Amanda’s breath caught in her throat as she saw a familiar number flashing up.
‘Go on, answer it. We can be really quiet, can’t we, girls!’ Lolly said. Jess laughed with her. Emily smiled. Lolly’s eyebrows were practically at the back of her head and Amanda fumbled to cancel the call. ‘If it’s the same person their text said they had to talk to you. They practically begged!’ she said, blowing on her drink. ‘Oooh, oh… maybe it’s that guy that Zennor caught you talking with? Did you exchange numbers?’
‘Nah, he doesn’t have my number. It’s probably nothing.’ Amanda put her phone on the coffee table. Her hands shook.
‘Nothing?’ Lolly laughed. ‘Nothing that’s turned you all wobbly!’ she said, nudging Jess, delighting in an opportunity to wind Amanda up. ‘Since when have you been embarrassed? Come on, who is it? Tell us? Tell us everything!’
‘Tell us everything? Christ, Lolly, we’re not kids any more!’ Amanda barked.
The girls went quiet and the mood shifted in the room. Amanda stood up feeling a bit faint and a bit bad because Lolly looked stung and it was no bloody wonder. ‘Logs, we need more logs.’ Amanda hurried out, no doubt leaving them wondering what the hell had just happened. How on earth could she erase the last few minutes because whatever the reunion had been unfolding into, she had likely just put the kibosh on it. She fussed around in the understairs cupboard trying to regain composure.
There was a pause before she sensed someone behind her. ‘I was just kidding, Amanda. Sorry… I didn’t think…’ Lolly’s voice was small.
‘No, no it’s fine. It’s nothing.’ Amanda waved her away. ‘Ignore me. I don’t know where it came from. Hormones probably. Have you found them getting worse? Like in the last couple of years, I’ve definitely noticed…’
Lolly peered at Amanda who was half talking to her and half rustling around in the cupboard. Only when she saw her take a sniff did Amanda realise the cupboard held a pair of those stinky trainers she was working on and the smell was creeping out from behind her. She shut the door quickly, ushering Lolly back into the lounge.
‘Logs?’ Jess reminded her and Amanda wondered if her tone was a bit protective somehow. Was she defending Lolly? Who now looked like a lost lamb as she sat nursing her tea on the sofa.
‘Yes! Logs. I think I have some in the back.’ Her phone started ringing again and she could tell the girls tried not to look at who was calling. Well, apart from Lolly, who just stared at her feet. Amanda reached for her phone, cancelling the call and turning it off. If that was him, what the hell was he playing at? Did he want Lolly to find out? Had he been worried about what Amanda might say? Maybe Amanda should be more worried? And yet with them all here, in her room, the last thing she wanted was to lose them all over again. ‘Back in a minute.’
She went through the kitchen into her back room, shutting the door behind her. She looked at her phone. Three text messages in the last hour. Plus a voicemail. She threw it on the bed they’d had sex in only a few days ago. She looked around the room, a room she was usually proud of. She had supported herself and had a bit of fun in the process. She had acted out her own fantasies and those of other people. She wasn’t just someone sleeping with other people’s husbands, which is all it would look like to Lolly if she found out now, under these circumstances. Though maybe there was no way Amanda could present this that made it look any better. Because people didn’t see the good that she did. The men who’d got to forty, still virgins. Men with disabilities, men who found it difficult to connect with women. She’d lain there with men who just wanted to feel connected, no physical exchange other than a cuddle and a talk and the understanding that that was all that was needed. It wasn’t always like that, there were the men who took advantage and the men who messed her around. The men who thought it was okay to push on when she’d told them no and the men who’d take what they wanted then abuse her in a fit of post-orgasm guilt or anger. But it was a job, her job. And fundamentally, it was a job she loved. Amanda knew what people thought of women like her, and the men who used her services, but they weren’t all like Kitt, that was for sure. And she wasn’t going to be dragged into the stereotype by a client with his own agenda.
She had to recompose. She had to gather herself and focus. She needed to get the girls to leave because the mood had changed and if Kitt was going to keep ringing, who was to say he wouldn’t just turn up on her doorstep. She took a deep breath and headed back into the lounge.
