Lolly
Kitt pulled the seat out for her as she came into the room. He shook out a linen serviette waiting for her to sit down, no doubt so that he could drape it artfully across her lap.
‘You’ve got a message,’ Lolly said, passing him his phone. ‘I didn’t mean to read it, but I was looking for some music and… well…’
Kitt took the phone, studying her face as he did. She fixed him with a look that she hoped would put the fear of god up him because though she’d stood for a few minutes in the lounge, trying to think of a rational reason why this message might not spell doom for the rest of their evening, she was really struggling to come up with a way that could be.
She didn’t sit down, as he opened up his messages. She didn’t breathe as something like fear flickered across his face. She didn’t move as he paused, probably trying to come up with some reasonable excuse as to what the message meant.
‘It’s not…’ he started, but stopped before he finished, presumably because he knew that was a pretty weak starting point. ‘The thing is…’
Lolly folded her arms. Waiting. There was no way she was going to make this easy for him. He looked down at his phone again, deleting the message before throwing his phone down on the table. ‘Well?’ she said, eventually.
Kitt dropped into his chair, head in hands. ‘I don’t know how to tell you.’ Lolly stiffened. ‘I just… I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to let you down, I really tried to… It just didn’t feel right…’
‘What didn’t feel right, Kitt? Hmm? What truth have you got to tell me?’ In her head, she’d already packed his bags and kicked him out because if this truth was that he was having an affair she now operated a one strike and you’re out position.
‘I lost my job.’
‘You what?’
‘My job. I lost it. Weeks ago.’
Lolly dropped down into the chair. How could he have lost his job? He’d been working, she’d seen it. He’d been heading out of the house to the office. He negotiated working from home to try and be around a bit more… he said it was a trial run… he said they might let him do more hours at home if things worked out. ‘Weeks ago?’ she asked.
‘It was all so sudden and… I didn’t know what to do or say.’ He stumbled over his words and Lolly sat aghast.
‘So who’s that message from?’ she said, wanting to read the words again but she’d already seen him delete it.
‘Katy.’
‘Katy, Katy?’ Kitt looked away. ‘But her number’s stored in your phone, Kitt. That wasn’t her number.’
‘I deleted it, when she let me go. I was so angry that she could do that to me. To us. I deleted her number.’
‘But… how could she? She knows what your job means to us, why did it have to be you?’ They’d both known his boss for years. They’d spent time together, she’d been round for barbecues. She knew Katy was his boss, but she sort of thought they were friends as well.
‘That’s what I said; there were other people that could have gone. Like John, he does nothing most of the time, why couldn’t he go? She said her hands were tied, and I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to tell you…’ He broke off, his eyes filling with tears. ‘I just couldn’t let you down like that, Lolly. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t know what else to do and I knew you’d worry. I thought I’d be able to fix it before you found out.’
‘But you’ve just been paid.’
‘That was my last one. I don’t know where my next pay cheque is coming from. I thought I had something sorted the other day and it fizzled out.’
‘Where have you been going every day?’
‘I’ve been all over, setting up in cafes for the day until it was my time to come back.’
‘But what about the other day when you got held up at work and couldn’t pick up the kids.’
‘I… I…’ He dropped his head, shaking it. ‘I went for a trial with one of those door-to-door sales companies. I thought maybe I could hack it and get that to work in the short-term, but I couldn’t bear it, Lolly, it was awful.’
Lolly moved around to him, ‘Oh, love. Come here, oh my god, you must have been so frightened about it all. I mean, why didn’t you just tell me? I can’t understand why you didn’t just say!’
‘I didn’t want you to feel under pressure with work and stuff, and I knew you were focussed on other things at the moment. I know how important another baby is to you, I really do.’
‘Shhh, shhhh, we don’t need to think about that now. It’s fine, don’t worry. Look, you’ve made this beautiful meal, let’s have a breather, let’s eat. Then let’s work out how we can sort this.’
‘I don’t deserve you, Lolly. You are so good to me.’
‘We’re a team, Kitt. We always have been. When I’m down, you pick me up. Now it’s my turn to do it for you. Come on. Let’s eat.’
Emily
Sunday. That was when Jackson walked out on Emily without a word. It was now Wednesday and she had no idea where he was, what he was thinking or doing. His Facebook account had gone unusually quiet, nothing even from his interns who would usually take over when he couldn’t be bothered. Emily had tried calling him, but the phone just rang out.
She thought about all the conversations they’d had about children. When they first got together and he told her he’d never wanted them before he met her, but that maybe she’d make him think again. When they’d been together a few years and a friend of theirs got pregnant, making her broody, he’d told her he thought he was getting too old, but ‘never say never; maybe when there was a better time’. Or when she first told him she was pregnant and he accused her of doing it on purpose to trap him, which made no sense, they’d been together for years. And yet he was insistent. She knew full well he hadn’t wanted kids. That he’d only ever said maybe because he wanted to like the idea but what if he ended up like his own, absent, dad; hadn’t she thought about that? About bringing an unwanted child into the world. Had she considered his needs in it all?
