by A. J. Markam
“You not hurt Wylla?”
“No, I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
You know, except for a succubus you were CERTAIN killed Alaria, a bitchy little voice in my head said, but I shut it up and pushed it down deep inside me.
The fairy hovered in place for a few seconds. In the darkness I could see a small, feminine shape maybe two inches tall, with what I assumed were wings beating so fast that they looked more like a glowing blur. If she’d been about 30 times bigger, she would have been a real hottie – a Tinkerbell lookalike in a mini-dress apparently sewn out of a leaf.
Wylla might have been only two inches tall, but she was sassy. “Big Thing looked – now Big Thing must go!”
“Look, my name is Ian, and – ”
“No, Mistress, we mustn’t! You is too weak!” the little voice whispered, as though it were trying to have a conversation with some unseen presence in the room. “I know you think Big Thing is your special friend, but – ”
Special friend?!
“ALARIA?!” I called out in a panic, and darted through the black doorway. “Alaria, are you back here?!”
“No, Big Thing mustn’t go back there!” the fairy cried out, and darted back and forth in front of me like an incredibly large, annoying gnat.
I swatted her away, stepped into the next room –
And froze, totally transfixed.
This room was like the other – rectangular and carved completely out of dirt. But in the corner sat a beautiful pink crystal less than two inches long. At least, that’s how much was poking up out of the dirt. The crystal was maybe half an inch in diameter, and the smooth planes of its surface came to a pointed tip.
The crystal glowed and pulsed slightly, casting a tiny light show on the dirt around it like a child’s rotating nightlight.
“…Alaria?” I whispered hoarsely.
There was no reply.
Not from the crystal, anyway, although the fairy kept on chattering.
Not necessarily at me, though.
“No, Mistress, I mustn’t tell the Big Thing! No, you cannot trust it! I doesn’t care if you knew it from your previous life!”
“Tell me what?!” I demanded.
“Nothing, Big Thing, nothing!” the fairy squeaked. “Leave now! Go!”
Fuck this.
I didn’t have time for this nonsense. If Alaria was really trapped inside that crystal, then I had to get it back to the laboratory now and figure out a way to transfer her soul back into her body.
I knelt down in the dirt and reached out my fingers for the crystal –
“Nooooo!” cried the golden hummingbird.
As soon as my fingers touched the crystal, though, its glassy surface vibrated against my skin – and I heard a voice.
- Ian?!
It was Alaria, but I didn’t hear her with my ears. Her voice was in my mind, like I was imagining it – but I wasn’t. I knew I could hear her.
“Alaria?!” I cried out, almost on the verge of tears. “Can you hear me?!”
- Yes! Yes, I can – oh my Goddess, so you can hear ME, too?!
I pulled my fingers away from the crystal to wipe the tears from my eyes – and I laughed with joy. “Yes, I can hear you! Oh babe, I’m so glad you’re okay!”
…nothing.
No Alaria.
What the FUCK?!
I grabbed the crystal again in a panic, pulling it out of the soil. Once its base was exposed, I could see it was about three inches long in total.
“ALARIA?!”
The crystal vibrated again against my skin, almost like it was buzzing with excitement.
- I’m here, I’m here! she cried out. Why couldn’t you hear me?!
“I think I have to touch your crystal to hear your voice.”
- My what?!
I stared at the pink stone. “You… do realize you’re inside a crystal, right?”
There was a short silence.
Just as I was about to prompt her again, I heard her voice loud and clear in my head.
- I’m WHAT?!
Just then I felt a tiny but painful zap! on my earlobe.
“Ow!” I yelled, and grabbed my ear like I’d just been bitten by a horsefly.
“You put Mistress down!” the little voice buzzed indignantly in my ear.
- Wylla, STOP that! Alaria yelled. Leave him alone!
I looked over to see the little shining creature hovering level with my head. At this distance I could see her perfectly: bare shoulders and arms, the swell of the top of her breasts above her leaf dress, pretty face, slim waist, shapely legs, bare feet, and a knot of blonde hair piled messily atop her head.
