“That hurt to watch,” he says as he cradles my head to his chest.
“It hurt to hear,” I tell him on a strangled whisper. “She called me a whore and said she was ashamed to call me her daughter.”
He squeezes me tighter, telling me sorry without saying it. Slowly pulling away, he cups my face between his hands and tilts my chin up so that we’re gazing at one another.
“Maura, you’re so strong and beautiful and brilliant. Don’t you dare listen to a word she says. You got it?”
“Got it.”
“You wanna go dance?”
Before I can answer, he’s pulling me onto the dance floor because the house is enormous enough to have a small ballroom. Tucker makes a show of it, bowing to me as if I were Cinderella or some shit. I laugh a little too loudly at his display because I know he’s doing it to piss off my mother, who he knows is watching me like a hawk.
Tucker catches me off guard, drawing me up close to him mid laugh and causing my breath to catch in my throat. I look up into his gaze, seeing that any hint of playfulness is gone and replaced by unfiltered desire.
“I love it when you do that. Your laugh is so hypnotizing,” he says in a gravelly voice.
We continue our formal, friendly dance around the small, hardly occupied dance floor. We’re lost in our own world, escaping in the comfort we find together and hiding from everything else.
“Where do you bartend at?” I ask to distract myself and because I’m insanely curious.
“Mic’s, but I don’t do it that often. Only when Gary needs me.”
“I had no idea.”
He shrugs. “It’s not a huge deal. He lets me play there whenever I want and helps fend off the suits for me, so I do what I can to give back to him.”
“Gary’s a good guy, huh?”
“The best.”
I can tell by his tone that he respects the owner of Mic’s and truly appreciates everything he does for him. Knowing that he takes none of it for granted, like I know most people would do, makes me like him that much more.
With our eyes locked on each other, I say, “Thank you for tonight, Tucker. Thanks for coming and letting me lean on you.
“Anytime. I would do it again in a heartbeat.”
I take his words, fold them up, and place them deep inside my heart for later. Because those nine words mean more to me than he’ll ever know, and I have a feeling I’ll be pulling them out again in the future.
The song comes to an end, but we don’t break apart. This continues through two more songs until Tucker abruptly stops. I follow suit, and then we’re standing there, staring at one another in that way we shouldn’t be.
Almost out of left field, Tucker dips his head, and I know where he’s aiming. My lips. I want so badly to reach up and meet his kiss, but that would be crossing lines I don’t want to cross.
Although I don’t want to cross lines, I don’t turn my head or duck out of the way. Instead I’m frozen there, watching as it all happens in slow motion.
Tucker moving closer to my waiting lips at an agonizingly slow place, causing my heart to work overtime.
The fire of pure want that keeps dancing in his gaze, as they flick between my doe-like eyes and parted lips.
Our harsh breaths mingling and our chests rapidly moving as he draws closer and closer and closer.
But then, at the very last possible second, when I feel his lips ghost against mine, he steers right and kisses my cheek lightly.
I close my eyes on a sigh, and we fall back into our dance, Tucker pulling me closer than before.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a quiet voice.
I squeeze my eyes closed and wish away the new tears that are threatening to form. He’s saying sorry for almost kissing me, for my mom, for wanting me the way he wants me. And for all the things he’s done to make this harder on me.
As much as I should apologize too, I don’t. Because I know that if I open my mouth, a sob will come out, further embarrassing my mother and putting me higher on her shit-list.
I should apologize for almost letting him kiss me, for my mom’s bitch-tude toward him, for wanting him and letting him want me although we both know nothing can ever come of it. All of it. But I don’t because I’m selfish and possibly stupid.
The song comes to an end, and we pull apart. “Restroom,” I squeak out, rushing off in search of a moment to myself. I hear him call my name, but I’m too focused on running up the stairs to get to the nearest balcony for air. Stepping up to the railing, I automatically regret not stopping to grab my jacket, because it’s starting to get chilly. I wrap my arms myself and stare off into the night.
The scene in front of me was always my favorite thing about growing up here. In the middle of our backyard was a massive, old tree. The tree was dead, but it was still beautiful. Actually, I think that was part of its charm. I won’t think about how similar it is to Tucker’s tattoo, because that would lead to all thoughts concerning Tucker, and he’s exactly what I’m trying to escape.
“Well, isn’t this cozy,” I hear from behind me.
I whirl around as the voice registers to me. “T-Tanner?” My voice is too high and sounds a bit panicked because I know the way I was dancing with his brother was inappropriate, and that’s without throwing in the almost kiss. I’m terrified he saw it all. “W-what are you doing here?”
Tanner takes two steps closer, the moonlight hitting his face this time. He seems…off. Not quite pissed, but not real happy either. I retreat one step at the displeasure I see on his face and bump into the railing.
“I could ask you the same thing, Maura.” He takes another step closer.
“I-I told you I was coming. My mom would have my ass if I didn’t show up.”
Tanner stares at me, his emotions still unknown to me until I see his jaw tick once. He’s definitely pissed off, probably worse than I’ve ever seen before. “Why haven’t you launched yourself into my arms yet?”
