I peek down at Rae when she doesn’t say anything. There’s a hard frown on her face, a perplexed bend to her brows.
“Well, what happened next?” she asks, looking up at me.
There’s sadness in her eyes. It makes me uneasy, but I continue. “The woman was gone by the time we hit the sand. Nowhere in sight. A man came rushing down the beach and snatched the little girl up. He was bawling and thanking me. I asked a million times over if the girl was okay and he just kept saying, ‘She’s breathing. Oh, thank god, she’s breathing.’ It was hard to watch and I didn’t know what else to do…so I left.”
Rae’s quiet for so long that I begin to drift off to sleep.
“Do you know what happened to the little girl?” she asks, sounding like she’s almost asleep herself.
I sigh because it’s something I’ve wondered myself over the years. “No, but I wish I had stayed to find out.”
“Me too,” she says softly.
It’s the last thing I hear before I give in to sleep.
26
Rae
“Can we go outside and play, please? I wanna touch the water again!” Joey’s bouncing up and down, a grin splitting her face.
Hudson’s been gone getting birthday donuts for about fifteen minutes and she’s been bouncing off the walls for fourteen of them. I have no clue how he does this all the time, but as exhausting as she is, she’s adorable as hell.
This is now the second time she’s mentioned touching the water. I’m nervous to take her out there by myself, because I get this icky feeling whenever I stare at the water for too long, but it’s impossible to look her in her blue eyes and tell her no. So, I don’t.
“Well…since I’m the birthday girl, I say yes! Let’s grab Rocky and head out there before your daddy gets back.”
“Woo!” she shouts and does a little victory jig.
I try to remember how far Hudson let her wade out yesterday. I think she gets a little farther out than he permitted, but she’s seems to be doing fine, so I let it go.
I stand there watching her, not touching the water myself, and let the wind whip my hair around. It’s another cloudy day, so the water is choppy. It reminds me of another time, but I can’t place it, so I ignore the tug my head is giving me.
Feeling a little brave, I take two steps forward, close enough that the smallest amount of water touches my toes. It’s cold but still feels good. I take another step.
“Oh! You’re coming in! Yay! Come out farther—come out here with me!” a tiny voice yells.
In the deepest part of my mind, I know it’s Joey, but in the forefront, the part that counts, I hear and see myself when I was seven and I’m transported to another time.
It’s like my nightmare, only this time I’m not the little girl in the ocean—I’m my mother. I watch as seven-year-old me struggles hard to keep her head up. I even hear her yelling for help repeatedly, but I do nothing. I try hard to move my feet, but I can’t. I have no control over anything.
Then, suddenly, there’s a little boy in front of me with a striking pair of blue-green eyes. He looks so familiar, but I can’t seem to place him.
He begins waving his arms in front of my face frantically. He’s yelling and pointing toward the water. Everything he’s saying comes out mushed together, but I assume he’s begging me to help the little girl.
I do nothing except watch as he fights the waves to reach the girl. As soon as he does, I turn around to begin walking back to the house and run straight into Hudson.
I look him in the eyes and gasp.
“It’s you,” I say on a whisper. My head feels like I’ve spent too much time on a merry-go-round and my vision is hazy.
His mouth is twisted up and his eyes unsure. “Of course it’s me. “Rae…” he says slowly. “Where’s Joey?”
“I…I don’t know…” My head is still spinning. “But it was you, Hudson. You were the little boy.”
“Rae,” he says, taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. “Rae, where’s Joey? Where’s my daughter?” He shakes me again, harder this time.
“I don’t…I don’t know. She was in the water, but she was me…” He drops his hold on me instantly and sprints off toward the water, yelling a string of cuss words.
“You were him. You were the little boy,” I say to myself.
“JOEY! Fuck! Joey!” I barely hear Hudson yell.
