She did eventually find her way out on her own, when Lily was a toddler, but by then the damage had been done to their marriage. Pete was coming home later and later, claiming that things at work were crazy when she knew it was because he wanted to avoid being around her. The tiny little seed of resentment that had been planted inside her during those first few months of pregnancy, that she had been left to go through all of this while he still got to live his life almost as normal, had been growing. Some days she’d have killed to sleep in the spare room and get a full eight hours, or to go to work and leave him at home with the baby but he simply didn’t understand that.
To him, as he once joked before seeing the murderous look on her face and quickly trying to backtrack, maternity leave was made up of going for long, lazy walks in the park, watching box sets and meeting other mums for cappuccinos and gossip. And although he tried to be understanding and sympathetic about how she was feeling, she sensed at the back of his mind he was really thinking, Why is she finding this such a struggle when everyone else seems to manage just fine? She’s hardly the first woman in the world to have had a baby.
As the end of her maternity leave loomed ever closer, Kate got in touch with her boss about returning to work. As much as she’d fantasised about slipping back into her old life and going back full-time, she knew deep down that she didn’t really want to go back to fifty-hour weeks and never being there to put her own daughter to bed.
‘You don’t have to go back at all,’ Pete had told her. ‘You had to work some pretty long hours and go to so many evening events, it’s not compatible with our lives anymore. With my promotion, we can afford for you to stay at home.’
But she’d been desperate to go back to the job that she’d excelled at, to get her identity back for just a few hours a week, and so she’d applied to return part-time. She was absolutely certain they’d say yes, after all she’d been there for years and she was one of their top performers. She’d already started ordering new work outfits online with a growing sense of anticipation, knowing full well there was no way she’d be squeezing into her old ones any time soon, when she got the email from her boss, declining her application. It was full-time or no time.
‘At least the decision’s been taken out of your hands,’ Pete told her. ‘The short-sighted pricks can’t even be flexible for one of their most loyal employees. You wouldn’t want to work at a place like that now you’re a mum anyway, they’d make your life a misery, making you work full-time hours for part-time pay. Tell them to stuff it, and apply for jobs at smaller, more family-friendly agencies.’
And so she’d handed in her notice and the final connection to her previous life was severed just like that. She didn’t even bother having a leaving do, so unceremonious was her resignation from a place that she had given her all to for nearly a decade. They sent her a gift voucher in the post and a card signed by some of her old team with the usual messages, expressing their devastation that she was leaving and promises to keep in touch. She never heard from any of them again.
She had cancelled the nursery place that she had secured for Lily. ‘I’ll keep her at home with me for the time being,’ she told Pete. ‘There’s no point her being at nursery if I’m not working. As soon as I get a job, I’ll enrol her again.’
But after scouring job listings every week, she soon discovered that part-time jobs in PR were pretty hard to come by. And anyway, who the hell had time to write a CV and pithy covering letters when they were also looking after a toddler? Each day Kate told herself that she’d spend Lily’s nap time on job hunting but then something would distract her – the online grocery shop or an email from her mum that she hadn’t replied to – and she never quite got around to it. Before she knew it, months had passed and she’d started to think about baby number two. There’s no point getting a job now, she thought, best wait until I’ve had the second baby and then I can really get stuck back into my career knowing that the pregnancy and baby days are behind me. And then of course Maggie had arrived, along with another onslaught of postnatal depression, and blown away the last shred of confidence she had. By the time Rachel arrived on the scene Kate didn’t really know who she was anymore, and was too exhausted to figure it out. Now here she was five years later, still being looked after by Rachel, and not a great deal had changed except that she thought she’d got a lot better at hiding how she felt and acting like everything was fine. But now she was beginning to realise that she’d been wrong this whole time.
Rachel stood up to start making the girls’ dinner and Kate went to help her, the two women working next to each other in companionable silence. Once the girls were at the table eating, Rachel said goodbye and slipped out, leaving Kate alone with them. She looked at them both and felt that familiar rush of love for them. For years now she’d struggled with motherhood, compared herself to others and concluded each time that the girls deserved better than her. But here they were, two beautiful, happy little girls who loved and laughed without a care in the world. In a fleeting moment of clarity, she thought I’ve got this, I can do this. She smiled at them both as they munched on their pasta. ‘Who’s up for a game of snap after dinner?’
8
Pete
He wasn’t supposed to spill the beans but it just came tumbling out, like most secrets tend to do in the end. He’d gone for a pint with Dan after work and as they sat down, drinking with relish after a long day of meetings, Dan had looked at him thoughtfully. ‘What gives, mate?’
The suddenness of the question had startled Pete but before he could stop himself a wry grin had escaped involuntarily. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re like the cat that’s got the cream. I haven’t seen you this chirpy for ages, it’s like you’re a new man. So, what gives?’
Pete quickly weighed up his options. They had agreed to tell no one about the affair, even close friends. It had been his idea but Claire hadn’t seemed to mind. She wasn’t an over-sharer, like most other women he knew, and she told him she preferred to keep her private life to herself. So he fully believed that she hadn’t told a soul. Yet here he was, the one with the most to lose, and he simply couldn’t keep it in any longer. ‘So, I’ve actually met someone,’ he said slowly, observing Dan to see his reaction.