She’d been so devastated by his reaction she’d reluctantly agreed to let him book the clinic. She wasn’t sure she was ready for a baby. She didn’t know if she could change her life to become a mother. Yet she’d been terrified when she arrived for her appointment. Was that his problem? Was he actually just frightened? Was it more fear of becoming a father than a dislike that he had? Had she just exposed him to the single biggest thing he feared, and that was why he needed to get away? Put time and space between them whilst he worked out what he wanted to do. Like she did. She left because it felt right, but this baby meant they were connected forever. Could he change his mind? Did she want him to? The longer they were apart, the more she reflected on the twists in their relationship. He had controlled everything in her life from the moment they met, she felt free to be apart from him, and yet… she couldn’t ignore the tiny part of her that missed him. She’d loved him for years. Their lives were intertwined. Did she want to try and find a way to make it work, or were her hormones getting the better of her?
‘Morning, love. How are you today?’ Betty was stacking some shelves just inside the doorway. ‘I saw you wandering down here, you’re away with the fairies, my girl. What you thinking about?’ she asked, shuffling tins to the back and front of her display with rapid action.
‘Oh, I don’t know. This and that.’ Emily wasn’t ready to tell her what the this and that was. Betty would probably be one of the first in the village to know, but she wanted to keep the secret a little longer. She was just about adjusting, the feeling she’d got with the girls hadn’t gone away. She wanted this baby, she made the right choice not to go through with the abortion, but somehow seeing Jackson walk away so easily made her want to hide the fact a little longer. Could she cope with the questions about the father? If she told them he’d gone, then he decided to come back, would people judge him? ‘Actually, one of the things I was thinking about was builders.’
‘Builders?’
‘Yeah. I think I want to do a bit of work at home, sort a couple of rooms out. Now that I’m staying, there are a few things I want to change around. Really put my mark on the place, you know?’
‘Oh, I know.’
‘Do you have any recommendations? I’d rather it was someone local.’
‘Well, it depends what you want doing? I mean, I don’t want to peddle my son out each time, but he is a dab hand and you know what it’s like for people down here, we all do a bit of this and a bit of that. Just to keep the wolf from the door.’
‘Oh! Well, I hadn’t realised. I mean, he might not want to… it’s just a bit of a stud wall that needs to come down. And some bits of built in furniture maybe. Nothing major, but I don’t think I’d manage it on my own.’
‘No, course not. I mean, he’d be doing it in-between other stuff, but if you’re not in a tearing hurry.’
Emily thought about how long she had until the baby arrived. ‘Well, I mean, I don’t need it doing yesterday, but I dunno, I guess over the course of the next few months would be okay…’
‘He’s away on the boat. Not sure when he’ll be back, when the conditions worsen, or he’s caught enough I suppose. I’ll send him up.’
‘If you’re sure?’
‘Course! It’d be a pleasure. And besides, I reckon he has a twinkle for you.’
Emily coloured immediately. ‘Betty! You can’t say that…’
Betty let out a generous belly laugh, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Oh, I’m teasing. Reckon you need a bit of time on your own, don’t you? Dunno what has gone off for you these last few years, my girl, but there’s a distracted look in your eye. You’re here, but not quite present and I’d like to bet that that’s got something to do with that man you were hiding from. Now, if I can give you one piece of advice it would be that we’re a long time dead, take your moment to focus on you. It’s precious.’
Emily picked up the bits she needed, thanked Betty for the shopping and chat, and headed back up the hill home. She hadn’t entirely expected the lecture on life from Betty, and she was more than a little disconcerted at her comment about Mac having a sparkle or whatever it was she said, but one thing she was now more certain of than ever, was that she was going to be a mother within six months. If she was going to make the most of this precious time to herself, she needed to get herself together and work out what her new priorities were. And without doubt, her new priorities included the girls. Friendship. She’d read all about how isolated single women can feel when they have children, and she was not about to let that happen to her. Lolly, Jess and Amanda were about to find out just how much she needed them.
Jess
Since Sunday, Jess had lurched from staying put to jacking it all in. Staying put was usually the decision she came to when she wanted to rebel against her heart’s desperation to cut all ties with Jay. Leaving was generally the choice when her head was drowned out by hormones and gin. Matt had repeatedly told her not to leave, but the more she thought about it, the more appealing the idea became. And the more she scrutinised that, the more she realised this might not (just) be about Jay, but about her own future too. She hadn’t stopped asking herself what she’d done with her life since seeing all the girls and her answers, whilst perfectly acceptable, just hadn’t lit her belly with the fire of a colourful life. It was now Wednesday and she couldn’t escape the fact that coming into the office every day was getting increasingly fraught with anxiety and discomfort. The work she did was, whilst interesting in the main, still the same sort of thing she’d done for years. She’d allowed herself to become one-dimensional and the realisation was beginning to gnaw away at her conscience.
She wanted to see if she could embrace colour and excitement, things she’d avoided for so long. What life was there to enjoy? What passion? Not sex passion… although she wasn’t averse to that either, but passion about other things. Food. Art. Theatre. She’d always wanted to try paddleboarding, she lived in bloody Cornwall and barely saw the sea. She wanted to visit different countries and – whilst Matt laughed for much longer than was necessary when she suggested this – she couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like to experience other cultures now she was a proper, bona fide grown-up. She knew she wasn’t the backpacker type, she could never go through that again, but she did love culture. Who’s to say she couldn’t do all that via Airbnb rooms or three-star hotels?
