‘No, it’s not feminist shit. It’s life. It’s my life. And I don’t want it to be dictated to me any more. I want to define it. I want to live it my way.’
‘Which is why I’m trying to adjust to living in a village full of idiots.’
His sudden drop of facade should have stunned Emily, but she’d been waiting for it. ‘It’s time you left.’
He muttered something, shaking his head. He threw the roller into the paint tray and blue splashed onto the carpet. ‘Just like that? Eh? No discussion. I should just leave, should I?’
‘I think it’s best for both of us.’
‘And what about that?’ he said, pointing at Emily’s swollen belly.
She placed her hand protectively over her bump. ‘You don’t really want her.’
‘How do you know?’ he spat.
‘Well, do you?’
He put his hands on his hips. He stared at her.
‘And that’s fine. I’m not asking you to be here for her.’
‘But I want you.’
‘You want who I was before I left. You want the compliant me that goes along with whatever it is you need. Whoever you need me to be. The one who stands beside you until you tell me I can walk ahead.’
‘I want the you I fell in love with.’
‘She went, a long time ago. She’s fierce now. She’s going to be a mother. She has no interest in playing games. She just wants to live by the sea and walk on the beach. She wants to bake and see friends. She wants to tend to her garden and raise her daughter. She wants to volunteer. Maybe paint. Who knows, maybe she wants to write. She wants to see who she can be without the expectation of others.’
‘Right. And she doesn’t want a father for her child.’
‘She doesn’t need a father for her child. Especially not one who’s playing for time.’
‘And that’s why I never put the apartment on the market.’
‘I know.’
Jackson’s eyes narrowed. ‘If you don’t want me, I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with that baby.’
‘That’s up to you. You can see her, if you change your mind. I can visit with her. You can come here.’
‘Come here! I don’t think I’ll bother.’
‘So you’ll have to wait until I come to you then. On my terms.’
‘Of course. Of course it’s on your terms. And what about money? You wanna haul me through the courts for maintenance?’
‘I want nothing from you.’
‘Yeah, right.’
She stood. ‘Jackson, I want nothing from you. I never have. I never will.’ She looked around the room. ‘I’ll let you get yourself organised, get your things together. Take as long as you need. Leave whatever you’d like me to ship back.’
And with that, Emily left the nursery feeling lighter than she’d ever felt. And more excited for her and her baby’s future than she could ever have imagined.
Jess
‘So I toyed with travelling. I did a bit when I was a kid, but I don’t know, I just didn’t love it, you know? And I don’t have anything to prove any more.’
‘Have you ever had something to prove?’ asked Mac, who’d been happily listening to her nervous rambling.
‘I think so, though I don’t know to who, if I’m honest. But it doesn’t matter. The upshot is that I’m not going away now.’
‘I’m glad,’ said Mac, glancing over quickly before fixing his eyes back on the road.
‘I’m glad too,’ she said, her stomach flipping, which made her wonder why she’d avoided this feeling for so many years. Whatever this feeling was, she wasn’t sure, but she was excited. She was giddy. She couldn’t stop thinking about him. She barely slept last night, running over the sort of things they might talk about. Wondering where they’d go. Wondering if he’d kiss her. Stopping wondering if he would kiss her because she wouldn’t sleep if she kept on thinking about his lips on hers. The thought again made her a bit weak so she changed the subject. ‘So, where are we going then?’ she asked.
‘It’s a surprise.’ He grinned.
‘I’m terrible with surprises. I just want to know straight away.’
‘Do you need to learn about delayed gratification?’ he asked, holding her gaze for longer than her butterflies could cope with.
‘Maybe. Or not. I don’t know. Give me a clue.’
‘Okay.’ He thought for a moment. ‘It’s somewhere I love.’
‘Well, that’s no use, I hardly know you.’
‘Okay, it’s somewhere outdoors.’
‘Okay, that doesn’t come as a huge surprise.’
‘It’s somewhere that you can just sit.’
‘Nice. I like sitting.’
