I was about to learn that it wasn’t anger—it was defiance. “I’m Valerie.”
“Jeffrey, we’ve talked about this. Your name is not Valerie. God made you a male in his image, and this delusion is dangerous and wrong. Stop it at once or—” As if realizing that her voice had risen to near shouting, Alice took a couple deep breaths and calmed herself before speaking again. Her skin was flushed pink. I didn’t know if it was because she was pissed off or embarrassed at the way she’d lashed out. Either way, she’d managed to silence everyone in the room. “Jeffrey, I hope you realize that this incident will require a firmer approach to your treatment. After dinner, you’ll come with me so that we can address it properly.”
Fear passed through Valerie’s eyes, and on its heels, sadness.
Keeping order, Alice said, “Now, Randall, would you please introduce yourself?”
The guy sitting next to Valerie looked caught off guard, but then, we all had been. “I’m . . . Randall?”
When Alice spoke again, she was back to her cheery, pleasant self. “Now that introductions have been made, you should be aware of the fact that we have a very precise schedule here that you should put to memory, Quinn. We expect promptness. I put a copy of the schedule as well as the rules on your nightstand. B
reakfast is at seven o’clock each morning. We expect you to be present, clean, and dressed. After breakfast is what we call our morning constitutional. It’s a time for peaceful reflection on the sins you’ve committed, your progress or lack of progress, and how you can do better moving forward. Therapy sessions rotate throughout the day, with breaks for lunch, which is at noon, and dinner, which is at six. You will be in the house with lights out at nine and will not be permitted to leave campus. There are security measures in place for your protection.”
My head was spinning from the litany of information she’d just thrown at me, but not so much that I didn’t notice the words “security measures.” “So, we’re not allowed to leave campus at all?”
“I’m afraid not. It would interfere with your progress. Now, who would like to say grace?” Lloyd shot his hand into the air, which sparked Alice to choose someone else immediately. “Randall, why don’t you do the honors?”
Randall and the others bowed their heads—all but Lloyd, who smiled at me and rolled his eyes when Randall began to pray. My parents were big on prayer—on church as a whole—but that dedication to faith hadn’t fully filtered down to Kai and me. After he went off to college, his views changed even more, which made me really question what the preacher was saying up there behind his pulpit. I went to service on Sundays and bowed my head when it was time for prayer, but I wasn’t convinced that God required any of those things. Nevertheless, I folded my fingers together and bowed my head as Randall recited his prayer. “Dear Lord, bless this food to our bodies. May it give us the strength to endure the trials that lie before us, the wisdom to know right from wrong, and the fortitude to stand up for those beliefs. Bless all those seated at this table to your will and your grace. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”
Alice passed a basket of still-steaming biscuits to me and said, “Your mom told me a few things about why she and your dad thought coming here would be good for you, but I want to hear from you. What are you hoping to accomplish while you’re with us, Quinn?”
“I’m just . . .” I could feel every set of eyes in the room on me. Her tone had been so casual, like she was asking me what I’d had for breakfast that morning. Why was she asking me in front of everyone? Wasn’t that something I was supposed to explore in therapy alone? “I guess I’m maybe just confused about some things.”
Alice leaned forward, her eyes full of sympathy for my plight. “Like God’s plan for you?”
God’s plan. What might a liaison at Camp Redemption know about an all-knowing deity’s plan for me? I kind of doubted she had his number on speed dial. “I guess. My parents say I’m sick and I want to figure out if they’re right. Or if I’m really in love with Lia.”
“Lia?”
“My girlfriend.”
The air in the room felt heavier. The rest of the kids were eating in silence. I couldn’t help but notice that Lloyd was watching our interaction with great interest.
Alice swallowed the food in her mouth, but it looked like the bite went down hard, as if she were forcing herself to eat something revolting. “Ahh. The root of your temptation to sin. Well, I look forward to talking about this further with you during your stay here. Aside from our regularly scheduled sessions, you should be aware that I’m always available whenever Dr. Hillard isn’t.”
“Thanks.” I didn’t know what to say other than that. Was Lia a temptation for me? Oh yes. Especially when she wore her hair up and I could see the nape of her neck. Or when she placed her hand on the small of my back. Or when she . . .
Stop it, Quinn. Just . . . stop it.
“Don’t worry. We’ll dig that root out and restore your purity.” Alice placed her hand on mine and gave it a squeeze, as if I needed comforting. Maybe I did. “If you’d like, the others normally gather in the rec room for some wholesome fun before lights-out. But if you’d rather be alone your first night, everyone will understand. There’s always a bit of an adjustment period.”
Most of the others had finished eating. I looked down at my plate and realized that I hadn’t taken a single bite. Hunger eluded me. Maybe it was nerves. Maybe it was something else. All I knew was that a wave of guilt and sadness had washed over me the moment I started thinking about Lia, and how much I missed her already. “I think I’ll just go to my room and read.”
“That’s fine. I put some acceptable reading materials on your dresser. I’m sure you understand that we had to confiscate any potentially harmful items.”
