“Calm yourself, dude. I don’t like you that much.”
“Liar,” he says quickly. “You don’t just keep me around for my good looks. You so love me, dude. We all know this already. What we don’t know is why you haven’t told Tucker. Or did you use your weird ‘I see you’ bullshit to communicate it long-distance or telepathically or some creepy shit like that?”
“You’re just jealous we don’t have a special saying.”
“Obviously,” he responds in mock seriousness. “But really, why not tell him? This is big.”
“It’s only big if she says yes.”
“That’s what she said. Nailed it!” Gaige shouts.
“Why? Why do I think going out in public with you is a good idea?”
“You don’t. Now, back to Tucker.”
I give a noncommittal shrug. “I don’t know. He’s on the road and I know he needs this time to separate himself from his life here. Plus, this is something I only recently started thinking about.”
He creases his brows briefly before his face settles again. “Tanner,” is all he says.
Gaige may be overly sarcastic and sometimes come off as an arrogant asshole, but he’s the most observant person I’ve ever met. He just seems to know things and can read situations in seconds. And like usual, he’s right on the money.
“Yes and no. I mean, it’s not only because of that but also because I love her, ya know? She’s just it for me. Why wait?”
“Can I say something?”
“If you’re gonna be a dick, no. If you’re going to say sweet things to me to try and get into my pants, it’s still a no. I’m taken, Gaige.”
“Well then I’m all out of things to say.”
I snort. “Come on, you fuckin’ weirdo. Let’s go do this shit.”
A bust.
That’s what our trip to the mall was. Everything was too shiny, not perfect enough, or just plain ugly. Nothing felt…right.
“We suck at this shit, man,” I complain to Gaige as we’re walking back out the sliding doors.
“No, you suck. I know exactly what you need to get Rae.”
I furrow my brow. “How the hell do you know what to get her when I’m the one dating her?”
“Because I’m the handsome, quiet, observant one that only engages in conversation when I can add in my unique sarcastic charm. I tend to pay attention and notice shit that others don’t. Duh.”
“How did I ever miss that,” I deadpan. “So what is it that I apparently need to get her?”
“Simple. You need modest. No huge rock, no fancy setting. An elegant, simple band is perfect.”
It doesn’t take me long to know he’s right. I kind of hate how he knew that and I didn’t, but I’m also thankful one of us is smart.
“Can I confess something?” I say over the roof of my car.
Gaige points down to the door. “Want to unlock it? I think I felt a raindrop, and I can’t mess up my hair.”
On an eye roll, I unlock the car and we climb inside.
“I’ve been visiting Rae’s dad.”
“And signing your death wish,” Gaige replies quickly.
I don’t get even a little upset at his words, because I know he’s right. Rae’s going to be beyond pissed when she finds out. As wrong as it is, there’s a small part of me that hopes to use our upcoming engagement as a distraction. It’s not why I’m proposing, but I still hope it helps to fend her off a little. She can be a little unforgiving when she’s angry.
Hence her not speaking to her father since she discovered the nightmares that have haunted her all these years weren’t just nightmares; they were memories. Granted, it’s a legit reason to stop talking to someone, especially since that was something very real and very tragic. But she hasn’t even tried to see it from his point of view at all. And I guess she wouldn’t because she’s never been a father. She doesn’t understand what it’s like to want to protect your daughter with absolutely everything you have—no matter what it costs.
“I know she’s gonna be pissed. I just hope she can see why I’ve been visiting him.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because she won’t.”
Gaige doesn’t reply right away. The car is filled with the sounds of the seat belts zipping over us and clicking into place, the engine turning over, and Transit spilling from the speakers. We drive like this for several miles, and the distractions of the road and the music are welcome.
“I think you’re doing the right thing.” He says it so softly I almost don’t hear him.
