by J. P. James
She steps back, and instantly prances around the room like a deer frolicking through open grass.
“There’s the ring, and the ceremony, and the venue, and the appetizers, and the violinist,” she sings, her voice sounding more and more agitated.
Suddenly she stops, and turns towards us, demanding our full attention. Her mouth is set in a thin line, and her eyes are dark.
“Everyone focuses on this stuff, and lose sight on what really matters. It’s about a union. It’s about love,” she says hotly.
Sarah’s words hit my heart harder than I anticipated. I look over at Hudson. He might be more upset than I am. He’s clutching his suit jacket as if he wants to physically pull his heart out of his chest.
Danny comes back to my mind like spoiled fruit. Danny really had us fooled. He fed us every line we wanted to hear, and then pulled the rug from under our feet. He said he was ready for commitment, but he was the farthest from it. Sarah’s right. Commitment is what matters most, and yet people forget all about it. They do what they think they should do, or simply go with the motions and ignore what’s in their heart. It may seem innocuous to some, but this is exactly how hearts get broken. It’s why Hudson and I are still putting ours back together.
Ricky sighs, throwing every thought of Danny to the side. I refocus, and see him struggling to accept Sarah’s opinion. After a moment though, he drops his shoulders. She won.
“I’m too tired to argue that right now, Sarah,” he tells her. “I just need to know what happened with Janine.”
Sarah chokes, but quickly regains her composure as she studies Ricky.
“You’re serious, aren’t you? I came here to ask you the exact same question,” she warns.
“What do you mean? You’re her best friend,” Ricky tries, but Sarah holds her hands up.
“And you’re her fiancé, Ricky. I have no idea what happened,” she explains.
I didn’t think it was possible but Ricky’s shoulders slouch closer to the ground. He looks two steps away from crawling into fetal position. I walk up to Ricky, and try to bring him upright as I take his shoulders in my hands. He stiffens at my touch, but tries to straighten with me.
“What happened when the music started playing?” I ask.
Sarah shakes her head. “We were all prepped, ready to go. Janine looked happy. I guess she was quiet during her makeup session, but she gets quiet when she’s nervous. Everything seemed normal, until,” Sarah gulps, the memories on replay before her eyes. “When the doors swung open, she ran.”
Ricky stays upright, but he leans into my hands. I give my arms the tension he needs, bracing his weight with my hands. He sighs heavily as he settles against me.
“She’s gone,” he whispers.
Ricky isn’t crying, but Sarah almost does as she studies his face. She takes a quick step closer to Ricky, to both of us. Her eyes flick to mine quickly, and then to my hands on his shoulders.
“I promise I’ll find her, Ricky. I’ll be Elmer Fudd and she’ll be Bugs Bunny,” she tells him.
“Doesn’t Elmer Fud not catch the bunny?” Hudson asks.
She rolls her eyes, and her hands fly in the air. “I needed an analogy fast, sue me! Look, I’ll get the skinny from Janine, one way or another,” she vows.
She comes up, and pulls herself against him until their hugging. I lift my hands off him, and watch as Sarah holds him steady, how I hoped she would.
“Thank you,” he says quietly.
He pulls back. He holds his own weight as he wordlessly thanks her again, his grin wide and eyes glassy.
“Ugh, today has been too dramatic, even for me,” she declares, cupping Ricky’s face and squeezing once. “I’ll let you know the second I hear anything.”
She steps back. I half expect her to dash out of the room, but her eyes find mine again. She holds her hand out at me. She takes in the confused look on my face, and smiles.
“Your phone, please,” she tells me. “I’ll give you my number, in case you need help with Ricky.”
I fumble for my phone and hand it over. Her fingers dance over the screen, and in seconds, she shoves it back in my hands.
“I don’t doubt Ricky’s in good hands, though,” she tells us. She smirks mischievously, “I mean, whatever I walked in on, sure seemed like good hands to me.”
Ricky chokes. “I told you, it’s not like that.”
Sarah looks at him over her shoulder.
“In that case, if you and Janine don’t work this out, do you remember Cassie O’Hare? She was a year younger than us at NYU, and she’s been dying to hook up since she saw you perform Macbeth our junior year.”
