Ten minutes later, Emily and Mac reappeared, Mac with a paper of notes in his hand. ‘Well, I’ll price it all up, shouldn’t be too expensive. Or take too long. All fairly simple, I’d say.’
‘Great, thank you.’
‘Mum said you wanted it doing in a specific timescale?’ His eyes flicked to Jess who looked away, hoping he hadn’t noticed she’d been staring at him since he came back downstairs. There was something about him. Amanda was right, he was attractive, but there was more to him than that. Something she didn’t think she’d noticed before. She was drawn to him.
‘Oh, no. No. Well… I mean, ideally before… well, maybe in the next six months or so?’ said Emily and Jess noticed her uncertainty around him. Did Emily like Mac?
‘That’ll be fine. No problem. Leave it with me.’ He turned to face Jess and Amanda. ‘Bye then… nice to see you again,’ he said to Jess.
‘Yeah… you too.’ He held her gaze and she searched for something interesting on her trouser leg.
‘Right. I’ll be in touch. Bye then.’
‘Yeah… bye. Thanks for popping round.’ Emily waved him off down the lane.
There was a pause before Amanda jumped up. ‘Oh. My. God!’
Emily spun around, closing the door behind her. ‘What?’
‘What? Him! Mac. Fitty McFitface or should I say Fitty MacFitface!’
‘Amanda!’ she said, with a tone that Jess thought sounded a bit protective. Jess pushed a nudge of disappointment to the back of her mind wondering why she felt it in the first place. Emily and Mac would be gorgeous together. She deserved someone as lovely as he seemed.
‘Never mind him,’ Jess said, meaning entirely the opposite. ‘What are we going to do about Lolly?’
Amanda groaned, dropping back into the sofa. Emily raised her eyebrows, cynically. Jess couldn’t help notice that Emily hadn’t taken the news of Amanda’s career path entirely well. She seemed spiky, sort of distanced. Was she judging Amanda? It didn’t seem like something Emily would do, but how well did they all really know each other?
‘So, what are we going to do?’
‘Well, I think we have to give him the chance to say something first,’ said Amanda.
‘But what if he tells her about you?’ said Jess.
‘I don’t know, I mean, it doesn’t help him, does it. It probably makes things worse. It wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t say anything at all about me.’
‘I guess that’s something,’ said Emily.
Amanda looked at her for a moment, then carried on. ‘So, maybe I just need to apply some pressure. Tell him that if he doesn’t, we will.’
‘We?’ asked Emily.
‘Well… I mean, I guess I could but…’
‘We can do it together, Amanda. If you’d prefer,’ said Jess. ‘You know, if you want back up.’ Emily muttered an agreement but Jess wasn’t convinced by it.
‘So what, do I text him? I don’t want her to see it again.’
‘I don’t think you’ve any choice, have you?’ said Jess.
‘Maybe not.’
‘Perhaps don’t text him when he’s likely to be at home, this time?’ said Emily.
‘Right.’
The women fell silent. It was uncomfortable. The warmth of friendship seemed to have cooled during the last hour and Jess was fairly certain it was because of Amanda’s confession. Eventually, Amanda asked. ‘Emily, you seem a bit… I don’t know. I feel like maybe you’re not impressed with me, with what I do.’
‘It’s your business, Amanda.’
Jess held her breath.
‘It is, but I guess your opinion matters to me.’
‘Mine? Why should mine matter?’
‘Because it does.’
Emily got up, adjusting the curtains by the window, staring out into her garden. ‘Look, what you do is your business, it’s nothing to do with me.’
‘True. But still… I don’t want us to fall out about it,’ said Amanda, sadly.
‘Look, come on, girls,’ said Jess. ‘Of course we won’t fall out about it, will we, Emily? We need to stick together if we’re going to help Lolly. That’s why we’re here. That’s who we’re talking about.’
Emily nodded, turning to face them, leaning against the radiator. ‘Fine. Just… bear with me, okay. I guess it goes against what I believe in, it feels… I don’t know, maybe it feels anti-women.’
‘But it’s my choice, Emily. How can that be anti-women?’
