by J. P. James
She smiles, folding her arms across the table. “Sex is the best way to get over a break up. Get back on the horse, right?”
I groan, just as our waitress comes back with our drinks. “First, I don’t want to talk about sex and horses in the same conversation. Second, I don’t even know what Janine and I are anymore. And third,” I say, gesturing as I raise my sparkling wine and take a large gulp.
“Wait! I know,” Sarah shouts, and then collects herself when a couple patrons turn to look at the outburst. “It was Cassie, wasn’t it? You took her up on her years-long crush, right?”
The sparkle in her eye dies when I shake my head, but she collects herself and racks her brain for another answer.
“Fine, I slept with someone, but I’m not saying who,” I state firmly.
“You know I’ll just let my imagination run wild,” she warns.
Truth is stranger than fiction rings in my ears, but I shrug and repeat, “I’m not saying who, and that’s that.”
She grumbles, but her mood brightens when the waitress arrives with our scallops.
“What’s your name again?” Sarah asks gently.
The girl flushes a similar shade of lava red as me, but smiles brightly back. “I-it’s Colleen. Let me know if there’s anything else you need.”
Sarah’s eyes drag over Colleen as she walks away. This time, when our eyes meet, I’m the one eyeing her suspiciously.
“She cute,” Sarah says matter-of-fact.
“She is,” I concede. “You can get her number before we leave, but you’re the one that dragged me here today. Please, give me all the Janine updates. I’m dying for answers.”
Sarah cuts a small piece of her scallop, dips it in the lemon beurre blanc, and places it in her mouth softly. She savors the mouthful, and flicks her fork my direction to join her.
I take a bite. It’s good. It’s actually one of the best things I’ve ever tasted, but the drama of this past week also taints the flavor.
“I think this is what heaven tastes like,” Sarah says before taking another sip of Prosecco.
“If I agree, will you tell me about Janine?” I ask, bordering on beg.
She rolls her eyes, takes another bite of her meal, and settles down. “Fine, but you have to give me one more high-five in return.”
I hold my head in one hand while I bring the other up. She smacks mine out of the air before she continues.
“I’m not lying about Janine being a mess,” Sarah says, the look of pity in her eyes again. This time, it’s for Janine.
“In her message, she said she didn’t plan any of it. You know Janine can flake on plans. Consider the wedding her magnum opus. She said her mind went blank, but she ran into the streets and didn’t stop until she settled into the Double Down Saloon and got royally pissed in her wedding dress.”
I listen intently, forgetting the meal in front of me. I have half a mind to order another Prosecco, but I don’t want to miss any of the grueling details. True to form, Janine stood by her convictions. In this case, she ran out on me because, well, that’s what Janine does. She forgets to go to class, she skips out on her finals, and she runs off on her wedding day. She lives in the moment, and does everything in the moment too. I know that, and yet being on the receiving end of it makes me feel like a fool.
“I really am an idiot, aren’t I? I should have known a wedding was too good to be true,” I bemoan.
Sarah sighs, grabbing my hand again. “For the tenth time, you are not an idiot. Janine loves you, but she freaked out. She said she’s been crying buckets since that day.”
Sarah eyes me sweetly, but it’s not enough. I feel more lost than ever, and I don’t know how to find my way home. I take my hand away from her, gritting my teeth and trying to fight back tears.
“She hasn’t tried to contact you at all?” Sarah asks gently. There’s no judgment, just a simple question.
It hurts all the same. I shake my head, and the tears push harder against my eyes. I take a deep breath, and fight the emotions creeping under my skin. I know where and when I can let go, and it isn’t here. It’s back at the apartment, in Hayden and Hudson’s arms.
“I want us to be okay,” I tell Sarah once I feel like I can control my voice. It’s shaky, but it works.
Sarah nods, and takes another bite of food before she presses. “You know, it is okay for you to hook-up. You and Janine need to discuss what’s next, but until then, I’d consider this a stale mate.”
I nod just enough that Sarah notices the movement, but not enough to seem eager or hopeful.