‘It’s somewhere that relates to something you said, ages ago.’
‘Right…’
‘It’s somewhere you can hug lots of furry things…’ he said, grinning.
‘Furry things. What sort of furry things?’
‘Big ones. Small ones. Friendly ones. Timid ones.’
Jess laughed. ‘Where the hell are you taking me?’ she asked, as he indicated left off the main road opposite a field of llamas or alpacas, she couldn’t quite tell the difference.
‘It’s somewhere that I’d love to help out at, if I had more time. And lived closer.’
‘Right…’
He indicated right again, heading down a tiny lane between two houses, just outside Falmouth. ‘You’re lucky, they’re basically all on your doorstep.’
‘What are?’ she asked, now laughing.
‘Donkeys!’ he announced, pulling into a driveway.
‘What?’ She giggled.
‘Donkeys. Rescue donkeys. I’ve brought you to one of my favourite places in Cornwall. Flicka Donkey Sanctuary.’
Jess belly laughed. ‘Donkeys! I mean… I could never have guessed donkeys. This may be the strangest place for a first date.’
‘Not in my book. First dates are for falling in love, right?’
Jess swallowed because she wasn’t sure what first dates were for but quite liked his view of them.
‘So here you get to fall in love with these amazing rescue creatures.’ He pulled the handbrake on and jumped out of the car, jogging round to open her door. ‘They have a cafe for lunch and look, down there, you can see the sea.’
It was the first red-hot day of the year, when the sun really had started to get up a bit of warmth and the skies were bright blue and never ending. As she climbed out of the car, she heard the sound of a donkey bray in the field opposite the car park.
‘That’ll be Walter,’ he said, craning his neck to see. ‘I saw him when he first came in. He’d been kept in a storage unit without windows. When they came to rescue him, opening the doors made him blink because the light was so bright.’
‘Oh no!’ Jess said as Mac took her by the hand and led her over to the paddock. ‘Oh look, look at him.’
‘I know, right, he’s so handsome. And so gentle, come here, Walter.’ The small patchwork donkey heard his name and trotted over to see them. Mac held his hand out, letting Walter sniff then push into it for a fuss. ‘There’s a good boy. You’ve got some friends now, eh? See, he was like that the first time I saw him. How can such a gentle animal be treated so badly?’
Jess’s heart melted. Walter let Mac tickle and scratch his cheek and neck, watching Jess all the while.
‘You said something about volunteering, or animal rescue. It was weeks ago at Emily’s. That day we were there and Jackson kept subtly asking when we were leaving but you and Emily were talking about work and the fact you wanted to make a change.’
‘Oh, god, yes. I remember that day. You were building the shed and I had to shift my chair because you looked…’ Jess trailed off because she realised she was suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment at the memory of her thoughts that day.
‘I looked what?’ he asked, leaning closer to her.
‘Well… you know.’
He held her gaze again, his deep brown eye
s twinkling. ‘Well, anyway,’ he said, returning his focus to Walter, much to Jess’s heart’s relief. ‘I just thought that maybe, if I plucked up the courage to ask you out, that I could bring you here. That maybe it would inspire you somehow. And also because I love it. I mean, look at them! Come on, put your hand out.’
Mac took hold of her hand and placed it on Walter’s neck beneath his. She wasn’t sure if her heart racing was with love for the donkey or lust for Mac, either way, she could barely breathe. This was the most perfect place. The most perfect, ridiculous, date.
‘I can’t believe you brought me to see the donkeys,’ she said, beaming.
Mac nudged her gently. ‘Just wait until you see Bertie,’ he said, leaving his hand on hers before taking it. ‘Come on!’
And oh, he was right about Bertie. A massive French donkey. Some fifteen plus hands. He looked like Chewbacca, or a man in a dreadlocked donkey suit. He had giant ears that flopped as he shook his head. And in another field there was a smaller version of him, not a rescue but one brought over to raise the awareness of this rare breed. Mac told her everything, all about them. He pointed out donkeys, reeling off their names.
