Fuck. I’m a terrible boyfr—friend. Absolutely horrible.
I look over at her and find her staring at me. She glances away once our eyes meet. Again.
Agitation runs through me. I want to be reach over and brush the hair from her face, maybe even hold her hand. I want to sit next to her, want to sling my arm around her shoulders and pull her into me, lay a gentle kiss on her forehead. I don’t want to pretend to not know her, to sit across the booth from her not touching or looking at her.
I’m about to open my mouth to say something, anything, to her when I feel something nudge my shin. My eyes find hers instantly. I’m rewarded with a small, playful smile.
Everything in me calms with that one simple gesture.
“Maura should be here in a few minutes.”
“Maura’s coming? She didn’t mention it this morning,” Tucker asks. I shift my gaze to him, still so surprised to see both of my best friends madly in love.
For the longest time it’s always been me, Hudson (and Joey, obviously), and Tucker. That was it. Then last year Hudson found Rae. Their love was the easiest thing I’ve ever seen, natural almost. With Rae came Maura, her best friend. Tucker fell for her—or she fell for him. Either way, it was far from easy. It was complicated in a falling-in-love-with-your-boyfriend’s-brother sort of way.
From that simple relationship between Rae and Hudson, we grew our group, stretching our ranks to include Haley and Perry, Rae’s cousin.
I guess I can add all that to the ways Haley has changed my life. She’s given me more true friendships than I ever thought I’d have.
“Yep. Last-minute decision. This whole lunch is basically a last minute thing,” Rae replies, interrupting my thoughts. “Perry’s coming too.”
“Cool,” Tuck says, sinking back into his seat with a grin. “Glad Vern’s has big booths.”
“It’s why I picked it,” Hudson speaks up.
Tucker mocks him and then yelps. I laugh, knowing Hudson just kicked him under the table.
“You’re worse than a kid!” Tucker complains.
Hudson simply shrugs and turns back to his girl, planting a kiss on her cheek.
“Gross,” Tuck mutters. “Maddox, tell ’em it’s gross.”
The new kid’s eyes go wide. “I’d rather not insult the man who signs my paychecks.”
Before Tucker can say anything back, Maura and Perry arrive.
“Sorry we’re late,” Maura says. She hitches a thumb over her shoulder. “Perry takes forever to get ready.”
“I didn’t get this pretty overnight, babe,” he says as he slides into the booth next to Haley, and I want to scream at the loss of simple contact between me and my girl. “Hey, cuz.” He leans over and smacks a kiss to her temple. “Missed you. I haven’t been able to reach you lately. Everything cool?”
It’s minimal, but she glances over to me. “Yep. Everything’s great.”
“Cool. But call more often, okay?”
“Deal,” she agrees.
Maura begins to scoot into the booth next to me and I almost jump out so she can sit next to Tucker; it’s clear he’s bouncing with excitement about her being here. But, if I move and let Maura in next to Tuck, I wouldn’t be across from Haley and touching her. Deciding between being nice to Tucker and touching Haley is easy; Haley will win every time. So, I scoot down and ignore the scowl Tucker gives me.
Conversations buzz around me. Tucker and Maddox argue over something trivial, Rae and Hudson are off in their own little world, and Perry and Maura chat about I have no idea what. The only two not talking are me and Haley. It’s the usual for me, but apparently not for Haley since Rae just asked her why she’s so quiet.
“I was, uh, just admiring Tucker’s ink.” Her voice is soft and the words are spoken with obvious embarrassment as all eyes turn toward her.
Tucker tilts a smug grin her way. “Well, thanks, gorgeous, but I can’t take the credit. I have a wicked talented tattoo artist.” He nudges my knee under the table, conscious of not spilling my well-kept secret. I’m so grateful, I let him get away with calling my girl gorgeous.
Haley flicks her eyes my direction, and I give her a small smile and dip my head at her, acknowledging the obvious compliment she meant for me.