‘Girls, I’m really sorry. This is awful, but… that phone call. It was… well, I need to sort something. I’m so sorry, I just… I can’t explain right now. I hope you don’t mind, this has been so lovely. Seeing you all after all of this time.’
It was Lolly who got up first, Jess passed her coat. Emily gave her arm a squeeze.
‘Can we do this again?’ asked Amanda as the girls gathered their things and headed for the front door. There were murmurs of agreement but she couldn’t help thinking they sounded polite more than committed. She’d blown it. No question.
Emily
By the time Emily and Jess had walked her up to the taxi rank, Lolly was smiling. They had all agreed that Amanda had always had her moments. Just as she could bring the party, she could end it too. And they all knew that sometimes she’d been one to keep things from them so why would it be any different now. It had been a source of frustration in the past but given that Emily hadn’t come entirely clean about her own life right now, she didn’t feel in much position to judge.
‘Bless, Lolly,’ said Jess, waving her off in a cab. ‘She’s not changed much, has she?’
Emily smiled. ‘No, not at all. It makes me wonder if any of us have, deep down, I mean.’
Jess looked at Emily, almost studied her, which made Emily feel uncomfortable. Exposed somehow. She was used to being looked at, but usually people were scrutinising her hair and make-up, her chosen outfit. Jess though, Jess seemed to be looking into her soul almost. ‘You were quieter than I remember,’ she said.
‘You think?’ Emily started walking, though she wasn’t sure in what direction.
‘Definitely. You were never that quiet when we were younger.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that. Besides, I enjoyed watching, learning about you all, you know. I was the one to leave. Maybe I’m a bit of an outsider.’
Jess grabbed Emily’s arm. ‘Wait on, I don’t think any of us look at you that way. Is that really what you feel?’
‘I don’t know. It’s been quite nice not to be the one getting all the attention… is that a bit humble braggy?’
‘Not at all. I can imagine it gets tiresome, being in the public eye.’
Jess had no idea. Emily wasn’t one of the super-famous but even she grew irritated by the assumption that she was public property, just because she did a job that occasionally pushed her in the public gaze. ‘I shouldn’t complain, not really. I’m walking this way, what about you?’
‘Yeah, me too.’
Jess and Emily wandered toward the bottom of Pydar Street in a comfortable silence. Emily replayed the reunion, considering what it might be like to raise a child with three brilliant women as godmothers. Because the more she thought about this baby and her new life back in Cornwall, the more the idea appealed.
Eventually, Jess asked, ‘Is life good for you, Emily?’
Emily peered into Waterstones’ window. She’d not read a book in ages, she missed things like that. ‘Yeah. I guess so. Life’s… okay,’ she said. ‘I mean, I’m back here to make some changes, so you know…’
She walked on. She wondered what the bean in her belly was doing. Did it move as she moved, or was it rooted to her insides? How tiny was it? Did it hear her yet? She knew nothing about babies, about pregnancy. Perhaps she should start looking it up. Except the more she thought, the more she warmed to the idea, the more real it became, and she knew she was going to have to face up to the reality that, probably, Jackson had a right to know.
Before the silence
forced her to expand, she heard a voice behind her. ‘Hey, Emily, how are you doing?’
She spun around to see Mac standing before her and Jess. He was grinning widely. ‘Oh! Hi!’ They stood, smiling, and Emily noted what a joy it was to see a familiar face, someone who didn’t want to air kiss and feign interest like back in New York. ‘What are you up to?’
‘It’s Mum’s birthday in a couple of weeks. Popped in to find a present.’ He paused, looking at them both. ‘Yeah… well, I’ve not been in town for ages. Do you know my mum’s aunty was born in the houses up Walsingham Place? I remember going there as a kid to visit. All wonky floors. Just been past now on the way to Mallets and they’re all offices, it’s bonkers. That cafe’s good though, behind the car park. Apparently if your name is Richard you get free coffee today.’