I immediately move forward and begin apologizing. “I’m sorry. You surprised me is all.”
I try to put my arms around him, and he backs away. I wish I could say I’m stunned by all this, but I’m not. I’m positive now that he saw Tucker and me dancing too close together, which means he also probably witnessed our almost kiss. I hang my head in shame.
“How long?” he says on a choked whisper that causes me to flinch. Everything in my body starts to hurt because I know how badly I’ve hurt him. “How long have you been in love with him?”
My head jerks up at his question. “I-I’m no—”
He puts his hand up. “Save it. It’s written all over your face. People may think I’m stupid, Maura, but I can assure you that I’m not. Friends don’t look at one another that way.”
My mouth hangs open at his accusation. Am I? Am I in love with Tucker? But how could I be?
I shake my head at him and Tanner snorts. I can feel the disgust coming off him in waves. “Feel like shit, huh? Cheating will do that to you.”
“I didn’t cheat!” I argue immediately, because I didn’t cheat. At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.
He sneers, and I steel myself against the hurtful words I know he’s about to toss my way, because I know he’s going to be honest. “Maybe not physically, but don’t tell me you didn’t fall in love with him and he didn’t fall in love with you. It’s emotional, Maura, and that’s still fucking cheating.”
I close my eyes, trying to block him out, but he doesn’t stop. “Do you have any idea how bad that hurts? I’d rather you screw him than fall in love with him, but I bet you did that too. Was he any good? Did he give you what I couldn’t? What about his dick? Is it bigger than mine?” he growls. “Tucker always was better than me at everything, so why wouldn’t he be better at fucking my girl than I am?”
I know he’s acting like a dick right now to try and hurt me back. My hand moves to my chest as the tears start falling, my body is wracked with sobs for the pain I know I’m caus
ing him. Tanner’s a soldier. Emotions and physical reactions aren’t his thing. Instead, he says how he feels with his words, and he basically told me I broke his fucking heart.
Stepping forward again, I try to grab his hand, but he shoves me off. “You fucking smell like him!” he yells. “Dammit!”
He stalks away and starts pacing, running his hands through his hair. I’m momentarily reminded of Tucker in the parking lot of Mic’s, the first time I ever saw him lose his cool.
Tucker. Where is he?
Another tear falls at the direction my thoughts took. I’m standing here, face-to-face with my boyfriend, knowing I’m hurting him, and I’m still thinking about Tucker. That’s beyond messed up.
“I came here to surprise you because I know how hard all this has been on you, and I find this. This! You in my asshole little brother’s arms, cozied up and mooning at one another like you’re both fifteen fucking years old. It’s sickening,” he continues. Tanner pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes and hanging his head. “He’s my brother,” he says quietly. “My fucking brother. I loved you, Maura. I honestly, truly loved you. You were—”
“But you didn’t,” I cut him off. I catch a breath between the tears, standing up straighter at his words. “You don’t know me, so how can you love me?”
“Know you? What that fuck are you smoking, woman? We’ve been together for eight months. How can I not know you?”
I swallow thickly. “You see who I want you to see, and you never try to explore beyond that, Tanner. You don’t see me.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Is that what this bullshit is? His fucking emotional ‘deep connection’ thing? I don’t do that crap, Maura! I don’t feel things like other people do. I’m trained to switch that shit off so I don’t hurt the same way. It takes a lot to crush me. But this? This fucking crushes me.”
“Tanner, I’m so—”
“Don’t you dare,” he seethes. “I don’t want to hear how ‘sorry’ you are. I don’t want to hear how you didn’t mean for it to happen. I don’t want to hear any of it.” Tanner stops pacing and twists toward me, pinning me with his heated glare. Then an almost sinister expression settles over his face, and I know I’m going to hate whatever it is he says next. “You want to know what I want? I want to forget about you. I want to forget that I met you. I want to go back to being me. And I never want to talk to you or my dickhead brother ever again. You can let him know that for me, yeah?”
“Tanner!” I yell a little too loudly at his retreating back.
He stops walking and says in a dead voice without facing me, “I told you that I don’t want to hear your apologies. I loved you, Maura, and you broke my fucking heart. But that’s not what hurts the most. He’s my brother. You both should have known better.”
“That’s not fair. You’re not here, and we barely talk anymore.”
He turns and stalks back toward me. I back up until my back hits the railing. “I’m in the fucking military. What exactly is it that you expect? You want me to drop everything for you? Come running whenever you please? Call or text you every hour? Can’t do that, babe. My country, my family, and girls. That’s my motto, and that’s what it’s always been. Guess I can drop those last two now.”
“That’s not what I want and you know it. I love that you love your country. I always admired that about you until Tucker told me the real reason you joined.”
“The reason I signed up may have been selfish, but I’ve changed a whole hell of a lot since I’ve been in. You can’t judge me based on the decisions I made when I was younger. That’s not fair.”
We’re both eerily calm now, and I’m not sure how false it is on his side, but I do know that I’m freaking out on the inside.
Before I can say anything, he speaks again. “Guess he told you about calling dibs on you first too, huh? So, yeah, I went after you hard at first to piss him off, but the more we talked, the more I liked you, and then I went and fell in love.”