“They look real,” she continues. “Whomever your artist is, he understands how to capture the mundane and make it extraordinary.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Tuck says proudly.
The need to get away overwhelms me. I always get uncomfortable when people begin complimenting my work. I have no idea why considering I know I have skills, but it still makes me feel awkward. Having Haley speak so freely of it in front of everyone? It makes my skin fucking crawl with the craving to kiss her.
Turning to Maura, I ask to be excused. She scoots out, only to slide back into the booth to snuggle next to Tucker, and I beeline it to the bathroom. I take my time, washing my hands an extreme number of times as I try to control my emotions.
I don’t know how she does it, but Haley lights this fire inside me. She makes me equally nervous and calm. It’s weird, really, the way her words dig into my head, into my heart, and fester. These past couple months since we’ve been sharing the benefits of our friendship have turned my head inside out. She’s burrowed her way into my core, even though we’re only supposed to be friends. It’s turned into more. She’s turned into more. I should have guessed it’d happen, though. What with the way we became friends so quickly, it should be no surprise we’d not only connect physically but emotionally as well. I only wish I knew how to separate the two, because right now, I want to react to her words like a boyfriend would, someone who’s emotionally entangled with her, not like someone who’s just sleeping with her. Hell, not even on a friendship level. The words feel too intimate for that.
Once I’m calmed down enough to sit across from her, I exit the restroom, only to come face to face with Haley herself. She’s lounging against the wall opposite the door looking gorgeous with a flirtatious grin.
“Hey,” she whispers.
“Hey,” I say, matching her hushed volume.
“I’m sorry for crashing your lunch.”
“What?” I move closer to her, putting a hand on her waist and leaning in to kiss her cheek. “No, you didn’t crash it. It was a welcome surprise.”
“I’d have given you a heads up but Rae just asked me about it an hour ago.”
“You don’t need to give me a warning, Hales. I missed you anyway.”
Her eyes flutter shut at my words, and I take the opportunity to give her another kiss, this time on her lips. She presses back quickly then pulls away, flitting her eyes down the hall.
“We should probably head back out there. I have to leave in about fifteen minutes anyway.”
“Leave? Why?”
She laughs, pushing me away playfully as I try to nuzzle her neck. “I have a meeting with a new family in half an hour. Some of us have to actually work, you know. We can’t all suck up to our bosses and convince them to let us have a Friday afternoon off.”
“I’ll have you know I haven’t sucked up to Hudson a day in my life. No way I’d give that asshole the satisfaction.”
Laughing, she wiggles out of the space between me and the wall, heading back to our group lunch date. “The love you share with your friends is sweet.”
“Sweet? Baby, you haven’t seen anything yet,” I tease, stalking toward her and grabbing her just before she enters the light filtering into the edge of the dark hallway, thankful our booth is at the back of the restaurant where I’m sure no one can see us.
I gently push her against the wall and crush my mouth to hers, kissing her longer than I know is appropriate in such a public place. Just as she starts to grind against me, I pull back, knowing we can’t let this go any further or we’ll end up in a way too compromising situation.
I tear my mouth from hers, panting hard. “Tonight?”
“Yes please. Ten?”
“Works for m
e.” Another press of my lips against hers. Why am I kissing her so much? “The usual?”
“No,” she says, kissing me again. “I have something for you.” She reaches between us, her hand going for her pocket and wiggling around a second. With a nervous smile, she holds her hand out to me. Sitting in her palm is a key.
“To your apartment?” I know we’ve always been taught there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but that has to be one of the most obvious things I’ve ever asked.
“I figured you’d get off my case about leaving the door unlocked all the time with this.”
I stare down at the key. This seems like something two people who are dating would do. This is…big. Huge. She’s giving me a key to her place. She’s letting me into her life whenever I want. This is…wow. It backs up what I was freaking out about, the connecting. If she’s trusting me with this, what else is she trusting me with?
