by J. P. James
My knees buckle, but Hayden and Hudson manage to catch me before my body drops to the floor. Their arms wrap around me as I struggle to breathe.
3
Hudson
“Wake up, Ricky,” I say softly above him.
Ricky’s been out cold for at ten minutes. Thankfully, the hotel had an available room on the same floor as the wedding. They helped us rush him into it, completely mortified that one of their guests collapsed on their watch. We tried to assure them that a panic attack isn’t the hotel responsibility, but thanked them nonetheless for the added hospitality. When we showed them our EMT badges, they let us be.
It’s tense in here, but Ricky’s breathing. It’s the only reason we haven’t taken him to the hospital. Also, it’s the only thing that’s kept me from punching a wall.
I stand while Hayden sits on the bed next to Ricky. He rubs circles into his temples, a small gesture that’ll hopefully convince his mind and his body to wake him up. He does look peaceful though. He was so nervous at the altar and I wished he could settle down. At least now, he gets few moments of peace before he’s thrust back into the fire.
“He’s in shock,” Hayden says.
I huff, and Hayden looks like he wants to punch me too.
“You think?” I finally tell him.
He rolls his eyes at my response, but I just roll my eyes harder.
“Don’t be a dick,” he mumbles. “It’s not as helpful as you think.”
His eyes return to Ricky, but his hands never stop their ministrations. We work our magic, whether or not it works, coaxing his body back to life. We used to do this when he’d sleepover as a kid. He always slept in, and we’d have to wake him up without freaking him out. It’s one of my fonder memories, and I replay as we wait for him to stir.
It doesn’t take long. After another ten minutes, Ricky’s hands and eyes start to twitch. His breathing becomes lighter, like his mind is surfacing from a deep sleep. He twitches slightly, especially his lips. They purse and pout, looking all kinds of adorable.
Damn. Why am I noticing his lips so much? Before I can dissect the thought, Ricky’s eyes blink open.
It’s the best thing I’ve seen in weeks. After everything that we’ve been through with this impending wedding and with Danny, seeing Ricky’s bright brown eyes feels like a weight lifting off my chest.
“Morning, Shnookums,” Hayden teases.
Hayden takes his hands off Ricky, but we don’t move just yet.
I can see Ricky’s brain go into overdrive. It’s processing everything at once, where he is, who’s around him, and how he got here.
“Shit,” he says, before he rears up on his elbows and tries to stand.
He makes it onto his feet…only to stumble the next instant.
Again, I’m there to steady him, my hands bracing him chest.
“Easy there,” Hayden says.
Ricky leans into my touch. For being a bit smaller than Hayden and I, Ricky’s chest is impressive. It’s lean, toned, and hard as a rock. He doesn’t way as much as I do, but keeping him upright isn’t easy either.
“What happened?” He asks without moving.
He lifts his face up to meet mine.
He looks…exhausted. That’s fair. What surprises me, despite his exhaustion, is the lightness I can see in his eyes. He’s confused, but also…carefree. Maybe that sleep did some good for him. Maybe our hands were helpful too. I don’t know why, but the thought of our hands bringing him peace makes my head feel that much lighter too.
“You don’t remember?” Hayden asks in return.
Ricky rubs his head, his eyes clamping down. He groans. He continues to lean against my hands. I guess he needs the support right now, and far be it me to turn him away.
“I remember the look of panic on Janine’s face,” he says quietly.
“I do too,” I tell him.
“Ditto,” Hayden chimes.
“I remember Cindy’s terrible voice in my ear,” he continues.
“I tried to listen but she looked like she was going to bite our heads off,” I remind him.
He nods.
Finally, he pushes off my hands. He stands upright, and his feet don’t give under the weight of his world.
“She told me Janine can’t go through with the wedding,” he whispers this time.
He hands his head, but his legs refuse to falter. I look past him towards Hayden. Hayden and I nod, and in unison, envelop Ricky in a hug.