The only thing I care about in the whole spiel is him going after me to piss his brother off. Who the fuck does that shit to their brother? Wait. Is that what this is with Tucker? Payback? I shudder at the thought that Tucker has played me.
No, no, no. Not possible. I feel different with Tucker. I feel how real it is.
Clinging to that, I push any ill thoughts aside and glare at the man standing in front of me. “That’s what started this? You going after me because of Tucker? You wanna preach to me about family and how much you honor it. That’s a real shit thing to do to blood, Tanner. I won’t mention how you talk about him when he’s not around. Your double standards are tiresome.”
He scoffs. “Whatever. You don’t want to admit that you fucked up.”
“I don’t? Fine. Yeah, I have feelings for Tucker. I have no idea what they mean or how deep they go, but we connect on a level you and I will never reach. I’ve had plans to break it off for a while now but wanted to do it in person.”
“Because seeing you and Tucker together was so much fun,” he mutters sarcastically.
“No, I’m sure it wasn’t. But now, after you admitted to pursuing me for shitty reasons, it makes me think a lot less of you and question—more than I already was—what type of man you are.”
I guess hearing it all out loud like that strikes Tanner in a way it hasn’t before. He begins retreating toward the house. He’s looking at me as he twists his face into a cocky sneer and with obviously false bravado says, “I’m a man who’s too good for you.”
He spins at the click of the door.
“Mau—” My name dies on Tucker’s lips as he sees Tanner. His worry-filled golden gaze finds mine briefly before it flashes back to his brother. “What are you doing here?”
Tanner doesn’t say anything. Not one word. Instead, he rears his arm back and slams his fist into Tucker’s face just once. Tucker stumbles back, barely missing the glass door that’s sure to have shattered, and falls to the ground. I lurch forward and call out his name as Tanner leans down into his face and says three words to his brother and four to me.
“Fuck you, Tucker,” he spits. He turns his rage toward me. “And fuck you, too.”
Slinging the door open until it crashes against the potted plant—breaking it, I might add—he disappears into the house.
I rush over toward Tucker, who’s now cradling his face in his hands, breathing deeply through his nose. I place my hands over his to remove them, tilt his chin up, and examine the damage.
“You okay?” I ask softly.
He opens his eyes, and the usual brightness they hold is clouded with guilt and shame and heartbreak and tears. “I’m so sorry, Maura,” he says on a raspy whisper. “Sorry.”
The tears stream down my face almost instantly. He sounds so broken. I did that to him. I broke him. And I broke Tanner.
Tucker reaches forward and wipes away my tears. “I didn’t mean to do this to you. I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt.”
I shake my head to stop his words. “No, no. It’s not your fault. I was in the wrong. I should have kept avoiding you.”
“I shouldn’t have stalked you.”
I laugh softly at his reference to a conversation that now seems like it happened so long ago.
How did this all get so messed up? I feel like it was yesterday that I was kissing Tanner goodbye and watching him walk away with my heart. I remember being excited to see his name pop up on my phone, being giddy to see him. I remember having fun with my group of friends and exchanging glances with Tucker that always seemed to last too long.
And then, as those glances lasted longer and became more frequent, making me realize that I didn’t have those with Tanner. So I stopped feeling excited. I stopped being so happy and started hiding more and more behind my stupid fucking mask. Everything…faded.
Until Tucker.
It’s always come back to him, and I have a feeling it always will.
“Why are you smiling?” he asks in a confused tone. Am I? “I got
punched and you’re smiling? That’s messed up.”
Despite what just happened, we can still joke with one another. We can still laugh. I think that’s a good testament to how well we work together.
I laugh, and on instinct I lean forward and brush my lips against his. Pulling back as I feel him press into me, I smirk at him and say, “Wanna get out of here?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
We help pull each other up. I give my dress a good brush off and attempt to wipe my make-up away because I sure as hell don’t want my mother to witness me with tear stains. Tucker places his hand on the small of my back, guiding me inside and through the huge house. We don’t stop to talk to anyone, and I barely breathe as I pray my mother doesn’t see us.
Luck doesn’t seem to be on our side tonight, because she’s suddenly in front of us.
“Where do you think you’re going?” she glares.
I tip my chin up and meet her stare. “Home.”
“Oh no, you most certainly are not. Go mingle.” I know she expects me to run off at her command and start playing nice with all her party guests, but I don’t. I stand there, waiting her out, as she the anger in her eyes continues to grow. “Maura,” she threatens through clenched teeth.
“Mother.”
“What are you doing.” Not a question.
Tucker adds the slightest amount of pressure to his hold on me, encouraging me to stand my ground.
“I’m leaving.”
“Why?” my mother demands.
“Because I want to.”
Her mouth forms an O, and she’s struck speechless. For the first time in a long time, I feel good. I feel hopeful.
“Lovely party, Mrs. Doughers. Have a great night,” Tucker says as he steers me past her with a small grin tugging at his lips.
We continue our march forward, and I spot my father. The slight pause in my step is enough to alert Tucker that something is off.
“What is it?” he questions with concern.
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