‘And what about all the women who do it whose choice it isn’t?’
‘But that’s not my fault. I can’t be responsible for anybody but myself, me and my choices.’
Emily nodded, unconvinced. ‘I guess, I just don’t understand it.’
Amanda stood, slowly. ‘I don’t need you to understand it, Em. I just want you not to hate me.’
Emily folded her arms. ‘I don’t hate you, Amanda.’
The room fell flat, silent, uncomfortable. Amanda nodded. ‘We should probably get off, leave you to it, Emily,’ said Jess, carefully.
Emily nodded and Jess finished off the wine left in her glass. ‘Come on, Amanda.’
Amanda nodded, taking her cup through to the kitchen. ‘Thanks for the drink.’
‘No worries,’ said Emily, flatly, hovering by the front door. ‘Keep me posted. Hopefully it’ll all get sorted without too much upset for Lolly.’
‘She’ll come round,’ Jess said to Amanda as she dropped her off.
‘Not everybody does,’ said Amanda, sadly. ‘And normally I wouldn’t care, but this time, I do. It’s different with you lot.’
Jess nodded. She knew. She got it. ‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier.’
‘It’s okay.’ Amanda sought out eye contact. ‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’
‘Honestly? No. Not yet. Maybe never. Sorry. But let me know when you’ve texted Kitt, and if you get a response. Okay?’
‘Okay. And I’m here, any time. If you need me.’
‘I know. Thank you.’
Amanda nodded then pulled away from the kerb.
Was meeting a turning point for them all? Was it about to unpick the lives they’d built for themselves? Maybe their friendship hadn’t really survived the almost twenty-year hiatus. Perhaps it was naive for any of them to think it had. They’d drifted apart before, what made them think this time would be any different?
Amanda
Locking up the car, Amanda reached into her bag for her house keys, head down on her way to the front door.
‘Mum,’ said a voice as she made her way up the short path.
‘Zennor!’ Amanda wanted to throw her arms around her and give her a big hug, but she wasn’t so sure it was going to be welcome and she couldn’t deal with another bout of rejection today. ‘How are you feeling? Are you fully recovered? You could have let yourself in you know,’ she said, pushing open the door.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘I came around to see you. To let you know I was okay. Dad said you’d been really worried about me and I started to think maybe we should just sort this out.’
‘Oh, love.’ Amanda’s heart lifted.
‘But that’s probably not going to happen now,’ she said, reaching into her pocket.
Amanda’s heart sank as quickly as it had lifted and she looked at Zennor whose lip curled, her eyes cold.
‘I found this. Online. Well, I say I did. Billy found it actually. Couldn’t wait to show me, could he?’ Amanda took Zennor’s phone from her but she didn’t really need to look at it to know this was bad. This was worse than bad. In fact, it made no difference now what Emily thought, or how Lolly would feel if she found out. ‘You fucking slag,’ Zennor spat as Amanda scrolled through her own Twitter feed.
‘Zennor. Please. Can we talk about this?’ She stepped inside the house. ‘Please, come in.’
‘Come in? In there? Where you do this? Not bloody likely! You disgust me, Mum. I always knew there
was something weird about you. Something that didn’t quite sit right. I never imagined you’d sink this low though!’
‘I don’t see it that way. I love my job. Zennor, please. I know it probably seems strange to you…’
‘Strange! It’s disgusting, Mum. Look at the state of you, here.’ She pointed to photos Amanda had posted. ‘And here. I mean what the fuck even is that?’
Amanda looked at the pictures she’d posted, things she did to tempt people to pay for more images, or to watch her online. The hashtags made her cringe now. Why hadn’t she taken more time to cover her identity? She had to begin with, lately though, maybe she’d got lazy. Or maybe she didn’t feel the shame expected of her. The shame Zennor clearly felt now. ‘Nobody needs to know, love. If you’re embarrassed. You don’t need to tell anyone, I’m very careful about how I present myself in the street.’
