Amanda threw her work phone in the basket, ignoring the several voicemails she’d received in the last twenty-four hours. Her ad made it abundantly clear that they were to ring back if she didn’t pick up. No text messages, no voicemails. And she was not inclined to call them back if they couldn’t follow simple instructions, as invariably those were the ones who didn’t play by the rules anyway. Besides, she was too busy shitting herself at the prospect of meeting up with the girls. She couldn’t do it. She’d lain awake all night last night, going over the last twenty years and the life she had led, wondering how on earth she could tell them about the car crash that was her life. Nothing had turned out the way she planned and, whilst she knew it wasn’t her fault, she had never really stopped feeling guilty about kicking Pete out, or embarrassed about the fact that Zennor was so quick to move in with her dad when he came back. Had she been that bad a mother? Had Zennor hated her that much? She’d tried calling her again this morning, still nothing. Why couldn’t she be the kind of mum that Zennor wanted?
No. She couldn’t do it. It had been a mistake to think she could. She didn’t have the energy to hide who she really was, she didn’t have the words to explain what was going off with Zennor and she had no idea what else to talk about. Besides, George next door needed some shopping doing, after the community nurse had gone. Maybe she could do some of his washing too. She’d noticed he seemed to be wearing the same shirt and trousers for days now, if not longer. Then maybe she could come back, clean the house, cook a roast. Karenza might like to come round and share it with her, she loved a roast dinner.
Amanda poured another coffee from the machine, turning Madonna’s Immaculate Collection up on her stereo, skipping round the kitchen like a 1980s, big-haired Madge. Without the big hair. Or the bank balance. Her personal phone pinged this time so she turned the music up a notch. ‘Borderline’: a song she was not entirely surprised to realise she still knew all the words to. The knot in her dressing gown loosened as she danced, and by the time ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ came on she’d theatrically dropped it to the floor, pleading with her ‘papa’ that she was going to keep her baby. Her phone pinged out again so she danced into the lounge, leaving phone, dressing gown and dignity behind.
Jess
‘She’s not read the text,’ said Jess, checking her phone again. ‘It’s delivered but not seen. And it is only twelve. By Amanda standards, that’s not that late. How long do we wait to call her, make sure she’s okay?’ Jess looked down at her phone as the girls placed an order with the skinny-jeaned, bearded waiter.
‘Nah, don’t worry yet,’ said Lolly. ‘Like you say, it’s not late by her standards. She was always late. Do you remember when she nearly missed Maths GCSE because she was binge watching videos of Friends and totally lost track of time?’
‘Oh, god, yes! She loved that show, didn’t she? Do you remember she tried to give herself a Rachel haircut?’ said Emily.
‘Oh my god! I’d forgotten that,’ screeched Lolly. ‘She wore a hat for weeks after that, didn’t she?’
The girls, laughed. Jess relaxed a little.
‘It was never that bad, but she was mortified, wasn’t she? Oh, god, it all seems so bloody long ago.’
‘It was. But clearly not long enough for her to have learned the art of timekeeping,’ said Jess, with a smile.
‘Nah, she’s still got at least another half hour before I’d start to worry,’ said Lolly.
The waiter placed their drinks order down before them. ‘So don’t judge me, but I’m starting with a tea. That said, I can’t promise I’m staying dry, ladies.’
‘It’s like that, is it?’ said Jess, realising how nice it was to see Lolly’s smiling face.
‘If you’d heard my husband this morning, you too would be on the bottle.’
‘Mine’s the peppermint, thank you,’ said Emily, taking it from the waiter then smiling politely, placing her hands on her knees. Jess wondered if Emily had always been like this and she’d forgotten, or if life had buttoned her up.
‘So, ladies. Where do we begin?’ asked Lolly.
‘Tell us about your kids,’ said Emily.
Lolly flicked through photos on her phone, chatting happily about her two boys. How Ted was the feisty one and Stan was more like her. How she adores them though they drive her crazy.
‘And what about your husband?’ Emily asked, sipping at her tea.
‘Do you remember Andrew Trevelly? From school?’
‘Andrew Trevelly?’ pondered Emily.
