by A. J. Markam
I hit ‘Accept,’ but as soon as I did, I froze.
Wait a second…
It all came flooding back in an instant as I remembered last night…
…the nuns…
…and Urik and his 30,000 gold.
I groaned inwardly.
If I did what the dungeon core wanted me to, there was no way I was collecting on Urik’s bribe.
“Um… Deek?” I asked hesitantly. “Are you sure I can’t give you to the Church instead?”
“WHAT?! YES I’M SURE, MOTHAFUCKA! THEM HOLY ROLLERS’LL COME IN AND START TRYIN’ TO BLESS SHIT AND CLEAN OUT MY PEEPS! THEY’RE ANNOYIN’ AS A MOTHERFUCKER! NAW, IT GOTTA BE THE DUCHESS. SHE KIND OF A BITCH, BUT SHE COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE. SHE DON’T COME DOWN HERE, SHE JUST COLLECT HER TAXES FROM THE OTHER MEATBAGS AND CALLS IT A DAY. THEM CHURCH MOTHERFUCKERS’LL BE ALL UP IN MY ASS. NAW, MAN, JUST GIVE ME TO THE DUCHESS.”
“Here’s the thing. The little guy – the player – ”
“THE MIDGET?”
I paused.
“…yes, the ‘midget’… he offered me a bunch of gold to decide in favor of the church.”
“OH,” Deek said in disgust. “I SEE HOW IT IS.”
“What are you talking about?”
“YOU JUS’ LIKE ALLLL THE REST OF ‘EM: A GREEDY MOTHERFUCKER.”
“No, no,” I said hurriedly. “The only reason I want the gold is to pay off those three bounty hunters. I mean, if it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t even ask – ”
“YOU KNOW I’M HELPIN’ YOUR GIRL GET BACK IN HER BODY, RIGHT?” Deek asked coldly.
“Yes – yes, and I’m super grateful for that – ”
“APPARENTLY NOT THAT GRATEFUL.”
“Look, I’m perfectly willing to say ‘fuck the bribe.’ If it’s a choice between money or Alaria, I’m going to choose Alaria every single time. But those bounty hunters are a pain in my ass, and the last one we ran into nearly killed her. That’s why she’s in the crystal right now.”
- Yeah, Deek, Alaria’s voice suddenly spoke up. Can’t you help us out?
“GIRL, I’M ALREADY HELPIN’ YO’ CRIMSON ASS OUT!” Deek yelled.
- You’re already rich, Deek!
“YEAH, CUZ I DON’T GO GIVIN’ HANDOUTS TO EVERY CRACKHEAD WHO WALKS THROUGH MY DAMN DOOR!”
- No, just every dwarf with a sword, and every Mage who –
“I AIN’T GOT NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER!” Deek roared. “I GOTTA GIVE OUT MONEY, ELSE THEY’D COME IN HERE AND RIP MY BALLS OFF!”
- You’re a dungeon core. You don’t HAVE balls.
“I WAS SPEAKIN’ METAPHORICALLY!”
- Oh, give me a break –
“SPEAKIN’ OF BREAKS, THIS AIN’T NO BREAK! GET ON BACK TO MAKIN’ STONE BRIDGES IN YO’ HEAD!” Deke yelled.
- But –
“GO ON, NOW!”
Alaria grumbled, but went silent.
There was a long pause, and then Deek asked mistrustfully, “HOW MUCH YOU NEED, MEATBAG?”
I sighed. I would have liked to have said a couple of million in gold, but my gut told me this could go spectacularly wrong if I lied.
“30,000.”
“OH, SHIT – I CAN DEFINITELY DO THAT, HOMIE,” the dungeon core chuckled. “I THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA TRY TO BILK ME OUT OF A COUPLE MIL.”
Score one for honesty.
…I think.
“Do you think you could advance me the money so I can pay off those bounty hunters?” I asked hopefully.
“YOU KNOW I’M DOIN’ YOUR GIRL A SOLID BY HELPIN’ HER GET BACK IN HER BODY, RIGHT? AIN’T NOBODY CAN DO THAT SHIT BUT ME – YOU DO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?”
