“This…this is big, Hudson. I-I don’t know how to trust you now.”
My entire body deflates at her words. That stings so much more than I thought it would. “I know.” I clear my throat. “I knew that was coming. I thought I was prepared for that, but I realize now I was wrong.”
“I…need out.”
“Out?”
“Yes, out. I need to leave. Now.”
“Leave?”
I sound like a fucking caveman, only able to mutter one-syllable words. Rae must agree because she shoots me a look.
“Yes, Hudson. Fucking leave. I need to get out of this house. I’m…I’m pissed. No, I’m hurt. I can’t handle this right now. I…I need to go pack a bag.”
She heads for the stairs and I immediately grab for her wrist.
“Wait.” She pulls from my grasp, picking up her pace.
No. She can’t leave like this.
“Goddammit, Rae. Just wait a fucking minute.” My voice vibrates around the room loud enough to make her stop, but not turn around. “You can’t just leave like this.”
She heaves a sigh. “I can. And I’m going to. I need time, Hudson. I can’t think in this house right now. I feel like I’m drowning.” She looks over her shoulder, her eyes sad and pained. “And you’re the one holding me under.”
7
Rae
I wake up next to a sweaty, unfamiliar body. Where am I?
“You’re at my apartment.”
“Your apartment? This is my apartment, jackass.”
I hear someone scoff. “No, princess, this is our apartment. Remember? I shared my B&J’s with you. That means we share everything now.”
“What? Are you—”
“B and fucking J’s, Maura. All your secrets are mine now.”
“Ohmygod. Why did I ever think it was okay to let you move in? You’re insane!”
Laughing, I push the pillow off my head. “You’re both insane.” Looking at Maura, I say, “Sharing Ben and Jerry’s is a privilege. You two are basically best friends now.” Then I glance over at Dallas. “Fuck you for stealing my best friend.”
“Sorry,” Dallas says, looking anything but.
I grab my pillow and slap him with it. “Jackass.”
“I can’t believe we all fit in this bed last night,” Dallas comments.
“With your fat ass, I’m surprised we did too.”
Dallas doesn’t even look hurt by Maura’s comment. Instead, he smirks. “I do have a fantastic ass.”
My best friend groans in mock frustration. “That’s not even remotely what I said.”
“Same difference.”
His response is met with a pillow to the face. He immediately retaliates with not his, but my pillow. Naturally, this leads to a pillow fight between the two of them. I roll over, lying quietly in the middle, occasionally getting slapped across the ass with a pillow—and I’m certain at least three of the hits are intentional.
After about five minutes, they finally settle down. I lift my head again to check on them because they’re way too quiet. They’re just sitting there, glaring at one another.
“Um, guys?”
“I won.”
“No, I won,” Dallas argues.
I roll my eyes and sit up, bringing my knees up and curling my arms around them. “You both lost. So hush.”
Maura mirrors my pose, sitting close enough to me that our elbows touch. She bumps me once and I can’t help but smile. “Love you.”
“You okay?” a gruff voice says. I can hear him holding back his emotions and I can’t help but respect the guy for that. We just met a couple weeks ago, but I love that he’s already attached enough to feel my hurt with me. To me, that means he’s a keeper.
“Define ‘okay.’”
Dallas throws an arm around me. “The exact opposite of not okay.”
“Well, in that case, I’m pretty sure I’m not okay. I feel…”
“Empty,” Maura says in a low, cracked voice. I look over at her and frown.
Dallas throws an arm around me, pulling me over to him and placing a gentle kiss on the side of my head. “You’re not empty. That’s the problem.”
“Thank you for letting me stay here last night.”
“You’re welcome here anytime, Rae. You know that. But how about we don’t all sleep in the same bed again? That was a little cramped. Because of Dallas’s fantastic ass.”
I laugh lightly and feel a tear slide down my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying, and this surprises me a little. These are the first tears I’ve shed since Hudson told me about my dad. I didn’t cry last night. I didn’t cry when he told me. But right now, sitting here with my friends, I start crying. And it’s an ugly one. I let it all out as Dallas scoops me into his arms and Maura rubs circles on my back.