I turn down the radio and glance over at him. He’s staring out the window. Most would think he’s being dramatic, but I don’t. No, this is Gaige. He’s quiet, reserved, sarcastic, and thoughtful. He doesn’t give his opinion often, but when he does, you better shut the hell up and listen to it because it’s usually fucking gold that comes out of his mouth.
“I think it’s okay that you’re visiting her dad. Someone has to tell him she’s doing well. Someone needs to let him know she isn’t broken. You’re that person now.”
“But you said it yourself, man. She’s gonna be pissed when she finds out.”
“Hell yeah she will be. But so would you. Back when you weren’t speaking to your pops, if she’d have done the same thing, you’d have been upset too. But then you’d have gotten over it just like she will.”
There’s nothing more I want than for him to be right, because the thought of Rae being so pissed she’d break it off devastates me. She can’t not be in my life. That’s not possible.
“I sure as hell hope you’re right, dude.”
“I usually am,” he says confidently.
3
Rae
“Can we go swimming?”
Those four words send chills through my body. My chest constricts. I feel like an astronaut stuck in space without a helmet. It’s hard to pull any air through my lungs, and it’s only coming out of my mouth in harsh waves.
“Why are you purple? Rae? Rae!” Joey shouts, pulling on my arm hard enough to drag my attention her way.
Air moves through my lungs and I gasp, finally able to breathe again.
“You okay?”
I look down at Joey and nod slowly. “I think so. I just had a...a moment.”
“Moments are fickle.”
My head snaps toward her, shocked at the words that just came out of her mouth. For such a tiny little human, she sure is pretty damn smart. “That they are.”
“So can we go swimming?” she asks again.
I’m more prepared this time and shake my head. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Maybe when your dad gets home we can.”
“Ugh! But he won’t be home until later. Why can’t we go now?”
“Um...because I said so?”
Her shoulders slump and she flings herself onto the sofa beside me. “Fine.”
She looks so sad that I almost give in, but I stand my ground. I’m supposed to be a responsible adult now. I can’t continue to give in every time she gives me those extremely convincing puppy dog eyes or pushes out her bottom lip. I’ve been very good at not giving in these last few months, especially considering how much I gave in when Hudson and I first started dating. Anything she wanted was hers. Ice cream? You got it! Pudding? Sure thing! A new book? Of course! Going swimming in the ocean while I have a freaky flashback thing and you nearly drown? Yep, that too.
So, no, she most definitely cannot go swimming on my watch. Even if it is in the neighborhood swimming pool. It’s not happening.
“I have an idea. Why don’t we go take your dad some lunch at work? That way we’ll get out of the house and get to visit him some. How’s that sound?”
“Fine.”
Ah, the joys of mood swings and not getting your way.
“Good. Up. Let’s make him something tasty,” I tell her, pushing myself off the sofa and heading to the kitchen.
“How about we just order him something? That way we know it’s not goin
g to be burned.”
I do my best to smother a laugh. “You’re so your father’s kid.”
I don’t have to be looking at her to know she just rolled her eyes. “Obviously.”
Boom. Boom. BOOM!
I pound on the doors to Jacked Up for the third time. The result is the same—no answer. And I don’t see Hudson’s car. I want to believe he’s just stepped out for lunch, but I have this feeling he was never here at all.
I don’t know whether or not the fact that he’s obviously lied to me hurts more or the fact that he felt the need to do it in the first place.
“I... I don’t think he’s here,” Joey whispers, picking up on my frustration.
The last thing I want is for her to be upset. “Ya know, maybe he just stepped out for some lunch. We are surprising him, so he wasn’t expecting us. I’m sure that’s where he is.”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“Want to go over to Maura’s and have lunch there? I’m sure she’d love to see you.”
She instantly perks up because this kid loves Maura. “Yes! Please!”
I teasingly narrow my eyes at her. “You’re supposed to love me most.”
Joey pats my arm. “It’s okay. You’re my fourth favorite.”
“Fourth! You’re killing me, kid.”