Concern slams into me. What if what we’re doing backfires? What if it becomes too much for both of us? Or just one of us? What if we get too attached? What if we get hurt? Am I ready to risk all that? Ready to put myself out there?
For Haley? Yes.
But, that doesn’t answer the question of what the hell it is we’re doing. If I don’t man up and ask her, I’ll never know, but now isn’t the time. I’ll ask her later. Tonight, maybe. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Tonight.
“Th-thanks,” I mumble, grabbing the key from her and stashing it in my pocket. “You should probably go first.”
She glances down the hall. “Actually, you should go. You’ve been back here for ages. I’m certain they all think you’re pooping at this point.”
I throw my head back in laughter, not expecting that to come out of her mouth. “There’s my girl.”
“Huh?” she says.
“Nothing,” I mutter back. I lean in and press yet another kiss to her lips. “I’ll see ya out there.”
Having to text Haley and let her know I won’t be able to make it over tonight sucked balls. Graham was sent home early from school this afternoon after puking twice during gym, and he’s officially been slapped with the label of flu. Since Mercy doesn’t want to be near him while he’s contagious, I’ve been elected as caretaker.
So, here I am, mopping up puke and ushering fluids into this poor sick boy. Unlike most kids his age who get sick, he doesn’t want to be cuddled. All he wants is to be left alone to sleep. I swear, he is the strangest nine-year-old I’ve ever known.
I check on him for the fourth time in the hour I’ve been here and find him sound asleep in his bed. Good, because after that last round of barfing, even I’m exhausted—and I’m not the one heaving up my school lunch.
“Your phone is vibrating downstairs,” Gunner announces loudly as he passes by me on his way to the upstairs bathroom.
“Shhh. He’s finally asleep,” I tell him gently. “And I’d be careful in there—the kid isn’t good at aiming.”
Gunner shrugs and continues into the bathroom. Yeah, I suppose something like that wouldn’t really bother a fourteen-year-old boy.
I jog down the stairs and swipe my phone off the table just as whoever was calling goes to voicemail. A text comes through just as I’m pulling up my missed calls list.
Hales: Ignore my voicemail, please. It’s embarrassing.
Yeah, not going to happen. I switch the screen back over to my inbox and listen to whatever has Haley so embarrassed.
“Hey, so, it’s me. Haley. Hales. Nikki. Whatever. I know you can’t come over tonight, so what if I came to you? Oh my God. Does that make me sound desperate? Horny? This is not a booty call. I just wanted some company. I’m lonely. Rae’s busy tonight, off gallivanting with your handsome friend. He’s dreamy, huh? Those eyes…wow! How’d you get such cute friends? Never mind. You’re stupidly attractive so of course you’d have equally good-looking friends. Okay, so I’m rambling. I’m going to—”
The voicemail cuts off there. I assume instead of hitting erase and starting over, she sent it on accident, because there’s no way someone would send that on purpose—except maybe Rae. She’d leave that bad boy in a heartbeat.
Me: Dreamy, huh? Am I dreamy too?
Hales: I told you not to listen!
Me: You can’t tell someone not to do something like that and expect them to listen. Hell, you practically begged me to listen to the message.
Hales: No means no, Polly!
I smile at her nickname for me. She repeats what is said just as much as I do so I’m not sure why she thinks she can get away with calling me that, but it’s cute, so I let her.
Instead of texting back, I decide to call, needing to hear her voice right now.
“You’re a horrible man, Gaige Addams. Mean. Cruel. Callous.”
“Those are some strong words you’re using, Miss Kamden. Are you sure you mean them?”
She huffs dramatically. “No.”
“That’s what I thought.” I can hear her shuffling around on the other end of the line. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to get comfortable so I can watch something on Netflix, only nothing sounds good. At all. I’m bored,” she complains.
“Then go do something.”
“There’s nothing to do. I have no friends.”
“What about Cailee? I’m sure you girls could find some mischief to get into.” She mutters indistinctly. “What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“Hales…” I press, taking a seat on the couch, trying to rest before I’m back on puke duty.