“Thanks, Sarah, for reaching out,” I tell her.
Her lips turn up. Her smile is small, but knowing. “Just remember that you guys have history, and despite what she did, you both still mean so much to each other. When she does reach back out, don’t write her off, okay?” She wonders, her hands pressed together like a prayer.
“If she ever reaches out, you mean,” I correct her, but she shakes her head.
“Trust me. She still has feelings for you. Alison and I broke up five years ago, but it took me two years of therapy and skateboarding to recover. Feelings don’t turn off and on, you know that,” she challenges me.
I hear her, I really do, but my brain has trouble processing it. I should have every right to wash my hands and be done with Janine, but Sarah has a point. She took care of me, and I took care of her. We have history together, a history of affection, love, and loyalty. I don’t want to feel lost anymore. I’m ready to move on, to put the past behind me, but I also need to know what place Janine has in my future.
My phone buzzes on the table, and I grab it before Sarah tries to paw it away from me. She grumbles, and I flash a quick smile.
“Is it Janine?” She wonders.
I stare at the latest addition to our group text, reading and then re-reading it until my heart catches up to my eyes.
In the spirit of exploration, we thought we’d take you out on the town. There’s a place we’ve been meaning to take you.
Hudson’s text pierces my heart like a laser beam.
“No. Sorry Sarah, I need to answer this.”
My fingers feel like jelly as I move them across the screen. Still, I have one question that’s burning a hole in my brain and I need it out before I burst into flames.
As long as this date isn’t a ride along in the ambulance, I’m down…Am I right to assume it’s a date?
I clear my throat, and then take a few bites of my scallops to distract myself. Sarah looks leery, but I can’t help it if my appetite finally came back to me. The second my phone buzzes I tap the screen, my heart soaring with Hayden’s response.
You bet your pretty ass it’s a date.
11
Hudson
Whenever kids come to tour the firehouse, their reactions are always the same. There are the classic oohs and ahhs, plus ever-popular wows and no ways. Once a kid saw the firetruck up close, and then proceeded to string together every curse word he knew. I laughed along with the rest of the crew, but part of me laughed because the firehouse lost its grandeur for me years ago.
“Holy shit,” Ricky says as he stares up at the fireman’s pole.
I chuckle, and hear the same noise come from Hayden to my left. Ricky turns to look at us, his eyebrows knit together.
“Come on,” he pleads. “How are you not in awe at this place every day?”
Hayden puts his hand on Ricky’s lower back, ushering us towards the back of the building. Hayden’s always been better at talking, so he leads the conversation, as well as the tour of our firehouse.
I don’t mind staying quiet. I like to listen to Ricky debate the safety of an open hole in the floor with a pole sticking out of it, and also watching Hayden roll his eyes at him. For now, though, my mind latches onto Ricky’s first assessment.
I haven’t been in awe of this place in a while, and it’s a shame. The firehouse is massive, but I don’t see it that way anymore. I hardly notice how big the place is because I usually ha
ve to focus on tasks, or run out on a call. Looking up now, I have to really crane my neck to take in the high ceilings above us. The red brick of the house and signature red of the fire engine go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peas and carrots, but I hardly think about that either these days. I see men and women everyday who are ready at a moment’s notice to give their lives to protect this city, but I haven’t considered that in over a year.
I knew it’d be nice to show Ricky our firehouse, but I didn’t think it’d feel like this. This feels therapeutic. Ricky is seeing everything for the first time, and watching him allows me to see things anew. For all his insecurities, Ricky always sees the good in others and the world. It’s easy to let the city harden you, but I get the feeling that Ricky can introduce us to new things.
“Jones!” Says a familiar gruff voice behind us. It comes around the corner through the living quarters.
Sean Flanagan walks out of the doorway, smile on show as he walks closer to us. Sean also comes from a long line of firefighters, dating back to when his family first emigrated from Ireland. He still has the same glowing red hair that I’m sure his great-great-grandfather sported, plus a full beard and chops. He’s taller than Hayden and me, and he’s a few inches wider too. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s a firetruck in human form.