‘That’s Paddington, he’s cheeky. He chases Penny all over and when she’s had enough, she’ll give him a little nip on the bum. That’s Annabelle, she’s a total sweetheart. Look at those ears, her hair waterfalls from the tips. She loves cuddles when you can get her over to see you.’
‘How do you know all these donkeys?’
‘I’ve been quite often over the years. I love it here.’
Jess could tell why, it had something about it. A strange peace. A gentleness. The collection of pigeons in the courtyard. The twilight herd. The volunteers cleaning, grooming, telling stories of the donkeys, working the tea room.
‘Lunch?’ Mac asked, pointing to a cabin called Bray-k Time.
‘Yes!’ she said, realising that as well as feeling quite giddy, she was also feeling hungry.
Jess and Mac sat on a bench outside the tea room, paddocks surrounding them, the occasional bray from donkeys interrupting the otherwise peaceful environment. They talked about their childhood, their families. She told him about her work and he told her about his numerous jobs. He loved being on the sea, the freedom, the connection to nature. He loved to stand on the beach looking out at the horizon just breathing. Jess had admitted she rarely got to the beach, apart from when visiting Emily.
‘Have you been to Vault Beach, just behind her place?’
‘Yes, it’s stunning!’
‘I often park up at the National Trust car park and walk the dog. So often I go there and see nobody.’
‘Maybe we could go together sometime.’
‘I’d like that.’
Later that evening, after they’d spent hours outside The Ferry Boat Inn, overlooking the Helford River, he pulled up to her house. He got out of the car to open her door and she could barely breathe with the anticipation, the need to kiss him. For him to kiss her. To feel him close. They’d held hands. They’d sat beside each other, close enough to just be touching. She’d felt his thigh press against hers as they sat silently watching the river. She’d felt his arm behind her as he leant back, resting it on the bench. That was as close as they’d been and all she could think of was what it might feel like to kiss him. To close her eyes and lean in and for their lips to touch. And as they stood on the top step, him telling her what a gorgeous time he’d had, she took his hand. And as he leaned into her, asking her when he could see her again, she pulled him in closer and said, ‘When are you free?’ and he took her face in his hand, a small smile spreading across his as he told her he’d never met anybody like her and she said, ‘Me too.’ And he slipped his arm around her waist as she leant her cheek into his hand. And then her heart almost stopped as he leant in closer, and she reached up, and their lips brushed and she had to stop herself from letting out a sigh because it felt so gentle, and so perfect and so exactly what she had been missing out on for so many years and perhaps, just perhaps, it had been entirely worth the wait.
Lolly
‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ asked Joanna down the phone. Since Lolly and Kitt had split up, she was on the phone most days, visiting whenever she could. It had definitely drawn them closer. ‘I can come with you if you’d prefer, I really don’t mind. I can just take a few days off work again.’
‘You’ve done enough,’ said Lolly, rinsing her coffee cup clean and laying it on the drainer. These were the tiny wins since Kitt had gone. He used to hate reusing a mug and as a consequence they’d get through all their mugs and cups on the days he’d been at home. She’d always asked him why he couldn’t just rinse them and he’d told her that was disgusting. She took a certain sense of pride in not giving a damn now. ‘Anyway, Emily said she’d meet me for lunch afterwards so I’ll be fine. I’ve got back up.’
‘If you’re sure.’
‘I’m sure.’
The meeting with the solicitor took less than an hour. She explained Kitt’s adultery, avoiding reference to sex workers because each time she thought about it she thought about Amanda and she hated how it made her judge her. After a few weeks reeling from the reality of the state of her marriage, she and Amanda had met up. Lolly had shouted at her, told her she was disgusting and perverted and everything that was wrong with the world. Then she’d broken down in tears and Amanda said nothing but reached out her hand and held it with such dignity and generosity, given what Lolly had just said, that it extinguished any anger she had about her having slept with Kitt. She believed her when she said it happened before the reunion. Amanda also explained why she did the job in the first place and whilst Lolly could never claim to understand, or even like it, she did have to acknowledge that Amanda was making her own choice, paying her own bills. And she loved her. Just like she always had. She just preferred not to really talk to her about it.