The thumping in my head feels like someone is taking tiny hammer and whack, whack, whacking away. I grab on to it with both hands and squeeze, hoping that maybe if I do it hard enough, the pounding will stop. It doesn’t.
Next, I try my heart, because it feels like it’s going to explode. That doesn’t work either.
Everything hurts. Everything inside of me feels like it’s being meticulously pulled apart—every little molecule of my being getting plucked from within, slowly and painfully, and it hurts so, so bad.
I feel like there’s something I should be doing—anything other than just standing here—but I can’t figure it out.
Then the anger sets in—all of it at once. I don’t know what it means or why I’m so furious, but I’m shaking; I can feel my blood boiling. I clench and unclench my fists, ready to strike at whatever is near. I’m looking around, spinning in a circle, when I see what it was I was supposed to be doing all along.
Hudson grabs a small floating body and something inside me breaks—or snaps back together. I’m not sure which.
Holy shit. It’s not a nightmare! It was real! My mother watched me drown. She let me drown.
Hudson saved me. I remember him clearly now—same dark hair, slightly longer and wet from the water. The look of panic on his face as he dragged me up the beach will be forever etched in my head now. Standing over me, he was drenched and breathing hard, and his eyes were still so beautiful. He watched as my dad cradled me in his arms. I remember him asking if I was okay, but it was so hard to hear him over my father’s crying.
The hardest part, though? Watching him walk away and silently begging for him to come back to me.
He did. He finally did—but now I’m not sure he’s going to stick around.
I take off running and reach him as he’s dropping her onto the ground. I fall to my knees next to them, tears streaming down my face.
“She’s not fucking breathing! Goddammit, Rae! What have you done!” he yells, pumping furiously at her tiny, unmoving chest.
I watch helplessly as he continues to pump. I watch powerlessly as he breathes air into the one person in this world that means the most to him.
Then suddenly, miraculously, Joey coughs and sucks in a huge breath of air, reaching for Hudson in an instant.
“Daddy!” she cries as he holds her securely, tears rolling down his cheeks.
As she falls apart in her father’s arms, I sit there and watch, my heart snapping in two. She looks just like Hudson did—soaking wet, tears streaming down her face. She’s breaking right in front of me and all I want to do is reach out to her, but I can’t, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to again.
Hudson looks at me over her shoulder, tears streaking his face. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay, bug. You’re okay. Shh. Calm down, honey. Shh,” he whispers endlessly to Joey.
This look—the one on Hudson’s face right now—it replaces everything I saw as a kid. This is the look of a scared father, a broken man.
And I did that to him.
He slowly fades away from me because I know—I know—this is the end for us.
In that moment, my whole world falls apart.
I spring to my feet as Hudson comes walking back into the living room and over to stand in front of me.
“How is she?” I ask, wringing my hands.
“She’s exhausted. Confused. Asleep.” He sighs heavily and runs his hand down his face. “I’m not much in the mood to play nice right now, Rae, so I’m just going to cut straight to it. What the fuck happened out there? Why weren’t you watching her?”
He’s seethin
g, and with good reason. I let him down. He trusted me with his most precious gift and I blew it.
“I… Shit. I honestly don’t know,” I tell him, biting my lip to keep from crying. I feel so ashamed right now. So embarrassed.
“Not good enough, Rae. I need more. Something. Anything.”
I sit back down and wipe away the single tear that’s managed to fall.
Breathe. In, out. In, out.
I start at the beginning.
“I’ve had this horrible recurring nightmare since I was seven. It’s always the same: I’m drowning in the ocean as my mother watches. I see a little boy. Then I sink. I wake up sweating every time at that point. Until today, I assumed it was a dream, but it’s not. It’s a memory,” I tell him. I see the moment it all clicks for him.
“I… You… I saved you. You were that little girl. Holy shit.” His eyes grow dark and he frowns as he drops his head into his hands.