‘As in Trev, Andrew Trevelly,’ said Jess. ‘Cheeky grin and sparkling eyes.’
‘Ha! Yes, that’s him. Though I call him Kitt, long story to do with Knight Rider, anyway, yeah, well, we’ve been together… sixteen years. Ish.’
Jess watched as Lolly talked about her husband. There was a fondness when she talked about him, but she was less animated than when she talked about the boys. That’s motherhood, Jess supposed.
‘Didn’t you two snog down by the river at my 16th that time?’ asked Emily.
Jess stiffened. ‘Yes, we did. I wasn’t at all impressed. In fact, it took a lot of flirting on his part before I gave him another crack at this apple. We’ve had our ups and downs, like anyone does, I guess. I mean he drives me to distraction, but I love him. Which, you know, is handy.’
‘Very handy. Considering he’s your husband.’ Emily sounded surprised.
‘Oh, you must know what men can be like though. Surely! Come on, Emily, tell us about your life, the jobs—’
‘The men,’ interjected Jess, clumsily joining in because as awkward as this felt, Matt’s words rang through her mind.
‘Oooh, yes, the men. I bet you’ve met some gorgeous ones in your line of work. Are you with anyone? Did you get married? Have kids?’
Was Emily squirming, or protecting the privacy of an A-lister? It was hard to tell from her mumbled response to Lolly’s question.
‘And what about you, Jess? What have you been up to?’ Lolly’s voice spiked suddenly. ‘Oh my goodness, it’s so nice to see you both. I just want to hear about everything since we all last met.’
‘We should keep some of this for Amanda,’ said Emily. ‘We’re going to have to repeat ourselves if she doesn’t hurry.’ She looked at her watch, then over to the door.
‘Agh! I can hardly bear the anticipation,’ said Lolly, clapping her hands in glee.
Emily smiled, then sipped at her tea. ‘It’s nice in here, isn’t it,’ she said, reaching for the menu. ‘Food looks good too. Have you eaten here?’
‘Not for years, it was always yummy, but eating out is bloody expensive with kids too. And on my wage… it would definitely be a treat.’
‘What is it you do?’ Emily absentmindedly dunked the teabag that floated in the glass teapot the waiter had set down before her. ‘Didn’t you want to be a nurse?’
‘I did. I’m in physio now. Mostly post-operative care.’
‘Wow, amazing.’
‘I like it. I feel like I’m helping, making a difference, you know.’
‘Of course.’
The conversation stalled. Emily topped up her tea. Lolly blew across the top of hers. Jess remembered that Amanda had always been the one to fizz things up between them. She was like Zebedee, or Tigger, all jumpy and giddy and full of stories. If Jess was going to do what Matt said, and reconnect with these women, they needed the old dynamic. They needed all four of them together. ‘This isn’t right, without Amanda. Hang on, I’m calling her.’
Amanda
Madonna stopped singing and Amanda’s personal phone rang in the kitchen. She was now feeling guilty… and a bit like she was missing out. They’d loved each other, was that it? The first kind of true love for someone outside the family. Someone that wasn’t a love interest. Just real, true love without the strings and the complications. Once upon a time, she wasn’t sure she could have breathed without them by her side.
She padded through to the kitchen. There was a voicemail. They were allowed on he
r personal phone.
‘Hey, Amanda. It’s Jess. We’re all here. We’re desperate to see you, to catch up. Is everything okay? Are you on your way? Text me what drink you want and I’ll get it in. I’m guessing you’ve probably moved off snakebite now?’
Snakebite. Lager, cider and blackcurrant cordial. It had been so cheap to drink and so great at getting her smashed, she had regularly taken pints of that when they were out. It was so nice that Jess remembered. What else would she remember? The time they nicked a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 and hid down by the viaduct to drink it? Amanda had been so consumed by guilt at lifting from their local shop that she went back the next day and left the right change for the bottle, just casually round by the postcards and the pasty-shaped soft toys. Did Jess remember the time they sat in her bedroom listening to Boy George and Soul II Soul? Did Jess and Lolly remember Monday nights in The Loft drinking Smirnoff Ice, a few years after Emily had gone and before Jess went travelling? Actually, could anybody remember those nights?