Across the table Dan raised his eyebrows but said nothing.
‘I know it’s terrible, I’m a massive shithead, etc., etc., but things between me and Kate haven’t been good for a long time, mate. And I wasn’t looking for anything but then it came along and I couldn’t stop it and now, well, now I think I might be a bit smitten.’ It was the first time he had admitted how he felt but he’d been thinking it for a while now. Saying the words only confirmed his feelings, and the pint he was necking at a significant rate definitely helped. He was mad for this girl.
‘Bloody hell, Pete, how long has this been going on for?’
‘A few months,’ he admitted.
‘Who is it?’
‘It’s, erm, well it’s Claire from work.’
Dan’s brow furrowed as he mentally worked his way through the people at work, looking for a Claire. His eyes widened as he hit the jackpot. ‘Claire from reception?’
Now Pete was properly grinning, despite the inappropriateness of it all. ‘Yep.’
‘I don’t know what to say, mate. I mean fair play, she’s hot, but what the fuck, Pete?’ He held his hands up. ‘I’m not judging – it’s clear that you’re really happy – but this is a big deal, you know that, right? What are you planning to do about it?’
He’d thought about it of course, although he and Claire hadn’t discussed it. After that minor slip when he’d gone to see her on a Saturday, he’d felt so uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend that he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do it again. But they were still meeting after work every week.
Earlier this week he’d got an email from HR to say he’d been given an extra two days’ annual leave for his low absence rate and he’d immediately hatched a plan to s
pend it with Claire. Kate managed his usual annual leave allowance like the Gestapo, each day accounted for with holidays, long weekends or childcare responsibilities. But these two were all his, and he had already started researching out-of-town options where he and Claire would be safe from prying eyes. Perhaps they could even make a mini-break of it – he could tell Kate he was taking clients away for a night. He did it fairly often so she wouldn’t be suspicious. The thought had made him tense with excitement. But they were still very much living in the moment, both refusing to acknowledge the reality that it probably couldn’t go on as it was forever. At some point, Pete would need to make a decision either way.
‘I really don’t know,’ he admitted to Dan. ‘It was never meant to come to this. I’ve literally never cheated on Kate before. When it happened, I thought it was a one-off but then it just kept happening and before I knew it, I was really into her.’
‘Do you feel guilty? About Kate and the kids?’
‘Of course I bloody do. Especially with the kids. With Kate it’s really complicated. I do feel guilty but I also feel like she’s partly to blame. The way she is with me, she’s really off, mate. It’s like all she cares about is maintaining this image of the perfect life; she’s obsessed with people thinking that we’re this happy family but she doesn’t seem to care what actually happens on the inside. And we’ve really drifted apart. She’s not the person I met, or the person I married.’
‘What about marriage counselling?’ Dan asked.
‘For marriage counselling we’d have to admit our marriage is in trouble and we haven’t even done that,’ Pete replied. ‘It’s like we’re both in denial and we don’t want to rock the sinking boat. I thought this was just what life was like when you settled down and had kids but now I’m not sure. What about you and Laura?’
Dan considered the question carefully. ‘It’s hard, having young children. You’re so busy running around all day that it’s easy to forget to look after yourselves. Most evenings we’re so exhausted we collapse into bed soon after the kids. And arranging to go out together, just the two of us, is like planning a military operation. But if you’re asking if I’m happy then the answer is yes. Do I still love Laura? Definitely yes.’
‘That’s the thing,’ Pete replied. ‘I’m not happy and I can’t really remember the last time that I was. I’ve just been so tired of life, of everything, for so long and then when Claire came along I suddenly felt like myself again.’
‘I get it, Pete, I do. Marriage is hard. Raising a family is relentless and exhausting. Sure there have been times when I’ve wanted to run away from it all and become a scuba diving instructor in Thailand.’ They both grinned in acknowledgement at the fantasy. ‘But at the end of the day, you’re in it together with your partner, you’re a team. And if that team isn’t working anymore, then you need to look at why. Either way, you have to face reality, Pete, you can’t go on like this forever.’
Pete sighed heavily. ‘It’s not as simple as that though, is it. The decision isn’t between two women, it’s between two life choices. And there’s the kids to think of.’
‘Yes, but the kids aren’t going to be happy if their parents are unhappy. You need to confront this situation head-on. You either fight for your marriage, work hard to fix it and find happiness again, or you walk away and make a clean break. I know people stay together for the kids but personally I think that’s a bad idea. Kids aren’t stupid, they can sense when things aren’t right.’
It was all starting to feel a bit too real now. The buzz of confessing his secret had worn off and now he was regretting telling Dan. He wasn’t ready to confront all of this yet. Of course it was playing on his mind, forever lurking in the background, but he was pretty good at shoving it into a dark corner and ignoring it. He wanted to live in his little bubble of denial for a bit longer. Was he trying to have his cake and eat it? Probably, but bloody hell he was having a good time. And he deserved a good time.
‘Look, Dan, I totally get everything that you’re saying,’ he told his friend. ‘And believe me I know that this situation is less than ideal. I’m going to sort it, I promise.’