Ricky doesn’t say anything to that. He only chokes harder as he tries to catch his breath. I pat his back, and with that, Sarah rushes out of the room, her pink hair flashing by us. Sarah’s a lot, that’s for sure, but I’ve never been so grateful to have a complete stranger’s phone number in my life.
6
Ricky
Hayden and Hudson agreed to escort me home. Hudson bought his Lincoln sports car earlier this year, but this is the first time I’ve been able to ride in it. I wish the circumstances were different though.
In an alternate universe, the guys and I would be taking it on a long weekend, Hayden cheering Hudson on and me gripping the leather in the backseat as Hudson takes every turn at 80 miles per hour.
Nope. That would have been too easy, too dreamy to come true. If I’ve learned anything about my life, it’s that my dreams aren’t supposed to come true.
Instead, I’m taking a walk of shame but in a car. Drive of discomfort, I guess? After talking to Janine’s parent’s though, it was this, or the Rolls Royce they rented for our wedding departure drive me home.
Hard pass.
“Did I mention I appreciate the ride?” I repeat for the tenth time since we left the hotel.
“Please, Ricky. Shut up,” Hudson says over his shoulder.
His words don’t have any bite to them, but his hand comes up over the center console and rests on my knee all the same. He squeezes tightly before he lets go.
“I can’t believe I’m leaving my own wedding, unmarried, questionably single, with the worst migraine of my life,” I grumble.
I lean into the seat, wishing it could portal me to a desert island or New Jersey. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere will do.
“I said shut up,” Hudson tries again.
It’s a quiet drive back into the city, but my mind buzzes with questions. I know Hayden and Hudson can feel my tension, if for no other reason than my incessant fidgeting in the backseat. Seriously, why do leather cushions have to squeak?
They don’t say a word though, so my mind continues to run circles in my brain. The main one being…what the fuck did happen in the hotel room?
Well, I know what happened. We kissed, separately, and then all together. Just as things started to spiral, Sarah walked in on the action. Those are the facts, the concrete, physical evidence of what happened. I guess a better question is why it happened. Not to mention, the scariest question at all lingers in the very back of my head. What does this mean for us?
I don’t have any more answers than when I started this drive, when Hudson pulls up to my apartment. I live on the Upper East Side. Janine’s parents helped me secure this place, but they wouldn’t let Janine move in with me. There were a number of reasons, but the main one they kept insisting upon was that this side of town was beneath their daughter. I’ve been here since we graduated, building my life here. Janine’s spent half that time here, building her lift with me. I thought we were building a life together, but that thought feels brittle and childish now. I have a thousand plus memories in this building, but now I don’t know what any of them mean anymore.
I must have been trying to works things out a little too long. Hayden’s hand touches my knee, bringing me back to the present.
“We’re here,” he says gently.
I know we’re here, yet it isn’t until he s
ays the words that something real and raw settles in my chest. He keeps his hand on my knee, rubbing a circle into it with his thumb. I look at the rear-view mirror. We lock eyes. I hope he can see how appreciative I am, because I can easily see how soft he’s staring back at me.
A question blooms in my mind. I shouldn’t ask, but my tongue is feeling loose. I’ve already had a terrible day, and I don’t see how this could make it any worse.
“How do I compare to Danny?”
The twins both turn to look at me. Hudson jerks his hand away, but he keeps his eyes soft on me.
“What kind of a question is that?” Hayden asks.
I lick my lips and watch their eyes dart to my tongue.
“The kiss,” I explain. “I know you kissed him a thousand times, compared to my one. I’m just curious how they compare.”
Hudson shifts in his seat, settling against his wheel as he continues to look at me. Hayden’s hand goes to the center consul, playing with some loose change.
“Well?” I prod.
I sound like a fool and I don’t care. I know what I want them to say, but I don’t know if it’ll just my imagination.
“He was a great kisser,” Hudson starts, “but I’ve never felt lips like yours.”
Hayden gulps, dropping one of the pennies with a clank.
“I felt more kissing you than I did kissing Danny.”
