by J. P. James
As Hayden and I walk silently to the firehouse, my mind drifts to Danny. Yes, I would have taken him back. I wasn’t lying when I told Ricky it’d be an easy decision to make. It would have been the wrong decision, but the one I would have made regardless.
16
Ricky
I held out hope that Hayden and Hudson would come home. They needed to calm down. If they could take a step back and remember the last three months, I was sure they’d come back to me.
I stayed on the couch until 4 am before I gave up. I threw myself in Hudson’s bed. I couldn’t bring myself to get under the covers. I didn’t deserve to feel any comfort. I hurt the two guys that have helped me out the most.
I woke up two hours later, feeling like I floated through semi-consciousness instead of actually sleep. I spent most of the night tossing and turning. I shouldn’t be surprised I didn’t sleep a wink. Not to mention it’s hard to get comfy when you can’t stop crying.
Just when I wish for something to distract me from my headache, my phone pings from the nightstand.
I recognize that sound as a new email. It might be spam, but I need something to help drag me out of this bed. It takes me far too long to lift my head off the bed, but I eventually manage it. I slowly reach for my phone, dropping it on the ground along the way.
“Shit,” I groan.
I throw myself over the side and grab it quickly, my head reeling nonstop. Once I settle back onto the bed, I rest it on my chest and force my eyes to focus. I read the email, but the words are just a hodge-podge of letters. I blink to clear my vision, but the second it returns I wish it hadn’t. The words stand out like graffiti on a freshly painted fence.
Cancelled.
I scroll to the bottom of the casting email, reading word for word the explanation for the dropped audition. According to the casting director, the director hired an outside actor and chose to nullify the need to audition any young hopefuls like me.
I throw my phone across and room and slam my body onto the sheets beneath me. It’s too soft to hurt, but I wish it did. I want to feel anything besides the pain in my head. First, it was Janine, and then it was the twins. Who knew something as small as an email would be my breaking point?
I thought I cried myself out last night, but I spend the next hour blubbering into Hudson’s pillows.
Thinking about the terrible night I had, I must be a glutton for punishment. That’s the only explanation for how I ended up here, standing outside the fire station at eight in the morning. I can barely open my eyes because they’re so puffy. I feel like the physical embodiment of a salt lick. How horses aren’t flocking to my side is beyond me.
I’m standing outside the station like I have a right to be here. I don’t. I fucked up big time.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’m confused. They know I’m struggling. I’m trying to accept myself, whatever I am, and they’ve been patient with that. But they saw Janine kiss me. They saw me take it without batting an eyelash. What should I expect? If I saw Danny kiss them, I’m not sure I’d be able to quiet the voices in my head either. No matter how much I care about them, my insecurities would tell me to walk away too.
I walk inside the main lobby and march up the stairs to the rec room. One of the trucks is gone, so most of the guys must be attending to an emergency in the city. Maybe they went with them. I don’t remember their schedule this week. I might be wasting my time here, but something pulls me up the last few steps. I think it’s hope.
I step quietly through the doorway, glancing around the room until I spot the two bodies sulking in the corner. There’s a sitcom on TV but it’s muted. Hayden has his head in the clouds, obviously looking pat the screen. Hudson has his head in his hand, rubbing lines into his forehead.
“Hey,” I say barely loud enough for anyone to hear me, yet both of them whip their heads in my direction.
They don’t look any better than I do. Hell, they look like they didn’t both trying to sleep. Maybe they watched TV all night, or played foosball until their brains turned to soup. They’re stoic, almost statues carved into the cushions.
They watch me as I step towards the, but I stop a meter away to give them the chance to back out. I don’t want them to leave, but I’m intruding. I want to see them, but something tells me if I push too hard now, I could push them away for good.
“Don’t you have an audition this morning?” Hayden asks.
Instead of the usual butterflies I’d feel, his comment only makes everything hurt more. Even if they don’t want to, they still care.
“It’s not until 10 am,” I tell him. “I have time. This is more important.”
Hudson leans his head back on his hand, but keeps his head up to look between us.
Something crazy comes over me, but I drop to my knees in front of them. They straighten up in their seats, watching me like I’ve just done some deranged circus trick.
“Listen to me,” I beg. “Please.”
“Hey Ricky,” a familiar voice calls from the doorway.
I turn and watch Sean walk into the room, but he nits his eyebrows together when he realizes I’m on my knees.
“Did I just walk in on something kinky?” He asks, a slight grin crawling up his face.
The twins groan. I turn around and watch Hudson stand first, followed by Hayden.
“Let’s go outside,” Hudson offers.
They don’t wait for me, and I scramble to my feet and dash off after them. It is a quiet walk out of the station. There aren’t many people as it is, but it makes the silence that much more obvious.
Once the sounds of the city come back, my shoulders roll off some of the tension, not all of it but a little. We circle around a lamppost, away from most of the other pedestrians.
“What do you want?” Hayden asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
Hudson matches his stance, but keeps his arms crossed behind his back. It makes his chest look more impressive, and equally intimidating.