‘Nobody needs to know? Everyone knows, Mum!’ Zennor laughed one of those angry, bitter laughs. ‘The lads were scrolling Twitter for this kind of filth and Billy said he recognised you. Said if he’d known he could have paid you he’d have been first in line.’
Amanda wanted to die. ‘I thought you two weren’t seeing each other any more.’
‘Yeah, well. He came to see me when I got out of hospital. Brought me flowers. Told me that he hadn’t realised how strong his feelings were for me until that happened.’
‘They can’t be that strong if he was talking about paying to sleep with me!’
‘Don’t you dare turn this on him. This is not his fault, Mum.’ Of course. Of course she’d side with him. ‘I don’t know how you can do it. Are you on drugs or something? I mean, how little do you think of yourself to let men use you that way?’
‘It’s not like that, Zennor. Not for me at least.’
‘Of course it’s like that. It’s shameful. It’s abusive. It’s disgusting.’
‘It can be, for some women, absolutely it can. But it’s none of those things for other women, Zennor, including me. If you’d listen, I can explain. Please. But not here, come inside. Please.’
‘What? Are you embarrassed?’ She stood, eyes fixed on Amanda, before raising her voice even louder. ‘Are you embarrassed at being a prostitute, Mum? Would you hate for anyone to know that you let dirty old men fuck you for money?’
‘Zennor!’
‘Yeah, what else do you do? Eh? What other sordid shit are you doing? You should be ashamed of yourself. I was right to cut you out, Mum. We are done.’
‘Zennor, please!’
But Zennor spun on her heel and stormed off down the street. No shouting was going to bring her back. No calling her would get her to pick up. Amanda noticed George from next door’s curtain twitching and she sunk down into her boots, shame creeping. She’d not told Zennor because she was waiting for the right time to explain. When she thought Zennor might be mature enough to hear her. This wasn’t the way she was supposed to find out and Amanda couldn’t imagine how they could possibly reverse the damage. Oh god, she was going to go off and talk to all her friends. She’d talk to Pete. Pete. Amanda hadn’t told him because they just didn’t talk about stuff like that. And now he’d be hearing Zennor’s version. Amanda sat on the step and pulled out her phone. She needed to call him. He had to hear this from her, not their daughter.
‘Hey you, have you seen Zennor? She said she was on her way over.’
‘I have.’
‘Oh, you sound like it didn’t go well?’
‘Pete, I need to tell you something. Something that Zennor’s just found out about.’
‘Right… Are you okay, Amanda? Do you need me? Do you need help?’
‘No, no… I’m fine it’s just…’ Amanda wasn’t sure she could cope if Pete decided to judge her the way Zennor had. She’d always known he was important to her, even if they were no longer together, but the idea of him cutting ties on hearing this made her almost as upset as the thought she’d never see Zennor again. ‘Zennor just found out that… oh god, I don’t know how to say this.’
‘You can tell me anything, Amanda. Come on.’
Amanda hoped he was being truthful. ‘Zennor just found out that I’m a sex worker.’ The phone went quiet. Amanda couldn’t bear to wait until Pete found words. ‘I do it for my own reasons. I’m safe. I get tested. I have a support network. I enjoy my job. I’m not doing it under duress.’ Pete still said nothing. ‘Please don’t be mad with me, Pete, I couldn’t bear it if you were.’
‘Why would I be mad with you?’ he asked, his voice quieter than before.
‘I don’t know.’
‘What you do is your business, not mine.’
‘I know but…’
‘I mean… I can’t say it’s not a shock.’ Amanda dropped down onto the top step of her home. ‘I guess… I mean… it’s whatever, isn’t it.’
Was he convinced of that? Amanda wasn’t sure. ‘I wish Zennor felt that way.’
‘Maybe she just needs time?’
‘I wish it was just that, you didn’t see how she looked at me. Like I’m a scumbag. The lowest of the low.’
‘She’s young. She’s probably just shocked. Embarrassed even.’ Amanda hurt at that idea, that she would be embarrassed. That Pete would suggest it. ‘I meant it’s not a normal job, is it?’
‘You’d be surprised, Pete. If you knew what I knew, you’d be amazed at how many do it. How many normal women like me.’