We hugged like this a lot as kids. Sure, it was nice to get a hug from Ricky alone, but hugging with all three of us felt special. It was like a club, and we’re the only guests.
Ricky stands, but he’s still shaky between us. I squeeze harder around him, and so does Hayden.
“Janine took off?” He asks, his voice muffled by my shoulder.
“Yep,” Hayden answers.
I nod against his head to confirm.
“Someone said it was their first runaway bride of the season,” he muffles again.
“Don’t remind me,” I grumble. I squeeze harder, but this time it’s to keep my arms around him instead of flying out of the room.
“If I were still a teenager, I would have punched that guy in the face,” I grumble.
Hayden smirks, and then nods.
“One of Janine’s heels came off. Jane Buchanan found it in the hall on the way to the hotel entrance,” Hayden says, squeezing harder this time.
“Did she keep it?” Ricky asks. “She could probably sell it on its own and get enough for a steak dinner for two,” he jokes.
Hayden steps out of the hug. Ricky makes confused sounds until he sees where Hayden goes. Hayden heads to the corner of the room. He squats down and picks up a white object, cradling it as he brings it towards Ricky.
Hayden holds the glittery, white pump out for Ricky to take, but it hands in the air for a while. Ricky just stares at it. His eyes look scared, like it he touches the shoe then it’ll make everything that much more real. He clears his throat, and then looks at me.
“Should I go after her? Do I look for her? I don’t even know where to start?” He worries, his eyes clouding over.
“You could,” I tell him, biting my tongue before I say more.
Why look for that witch? I want to ask it, but I won’t.
Ricky rubs his palms together.
“D-do I,” he stammers, “I mean, do I even want to look for her? I don’t even know where to begin. She could be anywhere. I don’t have to work at the restaurant next week because I was supposed to be on our honeymoon, but I guess those plans are shot. Fuck! There’s a part I wanted to audition for tomorrow. I thought I couldn’t go but, hey, now that I’m practically a divorcee, I guess I can parade around a stage for an hour–”
Ricky devolves into a babbling mess, shouting until his voice becomes raw and shaky. He stays firmly rooted to the hotel floor, but he immediately breaks down in tears. He tries once to wipe them away, but gives up as his cheeks dampen more and more.
I don’t think twice. I wrap him tight in my arms. Maybe I half-believe I can squeeze the pain out of his heart. I know that’s not how pain works, but it doesn’t stop me from trying.
Ricky buries his head against my chest, and wraps his arms around my middle. He tries to do the same, I think, squeezing tight enough to chase away the aches.
It’s been years since we fenced, but he still has his muscles. His arms are strong. He could definitely break a smaller man in two. I look down at him. We rolled his sleeves up when we laid him on the bed, in an effort to cool him down. Now, I watch as the muscles flex under the skin on his forearms. He found time to tan recently, judging by the glow and slightly blond arm hair.
“Is Danny here?” He asks.
I look down between us, trying to see his face but he buries it against my chest. I find Hayden. He scrunched up his face too. He keeps his eyes on his loafers, clicking them like they’re the most entertaining thing in the world.
“Things didn’t
work out between us,” I say.
Ricky grips me tighter. “Asshole.”
Hayden hums, and sucks in air before he speaks.
“He said we were suffocating him, that we were too committed to him that it made him feel trapped. Now he’s frolicking across the globe, posting pictures with well-oiled locals on every beach he can find.”
I look up at Hayden, seeing all the sadness and anger in his eyes. He chuckles but it cuts somewhere in my gut.
“He’s having the time of his life. Funny, I was hoping we were part of that life. I guess not,” Hayden finishes.
He kicks the floor, and a loud scuff pierces the room. If I didn’t have Ricky here, I’d be kicking anything I could reach too.
I gaze down at the top of Ricky’s head. Come to think of it, Ricky is the only guy we’re committed to right now. We always have been, and he’s never had a problem with it. If only we could find a boyfriend that feels the same way. Honestly, truly, feels the same way, and isn’t just lying about it because they think that’s what we want to hear. Now we’re just two jaded guys, too caught up in getting hurt again to want to put ourselves out there. At least we have Ricky.