Extremely doable – if you were two inches tall, that is.
“But Mistress, Big Thing could hurt you!” the fairy protested.
Wait – how the hell could the fairy hear her without touching the crystal?!
I forgot all that with Alaria’s next words:
- He’s not going to hurt me – he’s my boyfriend!
A huge grin spread across my face. “I’m your boyfriend?”
- Not THIS again, Alaria said in exasperation. Can we NOT talk about this right now and focus on my being a Goddess-damned crystal instead?
“Yeah – yeah, sure, right.”
“‘Boy… friend’?” Wylla asked hesitantly. “What is a ‘boyfriend’?”
- It means we have sex! Now go away!
The fairy looked at me in horror. “You make babies with Big Thing?”
- NO! I mean, yes, we do what you need to DO to make babies, but there aren’t any babies being created!
“No babies,” I confirmed hurriedly. Not only did I not want kids right now – digital or otherwise – I also remembered Alaria’s horrified reaction to Dorp’s illusion of her with a couple of screaming demon infants.
“Oh,” the fairy said, mystified, and looked me up and down. “Where does the Big Thing stick you in, then?”
“What?!” I yelped.
“When big things make babies, don’t they stick it in?”
To illustrate, Wylla held up her arm, started her other hand at her fist, and then slid it down hard and fast to her elbow, where it hit her skin with a FWAP! sound.
It was like a miniature New Yorker pumping her arm in a cutesy little Fuck you, buddy!
“And you have no place to stick it in, Mistress, so does Big Thing stick YOU in HIM?”
“NO!” I cried out, horrified.
Alaria burst out laughing.
- Bwahahaha – oh, Ian, I could be your very own crystal butt plug!
“What is a butt plug?” the fairy asked innocently.
“Stop that!” I yelled. “Stop asking questions!”
The fairy cocked her head and looked at me. “Where does the butt plug go in Big Thing?”
“GO AWAY!” I yelled, and shooed the fairy off with my hand, though she just darted around like a hummingbird. “GO!”
Alaria couldn’t stop laughing.
- Bwahahahaha!
“Alaria, tell her to get out of here!”
- Hahahaha – oh my – go on, Wylla. If I need you, I’ll call for you.
“But Mistress – ”
- I SAID go ON. I’ll talk to you later.
“Yes, Mistress,” the fairy said grumpily, and zipped out of the room.
Then Alaria laughed some more. I could almost imagine her wiping tears from her eyes.
- Hahaha – ohhhhh Goddess, I needed that…
“What the hell was all that about?” I asked, bewildered.
- The next thing we’ll have to do in bed.
“NO,” I snapped. “I meant, what’s with the fairy?”
- Oh, her. When I woke up, she showed up just a few seconds later. Said she was a dungeon fairy and started blabbing on about mana and life force and elemental powers and Goddess knows what.
“She’s your onboarding device,” I realized.
- My what?
My guess was that the fairy had been t
elling Alaria all the technical details she had to know about becoming a dungeon core. Wylla had essentially been Alaria’s ‘manual’ for figuring out her powers in her new form.
I didn’t particularly want to have to explain ‘onboarding’ to Alaria, so I used an example she was more familiar with.
“She’s your imp, I mean.”
- What?! She’s a fairy, not an imp!
“I just mean that I got Stig when I first became a Warlock. She must be like that – a helper you get when you become a dungeon core.”
- Well, she’s the most ANNOYING helper imaginable. Kind of hot, though.
“Yeah, I’d hit that,” I agreed absentmindedly.
- Why in Goddess’ name would you HIT her?! Alaria snapped.
“No, no – it’s an expression.”
- Oh, wonderful, another EXPRESSION, she said sarcastically.
She and Stig were not that fond of my ‘expressions,’ since I was often very bad at explaining them.