Flanagan rubs the sleep from his eyes, yawning as he crosses towards us. He shakes out most of the sleep, and then fixes his eyes on Ricky and holds his hand out to him. “You look like a fish out of water.”
Ricky takes his hand, and I swear Flanagan about shakes his arm clean off his body. Ricky steadies himself before he responds, but he laughs lightly back. “And you look like you’re completely in your element. Hell, you look like a firetruck.”
My eyes bulge and Hayden fully breaks out laughing, holding his sides when they start to ache. Sean just stares at Ricky for a few moments, face unreadable. Ricky looks scared for only a second, but Sean puts him out of his misery and pulls him into a giant hug.
“And you look like you belong in high school, young man. Did these guys kidnap you?” Sean chuckles as he smacks our shoulders.
“Lay off him, he’s with us,” I tell Sean. “This is Ricky Stephens. He’s a childhood friend of ours.”
I catch Ricky’s face as it falls, and I watch his eyes twitch like he’s been hit over the side of the head. He looks hurt, but as soon as I have the courage to ask about it, he smooths out his face and flashes a smile. It’s not real, but Sean doesn’t know that, and carries on the conversation. Still, did Ricky not like what I said? It’s true. We are childhood friends.
Then again, we’re definitely more than that now. My heart thumps in my chest. Maybe he bristled because he doesn’t want to be known as the friend. Maybe he wants people to know he’s more than that.
“Sorry about what happened,” Sean says closer to Ricky, without announcing it to the entire station.
Ricky’s eyes go wide in surprise, but he recovers quickly.
“Thank you, Sean. I’m getting through it,” he says simply.
Sean nods and takes it as his cue. He goes back to the living quarters. We head up the stairs, on our way to the rec room.
“Does everyone know about me?” Ricky asks us under his breath.
My heart thumps again, but I push it aside to confirm, “You mean about Janine?”
Ricky nods, his head hanging a tad lower. I reach out for him, patting his lower back lightly for support.
“A few people, but only the ones we’re closest to,” Hayden says as we step onto the second floor. “We didn’t want anyone to pester you too much.”
Ricky presses back into my hand. At the same time, he reaches his hand up to Hayden’s bicep and squeezes gently.
“Thank you,” he whispers as we enter the room.
The rec room, again, looks like any other non-descript room to me these days. It’s a treat to see Ricky’s face brighten with delight.
“This place is huge,” he comments. “For a public service building, you guys have one of the nicest kitchens in the city.”
Hayden looks at me over Ricky’s shoulder. Ricky’s oblivious to the looks we’re sharing, but it is better this way. I recognize Hayden expression, and there’s nothing but warmth for our guy.
Shit. I shove the thought of our guy to the depths of my mind.
This is exactly why Ricky shouldn’t see us like this. Hayden and I haven’t talked about how we’re feeling, but I can tell we’re in trouble. Ricky’s only been staying with us for the last week, but I don’t want to think about him apartment hunting again. It reminds me that I already don’t want him to leave.
“Hey you two,” another familiar voice beckons from the doorway.
We all whip around at the voice, but only Hayden and I march our way towards the other set of twins walking into the room.
“What in the world?” Ricky asks, smacking his hand to his forehead.
I laugh as I pull Jameson in for a hug, and see Jordan do the same to Hayden. When we pull apart, we all get a good laugh at the dumbfounded look on Ricky’s face.
“I’m sorry,” Ricky says as he collects his jaw off the floor. “I didn’t realize the fire department clones its servicemen. Probably helps with burnout, right?”
Jameson steps forward first, smile set on his smug face.
“It does. When we’re not in use, the station gives us cocoons to hibernate in between shifts. It’s a cushy life for a clone.”
Ricky instantly relaxes. He steps closer too, bringing his hand up to shake Jameson’s. He isn’t having it though, and scoops Ricky up into a bear hug.