A wave of emotion comes barreling out of nowhere, and suddenly my throat constricts. Without Ricky, I’d be trying to punch the wall or flip over a table. I’d do something stupid and aggressive, and I don’t want to be that guy right now. All I want is to be here for Ricky and be his rock.
Ricky’s hand touches my cheek, feeling the dip underneath the bone. I look down at his face, and he’s watching me with baited breath.
“That asshole really did a number on you guys, didn’t he?” He wonders.
I clench my teeth, keeping the pain and anger inside my body and refusing to release it all over Ricky. I won’t be able to control my pain if I do.
“You bet,” Hayden says.
Ricky looks at him quickly, then back to me. His hand continues to rub my face gently.
“I wish I had known. I wish you’d told me, but I understand. I’m so sorry,” he tells us. “If there’s anything you need, let me help you.”
I tug Ricky closer, using him like on a bandage for my wounds.
“Thank you,” I say back. “We’re here too. You’ll get through this, okay?”
Suddenly a sob racks him, and Ricky’s shoulders heave in my arms. It shakes me from my thoughts, the good and the bad, and helps me focus on what’s right in front of me. My friend is in pain.
“Ricky, it’s going to be okay,” I tell him.
Hayden comes to rub at his back, not wanting to crowd the air unless Ricky goes into another panic attack.
“You have to calm down,” Hayden tells him.
At that, Ricky halts the next sob in his throat. He sucks in harshly, and holds his lungs like balloons full to bursting, and then the air rushes out as he pushes it from his body. He repeats the breathing until he lifts his head out of my shoulder and his red-rimmed eyes find mine.
“I feel lost. So fucking lost Hudson,” he rasps.
Fuck. I thought Danny broke my heart when he called things off with us. But nothing feels as bad as this. This isn’t boyfriends and girlfriends. This is real commitment, and we’re watching it fall apart in front of our eyes. Ricky’s fiancé left him at the altar. We don’t know where she is. I don’t see how anyone can salvage this wedding. Janine can’t undo running out on him. They can’t undo the proposal, no matter how much I wish they could.
It was really bad when Hayden and I left for college. Ricky cried into our shirts, holding onto us and begging us to transfer to NYU. We didn’t want to go there, and we already had our own paths mapped out. It was hard, but it also felt inevitable. In a strange way, knowing that it had to happen made it feel necessary. We were looking out for each other in the long run. Even if we couldn’t see Ricky and Ricky couldn’t see us, we were going on to bigger things.
This is different. I don’t know how to help Ricky recover from this. I don’t know, but I’ll try.
“What can we do?” I ask quietly. I don’t want to upset him more.
Ricky looks down at his feet, and I’m almost certain he’s going to break into another sob. I ready myself for it, holding him tighter.
He looks back up…and smiles.
I screw my eyebrows together, and lean back to try to understand what I’m seeing. Is he really smiling? After a near panic attacks, after the tears, he’s smiling. It’s a weak one, but it’s clear as day. Suddenly, his cloudy eyes clear up.
“Ricky?” I ask.
He pulls back, and walks to the bed. He doesn’t just sit on the bed, but dumps himself on it like a sack of potatoes. He takes more deep breaths, and the weak smile builds strength.
Against all reason, Ricky laughs.
“Hey,” Hayden tells him, coming closer to the bed. “You’re cracking, buddy. Stay with us.”
“You don’t understand,” he laughs, shaking his head.
“Then, please,” I start, coming closer too, “enlighten us.”
Ricky holds his head for a second, allowing the laughs to subside.
“I’m a spineless worm,” he says cheerfully, his friendly voice at total odds with his harsh words.
Hayden looks at me, showing me the same confused look that I’m currently sporting.
“You aren’t spineless, Ricky,” I say. “If you want to go after Janine, go for it. You aren’t spineless for wanting her after she left you.”
Ricky throws his hands at us like we don’t understand.