Amanda missed them. She actually physically missed them. They’d been her heart and soul when it mattered. She could deflect the questions; she’d been doing so for years. These were her friends. If she left now and ran, she could be there in five. They’d never know she’d had second thoughts.
Emily
Having left Amanda a message, the women had picked up the small talk. Discussions about how Truro had changed. How they hadn’t been to the Masked Ball in years. How the new roads up at Temple were making all the difference. It was polite, middle-aged chat. Touching on subjects, but not really getting into opinions. Were Jess and Lolly as nervous as Emily? She had really hoped it wouldn’t feel like this. She’d really wanted to meet up with them and for it be like old times. People talk about that happening, about real friends not needing to stay in touch because you pick up where you left off. Today had always been about reconnecting. About building her friendships and putting down roots. She’d been nervous, she’d worried it might have been a bad move, but her gut had told her not to panic. Instinct had said she should meet them. Yet somehow, now she was sat in front of them, she felt unable to let go. She kept catching herself, arms folded, mouth tight – even in a smile. She listened to Lolly talk about her husband and kids and all she wanted to ask was, how was it really? Could she do it on her own if she had to? What was being a mum like? Lolly seemed so happy, so settled in life. And Jess, in charge, on it, the epitome of a career woman. Her destiny in her sights. She was so strong and in control, it seemed to Emily. Yet how could she be intimidated by the person she had once confided in – about everything. Jess had been the one they’d all talk to. She was the steady, stable one. The one that made stuff happen. She knew everything about the girls before the rest of them and so often offered up some good advice and a calming influence. What about Emily had changed to make Jess’s demeanour so intimidating?
There was a ding of a text and Jess jumped on it. ‘Amanda says she’ll be here in a minute,’ she said, putting her phone back down. Was she relieved too?
‘Have you seen much of her, Jess?’ asked Lolly, which made Emily feel bad at the fact that she’d lost touch with all of them. She’d left them all behind when she went to L.A. She’d promised to write letters, but never did. She wasn’t allowed to call them because of the cost, even though money wasn’t really a problem to her dad. She’d never got the chance to come back when she was young, not until work started picking up and she could pay for the trip herself. That she’d never made contact on her visits back; did it make her a bad person? Did they think she didn’t care? Had they talked about her after she left? Did they judge?
Had she judged when they all stayed put? Maybe, she thought, if she was honest. They chatted and she listened and she wished she knew how to open up, even just a little bit.
Ten minutes passed before the door flung open with a gust of air. ‘Now come on you lot! What’s this? Tea?’ a familiar voice boomed. ‘Because, as far as I’m concerned, the yardarm has passed in some country somewhere and I therefore see no reason not to get on it.’
Amanda stood proudly before them, her face brimming with mischief. She’d changed, got older maybe, wiser in the eyes perhaps, but it was still so obviously her.
‘You’re here!’ Lolly squealed like she always could, jumped up and flung her arms around her. Amanda grinned over her shoulder at Emily. Emily shifted in her seat. This was it. This was the four of them. Back together again.
‘Come on, get up, give us a hug,’ she instructed Jess, who dutifully complied.
Emily knew she’d not get away with staying where she was so shuffled around the table to give Amanda a hug too. She felt warm, her hug was strong and full of love. Had she always been a hugger? Emily couldn’t remember.
‘Sorry I’m late ladies. I was dancing to Madonna in my kitchen and totally lost track of time.’
‘You hated Madonna!’ said Jess, sitting back down.
‘Nah, I think I just thought it was cool to hate Madonna. She’s incredible! I wanted to go see her a few years back but it would have meant leaving Cornwall and who wants to do that voluntarily?’ Emily dropped her eyes to her drink, fiddling with her nails. ‘Apart from you, Lady Emily of The Emmys.’
‘I don’t know if my leaving was voluntary…’
‘Well, whatever it was, you’re back here now. How the bloody hell are you? What brings you here? Has the career nosedived?’
There was a pause in the banter. Jess looked wide-eyed at Amanda, Emily opened her mouth, not sure how to respond. Of them all, Amanda had always been the one to call a spade a shovel if it made for a gag. There was silence, then a snort, followed by a belly laugh from Lolly, ‘Oh my god, Amanda! Rude! You kill me!’