“Yeah,” I grumbled.
“OKAY, THEN, I AIN’T GIVIN’ YOU SHIT TILL YOU DELIVER. YOU MAKE SURE THE DUCHESS GETS TO KEEP ME, THEN YOU GETS THE GOLD – Y’HEAR?”
“Do you create the gold?”
“NAW, MONEY’S ONE OF THE ONLY THINGS I CAN’T CREATE. WHAT I GOT, I STORED UP OVER THE LAST FIVE CENTURIES. RIPPED OFF A LOTTA YOU MEATBAGS FOR ALL THE MONEY IN YO’ GREEDY LITTLE PURSES.”
My mouth started watering. “You mean… you’ve got all the money… stored up somewhere in the dungeon?”
“YEAH, MOTHAFUCKA.” His voice turned slightly teasing. “WHY… YOU WANNA SEE IT?”
I swallowed hard. “Could I?”
“WELL… ALRIGHT… BUT DON’T TAKE NOTHIN’ WITH YA – NOT A COIN. YOU DON’T GET SHIT TILL YOU DELIVER, HEAR?”
“Okay…”
Off to my right, the stones in the wall dissolved like another LSD hallucination. In the dim light beyond the doorway, I could see something glimmer.
I hurried over to see what it was and nearly shat my pants.
I was looking at a room about the size of five Olympic-sized swimming pools, and the entire space was filled with gold coins. Not a bit of stone floor shone through – it was all covered with yellow, glittering metal. Millions upon millions of coins glittered under the torches that lined the crypt walls. Hell, there were piles of gold tall as Canadian snowdrifts in the middle of winter.
Jesus I wanted to go all Scrooge McDuck and start swimming in it.
At the other end of the room, there was a corridor with an entrance and an exit in opposite walls. An assembly line of monsters walked through the corridor, scooping up a coin or two and carrying it with them out of the room.
“Is that where your resurrected guys get money for the adventurers?” I asked out loud.
“YUP,” Deek confirmed.
Suddenly a handful of gold coins rained down from the sky and clink clink clinked on a giant pile, causing a mini avalanche.
I looked up at the vaulted ceiling and saw dozens of chutes built into the stone. Every now and then, gold coins would rain down – sometimes a couple, sometimes a whole shower of them.
“Is that from dead adventurers?”
“YUP. I GOT A BUNCH OF LEPRECHAUNS ON EVERY FLOOR DIVVYIN’ UP THE STUFF WE GET OFF THE MEAT BAGS.”
“So… you’ve got a room for silver coins, too?”
“UH HUH. AND BRONZE AND DIAMONDS AND RUBIES AND EMERALDS AND ARMOR AND SWORDS AND MAGIC WANDS AND ALL SORTS OF SHIT.”
Holy crap.
I could only imagine all the wealth getting sorted out into rooms by little men in green suits and hats.
I realized it was all just a story. The game was merely using an elaborate backstory to justify where all the loot came from that the dungeon doled out. But it was an enticing story, and one that fueled all sorts of greedy visions in my head.
I bent down and sifted my hand through the pile of gold at my feet, feeling the coins slide through my fingers. I swallowed hard as I listened to them clink musically against each other. “You think I could just – ”
“NO! GO ON, NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!” Deek chided me. “YOU’LL GET YOURS WHEN YOU TELL THEM CHURCH MOTHERFUCKERS I’M THE DUCHESS’S!”
I reluctantly dumped all the gold back onto the floor, sighed, and stepped out of the room – at which point the door reformed behind me, and all that money disappeared from view.
I promised myself that this was going to be one quest I finished, no matter what.
“So I’ve gotta pretend to be the Grand Inquisitor and give you over to the Duchess,” I reiterated.
“YEAH. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GO MAKIN’ THE CHURCH MAD, THOUGH. KEEP ‘EM HAPPY.”
I frowned. “I don’t think that’s possible.”
“WHAT? WHY NOT?”