She pushed open the door to Mannings, where Emily had booked them in for a special lunch. She promised it wasn’t about celebrating what Lolly had just been and done because let’s face it, what was there to celebrate, it was the end of her life as she’d planned it, but Emily wanted to do something special. To support Lolly. Lolly loved a nice lunch and needed the cold glass of Sauvignon that was waiting for her.
‘So how’d it go?’ Emily asked.
‘I don’t know really. I mean, I guess it’s fine. I explained the situation, gave her the details. Gave her Kitt’s contact details.’
‘He still living in that bedsit in Penryn?’
‘Yup. Probably thoroughly enjoying the student life.’ Emily shook her head in disbelief. ‘It’s fine. He comes round on the weekends to take the boys out. I can just about be civil with him for their sake. The house is on the market as of this weekend.’
‘Oh no!’
‘It’s fine. Honestly. I thought I’d be devastated but I want a fresh start. I’m going to try and get one of the new places up by the hospital. I don’t need much space, somewhere smaller and cheaper will be better for me and the boys. I can walk to work so no parking costs. The boys can move to the school up there and I think it’ll be fine.’
Emily smiled. ‘I think you’re amazing,’ she said, holding up her glass of mineral water.
‘Hey, we’re in this together now, single parents. We’re gonna need each other, I reckon.’
‘Damn right!’
‘Enough about me. Did Jackson go?’
Emily nodded. ‘He went. Yes. Took a suitcase full of stuff and told me to sell or burn the rest. He wasn’t bothered about any of it. Dunno why he bothered bringing it over in the first place, except to make a show of moving his life to Cornwall.’
‘Do you think that was all that it was then? A show?’
‘Totally. His entire life is a show. Always has been. Always will be. I think I knew that, but I guess I felt I should at least try and see if it could work. Given that he’s the father and all that.’
Lolly nodded. She felt for Emily b
ut couldn’t help be pleased that Jackson had gone. She’d never really taken to him. ‘So what happens next?’
‘Well, the room is painted. I finished it off with Mac the other day.’ She pulled out her phone to show Lolly pictures of a Pinterest-perfect nursery, ready and waiting for baby’s arrival. ‘Mac is hoping to clear the cupboards at the weekend, when he gets back from his current fishing trip. Then that’s it. Jackson has gone. It’s just me and this little one.’ She stroked what was now quite a generous baby bump.
‘Did they go out, Mac and Jess?’
‘Oh my god, they did. I’ve heard it from both sides and all I can say is you may want to consider buying a hat.’
‘Ahhh, that is sooo lovely.’ Lolly was genuinely pleased although wished it wasn’t tinged with a hint of envy. She knew she’d survive alone and she had made the right choice to start divorce proceedings, but she couldn’t help the fact that she had always wanted to be married. And she loved being with someone. And she wanted to one day have that again.
‘I bought you something.’ Emily passed a small box and a card across the table.
‘What’s this?’ asked Lolly, taking it, confused.
‘It’s just a little something, I hope… well… open it. See what you think.’
Lolly unwrapped the box, lifting the lid and peeling open creamy tissue paper. Nestled within it was a gold bangle with a single star on it. ‘What’s this? It’s… it’s beautiful!’ She took it out, stunned.
‘Try it on.’
She opened the clasp and placed it on her wrist. ‘It’s gorgeous, Emily, thank you!’
‘Well. You can’t thank me yet.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It comes with a request. You need to read the card.’
Lolly ripped open the envelope, admiring her bracelet all the while. On the front were two women propping each other up with a bottle of gin and big hearts between them. It said Friends are my lifeblood, but Gin definitely helps! beneath it, which made Lolly laugh since she didn’t drink gin and Emily drank nothing at the moment.
Her Best Friend's Secret: A gripping, emotional novel about love, life and the power of friendship Page 29