The longer she sat in this meeting about sales figures for a client’s new product, the more she realised it was time to do something different.
‘What do you think?’ asked Jay, the room falling silent as they all looked to Jess, expectantly.
‘Pardon?’ Jess looked at her screen, which had gone blank because she’d stopped reading the detail ages ago. She surreptitiously woke it back up again, pretending her login to full screen was in fact a very important note about something she needed to remember for later.
Jay stared at her. ‘I’m suggesting we push Cobber’s social media back to the client with the advice they recruit an intern to manage it internally.’
‘Right.’ Jess read through the notes in front of her, realising they were for the previous client discussion. Not Cobber’s, the start-up bakery that they’d recently taken on. ‘And what’s your main reason for that?’ she asked, really hoping he’d not already explained it in too much detail beforehand.
‘Well, like I said.’ Oh. ‘I just think that our own social media team are full on and we’re missing opportunities for out of hours conversations. They need to take on an approach like Yorkshire Tea or some of the Waterstones’ accounts, you know? Chatty, fun, engaging. On from morning ’til night, not just nine ’til five. We need to break the myth that sourdough is artisanal or elitist. They’re making specialist products, but they’re not specialist prices and I think it’s important they’re seen as accessible.’
‘Yes. Yes. I agree. Okay. Do you want to have that conversation with them, or shall I?’
‘We can do it together, later? They’re coming in at four, aren’t they?’
‘Yes! Of course they are. Great. Let’s do that then.’
Jess couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so out of touch in a meeting. When she got back to her desk she closed down all the open tabs on her internet browser, vowing to only look at top ten countries to visit information when she got home tonight. Instead, she idly clicked through her emails, deleting the spam. Responding to quick requests for thoughts or advice. She made herself a cuppa, working through the to do list she’d memorised. Her mind wandered to Amanda and Zennor. She’d texted on Monday to check that Zennor was okay and apparently she was going to be fine, but Jess couldn’t help but wonder if Amanda was. The sudden pulling back from them all on Sunday set off alarm bells for Jess.
She could head into Truro early, her meeting with Jay wasn’t until later. She could drop round, just check if Amanda was really okay.
As Jess was about to knock on Amanda’s front door, it swooshed open. ‘Lovely to see you, same time next week?’ Amanda asked, talking up the hallway. A ruddy cheeked man was about to answer until he saw Jess at the gate to Amanda’s house, at which point he did a weird nod then shake of his bowed head, scurrying down the path.
‘Jess!’ said Amanda, looking after the man as he disappeared down the street. ‘What are you doing here?’
Jess felt suddenly weird, like she was somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be. ‘Oh! I just… well, I wanted to come and check you were okay. I didn’t think… I’m sorry, am I interrupting?’ she asked.
‘No. No, he was leaving anyway. I was just… well… are you okay?’
‘I am, I think. You?’
Amanda pulled her dressing gown around her. ‘Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. That was… an emergency plumber. I was about to have a shower this morning and couldn’t get the hot water to work.’
‘Oh. Right.’
‘It was the pilot light.’
‘Oh, well that’s easy to sort then.’
‘Yes. He sorted it.’ Amanda nodded in the direction of the man who was now nowhere to be seen.
There was an awkward pause, Amanda in her dressing gown, leaning against the door. Jess stood on the bottom step, wishing she had just called instead. ‘I was worried about you,’ she said in the end, because she’d nothing to lose. ‘After Zennor. And Sunday.’
‘Oh, it’s fine. No… it’s…’
Then Jess had a sudden realisation. ‘Oh my god!’ Her hands flew to her mouth. ‘Was that the bloke that messaged? From Sunday. The complicated one?’
‘What? No!’ Amanda stepped back into the house. ‘Christ, no. Come inside.’ She pulled Jess in, shutting the door behind her. ‘God, were you always this bloody nosy?’ she asked, walking away from Jess down the corridor.
‘I’ve been worried. You weren’t right on Sunday when we all left, then there was the stuff with Zennor. I just wanted to check in on you.’
‘Zennor is fine. Like I said the other day, she had a lucky escape. Tea?’
Jess nodded, pulling a bar stool up to the kitchen worktop. Amanda moved a fifty-pound note from the kitchen side into a tin that appeared to be overflowing with notes.
‘Christ, drinks are on you!’ said Jess, trying to lighten the mood.
‘It’s my wages. I’m always paid cash in hand.’
‘I didn’t realise cleaning pays so well?’
‘It doesn’t,’ said Amanda, fixing Jess with a look. ‘Sometimes I think it would make life a lot easier if it did, frankly.’
‘What’s going on, Amanda? I’m worried about you. What’s the matter?’
Amanda looked at Jess, almost scrutinising her. She moved a few things around the kitchen, shut a photo-covered cupboard door. She looked back at Jess, almost a side glance. ‘If I tell you something, it’s because I need your help, not because I want your judgement.’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 19