by Claire Raye
Figuring I should say goodbye to Joe, but as soon as I leave the hallway and enter the bar area, I see him.
What is he doing here?
Reid is sitting at the far end of the bar, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a Brown University girl wrapped around his arm. Her mouth is next to his ear, her braless tits pressed against him as he looks down at his glass. She says something to him, her head tossed back laughing and he smirks a little. It’s weak and emotionless, but he’s still sitting there with her and in less than an hour, he’ll be in the bathroom with her too.
Because I meant nothing to him.
I panic, frozen with fear over what I’ve just seen and the files fall from under my arm, scattering across the floor. I squat to pick them up, a few people hopping off their stools to help and of course that’s when he sees me.
Our eyes lock from across the room and as much as I want to look away, I can’t. It doesn’t matter that he broke my heart; I want to run to him. I want to wrap my arms around him and sob into his t-shirt. I want to hear him say my name, the comforting sound of his voice soothing me.
But instead I grab my things, wrinkling up the papers as I quickly stuff them back into the folders. Turning on my heels, I head to the back entrance, getting away from him as quickly as possible.
“Sienna!” he yells, calling my name and the sound of his voice makes my chest clench, the tears streaming hard and fast now.
I hit the door, shoving it open until I’m hit with the cool night air, the breeze drying my tears, but doing nothing to stop the ache in my chest.
“Sienna, stop!” he calls out, following me out the door as I nearly run to Caleb’s car that is parked on the side of the building.
I reach the car before he can reach me and I slam the door, locking it as I fumble for the keys. But none of this stops Reid, throwing his body against the side of the car. He slams his hands into the glass window, leaving one of them pressed there as he desperately calls my name.
The sobs wrack my body and despite the pane of glass between us, I can feel him, I can smell him and my body aches with an overwhelming need to touch him. As much I want him to comfort me, I want to comfort him, too.
“Sienna, please. Just talk to me,” he begs, and with each word, with each cry of desperation, my heart shatters even more. How can my heart be so broken, but still want him so much? I feel myself giving in, wanting to feel the comfort of his body and knowing that up until all of this happened, I would’ve trusted him with my life. I struggle, wondering if I’m being unfair, but then my brain conjures up images of Caleb’s battered face, his casted arm and I just can’t risk it.
Chapter Seven
Reid
My hand is pressed against the driver’s side window as I plead with Sienna to talk to me, to let me talk to her. She isn’t looking at me, but I can still see the tears streaming down her cheeks, making my heart ache with a pain I have never felt before.
It hurts so fucking bad to see her hurting like this, to know that she thinks I’m the cause of that hurt. To be this close to her but so fucking far apart. All I want to do is pull her into my arms and promise that I’m going to fix this. To make her believe that I had no idea any of this was happening.
I’d gone to the bar tonight in part because I was hoping to see one of them and in part because I just needed something to do, an excuse to get out of my empty house after going through my dad’s office last night.
It was hard though, finding something to do given the only two friends I have back here aren’t really talking to me. At least Joe hadn’t seemed to blame me for what happened, although it’s hard to know how much he knows. I can’t imagine Caleb has clued him in on it all given everything that’s gone down in the past two weeks and I’d put money on their dad not saying anything. Seems like he was hiding everything, even as he continued to make things worse and worse.
When I’d come in about thirty minutes ago, Joe had greeted me with a smile and questions about school and how long I was back for. I’d always liked Joe; he’d been good to Caleb and me, even when he was kicking us out of the bar back when we were underage kids. Didn’t stop him slipping us a six pack of Bud or whatever, he just didn’t want us inside where we could cause him trouble.
I’d tried to make conversation with him, but it was pretty obvious I wasn’t in the mood to talk, so with a nod to an empty chair, he’d poured me a generous whiskey, sliding the glass in my direction as I sat at the end of the bar and waited, silently praying that Sienna would somehow show up.
And of course, she’d done that at quite possibly the worst fucking time ever. Right when some chick decided that me sitting alone at the bar, clearly pissed off and nursing a whiskey, meant I was in the mood to talk or flirt or whatever.
I wasn’t, but it hadn’t stopped her from strolling over and pressing her tits against my arm just as Sienna had walked out of the back office. Fuck, I hadn’t even seen her come in and that’s when she has to walk out.
“Baby, please,” I say again, my voice filled with desperation as I practically beg her.
She shakes her head and starts the car. I feel my heart shatter a little more inside my chest, but just when I think she’s going to drive away, she turns. Looking up at me, our eyes meet through the glass and I feel as though she’s looking right into my soul and in doing so, showing me hers, too.
Her eyes are filled with so much sadness, shining with tears that continue to fall and if I thought my heart was broken before, I was so fucking wrong. Because right in this moment, it completely shatters into a million fucking pieces as I feel my own eyes fill with tears.
She lifts her hand to the glass and presses it against mine. Even though we are separated by the window, I swear I can almost feel her touch, a jolt of electricity and warmth shooting up my arm as sure as if her hand was in mine.
But just as quickly as it happens, it ends, Sienna dropping her hand before swiping angrily at her cheeks and driving away.