“You went through my things?” My mind started scrolling through a list of everything I’d brought with me. My cell phone, a few books, clothing, toiletries—nothing dangerous. But I’d also brought a picture of Lia. Had they taken that too?
“We find that the treatment process goes smoother without any distractions from the secular world. It’s important that your confusion isn’t aggravated by any influence from outside the camp.” Without waiting for my response, she stood up and clapped her hands together, as if we’d all just enjoyed a family dinner and a nice chat together, rather than . . . whatever that had been. “If you decide to join the others, Quinn, the rec room is downstairs. Susan, please clear the table. Randall, you’re on dishes tonight. Jeffrey, you’re coming with me. Good night, everyone. Remember, lights out at nine, but say your prayers first.”
I returned to my room feeling heavier than I had before dinner. Upon inspection, I noticed my phone was missing, as well as my books and picture of Lia. A sick feeling washed over me, but I pushed it away. If Camp Redemption had helped people before me, maybe they knew what they were doing and I just had to trust the process. It wouldn’t be easy, I was certain, but if I had my answers in the end, it would be worth it. Wouldn’t it?
I’d planned on putting on pajamas and slipping into bed early, but as I pulled a pair from my suitcase, I noticed the pamphlets sitting on my nightstand. I picked up the one on top and read. “Choosing to engage in homosexual conduct is sinful in the eyes of God, and those who do so without redemption shall burn forever in the fires of hell.”
The next one took a gentler approach. It said, “Doing nothing to correct the confusion within you regarding sexuality only allows you to sink deeper into a lifestyle that God warns against.”
The third pamphlet stated that the bad feelings I was likely experiencing would go away if I just pushed them down deep enough and released my compulsion to lust. My stomach flip-flopped.
I sat on the edge of the bed and thought about my reasons for coming here. Was I an abomination? Was I sick? Was I confused? Or was I just running away from something in order to please my parents?
I looked at the alarm clock and realized that I’d been sitting there for almost an hour. A knock on the door startled me from my thoughts, and when I opened it, I was surprised to find Lloyd standing there. “Come.”
He turned around and started toward the stairs, as if he knew I’d follow him. He was right.
Without hesitation, I closed the door behind me and quickened my steps so that we were walking side by side. “Where?”
“With me.”
“Why?”
“Orgy in the rec room.” He said it so casually. I didn’t even feel my jaw drop, just realized it had when he looked at me and started laughing. “Oh my glob, you are too easy. I refuse to let you spend your first night in hell reading pamphlets on how every same-sex encounter leads to HIV and AIDS. Now get your ass downstairs so I might have even the slightest chance for competition at the poker table.”
We made our way down the stairs, turned left, and passed through a door that led to more stairs. At the bottom was a large room with orange shag carpeting and fluorescent velvet posters on the walls. In the far left corner was a Ping-Pong table. It was as if someone had decorated the room thinking that they knew what “kids these days” were into. Only no one had bothered to tell them that it was no longer 1975.
In the center of the room stood a huge wooden spool that acted as a table. Susan, Collins, and Randall were perched on stools arou
nd it. Caleb was sitting on one of the beanbags on the floor near it. The look on his face suggested he was sulking.
“Hey, Quinn.” Collins smiled at me and slid a deck of cards across the table to Randall. “Your deal, dude.”
I took a seat on one of the empty stools. Lloyd sat down next to me. “What are we betting with exactly?”
Randall shuffled the cards over and over again. “Anything of value, really, but if you’ve got cash, that’s the best way to go.”
“Just don’t tell Alice or ‘Doctor’ Hillard about our poker games.” Lloyd made quotation marks in the air with his fingers when he said ‘doctor,’ which made me wonder what exactly Dr. Hillard was a doctor of, if he was really a doctor at all. “Poker is on their list of no-no’s, because apparently, God frowns on capitalism in any form. Guess Camp Redemption didn’t get the memo on that one before they cashed my parents’ check.”
I thought I heard a grumble coming from Caleb but couldn’t be certain. Maybe I was too distracted by what Lloyd had just said. “Wait. Our parents paid for us to come here?”
“Yeah, they did. And as long as the checks clear, they can keep us here until we’re legally old enough to say otherwise. In two months, I’ll be eighteen. If I last that long, I’m gone.” Lloyd’s jaw tightened in justified anger. “So, I guess it’s a pay-to-pray-away-the-gay kind of situation. I’m amazed they don’t have a gift shop selling snake oil.”
My parents had left me with the impression that this was some charitable ministry that just wanted to help people like me. The notion that my parents had paid real money in hopes that I’d come home straight soured my stomach. “Aren’t there laws about us missing too much school or something?”
Susan shrugged. “Who’s gonna report it? The parents that drop kids here are instructed to tell our schools that we’re being homeschooled. I wonder if our parents believe it.”
There was a hole at the center of me. My parents hadn’t lied. Not exactly. But they’d withheld the truth, which was just as bad. “That’s crazy.”