‘Well, I’m sure but… look. Don’t stress, okay. Leave Zennor to me. Just… leave her to me.’
‘Okay. Thank you. Sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘Bringing this to your door.’
Pete laughed a little. ‘Amanda, you are something else.’
‘Don’t hate me, Pete.’
He paused. ‘I never could…’
Amanda hung up. When she started this job, it was fun. It was exciting. It was something she’d even fantasised about, never imagining she’d do it herself. And when she’d done it the first time, when the nerves had gone and she got into her stride, she realised how much it suited her. How she loved the money. The sex. The flexibility. The fact she was master of her own destiny, paying her own bills, wanting for nothing from anyone. She’d never looked ahead at what could go wrong because she was enjoying living in the moment.
Would she have still done it if she could have foreseen hurting Lolly and Zennor? Amanda hiccupped a cry, wiping her eyes. How the hell was she going to make any of this right?
‘Are you alright, love?’ asked a frail voice. George stood above her. ‘I heard shouting. And you’re crying, what’s happened?’
Amanda jumped up, taking George by the arm. ‘Oh, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘It’s cold out here, come on, get back inside.’ She steered him towards his house. ‘Do you need anything? I’ve got to pop to the shops, you must be ready for some milk again. What about bread? I’ve a casserole on for this evening, I’ll plate you some up.’
‘Don’t you worry about me,’ George echoed her words, using the rail to help him up to his doorway.
‘As if I wouldn’t worry about you, we’re neighbours. That’s what we do.’
‘Well, I know. That’s why I’m asking. Are you sure you’re alright, love? It’s not like you to be sad.’
Amanda took a deep breath. ‘I’ll be fine, George. Honestly. It’s something and nothing. Now come on, get in the warmth, don’t let the heat out. I’ll see you in a bit.’
Jess
A lazy spring sunshine shone through Jess’s curtains. It didn’t wake her up, she’d been lying in bed, eyes open, mind whirring, since about five o’clock that morning. This was her first Monday off work in months. The start to her first week’s holiday since at least last summer. Only she could wake before her alarm clock would normally go off. She’d groaned, tossed and turned for the first half an hour after waking before finally picking up her phone and scrolling Instagram, Twitter, then Facebook, before reaching for a book which she could
n’t focus on because none of these things were enough distraction from her thoughts. Thoughts that had no structure or connection. They lurched from a vision of Amanda’s face when she dropped her off on Friday, to the face she imagined Lolly would have when she found out about Kitt. She thought about work and the team. She thought about Jay. She thought about Emily and her quiet judgement of Amanda. She thought about the young girl she was before the night of the party. She thought about Mac.
She launched herself out of bed. She could not waste this week as she had wasted the last twenty years of her life. She could not let one man’s actions steal any more of herself. Lolly’s situation was making her realise that as much as anything, Lolly deserved better than Kitt and she deserved better than the one-dimensional life she had created.
In the bathroom, she pulled the shower on to red hot, letting the needles of water spike her neck and back, turning it up further still each time it cooled a little. How did people deal with this kind of thing? How could she face her demons? Was it time for therapy? Matt had always suggested it. The more she looked at travel options, the more it felt like she was running away. Again.
Downstairs, wrapped in a towel, she flicked the kettle on, staring at the world map on her kitchen wall. She’d seen it on Pinterest one day, a map in the kitchen surrounded by fairy lights and little red flags to mark all the places the owner had been to. She’d never bothered with the flags, but she loved to see the world splayed out in front of her. This time though, she looked at it differently. Her eyes fell on L.A. Maybe it wasn’t about running away, rather facing up to her demons. Confronting them even. Confronting him… Her phone rang out as she pondered the idea.
‘Hello?’
‘Jess, it’s Emily.’
‘Emily! How are you?’
‘Erm, I’m not okay. I need help.’
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I’m in Treliske Hospital.’
‘Oh no, what’s happened?’
‘I… I’ll explain when you get here. They say I can go home if there’s someone to help when I get there. I don’t know who else to ask and I don’t want to put you out but—’
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 23