I stand in the parking lot, watching until her taillights disappear before turning and walking back to my car. On the drive home, I listen to the playlist Sienna made of our road trip home, every song stirring a memory that’s like a knife to my heart.
Without even realizing it, I find myself driving down their street, my car slowing as I approach their house. Caleb’s car sits in the drive, so I know Sienna is home, but when a light comes on inside it, as though someone’s turned on their phone and it’s lighting up the darkness, I slow, pulling my truck to the curb and switching off the ignition.
I sit in the dark watching, knowing it must be her. What is she doing though? Is she thinking about calling me? Is she finally reading the messages I’ve been sending her? Watching her, my chest aches with a need to go to her, to pull her from the car and into my arms.
And when her car door finally opens and she gets out, I do the same, unable to stop myself, the link that binds us only tightening as it pulls me in one direction—to her.
“Sienna,” I say gently, not wanting to scare her.
She spins around, her eyes wide with fear, her phone clutched in her hands and some files shoved under her arm.
“Reid,” she breathes out, her body relaxing just a little when she realizes it’s me, even though she doesn’t exactly look happy to see me either. “What are you doing here?”
I take a step toward her, standing on the sidewalk as she stands beside Caleb’s car. We’re separated by several feet, but it feels like miles and I long to go to her.
“I miss you, Sie,” I whisper. “So fucking much.”
Sienna lets out a hard laugh, but it’s without humor. “Really?” she says, the word harsh. “Why don’t you just go back to your skank at the bar? I’m sure she’d be happy to distract you.”
I shove a rough hand through my hair, frustration coursing through me as I let out a hard breath. “Nothing happened with that girl, Sienna,” I say, leveling my gaze with hers. “Nothing.”
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“Right,” she says, her tone laced with sarcasm. “So she was just hanging all over you for fun then, was she?”
I take another step toward her. “Nothing. Happened.” I repeat, my words firm. “Nothing was ever going to happen because I don’t want that girl, or any other fucking girl, I only want you.”
My heart is pounding in my chest as I say the words, desperate for her to believe me, to hear what I’m telling her. Inside, my brain is screaming other words; I love you, I love you, I love you. But I can’t say those words, not now.
Because I don’t want to say them when she’s this angry with me, when she’s going to think I’m only saying them to get her back. I can’t have her think that’s the reason I’m saying them.
I let out a long exhale, forcing myself to stay calm. “She walked up to me literally five seconds before you walked out,” I tell her. “I told her I wasn’t interested, and I was about to walk away when I saw you.”
Sienna glances away as she takes a deep breath and I can’t tell if she believes me or not.
“I wouldn’t do that to you, Sie, I told you that,” I add and when she turns back to me, her face is a mix of sadness and regret.
“Well, it doesn’t matter anymore now, does it?” she says, her words quiet.
“Yes, it fucking does,” I say, taking two steps toward her. “Jesus, Sienna, this is all such a huge misunderstanding.”
“Is it?” she yells.
“Yes!” I shout. “I didn’t fucking know, alright? I had no fucking idea about what my dad was doing.”
“Doing?” she spits out. “You mean murdering my father, almost killing my brother.”
I groan, scrubbing my hands down my face. “You think I don’t feel like fucking shit about that?” I shout. “Yeah, my dad’s a fucking asshole, I know that, but it doesn’t mean I am too. I’m not my fucking father. Jesus, Sienna, I thought you of all people would understand that!”
I stop, my breathing ragged, my heart still pounding in my chest. Sienna doesn’t speak, just stares at me, a flash of regret crossing her face at my words.
“I thought you trusted me,” I whisper, remembering the words she told me that first night we were together.
I trust you Reid.
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Sie. I won’t ever lie to you. And I would never hurt you like that either. Not ever.”
She nods, looking away as tears silently start to fall down her cheeks. “I just don’t know what to think, Reid,” she whispers, turning back. She stares down at her phone, her thumb brushing across the screen, activating it.
As it lights up, I see the picture of us that she saved as her background image and that crack in my chest closes an infinitesimal amount. She kept the picture; she kept the picture of us.
Feeling the first bit of relief since the day she told me she never wanted to see me again, I take another step closer. “Tell me you believe me,” I say. “Tell me you know that I had nothing to do with this.”
She looks up, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. “I don’t know what I believe anymore.”
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as I fight to control myself. But her scent surrounds me now, consuming me and pushing me over the edge. Without thinking about it anymore, I open my eyes, close the distance between us and pull her into my arms, crushing my mouth against hers.
Sienna gasps in surprise, but I don’t give her a chance to question it, my tongue sliding into her mouth and silencing any questions or protests she might have. For the briefest of moments, she lets me kiss her, her body folding into mine as she kisses me back. I kiss her with a hunger, a desperation that’s filled with so much regret and pain and sorrow. So much fucking longing.
But then her hands are on my chest, pushing me away.
“Don’t,” she says, her breathing strangled.
“Tell me you believe me,” I demand.
“It doesn’t matter what I believe,” she says, lifting her gaze to mine. “Because nothing changes. My dad is still dead, Caleb is still broken, and everything is lost.”
