by A. J. Markam
I turned around and tried to cast a spell on Sketterex, but more ghostly hands reached up and grabbed my wrists.
A computer window appeared:
You have been Bound for 6 seconds!
NO!
As I lay there helpless, Zoran and Sketterex finished off Slothfart. The big orc disappeared in a flash of light.
“Now the frost witch,” Zoran ordered.
Jen looked at me in panic, though she continued to cast ice bolt after ice bolt at the two bounty hunters. “IAN!”
“JEN!” I screamed, right before a roundhouse kick to the head caused her to wink out of existence.
Fugly spat a stream of acid in Zoran’s face. He grimaced as the acid sizzled, then leapt up and caught the gargoyle before he could even react. As Zoran came down, he pulled a three-point superhero landing (see Deadpool) and slammed the tiny demon into the ground.
POOF!
Fugly erupted in a ball of fire and disappeared.
The Binding spell finally ended. The ghost hands retracted back into the ground and I staggered to my feet.
Stig was teleporting around the Shaman, trying to distract him –
Zoran shot one hand out, grabbed Stig, and blasted a blue bolt of chi energy through his body.
POOF!
Stig was gone.
Soraiya was the last one left. She fought valiantly with her flaming pitchfork, but Zoran was better at hand-to-hand combat. When she thrust at him, he grabbed the burning shaft of the weapon. Ignoring the searing pain, he pulled her in close and snapped her neck with one punch.
POOF!
Soraiya was gone, leaving only me.
And a Level 1 fairy buzzing around my head in a golden blur.
“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!”
The Monk and Shaman both turned to me. A hundred feet behind them, Cirra was still preventing the others from coming back down with her vertical hurricane.
I could summon Stig and Soraiya, but the two assholes would just kill them again.
There was only one real option still left open to me:
RUN.
I turned around and sprinted in the opposite direction as fast as I could.
- What are you doing?! Alaria cried out.
“Trying to figure out what the fuck to do!”
I looked over at the windows to the atrium as they flashed by.
If I jumped out into the pit, I would plummet to my death, or the wyverns would eat me –
Which meant I would resurrect back on the first floor with Jen, Slothfart, and the others.
Here goes nothin’ –
I headed for the nearest window, but Zoran figured out my plan.
“CIRRA, HE’S TRYING TO ESCAPE INTO THE CENTER!” Zoran yelled.
As I got close, vicious gusts howled out of the window and pushed me backwards. No matter how hard I tried, it was like trying to push my way through a 300 mph wind tunnel.
And here came Zoran and Sketterex.
“SHIT!” I yelled, and abandoned my attempt at offing myself.
Instead, I ran. I turned corner after corner, stumbling over the corpses of dozens of dead monsters.
I finally saw my old friend the ogre pacing back and forth at the end of the tunnel.
That’s IT!
One good clubbing from that guy and I was dead meat!
I raced towards him as fast as I could –
But Zoran sprinted past me and got to him first.
The ogre turned to see two enthusiastic combatants racing towards him. It roared and lifted its club –
Zoran launched himself 20 feet into the air and did what could only be described as an old-school video game combo attack: two punches to the ogre’s face, a flying roundhouse midair, and then about a half dozen kicks and punches on the way down.
Zoran’s onslaught smacked the ogre backwards. First the big brute was leeeaning, then it was falling –
But Zoran wasn’t finished. Not by a long shot.
The Monk somersaulted beneath the ogre’s body and leapt to his feet. Right before impact, Zoran proceeded to ‘air juggle’ the back of the ogre’s head with a flurry of punches.
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!
The ogre shrieked with every punch. It sounded like a gorilla riding over speedbumps on a motorcycle.
“aar-AAR-aar-AAR-aar-AAR – ”
For the coup de grace, Zoran stepped out from under the ogre’s head and planted a roundhouse in the creature’s temple.
CRACK!
The ogre’s head slammed down onto the ground and lolled there, dead.
‘5000 XP’ floated up through the air, but it was about the worst consolation prize ever.
Suddenly I got a better one.
The stone door leading to the next floor opened up with a rumble.
Right next to it, on the other side of the doorway, was the ‘Chutes and Ladders’ shortcut to the first floor, though it was still sealed shut.