“I already agreed to Urik’s bribe! He’s going to be pretty pissed if I give you to the Duchess.”
“WELL, MAKE SURE YOU HANDLE THAT SHIT, HOMIE, CUZ IF YOU DON’T, THEY MIGHT JUST ROLL OVER THE DUCHESS AND COME IN HERE AND SHUT ME DOWN FOR GOOD. THEY BEEN MAKIN’ NOISE ABOUT DOIN’ IT FOREVER.”
“‘Shut you down’?”
“YEAH.”
“How would they shut you down?”
“WHAT YOU THINK, MOTHAFUCKA?! KILL MY ASS!”
“Oh shit,” I muttered. “You
think they’d actually try?”
“MMM… FUCKERS PROBABLY JUST BLUFFIN’, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WITH YOU MEATBAGS.”
“Has anybody tried to kill you before?”
“COURSE THEY HAVE – BUT YOU GOTTA BE A POWERFUL MOTHAFUCKA JUST TO GET TO THE LAST 25 FLOORS, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’? NOBODY’S EVER MADE IT TO MY CRIB BEFORE.”
“Except me?”
“DUDE, I LET YOU IN.”
“Well… I’m honored.”
“YOU SHOULD BE. AIN’T NO HUMANS EVER BEEN DOWN HERE, NOT FOR FIVE HUNDRED YEARS.”
“Is that how old you are?”
“FUCK YEAH. I BEEN AROUND A MINUTE, YO.”
“Did you start as a hundred-level dungeon?”
“FUCK NO. GO ON OVER TO THE FOUNTAIN OVER THERE, I GOT SOMETHIN’ TO SHOW YA.”
There was a fountain over on the side of the hall that trickled water into a stone basin. As soon as I walked over to it, the pool rippled. A faint image of a landscape appeared, like a movie projected onto the surface of the water.
“Holy shit,” I murmured.
“WHAT, YOU THINK THAT’S IMPRESSIVE? DAMN, MEATBAG, AIN’T YOU SEEN ANYTHING AROUND HERE THE LAST COUPLA HOURS?”
I was going to protest that I was fairly used to dungeons, whereas I hadn’t seen any movies projected onto small ponds before, but Deek was already off and running as he narrated a series of images.
The first was a tiny purple crystal, half-embedded in the ground, glowing inside a dark cave. There was no sound other than Deek’s voice.
“I STARTED OFF LIKE ALARIA DID – JUST A LITTLE TINY FUCKER. WOKE UP ONE DAY IN A CAVE THINKIN’, ‘WHAT DA FUCK? HOW DA FUCK DID I GET HERE?’”
The water rippled, and new images appeared: rock falling away to create tunnels. Water spouting from springs in the walls. Ceilings crumbling and piles of human bones hitting the floor – then swirls of purple energy causing the bones to assemble themselves into walking skeletons.
“I EVENTUALLY STARTED FIGURIN’ THINGS OUT, BUILDIN’ FLOORS, USIN’ MAGIC, CREATIN’ STUFF… AND I STARTED ATTRACTIN’ MEATBAGS LOOKIN’ TO KILL SHIT ‘N GET GOLD.”
A band of human adventurers entered the cave with weapons drawn. The tiny purple crystal sat at the end of the room, illuminating them faintly.
Suddenly a group of skeletons in battered armor appeared out of nowhere and ran the adventurers through with rusty swords.
“ONCE I STARTED KILLIN’ MEATBAGS, I USED THEIR LIFE FORCE TO GROW AND GET EVEN BIGGER.”
Wisps of white energy rose out of the dying adventurers’ mouths, and swirled into the crystal – which expanded a couple of millimeters.
Then there was a montage of adventurers getting killed, with a superimposed image of the crystal getting larger and larger.
“STARTED GETTIN’ CREATURES COMIN’ BY, ASKIN’ IF THEY COULD SERVE ME. SO I LET ‘EM.”
A group of three-foot-tall humanoids entered the now-massive labyrinth of tunnels. The creatures had grey skin, white hair, and glowing yellow eyes, with tiny bows and quivers of arrows strapped to their naked backs. But rather than draw their weapons, they all bent on one knee and bowed their heads.