“Today I had a flashback of sorts, only this time, I wasn’t me. I was my mother. I tried to move. I wanted to help Joey.” His head pops up at the mention of her name, and just like that, he’s back to being pissed. “But I couldn’t. Deep down I knew something was wrong about taking her out there on my own, but I couldn’t say no to her,” I say, choking on the last word. “I promise you, Hudson. I would never, ever want to hurt Joey—never want anything bad to happen to her. I am so, so sorry.”
He doesn’t say anything; he only stares at me.
“Hudson?” I say, reaching out to him. He jerks back and it hurts so fucking bad. My tears fall harder. “I didn’t mean for anything to happen—you have to believe me. I love Joey. I love you. You have to understand that.”
His eyes get watery and for a second—just a split second—I think I’m getting somewhere with him.
“I think… I think you need to leave, Rae,” he tells me quietly. He gets up and begins walking out of the room. Stopping halfway, he turns toward me slightly. “I’m not taking Joey anywhere tonight, and I think it would be best if you didn’t stay here. You can either take my car or have someone come pick you up. I’d prefer the latter.”
Then he leaves, taking my heart with him.
I call the only person I know who won’t ask questions or even hesitate to make the drive.
“Hello?”
“Perry…”
“Rae? What’s wrong?”
“Perry…” I try, my tears falling hard. “I… I need you.”
27
Hudson
“Just fucking call her already, asshole!” Tucker yells at me from across my desk.
It’s been over a week since I’ve talked to Rae, over a week since I’ve smiled at anything or anyone other than Joey. I’ve been nothing but a bundle of anger, which I feel I’m entitled to.
“It’s not that simple, Tucker,” Gaige tells him.
Gaige is right. It’s a lot more complicated than that.
I feel so damn guilty for letting anything happen to Joey. I was too busy being wrapped up in my “perfect family” fantasy to see how freaked the water made Rae. It’s all my fault. I should have never left her alone with Joey on the beach like that.
I know none of it was Rae’s fault, but I’m still pissed at her for not telling it to me straight about the nightmare she was having or how afraid of the water she is.
I get that it was all a horrible reliving of a traumatic event in her life, one she had blocked out in a way. I can understand that anyone would break from something like that, but I let my kid—my world—be in the middle of it. That’s not okay.
On top of all that, I’m embarrassed by the way I treated Rae after everything. I was so cold to her, so unaccepting of anything she said. I know she’s never going to forgive me and I can’t blame her.
So, I’ll continue to wallow, because that’s exactly what I deserve.
“Bullshit it’s not! Hand me the goddamn phone and I’ll do it. You just hit the green button next to her name. BOOM! Fucking done!”
“Tuck, man, chill. Take a deep breath,” Gaige tries again, always the voice of reason.
“No. I won’t ‘chill’. He’s spent the last week and some odd days doing nothing but moping about and chewing my ass for nothing. I’m damn sick of it.” They’re talking like I’m not even here now. “He needs to get his head out of his ass and fix his fucking personal life or leave that shit at the door. I’m done with it.”
I barely listen as Gaige goes for another round, attempting to soothe Tucker in any way. None of it works.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, man. Shut up or get out of my office and go home. I’m tired of hearing this shit,” I finally tell him.
He looks me dead in the eye. “No. I have work to do and—unlike you—I’m going to fucking do it instead of turning around to cry every five damn seconds. You get out. You go home. Go fix this shit or I’m done. I refuse to work with you like this. I love you like a brother, Hudson, but I’m tired of it. I’m tired of watching you beat yourself up over it.” He sighs. “I. See. You. None of it was on you, man. None of it was really on Rae. Get your shit together!” he yells one last time before he stomps out of my office.
I stare after him, barely hearing Gaige say, “Tucker was right,” before he leaves.
I sit and think. And think and think and think.
Then, something hits me. I grab my coat and keys and head out the door, going to the one person I know won’t feed me any bullshit, no matter what.
“Ma! You home?”
“In the living room, dear!”