Hearing them makes the hair on my body stand straight. My cock twitches in my pants, and I shift slightly to cover it.
Fuck. I didn’t know I needed to hear that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my insides keep churning and spinning out of control. It isn’t just my stomach, but my entire inside feels hot and bothered.
“You’re a better fencer than Danny too,” Hudson adds.
I snort in the back seat, causing them to turn and shoot me warm grins.
“Well, at least there’s that,” I tease, but the butterflies don’t stop fluttering around my stomach.
I’ve never felt like this before. I’m not sure I even know what to do with this information, but it makes me feel giddy and nervous all at once. It’s another few moments of silence before I realize their waiting on me.
I guess I can’t stay in this car forever, so I clear my throat, pull my mind out of the gutter, and reach for the door handle.
“Thank you, guys,” I tell them, peeling my eyes off them and onto the floor.
I unbuckle my belt. Just when I think I’m off the hook, Hudson turns to the car off. I glance back to the mirror, but Hudson stops me.
“We’ll walk you up,” he declares, and unbuckles his own belt.
My cheeks flush and I can’t do a thing about it. All my thoughts from the car come back to life. That’s stupid, I tell myself. You’re their friend. It helps tamp down some of the burn, but only a little.
I should have refused them, but I’m spineless. I’ve already established that. Plus, it’s a Sunday night, which means it is Giorgio’s night at the reception desk.
“Signore Stephens,” Giorgio cheers.
He greets me the second we step through the doors. His gaze hardens as he sees not only my disheveled state but also the two broad strangers at my sides.
“Evening, Giorgio,” I tell him.
“Signore, isn’t it your wedding night?” He wonders. “Where is your Signora? Is everything okay?”
Giorgio means well, but he likes to pry. He always has.
“Mrs. Stephens had a family emergency,” Hayden says, “Ricky has a very important audition tomorrow, so she insisted he stay and focus on that.”
Giorgio’s face softens and he nods pleasantly.
“Signora Stephens is a good woman,” he tells us.
Giorgio means well, but his words cut likes knives. If Janine were such a good woman, than why would she leave her fiancé at the altar? I want to paint the question on a banner and wave it on high for Giorgio to gawk at from his desk. I love Janine, but she’s so far from a good woman right now. If Giorgio were to truly understand then he’s realize he doesn’t know a thing about her and, apparently, neither do I. That realization hurts worse than anything else does.
I hold it together as we make our ascent, despite Giorgio’s words. He thinks the world of Janine, and it makes me want to vomit. I know Janine left me at the altar, but I can’t shake the feeling that I fucked everything up. I’m the reason she left, aren’t I?
We take the five flights of stairs slowly. Whether they don’t want to disturb me, or whether their lost in their own muddled thoughts, Hayden and Hudson don’t say a word until my keys click and the door to my apartment creaks open. Hayden and Hudson stop behind me, waiting for me to illuminate the room. I hadn’t left ay lights on, so I have to fumble a bit in the dark until I reach the switch.
Soft, yellow light fills the space. It’s always been a calming shade, but nothing about this apartment brings me comfort now.
There are boxes scattered everywhere. There’s at least a dozen in the kitchen alone, plus giant ones stacked in the living room. The TV is swathed in bubble wrap, leaning up against the far wall. Thick, wool blankets cloak the couch, duct tape keeping the layers secure around the monstrous furniture.
“This is the last week on my lease,” I explain. “Since I was going to move in with Janine.”
Hayden and Hudson step forward on either side of me. They walk around the living room, ducking their heads into the kitchen and down the hall that leads to my room. Now that I think of it, they’ve only been here a handful of times. I’ve been working my way through the food world, waiting tables at high-end restaurants by night, and auditioning during the day. EMT’s have hectic schedules too, and they can change week to week. We’ve mostly met up at bars, sometimes for dinner, sometimes brunch. We carve out time between the breaks in our lives, so I’ve never been to their apartment before. We really haven’t seen much of each other since high school, and the fact hurts me. How can these guys mean so much to me, and yet I let our friendship go by the wayside?
“There’s no way you can stay here tonight.”