She shrugs and skips—skips—back to the car.
The short ride to Maura’s is silent. I’m a little nervous to see her. She’s been going through a tough time since Tanner’s death and Tucker’s leaving, so I’m not sure which version of her I’ll be getting today. For Joey’s sake, I hope it’s the happy-go-lucky one.
I let Joey push the doorbell once we reach Maura’s apartment. We’re immediately greeted by a tall, tanned, complete and total stud. No matter how many times I’ve been here in the last couple weeks, it still surprises me every single time Maura’s new roommate opens the door.
“Hey, Rae, Joe. How are you beautiful ladies today?” Dallas says, moving aside and waving us in.
“G-good,” Joey stutters. I want to laugh because I know her stuttering is a sign of nervousness. She’s completely smitten with Dallas. She thinks he’s “so cute.”
“We’re good. Maura here?”
“Babygirl! You’ve got company,” he shouts. Then he bends down and whispers, “Today’s a rough day. I’m glad you stopped by.”
I give him a small smile and flick my eyes to Joey, silently asking him to keep her occupied while I go wrangle Maura out of bed.
“Hey, Joe, wanna go see who can eat the most ice cream in five minutes?”
This time I give him an Are you fucking serious? look, because really? Ice cream eating contest? He shrugs and ushers her off to start a brain freeze war.
I quietly make my way down the hall and briefly knock on Maura’s door before letting myself in. Seeing her curled up in bed just blankly staring at the door causes my heart to hitch. I hate seeing my best friend hurting like this. The worst part is that she’s not hurting in the traditional sense. I wish she’d cry or scream or break down. She does none of those things. Instead she retreats into her head and stays silent for days at a time. It’s near impossible to get through to her when she gets like this. But I always try.
“Hey,” I say softly. “How are you?”
She doesn’t say anything. But she does scoot over, inviting me to come sit next to her. So I do.
“Joey’s here.” It’s barely noticeable, but I can see a small smile touch her lips. “She’s having an ice cream eating contest with Dallas. I’m not sure I like him anymore.”
Her eyes finally leave the door and she looks at me.
“I do,” she croaks out. “He’s so damn good to me, Rae. I had a freak-out last night. He talked me down.”
She’s letting off wave after wave of sadness. I want to wrap her up and keep her safe from all this heartache, but I can’t. She needs to feel it or she’ll never be able to work through it. So all I can do it sit here with her. “Good. I’m glad you have him here.”
“I miss him.”
I don’t need to ask who she’s talking about.
“I know. I do too.”
She blows out a breath, and I watch as she musters up the courage she needs to push through the day. It’s slow, but eventually she’s in a place where I know she’ll be okay.
“So, what’s up with you?”
“Hudson’s not where he says he is.”
Her eyebrows shoot up instantly. “Where is he, then?”
I shrug. “No clue. He’s been going into the office a lot on Sundays, so Joey and I tried taking him some lunch today only to find the shop completely empty and no sign of his car.”
“Come on. Say it, Rae.”
She knows me way too well.
“What the fuck does it mean, Maura? I didn’t think much of it before, but the fact that he lied about where he was going today makes me think he’s been lying this entire time. Why? And where in the hell is he going if not to Jacked Up?”
I hate saying all this out loud. I hate having these fears. Hudson doesn’t deserve accusations that come with the questions I’m voicing. But I also don’t deserve to be lied to.
“I’m sure—”
“There’s an explanation. Yeah, I know,” I interrupt her. “But there shouldn’t have to be an explanation. We should be able to be completely honest with one another.”
Maura sits up and mirrors my dejected posture. “True. But sometimes it’s necessary, Rae. What if he’s planning a sweet surprise? What if he just had to go run an errand? What if he went to lunch? I don’t think the conclusions you’re jumping to are fair.”
They’re not. I know I’m being a little crazy about this right now, but something about the situation makes me feel uneasy. I can’t ignore it.