He quickly moved the conversation on to a drama at work and Dan happily took the bait, probably as relieved as he was to get off the topic. They didn’t mention it for the rest of the evening. But by telling him, he had a feeling that something had changed. He had opened the can of worms. It wasn’t a secret anymore and now he was, in some way, accountable for his actions.
9
Kate
Pete, what the hell? It’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from you. At least let me know where you are. You can’t just vanish like this, it’s really unfair. I have no idea what to say to the girls. Lily is asking after you all the time, she keeps wanting to FaceTime you and I’m running out of excuses. Maybe you don’t love me anymore but surely you still love them? If you get this email please at least do me the courtesy of responding. Kate.
The train pulled into Farringdon Station and Kate stepped off and made her way up the stairs to the street. Looking around her she felt that instant rush of excitement at being in the hustle and bustle of central London. God, she loved this city. It had been so long since she’d been in town, she’d forgotten what it felt like to be surrounded by hundreds of people, dashing this way and that way to offices, meetings, coffee shops and restaurants. She spent pretty much all day and every day trapped in suburbia, where the highlight of the day was a trip to the park.
It had been ten days since Pete had vanished and Dan had agreed to meet her. She’d spent the last few days contacting his friends to ask them if he’d been in touch. Some had simply replied to say he hadn’t, not interested in prying further, others had called her to ask what was going on. They’d all been shocked to hear what had happened and she believed them. They didn’t know anything.
As a last resort, she’d called his mum, Karen. Pete wasn’t close with his mum at all and Kate didn’t really know her that well. A single mum, she had raised Pete and his brother David on her own and Kate knew from what little Pete had told her that they didn’t have much money growing up. He didn’t talk fondly of his childhood. David had apparently never been interested in school or making much out of his life, whereas Pete had been the complete opposite – driven to the point of obsession, as if he had something to prove. He never spoke about his family and although he had often stayed with Kate at her parents’ house in the university holidays, whenever she suggested that she visit him at his mum’s he’d always made an excuse.
She met his mum for the first time at graduation and the minute the ceremony was over, he’d practically manhandled Karen away from Kate and her family, saying that they were going out for lunch together before she got the train home. She’d always felt that Pete was ashamed of his family but whenever she brought it up with him, he refused to discuss it. In the end she’d given up trying. The years had gone by and she’d all but forgotten he even had a family because they had never been in their lives. When Lily was born and she became a mother herself, she had felt a new, overwhelming sadness for Karen. The poor woman had all but lost her son and wasn’t being given the opportunity to be in her granddaughter’s life either. Whatever had happened between Pete and his mother, surely it wasn’t completely insurmountable? So she had suggested that Pete get in touch with her and arrange for her to meet the baby but he’d frowned and told her that it wasn’t going to happen. When she’d probed, he’d got angry and ordered her to leave it and that was the last time she ever brought it up.
She’d had to dig Pete’s phone out and look through his contacts to find the number. As she dialled from the home phone, she realised that she was terrified of speaking to her and when the phone started ringing she nearly hung up. But before she could change her mind, Karen picked up.
‘Karen, hi, it’s Kate. Pete’s wife.’
The silence that followed went on for so long that she wasn’t even sure if Karen was still there but eventually s
he answered. ‘What’s happened?’
Her response threw Kate and for a second she couldn’t find the words to reply. How had his mum known something was wrong straightaway? But then she realised that there was no other reason why her daughter-in-law would be calling her out of the blue after so many years.
‘It’s Pete, he’s– erm, well I just wondered if you’d heard from him at all?’
Karen laughed so hard that she started coughing. ‘Love, I’m the last person to have heard from Pete. He hasn’t done a runner has he?’
This whole conversation was making her feel extremely uneasy and she wanted to finish it as soon as possible. It had been a stupid idea to call. Of all the places where Pete might have gone, it was never going to have been his mum’s.
For want of anything better to say she replied with the same frankness. ‘Yes, he has.’
‘I’m sorry to hear it, I know you’ve got young children too, but what can I say? He’s always been a selfish one him. Like father like son.’
She knew there was no love lost between them and it was clear she wasn’t going to get much further with his mum. ‘Okay, well thanks anyway, Karen, I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
The older women relented a bit. ‘Look, give me your number and if I hear from him, I’ll let you know.’
She read out her number and hung up. It wasn’t until later that she realised Karen hadn’t even asked after her grandchildren.
After a few days of trying other avenues, and her emails to Pete still unanswered, she had got back in contact with Dan and told him that she’d exhausted all her other options and he was the last one left – it was time for him to talk. They had arranged to meet for coffee at a place in the City, near his work. She felt a mixture of anticipation and fear about what she was going to hear. She was desperate to know the whole truth, yet she knew that she would hate it. She found the café immediately and paused for a second before she went in, steeling herself. Dan was inside waiting for her. He stood up and gave her an awkward hug and as they both sat down, he glanced at her nervously. This was just as hard for him and she knew she was putting him in a difficult situation, but she hadn’t been left with much choice.
The Missing Husband: a tense psychological suspense full of twists Page 8