“Fine.” She sighs. “We’re sort of…not talking.”
I sit forward, startled by her words. “What? Since when?”
“Okay, don’t think I’m being dumb, because I’m not. This is serious and this happens all the time.”
“Okay…”
“Since Cailee had baby Chloe she’s…changed.”
I chuckle. “That’s usually what happens.”
“I know that, jerk. What I mean is, she treats me differently, like I’m less…like I’m still a child—never mind that I own a business, let alone a business that employs her. I’m still less because I don’t have my own child. I just take care of other people’s kids.”
Do people really do that? I’ve never noticed. Then again, I’m a man. Unfair as it is, I have privileges women don’t. I guess this is one of them.
“She’s your friend, Hales. Maybe that’s not what it’s about.”
“That’s what it seems like,” she says quietly, a touch of sadness in her voice. “I’m worried that’s what it’s always going to feel like.”
“Always? Why?”
She’s quiet, so quiet I have to check and make sure our call didn’t disconnect. Nope, she’s still there. I pull the phone back up to my ear and sit in the silence with her. Whatever it is, she needs a minute to work through it, and that’s okay. I’ll give it to her. Hell, if she needed to sit here for hours in silence, I’d sit with her; she means that much to me.
“I-I…had cancer.”
My world stops spinning. Cancer? Haley? No. There’s no fucking way. How is that even possible? She’s so…young. Young people don’t get cancer. They don’t have to go through all that. They… Fucking hell. Who am I kidding? I’ve seen one too many Facebook videos of children getting their wish granted, only to get an update weeks later of their passing. Cancer eats away at our world slowly and painfully. Anyone can have cancer, but I never thought Haley would.
How in the fuck did I not know about this? She’s been in my life for over a year. How is it even possible information like this has never come up?
“I’m okay now, mostly.”
Relief floods me, but only until the last word registers… “Mostly?”
“The chances of me ever having children are slim.”
“How… I…” I can’t form a complete sentence to save my life.
She blows out a heavy breath. I can tell this is hard for her to talk about, but I’m curious. I’d have never gue
ssed she’d had something so serious happen to her.
“It was cervical cancer. It’s statistically rarer for woman my age to get it, but it does happen. I was diagnosed three years ago. Everything happened really fast, like within six months. I had a radical trachelectomy.”
“I have no idea what that means.” My first full sentence in minutes—high five!
She laughs, only it’s humorless. “It means I had some parts of me removed and I’m a hell of a lot less likely to be able to carry to full term safely.”
I remember how she cried the first night I met her over “life”. My throat clogs up and tears threaten. She was so broken that night, but she tried to put on a brave face and be excited for her best friend’s pregnancy. I bet that had to kill her on the inside, pretending to be so happy on the outside. Admiration fills me. She’s brave, a lot braver than most people are. “I… Crap. I honestly have no idea what to say right now.”
“Most people don’t.”
“Is that why you started the daycare?” I ask, thinking of how difficult it has to be to face that daily…or maybe she did it because of the risks she faces with pregnancy.
“Actually, in a strange twist of fate, that was already in the works.”
“It’s amazing how life works sometimes.” Wait. “No, sorry. I don’t mean amazing. I’m not saying your cancer is amazing. I’m saying—”
“I get it,” she interrupts, saving me from further embarrassing myself. “I consider myself lucky because I have the daycare. I love children, always have. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who walks away from the opportunity to have a family, someone who just leaves their kid. I can’t even imagine doing that. I’ve wanted a horde of my own since I was young and babysat for practically the entire neighborhood. It guts me to think about.”
My stomach drops. Bile rises in my throat. My body begins to ache.
I did that. I gave that up. What we could have, it’s over—or never going to happen. Whatever. There’s no way she’ll forgive that.
You’re going to end up hating me, is what I want to tell her…what I should tell her. I need to back away from this right now before we get in any deeper.
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