Strange to think that Cirra was standing 15 feet above me. She was still at the beginning of this level, sending a tornado up through the shortcut tunnel to keep Jen and the others at bay.
However, if that open door meant I’d reached the next floor, that also meant there were more monsters.
More monsters meant imminent death.
I chose imminent death.
I ran through the entrance – but Zoran somersaulted like a ninja and leapt up in front of me.
I stopped short and took a step backwards.
Just beyond the Monk lay darkness and who knew how many helpfully homicidal creatures.
Dammit!
So close…
I stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do. A Monk on one side of me, an Undead Shaman on the other – and both were stalking toward me like jungle cats.
“It will be easier if you simply give up,” Zoran said.
“I don’t know,” Sketterex leered. “I’d like to torture him for what that orc did to me back there.”
“If you’ve got any ideas, Alaria, I’d love to hear them,” I said nervously.
- Take me out of your shirt!
I didn’t see what good that was going to do, but I reached into my shirt and pulled out the tiny dungeon core.
- DEEK! she cried, though I could only hear her in my head. Deek, if you can hear me, it’s Alaria! Please, I need your help!
Suddenly, to my immediate left, the ‘chutes and ladders’ door slid open with a gravelly crrruk!
I could see a smooth spiral slide just beyond the door jamb. A single torch flickered weakly above it.
I could also hear the muted roar of Cirra’s wind tunnel above me. The air must have been blocked off, because even though she was 15 feet directly over my head, there was nary a breeze to be felt.
I stared at the open chute in shock.
- It’s Deek! Alaria shouted joyously. GET IN THERE!
Zoran realized what was happening just as I did.
“STOP HIM!” he yelled at Sketterex –
But the slab separating the two floors SLAMMED down behind me, cutting me off from the Shaman.
I glanced at Zoran, then turned to dive for the chute.
“Oh no you don’t!” the Monk snarled.
He was just about to leap at me when something else got him first.
It was one of the wyverns from the thousand-foot atrium. It leapt through the nearest open window and tackled Zoran to the ground, then proceeded to go to town on him like a reptilian Cuisinart.
- GO! Alaria screamed, and I jumped.
I hit the slick, sloped surface and began to slide downward in a spiral. Between the flickering torches lining the curved walls, I caught glimpses of horizontal stone platforms sliding back into the wall. Had even one remained in place, I would have come to the end of my trip pretty damn quickly – but they all retracted, and I kept on sliding.
I tried counting the floors as I slid past, but at least five had already gone by when I started, and the rest became a jumbled blur. 5, 6, 7… 10… 15…
/> Then I remembered that I had started on the 12th floor and already passed five. By the time I did some quick mental math to come up with 32, I was sure I had passed another 10. I gave up counting as I spiraled downward in the flickering light of the torches –
And then a door suddenly opened up as the corkscrew came to an end.
I slid out of the tunnel onto a small runway, slowed to a halt after a few yards, and blinked at the much brighter room I’d entered.
Did I say room?
Make that a stadium.
The place was gigantic, the size of an NFL sports arena – except it was all made of marble and lit by softly shimmering crystals on sconces in the walls.
There were beautiful balconies, statues in alcoves, fountains topped with sculptures burbling with water. The arched cathedral ceilings a hundred feet above me were covered with paintings that looked like lost masterpieces of the Renaissance. The overall impression was like someone had crossed the inside of a Viennese opera house with the fountains and statues of Florence, Italy – but with orcs, elves, and dwarves instead of Roman gods.
I registered all that in an instant… but then I completely forgot it, because something much more pressing was right in front of me.
Thousands and thousands of creatures were gathered in a crowd and looking right at me.
There were all the monsters I’d seen on the floors above: centaurs. Satyrs. Fauns. Gorgons. Harpies. Ogres. Ents. Wyverns. Golems. Hags. Gremlins. Hobgoblins. Kobolds. Minotaurs. Elemental spirits. All the various water creatures we’d encountered in the grotto.
And there were many more creatures I hadn’t seen yet, but which doubtless would have shown up on the other levels: manticores. Chimeras. Nymphs. Dryads. And dozens and dozens more.
To top it all off, a green dragon towered above the crowd, its horned head nearly brushing the ceilings above it.
And all of them were looking directly at me.