“‘I’d hit that’ means ‘I’d have sex with that person.’”
“That’s what she said,” a voice croaked behind me.
I whipped around to see Stig standing in the doorway.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised.
“I heard screaming,” Stig said, then swatted the air as a golden streak flew past his head. “There’s some kinda bug in here, boss.”
“Leave, Small Big Thing!” Wylla’s voice squeaked.
“It’s not a bug, it’s a fairy,” I explained.
“Even worse,” Stig grumbled as he swatted the air again.
- Wylla, leave the imp alone, Alaria sighed.
“Why, is the Small Big Thing the BIG Big Thing’s butt plug, too?” Wylla asked.
“NO!” I yelled.
“What’s a butt plug?” Stig asked.
Alaria burst out laughing again.
- BWA-hahahahaha!
“ALL OF YOU, LEAVE!” I yelled. “I’m talking to Alaria!”
Stig glanced around the dirt room, then looked at me in concern. “Uh… you okay, boss?”
“She’s right here!” I yelled as I held up the crystal.
“Uhhhhh… o-kaaaaay…” Stig said, like he was slightly alarmed to be in such close proximity to a crazy person.
“Can’t you hear her laughing?” I asked, then looked at the crystal. “By the way, it wasn’t that funny.”
- Hahahahaha – oh, but it WAS – I just keep picturing Stig stuck up your ass with his head poking out – hahahaha –
“UGH, gross!” I yelled.
Stig’s brow furrowed. “Um… maybe you should come back up with me, boss…”
“You can’t hear her?”
“…hear who, boss?”
“Alaria!”
“Um… no… I don’t hear her…”
- You know, YOU couldn’t hear me, either, when you weren’t touching me, Alaria pointed out.
“That’s right!” I said, then held out my hand to Stig. “Here, touch the crystal and you’ll hear her!”
Stig immediately backed up and put his hands out like No, I’m good.
“That’s okay, boss.”
“No, really – you can touch it!” Then I realized what I’d said and snickered. “That’s what she said…”
Stig was really weirded out now.
“I’m gonna go back up, boss… seeya,” he said, and scampered into the other room and up the tunnel, out of sight.
- Well, you’ve succeeded in freaking out your imp, Alaria said cheerfully.
“I guess he must think I’m crazy…”
- Speaking of crazy, what the hell is going on?!
“You mean with you being a crystal?”
- No, I mean with the delightful dirt accommodations I have now. YES I mean with me being a crystal!
“What do you remember last?”
She paused. When she spoke, it was haltingly.
- I remember being in that crystal chamber… and there was this awful noise… then pain… Goddess, SO much pain… and then suddenly everything went black. When I woke up, here I was, and that damn fairy appeared and started yammering at me.
“What about the slime mold?”
- The what? Oh, THAT thing. Alaria sighed. That was my first, not-so-wonderful attempt at being a dungeon.
“You chose to be a slime dungeon?”
- NO, I didn’t CHOOSE ANYTHING – including this Goddess-damned crystal! The slime mold’s just what popped out when I followed what the damn fairy said!
“Okay, okay,” I said, trying to calm her down.
- How the hell did this happen?
I told her what Orlo had told me at the volcano about his new business venture, the words I had read on the monitor in his lab, and how Soraiya had led me to this field where Orlo’s other ‘experiments’ had been created.
- That fucking gnome, she griped. STILL screwing me over from beyond the grave. And Soraiya – I want you to KILL that little –
“Actually, she didn’t mean to do this to you.”
- Uh-huh, Alaria said, clearly not believing me. And how would you know THAT.
“Because I enslaved her and forced her to tell me the truth.”
There was a moment’s pause.
“Alaria?”
- You ENSLAVED her? Alaria asked in disbelief.
“Yeah.”
I could hear her voice quiver with emotion.
- B-but… she’s another succubus, and you can only have one! You could only enslave her if I’m really, truly…
She trailed off.