“Maura, can you—”
“Already called him. He’s on his way.”
I nod, snuggling closer into Dallas’s warmth.
“Dallas, have you lied to me since I’ve known you?”
“Of course not,” he says. “If you’ve asked me something, I’ve always been truthful with my answers.” I don’t miss the way he phrases that, but I appreciate his clarification on it.
“Can we date instead?”
“Do you have a dick I don’t know about?”
Laughing, I swat his chest. “No, you asshole.”
“Then sorry, babe, but it’s a no.”
We’re quiet a moment, sitting together, taking everything in. I haven’t known Dallas all that long, and neither has Maura, but I feel like he’s always belonged with us. He fits in perfectly and I’m really hoping he sticks around for a long damn time.
“Who did you call, Maura?”
“Perry. Remember the guy you met a couple weeks ago at the bar? The really drunk one you helped get outside? That’s Rae’s cousin.”
Dallas stiffens for just a moment. That’s odd. Maybe they didn’t have such a good encounter. I pull out of his embrace and look him in the eyes. He’s already learned of my obsession with eye contact. “Was he mean to you, Dall? He can be a dick when he’s drunk.”
The look in his eyes is haunted, remorseful, even. “N-no. He just reminded me of a ghost from my past.”
“Is that ghost the reason you’re single?” Maura asks bravely. I love that she’s been coming out of her shell like that since everything happened with Tucker. Even though they aren’t together right now and she’s still broken up about it, I can still see all the silent confidence he’s given her in the last few months.
“Yes,” Dallas admits. Then he pastes a fake smile on his lips. “But no man can keep me down for long. I’ll get back in the groove one of these days.”
I don’t call him out on the fakeness, because right now, we’re all faking it. And we all know it.
“Come in!” Maura shouts.
“Oh wow. That’s real safe, Maura. What if it’s a serial killer? Or what if we were all naked?”
Maura shoots him a look. “Why? Why did I invite you to live with me?”
“I’m telling you: it’s the ass.”
“Is there room enough for me in there with this dude’s ego?”
I smile at the sound of Perry’s voice. “I think we can squeeze you in.”
He saunters into the room, looking sleepy but still adorable in his own special way. I can tell he had one of his “late nights” again. Before I can start in on him, he sends a small smile my way. “You good?”
I shake my head. “No, not really. But I will be.”
Dallas stands up as Perry walks closer to the bed. He doesn’t introduce himself, just throws a glance at Dallas. Narrowing my eyes at my cousin, I do the introductions for them. “Sorry, Dallas. Ignore my cousin’s lack of manners. Perry, this is Dallas. Say hi.”
Perry grunts in reply, ignoring Maura’s new roommate entirely.
Dallas arches a brow and his response is cold. “Yeah, we’ve met. I’m gonna grab a shower, ladies. Holler if you need a
nything.”
I glance over at Maura as he exits the room in a hurry. She just shrugs, letting me know she noticed the odd exchange as well.
Perry slides into where Dallas was just sitting and puts his arms around me for a hug. “I’m here, you know. Always.”
I return his hug. “I know, Per, I know.”
“But I’m pissed at Hudson. I thought he was one of the good guys.”
“He is. That’s the problem.”
He sighs and squeezes me tighter for just a moment before letting me go. “So, what’s the game plan? Ignore him? Talk to him?”
“Well, I have to talk to him. He’s my boyfriend.”
“That’s not who I was talking about, Rae.”
I dart my eyes away from his. “Right.” I frown. “No. We’re not going there. Not now.”
Perry’s sigh is a bit more agitated this time. “It’s been close to a year, Rae. You need to talk to him sometime.”
“I will, Perry. It’s just…”
“No more excuses. It’s time.”
“Let it go for now, Per,” Maura chimes in. “She needs a few days to clear her head. Okay? Just let it go for now.”