The purple crystal – now a foot tall – emerged from the floor as though rising out of a trap door in a theater. It glowed brightly, and swirls of energy floated from its angular surface and touched each of the grey humanoids.
“YOU KNOW, DUNGEONS AN’ WARLOCKS HAVE SOME SHIT IN COMMON.”
“They do?” I asked, surprised.
“YEAH – YOU FUCKERS SUMMON DEMONS AND BIND ‘EM TO YOU, AND THEN BRING ‘EM BACK FROM THE DEAD, RIGHT?”
“Yeah…?”
“I CAN BIND CREATURES TO ME, TOO, AN’ BRING ‘EM BACK TO LIFE IF THEY DIE.”
On the surface of the pool, the little grey humanoids fired their arrows at a group of adventurers, but were killed off one by one with bolts of lightning from a Mage.
Then the pool cut to the crystal, which glowed brightly. Swirls of energy drifted out and formed into humanoid shapes. There was a flash of light, and the humanoids were suddenly standing there, alive and unharmed.
“THOUGH I ONLY DO IT IF THEY WANNA COME LIVE IN HERE AND WORK WITH ME. I DON’T GO AROUND YANKIN’ DEMONS OUTTA HELL AND SLAPPIN’ COLLARS ON ‘EM.”
The pool showed a dark figure in robes, arms extended and black lightning arcing out of his fingertips. A succubus emerged from the nexus of black energy and fell to her knees, clutching at the collar around her throat as she screamed in silent agony.
“I don’t either,” I protested.
“NEVER?”
“…well… not anymore,” I groused.
“I’M JUST MESSIN’ WITH YA. IF ALARIA SAYS YOU OKAY, THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. ANYWAY, THAT’S HOW I GOT SO MANY FOLKS LIVIN’ AND FIGHTIN’ IN HERE – THEY HEARD ABOUT ME AND WANTED A SAFE PLACE TO STAY FROM YOU DAMN MEATBAGS KILLIN’ EVERYTHING, SO THEY VOLUNTARILY BOUND THEMSELVES TO ME.”
The water’s surface showed an entire tribe of kobolds entering the dungeon. An army of creatures – dark elves, centaurs, the grey humanoids, harpies, and more – emerged from the tunnels. The kobolds all dropped to their hands and knees, and the crystal rose from the floor once more to bind them with swirls of purple light.
“IN FACT, THAT’S HOW I MET ALARIA. SHE GOT FREE SOMEHOW AND CAME ON BY.”
The water rippled, and I watched as my succubus entered the cave hesitantly, one hand against the wall. She looked exactly the way she did now – not a bit of difference in her age or appearance.
“I WAS, LIKE, 70 FLOORS BACK THEN OR SOMETHIN’. I LET HER MOVE IN FOR A WHILE. SHE WAS A PRETTY DAMN GOOD FIGHTER. DIDN’T HAVE TO RESURRECT HER MUCH OR NOTHIN’.”
A band of adventurers entered an underground room, fighting a swarm of creatures following them. Up in the shadows of the stalactite-covered ceiling, black wings unfurled – and Alaria launched herself at the unsuspecting fighters, her teeth bared and fingers curled into claws.
One by one, the adventurers were wiped out.
“ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME IS I LET HER GO WHEN SHE WANTED OUT.”
There was an image of Alaria walking out of the mouth of a hillside cave, waving to a whole menagerie of creatures that waved back. Cradled in the arms of a massive ogre was the crystal, which pulsed purple and pink.
“I freed her!” I snapped.
- He’s just fucking with you, Ian, Alaria’s voice spoke in my head.
“GET BACK TO WORK, GIRL!” Deek yelled. “DID I SAY YOU COULD TAKE A BREAK? MAKE ME SOME MORE UNDERGROUND RIVERS ‘N SHIT!”
- When do I actually get to build something in the real world?!