Both of us were silent.
Neither of us wanted to say the word:
‘Dead.’
“Well, obviously you’re still here,” I said, trying to put the best spin on it I could, “because I’m talking to you. And there’s got to be a way to get your soul back in your body.”
- How do you know that? she whispered. I could tell she was trying to hold it together and coming perilously close to failing.
“Because there has to be.”
I realized that was no kind of answer, but hope was all I had right now, and there was no way I was going to throw it away.
Besides, I could tell Alaria was on the verge of despair.
I had to do the hoping for both of us now.
It appeared she didn’t want to dwell on the topic, though, because she said, - So… you actually enslaved Soraiya?
“Yeah.”
- That doesn’t sound like you.
I thought back to the rage coursing through me in the laboratory – the base, primal need to hurt the plum-colored succubus.
Although I wasn’t proud of that moment, I’d felt an immense power that was hard to deny.
“I… wasn’t exactly myself when I did it.”
- Sounds kind of… dark for you.
“It was,” I admitted.
- So she DIDN’T intentionally fuck me over?
“No.”
- Huh… THAT’S a first.
“She saved you at the volcano,” I pointed out.
- I know, I know – but probably just to stay in your good graces so you’d free her. Alaria laughed snarkily. THAT turned out really well for her.
I wanted to get away from this topic, so I asked, “What’s it like? Being a dungeon core, I mean.”
- It’s a fucking pain in the ass is what it is.
I smiled. That was my Alaria, all right.
“I can’t hear you unless I’m touching you – is it the same for you?”
- No, I can hear you no matter what.
“Even when I’m not touching you?”
- Yes. I can hear everyone and everything.
“How can the fairy hear you without touching you, though?”
- I don’t know. She said something about being ‘bound’ to me, so maybe that’s why.
“Holy shit,” I laughed. “She’s bound to you? You’re like a Warlock now.”
- Don’t even JOKE about that.
- No, not really, but… I don’t know how to explain this, exactly, but I can… FEEL you.
“I can feel you, too. You vibrate sometimes, like when you sound excited.”
- I do?
“Yep.”
- Interesting… but when I say I can ‘feel’ you, I don’t mean just when you touch me. When you walked in the cave, I KNEW it was you, I just couldn’t SEE you. But I could feel your… soul, I think? If that makes any sense.
“Interesting,” I murmured. “What do I ‘feel’ like?”
- Well, I can tell that you’re a lot bigger than me. In fact, you’re huge.
“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that,” I joked.
There was a note of amusement in her voice.
- And probably the last. Look, can we do whatever we need to do to get me out of this damn rock? I’m getting REALLY tired of switching bodies, and I’d like to make this the last time.
“Yes,” I said as I stood up. “Let’s go.”
- Ian?
“Yes?”
- I know I’m a crystal now, but… would you still hit me if you could?
“HIT you?!” I yelped.
Then I realized what she was talking about.
“The expression is ‘hit that.’ You don’t say you would hit someone, you say, ‘I’d hit that.’ Like you’re talking about their ass or… you know.”
- Uh-huh… so, would you still ‘hit that’ with me?
I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to lie, but now wasn’t exactly the time for 100% honesty. “Um… if I could with a crystal, yes.”
“I’d hit that,” a voice croaked from the next room over.
I looked around the corner to see Stig hanging upside-down from the cave entrance.
“No,” I barked at him, “stop that.”
“That’s what she said,” the imp said.
“NO, that’s not the way you use it!”
“That’s what she said.”
“STOP! Just – get out of the hole!”
“That’s what she said.”
“STIG – ”
The imp’s head pulled back up through the tunnel and he disappeared.
“Mrm,” I growled.
- So you’d ‘hit that’ with me?
“Yes.”
- What if I have to stay a crystal forever? Would you still ‘hit that’ with me?
“Don’t talk like that. We’re going to get you switched back.”
- But if we don’t… would you still ‘hit that’ with me?