He gives me an aggravated half-smile and zips his fingers across his lips.
“Thank you,” I mutter.
“Told you, anything for you.”
“Anything? Like…a pizza?” Maura asks. “I’m starving.”
Pizza makes me think of Gaige. Gaige makes me think of Hudson. And Hudson makes me think of this hole that’s gaping and aching in my chest right now. This hole that’s eating me alive from the inside out, gnawing at me, begging me to pay attention to it. But I don’t want to. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
Lie.
“It’s like eight in the morning. You don’t need a pizza.”
“Maybe not, but I want a pizza,” she pouts. “I thought you’d do anything for her, Perry. Anything. Lies!”
Perry gives her an incredulous look. “You’re off your fucking rocker, you know that? Just plain insane.”
“Insanely hungry.”
At that, I laugh. And it almost feels good. Almost. But I keep laughing because right now I need to pretend to be okay or I’m going to end up in tears.
Maybe that’s what I need though. Maybe I need to release all this pent up frustration and anger once and for all. Because I am that—angry. At my dad, Hudson, myself. I’m angry because my dad screwed me up, Hudson screwed me over, and I let them. But my anger does me no good. The only thing it morphs into is sadness. I don’t need sadness right now. Right now I need relief. And I’m not going to find that by covering my tears in fake, forced laughs.
Before I know it, I’m crying again. And I hate it. But I also know that I need to cry. I have to get this out or it’s going to eat away at me. I’m tired of letting shit pick and tear at me, pulling me apart, leaving scraps of myself behind. I. Am. Done.
“I’m not even going to ask something as stupid as, ‘Are you okay,’ because I know you’re far from it right now,” Perry says sternly. I think back to when Dallas asked those three words just thirty minutes ago and momentarily wonder what my cousin would say about that.
“I just want…him. But I’m so damn angry right now that I can’t see straight. That’s not going to make anything better. So, as much as not being around him is going to kill me, I’m going to take a few days and just…be.”
Perry nods. “I think that’s a good idea. And while you’re at it, maybe think about talking to your dad?”
I sigh heavily. “I…okay. I’ll think about it.”
“If you’re staying again, I call big spoon!” Dallas calls from the bathroom.
Perry scowls and I throw him an unsure glance. “What’s your deal with him?”
“I just don’t like him, okay? Drop it.”
Dallas strolls into the bedroom with just a towel around his waist, his hard abs on display. I may be devoted to Hudson, and Dallas may bat for the same team as I do, but I can’t help but admire him. He has to work hard for all that beauty that’s on display.
From beside me I hear Perry’s breathing pick up. Watching him, I notice his eyes grow darker and his eyebrows squeeze together tighter.
Dallas flexes his pecs and throws a cocky grin toward my cousin. “You like?”
Perry huffs and jerks his gaze away from the body on full display. He turns to me with an irritated spark in his eye and I just know he’s going straight to the nearest open bar after this. “I…I’ve got shit to do,” he tells me. “If you need me, call me.”
I nod and hug him one last time, knowing full well that the next time I talk to him, he’s going to be face down in a bottle of Jack. Like always.
As soon as we hear the front door close, Dallas lets out a humorless laugh. “Your cousin is a real peach, Rae.”
Shrugging, I say, “I have no idea what his problem is, but I swear he’s not usually like this.”
Dallas, who doesn’t look too convinced, just nods and struts back out of the bedroom calling “Big spoon!” over his shoulder on the way out.
Maura laughs from beside me. “Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
I lie back on the bed, resting my hands on my flat stomach, crossing my ankles, and staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t we both know it.”
She mirrors my pose but reaches over to grab my hand. And that’s the way we stay—relaxed on the bed holding hands. Holding on to each other, and most importantly, our hearts.
8
Hudson
I hate this. All of this. It’s been four days since I’ve seen or heard from Rae, and I’ve been pissed off every single one of them. Maura, who calls me every day, is the only reason I know she’s doing okay. I wish like hell I could just talk with her, make her see my side of things. But she refuses to answer her phone or texts. Every day she ignores me is another day a small hole forms in my heart.