“I’m glad she ran away,” he says, before another pearl of laughter blooming from his chest.
He’s right. Clearly, we don’t understand. What in the world is going on?
He takes a full deep breath, and looks more peaceful than I’ve seen in years. “I didn’t have the guts to call this damn thing off myself.”
4
Ricky
“What the fuck, Ricky?” Hudson says, taking a step away from me.
Okay, not how I thought this conversation would go. Then again, I didn’t think I’d be having this conversation at all.
Hayden rests his hand on Hudson’s shoulder, probably sending a burst of calming twin energy into his brother. “Easy there.”
Hudson does as Hayden commands. His shoulders relax, only a bit, but enough that his mind seems to calm down. He looks at me, his eyes apologetic.
“Sorry, this isn’t about us. I know that.”
My chest rises and another laugh leaves me before I know what’s happening. Everything feels absurd, but maybe that’s exactly why I’m laughing.
“Trust me, I wish this weren’t about me,” I tell them. “I hate that all eyes are on me. Half of those guests pity me, and half wonder what I did to make Janine run away.”
“Ricky,” Hayden says.
I had let my eyes drift to the floor, but his voice brings my head back up to meet them.
“Which are you guys? Do you pity me, or blame me?”
Hayden leaves Hudson to walk towards me. His hand comes up to my neck, his fingers digging into the nape of my neck, grounding me.
“Neither,” he says confidently.
Hudson clears his throat, and my eyes shift to him.
“Neither, but we’re your best friends. You didn’t think you could talk to us? You could have called off the wedding,” Hudson says, wounded.
Guilt rise in my stomach like bile, and stays in the back of my throat.
“How do you tell someone you’re having doubts about your fiancé?” I ask them, genuinely curious.
I’ve been having doubts about Janine, about this marriage, for a while, but it’s not like there’s a good time to bring it up. Jack Sparrow talked about the opportune moment…screw that! There’s no such thing.
“I didn’t want to bother you guys,” I say lamely.
Hudson turns to punch the bed, and then bury his face in his hands. Meanwhile, Hayden stays close by, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. I can’t stand to see them like
this.
I feel tears, hot like boiling water, push against my eyes. My legs are wobbly, but I don’t want to fight gravity anymore. I drop to my knees, but Hayden moves too. His hands are on my shoulders, holding my chest up since my legs refuse to work. I really messed up this time.
“Who am I kidding? I never had the guts to do something like call off a wedding,” I tell them.
Hayden’s fingers grip my skin. It’s nice, but it also brings back an old memory. Sometimes the other meathead jocks would push me into the lockers, grabbing my hair and shouting slurs to me. They never did it in front of the twins. They knew better. I tried my best to hide it, but I never did anything about it. I’m spineless. I always have been and always will be.
“I’m just glad Janine has the balls I don’t,” I reiterate. “She’s a stronger person than I am.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” Hayden says.
Hudson grumbles. “He’s right.”
Hayden and I both look at Hudson. Hayden leaves me, and I swear he may just punch his brother.
“Take it back,” Hayden warns.
“No,” Hudson says confidently. “At least when it comes to this wedding, he’s right. Janine was the bigger person.”
“What do you mean?” Hayden asks.
Hudson looks at me, without an ounce of pity. All I see is anger. He looks back at his brother, but his finger points directly at me.
“He was going to commit his life to someone he didn’t want to be with, someone he doubted. Think about it. What if Danny had stuck by us another ten years,” he says hotly.
Hayden falters, and his eyes drop to the floor. He’s speechless.
I look between them. Even though Hayden can’t find a retort, I feel like the one out of the loop.
“What exactly happened with Danny? Did you guys have a fight?” I question them.
Of course, I remember Danny. I didn’t see him much, but whenever I came around their apartment, he’d be home. He usually stuck to his phone. He preferred to scroll through social media instead of talk, but he seemed nice enough. I certainly didn’t think he was the piece of garbage that he is now, but I guess we don’t always know the people we love.