I walk around the corner to find her doing some weird, incredibly uncomfortable-looking yoga move.
“Damn, Ma. That looks rough.”
“Quite the opposite. It’s relaxing,” she says, unfolding herself from the weird twisty thing she has going on and sitting down cross-legged on the floor. “Something you look like you need to do. What’s going on, kid? Spill.”
I sit down on the couch, facing her.
“I’m not sure I handled the Rae thing right,” I confess.
“Ya think,” she deadpans. I roll my eyes. “First, just because you’re a giant doesn’t mean I can’t still spank your ass for rolling your eyes. Second, you’re right. Simple as that.”
I sigh. “How do you know that though?”
“What’s my motto for everything?”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
She nods, a small smile forming on her lips. “You saved her, Hudson.”
I screw my face up, not sure what she’s getting at. She pats my knee. “You’ll get it. Don’t worry. I’m going to go make some coffee. You want anything?”
“Have any whiskey instead?”
“I have coffee, coffee, or apple juice. Your pick.”
I sigh. “Coffee is fine. Thank you.”
She gets up and heads to the kitchen, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I wish she hadn’t. Nothing is coming to me…at least nothing I want to think about. I groan and fall back onto the couch, closing my eyes and grasping my head as if that will make me see things better.
Fuck!
I know I need to forgive Rae. I know none of it was really her fault, but it’s hard. It’s hard to get over her not telling me about her nightmare or her fears. It’s hard to look past the fact that she was supposed to be watching after Joey. I was gone for twenty-five minutes tops, and Joey almost drowns. What would have happened if I had been gone thirty minutes? Or, hell, even twenty-six minutes? Where would Joey be? Where would Rae be? What would I have gone back to?
I’ll never know. I’ll never find that out, and I’m so damn thankful for that…but what if? That’s the part I can’t get through my head, the part I can’t get over.
I’m scared, terrified even, of something else happening to her under Rae’s watch, but I know—my heart knows—I shouldn’t be. This all happened because of what happened to Rae, and not any other reason. Rae’s still a responsible adult, and she’s damn good with Joey. I just need to get my head wrapped aroun
d that.
“You’re thinking too hard about it,” my mom says. I open my eyes to find her standing in the doorway. “Did I ever tell you about the time your dad left you in the car when you were about three?”
“What? No?” It comes out a question for some reason.
She nods and comes to sit next to me on the couch. “It’s true. It was on a hot summer day, too. Windows up and everything. He had picked you up from daycare and I was still at work when it happened. I pulled into the driveway after work and walked inside. I knew almost instantly something was wrong because you always greeted me at the door. Your father was passed out on the couch, snoozing away. I called your name over and over again, getting nothing but echoes back. My yelling roused your father from his sleep eventually. He was panicked, completely freaking out, calling for you too. We never got an answer. The cops were called and everything. A police officer just happened to look inside the car window a half hour after they arrived.”
My mouth falls open in shock. “What happened? How did dad forget about me?”
She shrugs. “He was exhausted, Hudson. We weren’t in the best financial spot and were both working long hours. You fell asleep on the way home and he just kind of zonked out, forgetting you were in the back seat since I was the one to usually pick you up.”
“Wow. I…I had no idea. I mean, I kind of remember the lights from the police cars, but nothing else. How did you two handle it?”
“Honestly? I was pissed for a long time. You were out there for over two hours, Hudson. That’s a long time in a hot car. The police said we were lucky you were already asleep so you didn’t panic or anything. That would have made it a lot worse,” she tells me. “We didn’t talk for almost two weeks. Two weeks. We lived together and were raising a kid together. That’s a long time to go without talking. It was hard, but then I just realized one day you were safe; you were okay. That was enough for me. I never once stopped loving your father in those two weeks. In fact, I think it made me love him more. My heart did nothing but crave his the entire time. If anything, I think the whole thing brought us closer together.”
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