Emily smiled at Mac’s chat. He had much more to say today than he had the other two times they’d bumped into each other. ‘Great day for Richards.’ She laughed. ‘I was just meeting up with old friends.’ Mac looked at Jess. ‘This is Jess, an old school friend. Jess, Mac, he lives in the village.’
They each nodded a hello.
‘Hey, I’ve got some more fish if you want it? I’ll bring it already filleted this time, eh. Wouldn’t want you turning green again!’
‘Oh, ha! No, it’s fine. I’m… I’ve still got some left.’
‘Poor Emily, I was trying to do her a favour, help her out. Mum had said she was trying to lay low for a while.’ Emily noticed Jess’s eyes flick back to her when he said that. ‘So I took a load of mackerel up to hers, nice bit of fresh out the briny. But the second I cut them open, I lost her to the downstairs loo!’
‘Ahhh, that’s just feeble.’ Jess laughed.
‘Yeah, well… you know… I guess I’ll never make a fisherman’s wife,’ Emily joked, then noticed Mac turn pink. ‘Well, anyway, nice seeing you, Mac.’
‘Uhm, yeah, and you. Jess.’ He nodded politely in her direction.
‘Mac.’ She smiled in polite response.
The three of them paused in the middle of Truro. Mac eventually made to move before turning back. ‘Erm, I’m headed home now, if you need a lift back, Emily?’
‘Oh, no, thanks. No, don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to put you out.’
‘Well… I’m just going back to Gorran so it’s not exactly putting me out. Unless I can give you a lift too, Jess? Where are you headed?’
‘Me, oh no, I’m Falmouth. No, you two head on. Emily, it’s been lovely seeing you. Please, let’s not leave it so long next time.’
‘Oh, I don’t mind staying on in town, for a bit longer. I mean, we could grab something to eat?’
Mac hovered but Jess shook her head. ‘No, I need to get back. A few bits to sort before heading back into the office tomorrow.’
With the mention of the office, Emily was reminded of Jess’s current predicament. ‘You okay?’ she asked, sort of wishing Mac wasn’t still stood there.
‘I’m fine, honestly.’ Jess pulled her in for a hug. ‘Look, let’s talk in the week, see if you fancy catching up again.’
‘I’d love to, Jess. I really would.’
‘Great, go on. Get a lift from your man here.’
‘Oh he’s not… I mean…’ This time it was Emily’s turn to go pink and Mac looked to the ground. ‘Well anyway, okay, it was lovely. See you soon.’
‘See you!’ And with that Jess wandered off, Mac looked expectantly, and Emily wondered why the butterflies had returned to her stomach.
Lolly
Lolly made the taxi swing by McDonald’s on her way back. A Big Mac and large fries had gone a long way to sorting her wine induced wonk and by the time she pushed open her front door, she felt almost back to normal. ‘Hello!’ she shouted out. The house was quiet. There were no lights on in the lounge or the hallway. ‘Boys?’ she shouted.
‘Down here,’ called Kitt. ‘But you can’t come in yet.’
She pulled off her coat, hanging that and her bag in the downstairs loo. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Wait a minute!’ he called.
Lolly wasn’t sure whether to be intrigued or nervous. ‘Where are the boys?’ she asked, peering upstairs to see if somehow he’d managed to get them to play in their rooms. They didn’t normally play in their rooms and given that both lights were off, they obviously weren’t there now. ‘What’s going on?’ she asked, opening the kitchen door just as Kitt finished lighting a candle on the table.
‘I didn’t know what time you were going to be back so dinner’s not quite ready.’
Lolly looked at the plates and the wine glasses, the roast chicken cooking in the oven. Gary Barlow songs were playing in the background, which set Lolly on suspicious because Kitt hated Gary Barlow. ‘What’s going on?’ she asked.
‘I’ve been thinking about you. About us. About what you said the other day.’ He pulled a chair out for her, motioning that she should sit down. ‘I’ve been distracted lately, I know I have. And I know you’re finding things hard, and I guess I just realised I needed to try harder. Do my bit, you know?’
‘Right…’
‘So Mum came and took the boys. She has them overnight.’
‘What about school?’ She sat down, gazing at the table, impeccably laid out. Then she felt bad for assuming he probably got his mum to sort it all out before she took the boys.