To say I was terrified was an understatement. Let’s just say I was glad there was no crapping in OtherWorld, otherwise my pants would have had a good-sized Hershey’s squirt in them.
But none of the creatures attacked me. They watched cautiously, but none struck an aggressive pose.
I gingerly got up off the floor.
- Don’t worry, they won’t hurt you, Alaria said.
“You’re sure?”
- If they wanted to kill you, the ten closest ones could have already done it by now.
True…
Then suddenly, the crowd began to part. First the front line, then the monsters behind them, until a channel appeared through them like Moses parting the Red Sea.
The intent was obvious: Come this way.
I swallowed hard, and began to walk through the crowd on wobbly knees.
Everywhere I turned, inhuman eyes stared at me. Yellow glowing ones; white blank ones; red burning ones; the slitted eyes of reptiles. All just watched me in silence as I crept forward through the hall.
Finally, once I’d passed the dragon – whose scaly, scraping tail sounded like an avalanche of stones as it lumbered out of my way – the remaining crowd parted, and I could see marble steps leading up to a stone platform at the far end of the room.
Behind the platform were the most elaborate sculptures yet – hundreds of feet of beautiful statues frozen in a battle scene from some great war out of the past. But none of it was nearly as mesmerizing as what sat in front of it.
On top of a rounded, elegant marble pedestal sat a two-foot-tall crystal. At least, two feet were visible – though I suspected at least part of the crystal was embedded within the pedestal itself.
The stone glowed with unearthly, purplish light. Deep beneath the facets of its crystalline surface, flecks of amethyst sparkled like stars in some far-off galaxy.
As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked around to see if any of the creatures were going to stop me.
None did, so I walked up the steps in awe, wondering if I should bow, or kneel, or what.
I wondered if it would communicate with me telepathically, the way Alaria did.
When it finally spoke, though, its words were audible for all to hear.
I had been expecting the wise, soft voice of a Sir Alec Guinness… or maybe the commanding tones of Sir Ian McKellen crying out, You shall not pass!
Or at least some other ‘Sir.’
Somebody regal… majestic… British.
Yeah… not so much.
The booming blast of a bass at a Metallica concert slammed into my body.
“ALARIA?! IS THAT YOU, BABY?! DAAAAAMN, GIRL, YOU LOOKIN’ FINE!”
25
I stood there staring at the crystal in shock.
It sounded like JB Smoove from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David’s streetwise black houseguest.
Actually, make that JB Smoove yelling through a bullhorn right into my ear.
Any second I kept expecting him to bust out with, E-jack-uh-lit? Well it could’n’ta been mine – you know why? Cuz I gets mines, Larry! I brings the ruckus to the ladies!
Apparently Alaria wasn’t taken aback by all the shouting, though.
- Hey, Deek!
“IT IS YOU! COME ON, NOW, BRING YOUR BAD ASS ON OVER HERE SO I CAN GET A GOOD LOOK ATCHA!”
I just stood there in shock, not doing anything.
- Um, Ian? Alaria said.
Before I could answer her, the dungeon core spoke again.
“HEY, MEATBAG, GET A MOVE ON! LIFT MY LADY UP SO I CAN SEE HER!”
I looked around in confusion, and finally realized who he was talking to.
“…you mean me?” I asked, pointing to myself.
“YEAH, DUMBASS, ‘COURSE I MEAN YOU! YOU SEE ANYBODY ELSE CARRYIN’ A DUNGEON CORE AROUND THEIR NECK?”
I hurriedly fumbled the chain out of my shirt. As I did, the purple crystal kept booming.
“DAMN, ALARIA, YOU GOTTA PICK YO’ SERVANTS BETTER. HE KIND OF SLOW IN THE HEAD, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”
- Actually, he’s my former master.
“‘FORMER’? WHAT HAPPENED? YOU FALLEN ON HARD TIMES, GIRL?”
“…what?” I said, pretty sure that was a diss.
- No, everything was going great until my soul got trapped inside this crystal.
“WHAT YOU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, ‘TRAPPED’? THIS AN UPGRADE, GIRL! DAMN, YOU LOOK FINE! GOT THOSE FIIIINE CRYSTALLINE PLANES GOIN’ ON!”
Alaria giggled.
– You always were a smooth talker.
I realized that I was hearing the dungeon core in front of me with my ears, but I could still only hear Alaria’s voice inside my head.