I haven’t felt like this with them before. I always thought they were better looking, more confident, and more graceful than I am, but I’m their friend and I never felt threatened by any of it. Given what’s happened, I just feel more like a piece of shit in front of two wonderful human beings.
“The kiss was unexpected,” I start to say. Immediately I hate every word out of my mouth. I feel like nothing I say will come out right.
They don’t nod and don’t say anything. Their silence is too much. As much as I hate everything about myself, including whatever word vomit I might spew, I hate the silence more.
“Everything was unexpected, the kiss, Janine, all of it. I hadn’t heard from her. I had no idea where she was staying.”
They stay silent and their eyes fix on mine. They aren’t saying anything, but they aren’t running away either. I push the guilt and shame down in order to keep talking.
“Please understand,” I say, before I choke on my words. I cough because my mouth turned to sandpaper. Both of them flinch but don’t touch me.
I know what’s coming. These words might sound childish and naïve. These words might sound timeless and elegant. It all depends on how patient the twins are with me. More than anything, they’re the words that matter the most.
“I’m in love with you guys.”
They both lean back. Maybe the words hit them like a slap in the face. Maybe they sound like music to their ears. Either way, my words affected them. I feel the flame of hope lick up my back, and I press forward.
“I want to make our relationship public. I’m ready to come out. I want the world to us for what we are, what I want us to be. I am committed to this relationship.”
When Hudson chokes on his breathe, it resembles an iceberg breaking off into the vast ocean below. Hayden’s mouth goes slack, and his eyes water.
“You’ve been so patient with me, but I don’t want to hide anymore,” I continue.
I reach my hands up slowly, still unsure if they’ll accept my touch.
When I reach for their hands, they don’t resist as I clasp them in mine.
“I want to stand on the street and hold your hands. I want people to see us,” I say before I bring their hands to my lips and kiss them.
Hayden wipes away the water from his eyes, and then snorts to pull back his emotions. Hudson takes a deep breathe, finding control from somewhere within him.
Then they pull their hands away.
Mine grasp the air. I wonder for a moment where the rough skin and calloused fingers went, before I hone in on reality. They pulled away from me.
“I’m in love with you too,” Hudson says. “But I’m not sure this will work.”
Hayden nods, pocketing his hand in his jeans. “I’m in love with you Ricky, but you clearly love Janine too, whatever that means. We think you should figure that out first.”
I shake my head, trying to make the nightmare go away. When my head starts hurting, I still and let the world crash around me.
“Is it because I might be bisexual?” I ask, my voice sounding hard and careless. “Are you mad that I might be bisexual?”
They shake their heads vehemently.
“We aren’t that close-minded and you know it,” Hudson growls.
I step back, looking into the eyes of two wild animals.
“We don’t want to put labels on you. They’re yours to claim. We just don’t want to get dragged through the mud,” Hayden says.
“Would you be happier if I were gay though?” I press them.
Hudson clenches his jaw. “I’d be happy if you didn’t string people along while you figure out where you stand with your ex.”
“I’d be happy if you were honest with yourself, and honest with the people around you. No one likes getting hurt,” Hayden adds.
My shoulders slump as their words seep into my skin. I really am a piece of shit.
The station sirens start to blare, the noise echoing of the buildings.
“Shit, we have to go,” Hayden shouts.
I step away from them, and they watch me cautiously as I make myself as small and insignificant as possible.
“Go. There are better people worth saving than me,” I tell them.
The siren calls again. I can hear the men inside hustling to grab their stuff. The truck engine roars to life, but Hayden and Hudson hold still a moment longer.
“What do you want from us?” Hudson asks.
My fists clench as I think. It feels like the genie has granted me a wish, and I need to make this one count in order to get it right.
“I want time. I’m still figuring all this out,” I tell them. “Please, just give me a little time.”
Hudson raises his hand and squeezes my bicep. This time it isn’t comforting or reassuring. It feels like goodbye.
“You stay at the apartment. We’ll bunk at the station until you figure out what you need to know.”
Hudson lets go. They dash off into the station as the sirens blare. I watch as their truck pulls out of the building. They ride down the street, off to save whomever needs saving.
I don’t know how long I stand there watching, long after they rounded the corner out of sight, but my phone ringing is what brings me out of my nightmare. It’s an unknown number, but I pick it up anyways.
“Hello?” I ask as I bring my phone to my ear.
The voice on the other end forces my jaw to drop.
“Fyre, hi!” I shout, sounding too cheerful to be real.
I listen intently as Fyre talks my ear off. He flies through his words. By the time he’s done, though, I feel like I’ve finally caught my first break.
“I’ll be there. Send me the script, and I’ll be there.”
I hang up and run to the nearest print store. The twins are usually right, but today, I’m the one in the know. The guys can’t always save. When push comes to shove and I’m on my own, and the only person that can save me is me.
17
Hayden
The tires shriek under our ambulance, leaving skid marks as we veer off of 34th Street and onto 7th Avenue.
I sound the siren again, the noise piercing the city like radioactive particles ripping through atoms. He rolls through the intersections, and it makes my nerves stand on edge. Everyone ducks out of the way, cars and taxis and bicyclists alike. No matter how fast they are it’s never fast enough. There are lives at risk. It is only a few seconds longer, but every one of them is precious. Seconds can mean the difference between a successful response, and a failed one.