“I feel horrible saying this all out loud, Maura. You know I love that man with everything I have. But something feels off.”
“You do know the only way to get to the bottom of this, right?”
“Hold him down and feed him Veritaserum?”
“First of all, wow, you’re a damn nerd. Second, that doesn’t even exist in our Muggle world. Third, no.”
“I’m a nerd? You’re the one who knew I was referencing Harry Potter.”
Maura scoffs. “Whatever. But my answer is still no. You need to just ask him about it. Give him the chance to explain. That’s the only way it’s going to be fair.”
I sigh. “The Veritaserum sounded more fun.”
She lets out a dry laugh. “It did, didn’t it?”
“I hate when you’re right.”
“But you love me.”
“That I do. Which is why I’m done watching you mope,” I tell her, diverting the conversation back to her. “So, up. Let’s go. We’re leaving the bed today and we’re going to go out there and eat ice cream until we can freeze all these shitty thoughts out of our heads.”
“Oh, I love the way you think.”
“And you love me.”
“That I do.”
“Hey, babe. How was your day?” Hudson wraps his arms around me from behind, nuzzling my neck, nipping lightly at the spot he knows drives me insane. I don’t want my body to react, but I can’t help the way it automatically falls back into his embrace, molding to him perfectly.
I want to be angry with him for lying, I want to push him away. But as much as I want those things, I also want him to hold me closer, to be happy, to spin around and welcome him home with a kiss. Instead, I act naturally. And neutrally.
“Good,” I tell him, rinsing off the plate I’m holding. “We went to visit Maura, had lunch with her and Dallas, who I’m growing quite fond of.”
Hudson nips at my neck once more.
“I’m glad he’s not into girls, because then I may have to act jealous.”
I’d normally come back with a quick-witted comment, but I’m just not feeling the spar today. I can tell by the way his arms constrict around me that he notices.
“You gonna spill
?”
Hudson drops his arms and takes a step back at the sound of disbelief that involuntarily leaves my mouth. I wince because I know he doesn’t deserve the cold shoulder I’m giving him. But I also don’t deserve to be lied to.
Are you serious right now, Rae? You don’t know he lied! He could have just gone to lunch. Grow the fuck up already.
I should listen to myself. I know I should. But I can’t. Because my stupid fucking stomach is tied up in knots like a fucking sailor did that shit. Something’s off. I can feel it.
“Right. Well, I’ll leave you to your sulking, then. Let me know when you want to talk. I’m here for anything.”
He sounds so sincere I almost cave. In fact, I spin around to do so. But as soon as I see his retreating back, I have the strongest urge to throw something at him. Which is entirely stupid because I don’t know if he even did anything wrong.
I’m suddenly tired from the constant back and forth my brain is having with my stomach. Neither one of them will stop bickering. I feel sick.
I quickly finish the dishes, set out the menus for our weekly Sunday takeout, and head toward the stairs without saying a word to Hudson.
Relentless. That’s one word someone could use to describe Hudson. I’m not even in our bedroom five minutes before he seeks me out.
“Babe, come on. Tell me what’s wrong,” he tries, closing our bedroom door and relaxing on the bed next to me but not touching me.
I hate that he’s not touching me.
“You.”
“Me, what?”
“You. You’re what’s wrong.”
I swear I can hear the wheels turning in his head. “Why am I what’s wrong?”
I don’t answer for a long time. So long that I feel his breathing start to even out. So long that I’m certain the dark, quiet room has nearly lulled him to sleep.
“We tried to bring you lunch today,” I whisper.
Silence. I’m met with silence. But I know he heard me, and I know he’s awake now because he shifts a little. I feel an arm snake around my waist and I’m being pulled into his warmth. I relax instantly. Being in his arms will always relax me. No matter how mad I am, no matter how annoying he is, no matter the bitchiness that’s swallowing me whole, being touched by him is guaranteed to soothe me.
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