‘She said she’d take them in. Agreed that we needed a bit of time for each other. So, we’ve got the night to ourselves. The house. I’ve cooked a roast, I opened a bottle of wine. I thought we could have a nice evening together, talk, reconnect, you know?’ He stood behind her, bending down to move his arms around her waist, kissing her neck. ‘I thought we could see how things unfolded…’
‘Kitt…’ Lolly let herself lean into his kiss. She reached behind her, running her fingers through his hair.
‘I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick,’ he said, nuzzling into her.
‘I’m sorry too, I just… I don’t know, I’ve been preoccupied, focussed on the wrong things maybe.’
‘It’s fine, I understand. I get why it’s important to you.’ He carried on kissing her neck in-between his words. ‘And I want to do my bit, I want us to try,’ he said, letting his hands run up her sides, cupping her breast. He turned her around to face him, running his thumb over her nipple and Lolly’s breath caught in her throat.
‘How long will tea be?’ she asked.
‘Long enough,’ he answered, pulling her into him. ‘Shall we go upstairs?’ he asked, pushing himself into her hip, kissing her lips and her cheek and her neck.
‘Or shall we do it here?’ she suggested.
Kitt pulled back to look at her. Even in the last few weeks of trying for a baby, it had been a long time since they’d done it anywhere other than the marital bed. Lolly pushed him to sit at the dinner table, straddling him. She kissed him, appreciating the sound of him enjoying her taking control. She moved against him, the traces of alcohol taking away any notion of uncertainty she might have had before. And in that moment, for the first time in months, she didn’t care if she got pregnant or not, she just needed to be close to her husband. Right there. In the kitchen.
Emily
Apparently it wasn’t butterflies at the prospect of getting in Mac’s car, it was actually morning sickness. At 4.30 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. Mac seemed totally forgiving of the fact that she grabbed the first thing that came to hand, which happened to be a jumper his sister had bought him the year before last. She offered to replace it. He told her it was fine, that he didn’t really like it anyway. She wished – for the second, or maybe third time since they’d met – that the ground would open and swallow her whole. Right there in the layby he’d pulled in at on the St Austell Road.
‘Are you okay though? Did you eat something whilst you were out?’
‘No, no I didn’t eat anything.’
‘Maybe there’s a bug going around. Mind you, you weren’t well when I popped round, were you? I mean… I
don’t want to pry, but are you sure you’re okay? Is there anything I can do? Or Mum, Mum likes to help. Please do let us know if there’s anything—’
‘No, no, it’s nothing. I’m fine. Last time was definitely the mackerel, this time… I don’t know – car sickness?’
‘My driving’s that bad?’
‘No, no. I don’t know… maybe I do have a bug. I was feeling a little off this morning. I just really wanted to see my old mates so came out anyway.’
‘Right.’
There was a pause. Mac looked around. Cars whizzed past. Emily realised she really wanted to tell someone about the fact she was pregnant. She hadn’t said it out loud once and stood here now, in a lay-by with an all but stranger, she really wanted to tell him. But why now? Why him? Was it just because she’d been sick into his jumper or was it because she realised she really wished she’d mentioned it to the girls this afternoon but her moment passed and never really came back. Hearing Lolly talk about her boys made Emily imagine being a mum. Hearing Amanda talk about Zennor was a glimpse into the future with a grown-up child and even though things were clearly tough for them at the moment, Emily imagined having her own grown-up child and really liked the idea. Jess proclaiming her disinterest in children made Emily all the clearer, she had always imagined herself a mum, perhaps not in this way quite. She might have preferred it to be with someone who actually wanted to be a father. She’d have liked to settle with a home and a dog and a baby who was loved by both parents. But it was what it was. And if she was ready to step away from the acting, which it was clear to her was a no brainer, then becoming a mother… well, maybe that was a gift that would be the making of her next phase in life. She hadn’t been sure what made her think twice, sat in the abortion clinic in New York. Or what made her tell Jackson she’d gone through with it, but now, here, she was grateful to her previous self.
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 16