“We’re a couple blocks away,” I announce.
Hayden nods vigorously but keeps his eyes glued to the road. He scans the streets for traffic while I scan the horizon for a sign of the damage.
“There!” I yell.
It’s obvious once we cross 23rd Street. There’s a firetruck at the end of the block, the hose already hooked up to a hydrant right in front. It’s a small victory, but we’ll take it. My eyes draw up, glued to the still faint gray smoke plumes rising from the brownstone. They look like miniature skyscrapers ambling to compete with the real things.
As I hop out of the vehicle, Jameson comes running out of the building. There’s ash on his uniform, but he looks unharmed. The mask covers most of his face, and he aims for the street like there’s nowhere else in the world to go. He’s holding an old man under his arm, helping them to move as fast as possible without running his old body into the ground.
As they descend the steps, I get a better look at the two of them. My eyes fly wide open.
“Sidney,” I say, my voice chilled to the bone.
I run to Sidney’s side, taking some of the weight off Jameson while we lower him to the ground. I lay his head gently on the ground. Hudson pulls the oxygen tank from the back, dragging it up the sidewalk like it’s a toy.
“I have to go back inside, his wife is still in the building,” Jameson warns.
Sidney shudders under us. I wave Jameson away, and he flies back up the steps.
“J-jane,” Sidney gasps.
Hudson hands me the tank and I waste no time. It’s over Sidney’s mouth in seconds. He grasps it without all his might, but as soon as the oxygen starts flowing, he relaxes under my grip.
“Sidney, you’re going to be alright. You hear me?” I ask him, my voice strangled as I watch him fight the pain.
Sidney tries as hard as he can, but he struggles to take in air. His breathing shallows and I watch him slip into unconsciousness.
“Sidney,” I call him to come back.
His eyes shut and his chest stills.
For a few seconds, I let time dictate what happens. It pulls Sidney farther away from me, holding him in the balance while my mind struggles to function. I think about all the memories I made with this man. I think about him as the guy who put a sword in my hand, like I’m reading his obituary before it’s been written.
“No,” I whisper.
I lean up, crouched on my knees to get a better angle over Sidney. I interlace my fingers and bring my palms over his sternum. His chest is warm but so still, he resembles a fresh body. I think back to the bicyclist from the other day, but I shove the image away as soon as it appears. If I’m going to help Sidney, I need to focus.
I shove his chest, forcing time out of the way and taking control of his life.
“We’re getting Jane out of there,” I tell him. “That means you have to wake up old man. You’re both going to be alright, so just breathe. Damnit, that’s your only job right now. Keep breathing.”
I don’t want to break a bone, but I keep my rhythm up. I train my eyes on his face, searching for a sign of life. He looks so pale now, even though it’s almost noon. My hands are shaking, but I hold tight to my task. I have one job, and that is saving Sidney’s life.
The next hit to his chest, Sidney gasps into the mask.
“Yes, yes,” I say breathlessly, trying like Sidney to regain my composure. “That’s it. Come on, Bucky. Come on.”
I slow my rhythm until he lifts his arms. I st
op CPR but I keep my hands on his chest.
“Can you hear me buddy?” I ask him.
Sidney nods slowly, and my heart comes back to life with him.
He keeps his eyes open so I know he’s alive, but he goes still as he focuses on the breathing mask. I can see him concentrate, his only tasks dragging air in and out.
Just then, Hudson drags the gurney onto the sidewalk. When he sees the man I have in my arms, he jolts and punches the soft bedding next to him.
Please, let Jane be okay, I say over and over in my head. Don’t let this sweet old man lose his soulmate like this. I pray to every god that Bucky and Jane get through this. If they don’t, I’m not sure I’ll be able to either.
Seconds can mean the difference between life and death. It might sound cliché but I see it almost every shift. It is the difference between a safe evacuation, and a deadly one. It is the difference between the guy hooked up to an oxygen tank and the guy zipped into a body bag. Not to mention, seconds don’t feel the same when you’re running on adrenaline and testosterone. Each draws out longer than the last, until time loses meaning. All that matters is what happens when Jameson runs out of the building.
As Jameson runs through the doorway with Jane under his arm, the hands of time click back to life.
“Jane!” I call.
Hudson is already at Jameson’s side, and Sidney does his best to lift his body up so he can see his wife.
“Easy, she’s alright, easy,” I tell him, holding his shoulders so he doesn’t try to stand. He could pass out from the movement alone.
Jameson and Hudson lay her next to us. Tears streak down her face as she locks eyes with Sidney. His hand shakes, but he reaches out for hers. They thread together like must have done for the last forty-some years.
“I love you,” he says weakly.
She mouths I love you back to him as Hudson places the breathing mask around her face. Success, my brain screams. We’re not out of the woods, but we’re past the deadliest hurdle. The hose rains above us, spraying the building as a light mist fans itself over us. My eyes linger on their joined hands. They’ve each been through something traumatic, but they have each other by their side so they’ll be alright. The thought stays with me as the pair continues to pull air into their lungs.