“Um, excuse me,” I said, tentatively raising one finger. “You can hear her?”
“‘COURSE I CAN HEAR HER! HOW YOU THINK I’M CARRYIN’ ON A CONVERSATION WITH HER, MOTHAFUCKA? SHE’S SPEAKIN’ DUNGEON CORE! I’M JUST SURPRISED YOUR MEATBAG ASS CAN HEAR HER!”
“Only when I touch her,” I said.
“OHHHH – YOU PROGRESSIN’ ALREADY, BABY! COMMUNICATIN’ WITH MEAT BAGS – THAT’S PRETTY GOOD FOR JUST BEIN’ BORN! SO THAT’S YOUR DUNGEON FAIRY STILL BUZZIN’ AROUND UP THERE, HUH?”
- Yeah – can you make sure she’s safe?
“SURE, BABY, I’LL SEND SOMEBODY TO GO GET HER RIGHT NOW.”
As they kept talking, I translated Deek’s comment about ‘being born’ into ‘Level 1’ – and that made me instantly curious to find out what level this guy was at. As he and Alaria continued to talk, I selected the crystal and peered at his stats.
Holy Mary Mother of God.
Dungeon Core – Level 972.
But strangely, only 50,000 hit points –
“HEY, MEAT BAG – I CAN FEEL YOU DOIN’ THAT, YOU KNOW. IT AIN’T POLITE TO GO LOOKIN’ AT A PERSON’S PRIVATES WITHOUT ASKIN’.”
I stepped back in alarm. “You could feel that?”
I had never, ever encountered any other creature in OtherWorld that could tell when you were checking out its stats.
Of course, I�
��d never encountered a dungeon core other than Alaria, either.
“COURSE I CAN, MOTHAFUCKA! HOW’D YOU LIKE IT IF I PULLED DOWN YO’ PANTS TO TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT YOU GOT, HUH?”
“S-Sorry…” I stuttered.
- Goddess, Ian, what were you doing? Alaria asked in embarrassment.
“AHHH, JUST SOME WARLOCK SHIT, BABY,” Deek said dismissively, then spoke to me again. “JUST DON’T DO IT AGAIN, MEATBAG. NOW WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT GETTIN’ TRAPPED IN THERE, BABY?”
- It’s a long story, but the short version is a former master put me in here.
“NOT THIS DUDE?”
There was a calamitous noise behind me, a thousand growls and roars.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw that all the creatures in the underground cathedral were rearing up to attack me. The dragon had opened its mouth, and I saw the glow of a flame in the back of its throat.
“Aaaaah!” I yelled as I stumbled backwards in fright.
- No, no, he freed me! Alaria said quickly.
“OH… SIMMER DOWN, EVERYBODY.”
All the monsters and creatures suddenly eased off, and the fire in the dragon’s open mouth extinguished.
I stood there trembling.
Second virtual Hershey’s squirt moment.
“SO YOU AIN’T A SLAVE NO MORE? HUH…” I could tell from the tone of Deek’s voice that he had shifted his attention to me. “SORRY, MEATBAG – MAYBE I MISJUDGED YOU.”
- I, uh… actually, I’m in love with him, too, Alaria admitted.
“WHAAAAAT?” the dungeon core exclaimed, then howled with laughter. “HAHAHA – I DON’T BELIEVE IT! FUCK-CRAZY ALARIA SETTLIN’ DOWN WITH ONE MAN?”
- One MAN. Not one person.
“OHHHHH – YOU GETTIN’ SOME LADY STRANGE ON THE SIDE, HUH? HAHAHA – THAT’S THE ALARIA I KNOW!” Then I could tell Deek was speaking to me again. “WELL, MOTHERFUCKA, IF YOU GOOD BY ALARIA, YOU GOOD BY ME.”
“Uh… thanks…”
The voice shifted to speak to all the creatures out in the cavern. “WE GOOD! Y’ALL GO ON, NOW!”
The creatures all began to slink away and disappear into various alcoves set into the walls.
“NOW, WHAT YOU DOIN’ COMIN’ AROUND THIS WAY, BABY? SOMEHOW I DON’T THINK YOU JUST DROPPED IN TO SAY HELLO.”
- No. I need your help, Deek. I want back in my own body.
“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT THAT?!”