I jerk my head up, having let it fall to the floor, and lock eyes with Hudson. His words settle in the room, firm and unmoving.
“What?” I ask when I realize he’s serious.
Hayden nods, turning towards us from the bedroom hallway.
“There aren’t any sheets on your bed, Ricky,” he tells me.
I guess I was more eager to pack than I thought.
“I didn’t want to leave packing to the last minute. I have a towel I was going to sleep on,” I explain.
It sounds crazy, even to me. I convinced myself that sleeping on a towel would be fine. Hayden and Hudson look at me like I’m crazy.
“You need somewhere comfortable, but preferably cozy,” Hayden goes on.
Hudson chuckles. “This place is a mess.”
His voice is casual, honest, and brutal all at once. It’s everything I need to hear, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. Hudson’s right. It’s a mess, and it’s not just the apartment.
“My whole life is a mess,” I gasp.
I fall to the floor, my knees hitting the ground hard before the guys reach me. They don’t pull me up, but their hands do their best to sooth the tension. I try to focus on their touch, but sob after sob consume me. My body shakes against their hands.
“Breath, Ricky,” Hayden whispers.
“My life is a disaster,” I whisper back.
Hudson’s hand comes to my chin, pulling my face up to meet his.
“Stop torturing yourself,” he demands.
It helps a little, his strong voice piercing a cloud in my mind.
“Not only was I stood up. I’m homeless,” I tell him.
His eyes are soft, but his hand holds my chin firmly. I focus on the contact, mixed with Hayden’s gentle ones in my back and arms.
Hudson shakes his head, and my eyes follow the movement.
“Stay with us,” Hudson asks. “I’m not taking no for a
n answer.”
I don’t say anything, but I let Hayden and Hudson pull my up off the floor. When they gather my clothes, some toiletries, and a box marked Important from the bedroom, I don’t stop them. I stay quiet, my mind latched onto the thought that, very soon, I’ll step into their apartment for the first time.
7
Hudson
“What kind of tea are you in the mood for?” Hayden calls as he steps into the kitchen.
I watch Ricky beeline for the living room. He groans loudly as he plops his limp body onto the loveseat.
He grumbles into the cushion, but lifts his head to ask, “What’s best for a broken heart and a weak constitution?”
I know it’s been a shitty day, but I grin as I pad over to the larger couch opposite him. My jacket goes the way of my shoes, in a pile by the ottoman, before I settle down into the cream leather.
His eyes find mine, but when he sees me smiling back at him, his glare deepens.
“A hot toddy with lemon,” I offer, quirking my eyebrow.
He tilts his head, his eyes softer now. “Really?”
He isn’t joking. Far from it, his voice sounds pleading, wondering if I’m offering an actual cure all for his terrible day. I wish it were that simple, but Hayden and I both know that a drink won’t cure a broken heart. He watches me, sees my expression fall, and I watch as his eyes lose that glimmer of hope.
I can’t have him spiraling out of control again. He really needs to relax, as best as he can, if he’s going to get a good night’s sleep before his audition.
“Nothing will take away the pain. But, I’ll drink one if you do,” I tell him. “Drinking is always better with company.”
Ricky buries his head in the cushion, groaning once more loudly, before he lifts his head. “Fine.”
“Coming right up.”
I hear the burner come to life. Hayden paces the kitchen, grabbing all the necessary ingredients that’ll hopefully end this day on a good note. Ricky isn’t the only one that needs a break.
He sits up, his eyes roaming around the room. It’s weird, but even though this is the first time he’s been here, he looks like he fits. I follow his eyes, trying to imagine what he’s seeing. For two guys living off union salaries, we got lucky finding this two-bedroom in Midtown. We live on the second floor of our building, a prewar hotel conversion. It has all the charm of the turn of the century, but with two of my favorite amenities: running water and electricity. We’ve come a long way from our childhood bedrooms. It’s taken a few years but our space suits us. There’s lots of wood, from the floors to the furniture, but we splurged on a sleek plasma TV. Our couch is bright and sturdy, and contrasts nicely with muted color scheme. When I come home from a long shift, I feel like I can grab a beer, kick my feet up, and just relax.