“WHEN I SAY YOU READY – AND YOU AIN’T READY! NOW BUILD ME A WATERFALL, BITCH!”
- Fine, she grumbled.
“I WAS JUST FUCKIN’ WITH HER,” Deek chuckled to me. “SHE ACTUALLY DOIN’ A PRETTY DAMN GOOD JOB FOR A BABY DUNGEON.”
- You know I can still hear you through Ian’s head even when you’re NOT talking directly to me, right? Alaria asked.
“OH SHIT… HAHAHA! BUS-TED!”
- Yeah. Asshole.
“GO ON, NOW, GET ON BACK TO WORK.”
I didn’t hear anything more from Alaria, so I assumed she went back to building rivers and waterfalls ‘and shit.’
Deek addressed me again. “YOU KNOW I GOT CREATURES IN HERE AIN’T ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD?”
“Really?”
“YEAH. YOU FUCKIN’ MEATBAGS KILLED OFF THE REST OF ‘EM. THEY HAD TO COME IN HERE TO BE SAFE.”
I wanted to protest that it wasn’t my fault. Hell, none of what he had described had even happened! Deek was just reciting a backstory a bunch of game programmers had written for him.
But what he was saying hit uncomfortably close to him. After all, it tended to be the way humans dealt with endangered animals… and, let’s be honest, with any other humans who stood in their way of acquiring land, money, or power. So I just shut up and watched as the water rippled again.
&
nbsp; A bearded monarch in a crown pinned a golden brooch on the robes of a kneeling man in blue robes.
“ANYWAY, SOME DOUCHEBAG KING WANTED TO SET UP SHOP ‘N MAKE MONEY OFFA ME, SO HE PUT SOME ASS-HAT IN CHARGE, CALLED HIM A DUKE, AND NAMED EVERYTHING ABOVE ME ‘VOS.’”
The man in blue robes stood on an open plain with nothing around but a stone shack amongst tall grass. I immediately recognized it as the entrance to Deek’s dungeon. The Duke was talking to a group of men in tradesmen’s clothes who held out scrolls of parchment with drawings of buildings on them.
There was a cross-fade, and instead of a grassy plain, there was now a grand coliseum build around the tiny stone hut – the same coliseum I’d entered just hours ago.
“THAT WAS, LIKE, 80 YEARS AGO OR SOMETHIN’. AND THEN THE DUKES HAD LITTLE DUKES, AND THEY GREW UP AND HAD MORE DUKES.”
The man in blue was in a giant stone palace now, and laughed as a tiny boy in royal blue clothes ran towards him. The man swept the child up into his arms and twirled him around in the air.
The image faded to a dark bedroom. The Duke, now grey-haired and balding, lay on his deathbed, his eyes closed and mouth slack. A younger man in blue wept as he clasped his father’s hand.
Then there was a montage of the young man stepping out onto a balcony before a throng of cheering commoners…
…the same man watching from the same balcony as a battle waged outside the walls of Vos…
…and a royal wedding of the man in middle age to a very young woman with short blonde hair. I immediately recognized her as Evala, the Duchess I’d had sex with. She looked a good ten years younger in the pool of water than she had last night.
“ONE OF ‘EM MARRIED SOME CHICK BEFORE HE UPPED AND KICKED THE BUCKET…”
There was an image of the Duke falling from his horse during a hunt, then a cross-fade to a funeral with the Duchess dressed all in black at his graveside, though she was dry-eyed and stone-faced.
The final image was of her seated on the throne in a bright blue dress as the entire court of noblemen bowed their heads in supplication.
“…AND THAT’S THE DUCHESS WHO LIVES RIGHT UP OVER ME.”
“She doesn’t literally live above you, does she?”
“YEAH, MAN – I’M SPREAD OUT ALL UNDER THIS DAMN TOWN! THE CASTLE’S RIGHT ABOVE US. I MEAN, A HUNDRED FLOORS ABOVE US AND ANOTHER THIRTY FEET OF ROCK ABOVE THAT, BUT – YEAH, IT’S ABOUT 2000 FEET DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HEAD.”