Which is exactly why I’m taking Joey to my mom’s for a couple days. I’m miserable, and my heartbroken mood is rubbing off on my kid. She’s asked me about ten times now where Rae is. It hurts so hard when I have to tell her she’s gone to stay with friends for a few days. Every day when I answer her, Joey’s little shoulders sink lower and lower. I know she’s bound to break down at some point. Since I know I’m liable to do so too, I have no idea how to stop it.
“You ready to go, kiddo?” I call up the stairs to my daughter.
I hear her shuffle across the hall, her head popping around the corner at the top of the stairs. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy—a sure sign she’s been crying. Fuck. Guess I’m too late in the whole breaking down thing.
“I’m…I’m not going until Rae comes home,” she sniffles.
Sighing, I walk halfway up the stairs, hoping to coax her down. “Joey, baby, we’ve talked about it. Rae is just staying with Maura for a couple days. Girl time. You get that, right?”
Her face crumbles and she begins to sob. My feet fly up the stairs on autopilot and I wrap my arms around her.
“Shh…shh. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? She’s coming back.”
I want to take the words back as soon as they leave my mouth. Because what if she doesn’t come back? Then what? Then not only have I lost the woman I’m madly in love with, but Joey’s also lost the only person she’s ever seen as a mother. I have to fight back my own tears at the thought.
“She…she won’t,” her voice trembles. “She’s not coming back.”
I pull back and cradle her face in my hands, wiping away her tears. “Why would you say that?” My voice is a little stern, but I have to know if there’s something she knows that I don’t.
“Because I made her leave.”
I tip my head and wrinkle my brows in confusion. “What makes you think so?”
“I…I…” She struggles to get the words out, hesitant like she’s scared she’s going to get in trouble for saying anything.
“Joey, I need you to tell me why you think you made Rae le
ave. Please.”
“I…asked to go swimming again.” She starts shaking, her little body wracked with sobs. “I’m sorry! I…I didn’t mean to. She got real scared when I asked and I knew I was in trouble. I know you don’t want me swimming with Rae, daddy. I’m sorry.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head into my shoulder, breathing deeply so I don’t completely lose it at just the thought of what happened almost one year ago. When I feel like I have myself composed, I turn back to Joey.
“First, you can swim with Rae. That’s perfectly okay. What happened last year wasn’t your fault or hers. Okay?” She nods. “Second, you did not, and will not, ever make Rae leave. Do you understand that, Joey?”
“But…I… She…”
“No, okay? No. Rae loves you so much. She will never, ever walk away from you.” I look into her eyes, imploring her to listen to me, to hear me, to understand me. “I promise, bug. I promise.”
When she shakily bobs her head up and down, sniffling away the rest of her tears, I know I’ve finally gotten through to her.
I gather her in my arms, holding her tight, hoping to squeeze away all of her worries. She hugs me back just as fiercely and, just for a moment, I let my own tears flow freely.
I did this. I made Joey feel like she’s the one to blame for Rae not being here. Not only did I screw up my relationship with Rae, hurting her beyond belief, but I’ve also managed to make my kid cry in the process. You’ve really fucked this one up, Hudson. Fix this. Now.
Pulling away from Joey and smoothing her hair down, I give her a small smile. She returns it. I tap the end of her nose and she swats at my hand.
“There’s my smiling girl.”
Expectedly, she scowls. I laugh at how much she acted like Rae just then. My joy is only momentary as I realize I just laughed for the first time since Rae left. I don’t like that. I don’t like laughing. It makes me feel like I’ve forgotten about what I’ve done. And I don’t want to forget.
I stand, looking down at Joey, whose shoulders are no longer sagging. “Now, are you ready to go? Did you pack a bag? Nanna has clothes and stuff for you still, but I know she doesn’t have your favorite pillow or pjs.”
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