“I didn’t know firefighters were so handsy,” Ricky tells him. The rest of us laugh as Jameson puts him back down.
“I like to think of it as friendly, but you are with my cousins so you better be friends,” Jameson teases.
Ricky looks at us, his eyes lit up like Christmas lights. “Cousins?”
I gesture between the guys, making introductions like a line cook preps dinner. “Ricky, these are our first cousins, Jameson and Jordan Jones. Jameson, Jordan, this is our childhood friend Ricky.”
Ricky clears his throat, and pockets his hands quickly. “I guess heroes run in the family?”
All of us nod in time. Ricky laughs at what he must think is the genetic proof in the pudding. Ricky looks nervous too. His hands are fists inside his pockets, and his jaw looks tense.
“You alright?” Hayden asks first.
Ricky gulps, looking between each of us. His tongue prods the inside of his cheek, but then he huffs and gives in to the comment he fought to withhold.
“It’s just, uh,” he tries, “I’m standing in front of four nearly-identical, godawful handsome guys. I feel like Jack Black to your Dwayne Johnsons.”
Jordan and Hayden laugh hardest, while Jameson and I share a mirthful look. Ricky’s not wrong. My cousins are good-looking guys. Then again, they have the same dark hair and blue eyes as Hayden and I have. I must have a narcissist complex too.
Before I know it, we all settle on the couches near the far end of the rec room. There’s a TV and foosball table, but Jameson and Jordan both look too tired for that. Plus, they have a lot of questions for Ricky.
“So, how are you feeling?” Jordan asks.
Ricky considers his question, probably wondering if he’s asking about Janine. He is, but Ricky should answer however he feels comfortable. It’s no one’s business but his.
“Like wood sent through a wood chipper, but I’m gathering the splintered pieces and gluing myself back together. Does that make any sense?” Ricky second-guesses himself.
Jordan and Jameson nod eagerly.
“Don’t we know it,” Jameson responds. “Our lives were crazy a few months ago, but things always settle down.”
Ricky smiles, and glances at Hayden and me before he returns to our cousins. Jameson doesn’t miss the look, and fixes me with a teasing glare as well.
“Is it hard working here?” Ricky says
as he relaxes.
Jameson tilts his head to and fro, and then clicks his tongue. “Not really, but some days are better than others. Our boyfriend is a huge support system, so that definitely helps.”
Here’s the reaction I’d been waiting for. I was wondering when they’d bring it up, and have been eyeing Ricky since we sat down.
Ricky pauses for a good, long moment, before he finds the words. “Our boyfriend?”
Jordan nods, and gestures to Hayden and I. “Jameson and I are both dating the same guy, similar to what Hayden and Hudson had with Danny. I can’t imagine my life without him.”
Ricky curls his lips under his teeth. He’s biting back his emotions, but which ones exactly, I can’t tell.
“You sound like you’re in love,” Ricky comments.
Jameson chuckles. “It’s hard not to love Fyre Connell, but I’ve been told I’m based.”
Jordan chuckles as Ricky gasps into the otherwise quiet room.
“The Fyre Connell? The singer? No shit!” Ricky says excitedly. “I heard about how new agency. He’s a badass in my books. I’m an actor, and watching another performer take charge of their career like that inspires me.”
Jordan and Jameson choke, but look fondly at Ricky. It takes them a second to compose themselves, hit with such a striking compliment for their partner.
“The one and only,” Jordan confirms. “He’s one of a kind.”
Ricky’s eyes land in his lap, his head shaking slightly as he takes in the breadth of information. He finally looks back up, his eyes swimming with questions.
“It works for you guys? The whole, you know, polyamory thing? I’ve never tried it, but, I don’t know,” he says, clasping his hands together, “I guess I’m curious.”
Jameson eyes me again, but shifts his gaze quickly. He knows. Whether or not he’ll say anything, I don’t know.
“It works for us, and it works for Fyre too. Poly relationships are all about communication and honesty. You have to know what you want, and not be ashamed because society thinks you’re weird. Just be who you are, and be honest about it.”