‘I always killed you,’ Amanda replied, with a grin.
‘You did.’ Lolly nodded, taking a drink. ‘You did.’
‘I’ll have a large Sauvignon Blanc, please,’ Amanda shouted to the waiter behind the bar. ‘Anyone else?’ she asked.
‘Yes! I’ll have one. Why the hell not,’ said Lolly.
‘Maybe in a bit,’ said Jess.
‘Not for me,’ Emily said, wishing more than anything else in the world for a long, cold drink of wine or gin or a cosmo. Or maybe a Martini. On the rocks. Anything to take away the nerves.
‘Come on then, what have I missed? I was joking about your career, obviously, Emily, but how come you’re back? What’s going on? What’s going on for you all?’
Jess
Jess was relieved to see Amanda. Whilst Lolly had always been the talker, she was now reminded Amanda had always been the one to lift them all. She always had something to say or a story to tell. Jess could remember the times she’d defer to Amanda when it came to making small talk with boys. It wasn’t that she couldn’t talk to them, more that Amanda was so vibrant with it. Was she still like that? It would appear so from the energy that followed her in just now. She fizzed and sparked, always had. Jess remembered feeling envy at that, back when they were kids. Would she feel that now? Would Amanda’s energy brighten her own light, like it had once upon a time, or could it dim it now? She remembered what Matt had said about her reconnecting, finding ways to diversify her life. Were these women the ones to help her to do that? They were familiar strangers at the moment, maybe too much time had passed.
‘Come on then, Amanda,’ said Lolly. ‘What are you up to these days? How’s Zennor?’
‘Ahhh, she’s okay. Yeah. Good. She lives with her dad.’
‘No way! He came back?’ Lolly looked open-mouthed at Jess and Jess raised her eyebrows conspiratorially, just like they always used to.
Amanda laughed to herself. ‘He did. Yeah. Like some saviour, he returned and Zennor, like so many of us before, was wrapped up in his charm within seconds.’
‘Pete was many things, charming being just one of them,’ said Lolly, with a hint of lust in her tone.
‘Which one was Pete?’ asked Emily, to Amanda’s relief. Faking the chat was harder if
she didn’t know who she was talking about.
‘Pete. Pete Lennon. Tall. Dark.’
‘Handsome?’ Emily smiled.
‘If you like that sort of thing,’ said Amanda. ‘You won’t remember him, Em. We met him after you’d gone. On the morning after the night we celebrated my eighteenth.’
Lolly had a sudden jolt of memory. ‘Yes, we called him Chapel Porth Pete. We went down for a breakfast baguette and he chatted you up over the cheesy mushrooms.’ They’d gone to mop up their hangover with one of the beach cafe’s infamous breakfast baguettes and some surfer charmed the pants off Amanda within seconds. ‘He was hot, I remember that.’
‘As I say, if you like that sort of thing.’
‘If I remember right, you very much did like that sort of thing!’ Jess raised her eyebrows in Amanda’s direction.
‘If you remember right, I very much did like that sort of thing with pretty much anyone who had a pulse.’
‘God, I was always so jealous of you!’ said Lolly, saying out loud what Jess had already been thinking.
‘Jealous? Of me? Whatever for?’ Amanda slugged her wine back. ‘Ahh, that’s better.’
‘I don’t know, you were always so confident in that department. So comfortable in your own skin. I loved that about you.’
Amanda took another large gulp of her drink. ‘What’s the point of being anything else? I’m fabulous, darling.’ She grinned at Lolly who shook her head in admiration. ‘We all are! Aren’t we?’
Jess couldn’t remember the last time she actually felt ‘fabulous, darling’.
Lolly sighed, wistfully. ‘I like to think I am fabulous sometimes and then I catch sight of myself in a mirror and realise my mother is staring back.’
‘No! Don’t do that!’ said Amanda. ‘Don’t bail out like that. You’re gorgeous. We’re just all getting older. We should be embracing it, not picking fault. Christ, it’s not gonna get better, we might as well love it all regardless.’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 12