I shake my head once. “Not everything.”
Sienna gives me a sad smile. “How could it even work, Reid?” she whispers. “Your dad, he—”
“I’m going to fix this, Sie,” I tell her, not letting her finish. “I’m going to fix this and I’m going to prove to you that this,” I pause, gesturing between us, “is not lost.”
Sienna shakes her head, her hands wiping at her cheeks. “I have to go,” she says, taking a step backward.
“Sie,” I say, my hand out to her. “I…” the words I shouldn’t say are right there, on the tip of my tongue, desperate to be voiced, but before I get a chance, the porch light comes on and the front door opens as Caleb walks out.
“Sienna, are you okay?” he asks. She turns to him, moving a little and that’s when he notices me. He pauses, a look of surprise crossing his face as he says, “Reid?”
“Hey, Caleb.”
Caleb’s eyes flick between me and his sister, an unreadable look on his face now. “What’s going on?”
Sienna shakes her head before taking a couple of steps toward the porch. “Nothing,” she says, the word quiet.
“I just came to see if you guys were okay,” I tell him, knowing it’s only partly true, but also not a complete lie. I do care how they are, both of them. They mean more to me than anyone. “And to let you both know,” I say, glancing again at Sienna, “that I’m going to fix this.”
“Reid, dude—” Caleb starts, but I cut him off.
“No, Caleb,” I say. “I am. My father is a fucking asshole who deserves to rot in jail. I’m going to find a way to make that happen, because neither of you deserve this. I might not have known what was going on here, and I swear to you, I didn’t,” I repeat, pausing to let my words sink in. “But I can sure as fuck fix things.” I stop, take a deep breath, wishing I didn’t have to leave but knowing there’s no chance I’m getting invited in. “Just give me a couple of days, okay?” I ask them. “My dad, he’s…fuck, he’s coming back to town and I’m going to…”
Sienna gasps at the mention of my dad coming back and I long to go to her again, to comfort her.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to either of you,” I say, my words filled with a conviction that I know I have to make true, even if I have no idea if I can. “Just please be careful, okay? Both of you.”
I wait until they both acknowledge my words with a nod, neither of them saying anything. I nod once in response, my eyes lingering for a few moments longer on Sienna before I reluctantly turn and walk back to my car.
Just as I reach it though, I hear her call my name.
“Reid.”
I freeze, slowly turning to her, my heart pounding in my chest. Sienna watches me, her hands in front of her, fingers twisted together. “Yeah?”
She swallows hard, glancing quickly at Caleb before turning back to me. “Be careful too,” she says, the words so quiet they barely reach me.
I nod, giving a small smile that I hope tells her everything I can’t say in this moment, before I reluctantly get in my car and leave.
Chapter Eight
Sienna
“What the hell is going on between you two?” Caleb demands as we both stand outside watching Reid drive away. It’s obvious this is more than just Ray Bowen’s involvement in our family that has caused this tension between Reid and me, and eventually Caleb is going to catch on.
“Nothing!” I yell out, the stress of everything eating at me. I tug a hand through my hair, stomping up the puddle-filled walkway to the house as my lips burn from the contact with Reid’s.
I wanted to cling to him, hold him so tight that he would never be able to walk away, but how do we even get past this? How do we move forward knowing everything we know? Our lives will never be our own and there’s no way Reid’s dad will suddenly walk away from a loss as great as the one we’ve incurred. He has no so
ul, no compassion and doesn’t care that we’ve been friends with Reid since we were little. He will ruin us.
All of us.
I realize how much Reid is risking by even being around me. It’s not safe and once his father finds out, it puts him in the same situation as Caleb and me. Being involved with me makes Reid part of my family and I don’t think Ray Bowen has any issue cutting Reid off or even taking out his girlfriend and his best friend. It’s obvious that Reid has chosen a side and that should speak volumes about him. It’s another part of this whole mess and more worry that weighs heavy on my heart and makes me think my anger with Reid is misplaced. He chose us, Caleb and me, over his own family, and now every time he goes back to that house, I fear it will be the last time I see him. I have no idea why I’m still putting him through this, putting all of us through this.
Caleb storms in the house after me, slamming the door as I collapse on the couch, worn down and exhausted by it all. But I’m sure he’s feeling even worse. He’s been dealing with this for the last two years without me, while I lived my life ignoring the mess I knew was unfolding at home. It was selfish and the guilt tugs me in different directions.
A part of me wants to run back to Hawthorn, disappear like I did over two years ago, and act like I’m not part of a family that is slowly being picked apart. But Reid’s dad will kill Caleb and that blood will be on my hands, too.
Caleb stands over me, his chest heaving, his eyes dark with fear and anger and confusion, everything I’m feeling mirrored back at me. I stand up and throw my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder as I cry. Everything in me aches, painful and broken and with each sob, the pain ebbs and flows.
It’s the kind of pain that lives deep inside you, inside your heart and your mind. It cripples you with doubt and worry and fear, and it makes it so you never sleep at night. It’s a pain so complicated that all you can do is run from it.