I brought my thumb and forefinger to my chin and did my best to make it look like I was paying attention. “What did you want my input on, again?”
“The metaphor,” Mr. Vale said. “The meaning behind it. What do you think it meant?”
I shrugged. “I dunno, maybe the dude just thought an ice lake was a cool idea so he wrote it down.”
“Sure, that’s a possibility,” Mr. Vale said. “But what was the meaning?”
He was looking at me eagerly, as if he knew there was some kind of brilliance locked away in my mind, and all he had to do to get it out of me was torment me in front of the class like this.
I leaned back and said, “There doesn’t have to be a meaning to every little thing. Sometimes shit just happens and you have to deal with it.”
Again, I thought of that barn. What we saw there…
“Not in my classroom,” Mr. Vale said. “By next week, I want a twenty-page paper on the meaning behind Inferno. Everyone in the class—”
A loud collective groan.
“—has to pick three things from Inferno. Allegories, symbols, places, characters—whatever. Write down what you think it means, and then hand it in at eight a.m. sharp here on my desk.” He clapped the spot next to the blue Betta.
The class groaned again.
A satisfied, told-you-so sort of expression crossed Mr. Vale’s face as he took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt. “Hey, my job is to prepare you for college. And whether or not you think this is all nonsense, the fact is, you’re going to have to do it over and over.” He smirked. “Kinda like hell. Oh, the irony…”
“Told you,” Weird Victor said in his low voice from the back of the class.
“Thanks a lot, Feywood,” that other weird kid—Simon—said nearby.
“It’s not Feywood’s fault,” Mr. Vale said with a very anime-looking smirk on his face. “I’ve been planning this torture for you guys for weeks now. Don’t give Feywood all the credit.”
He smiled down at me, then drummed his knuckles on my desk twice like Frank Underwood.
I sighed through my nose. Mr. Vale was sure an asshole sometimes, but I couldn’t deny that it was impossible to hate the guy.
5
Phil
I pulled my car—a fucking invincible Toyota Camry—up to the lush soccer field and killed the engine.
The flat plane of green stretched out before me with two massive nets on either side. Shady Grove’s soccer team was in the middle of running a scrimmage or something. I couldn’t make out details from up here, but I knew one of those blobs in the robin’s egg blue uniforms had to be Kyle.
Kyle, who I messed around with Saturday.
Kyle, who I still couldn’t decide if he was my best friend or my enemy.
I narrowed my eyes as I watched the players scramble around that checkered ball.
Kyle had taken something from me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. All I knew was that my focus, which was usually completely under my control, now wandered all day and fixated on him.
Did he like it when we rolled around in his sheets together?
Ugh, that was a stupid question to even think. Of course he liked it; otherwise, why would he do it? Any guy would like it…
And then, when he pulled away from me. It took me a few moments to ponder that look on his face afterward, but now I understood what it meant:
His walls had gone up.
That was the exact moment when he shut me out.
He recognized you for the little snake you are, my inner manipulator taunted. The fire in the control room around him had been extinguished, and now he lounged in his Captain Kirk chair, doling out orders. Predicting. Calculating.
Planning.
Speaking of which…
I got out of the invincible Camry and shut the door with a satisfying thwack.
“Phil!”
I looked up.
Julie waved at me from the small set of silver stands, beaming like a beacon.
That crooked half-smile crawled across mine and I waved back.
As I crossed the edge of the field to get to her, I expected my inner manipulator to give me instructions. He always knew what to do next; it was like he could intuitively sense the next steps I needed to take which would bring me closer to whatever goal I had in mind.
But he was silent.
Instead, I heard a different voice; one I’d never heard before.
You’re just using her. This isn’t right.
Wait, where did that come from? I wasn’t used to feeling things like…
“Do you regret it?”
I stiffened as I took my place on the cold bleachers next to her. “Regret what?”
Fuck. Did she know?
Her lips closed around the straw of a yellow Hi-C juice box and she gave me a knowing stare. “Regret hooking up with my brother.”
I started, then whipped my head around every which way.
“Don’t worry. There’s no one around. I made sure of that,” she said, taking another sip.
Her strawberry-blond hair spilled over her shoulder as she leaned forward, obscuring her face behind the curtain.
Don’t look behind the curtain.
What? Where did that thought come from?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.
Could Julie pick up on the way my voice trembled at the end? Could she sense the lie?
“Oh cut the crap,” she said. “I’ve been wondering when you guys were finally gonna do it—”
“We didn’t do anything,” I said.
This was not going according to plan; things were completely out of my control—
Julie sighed. “Oh, Phil. You think you’re so clever and strategic. You think you’re so good at covering up your tracks. And that front you put up may fool everyone around you and all of your asshole friends—including my brother—but you can’t fool me. I’ve known you like, forever. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”
Kyle ran along the line in front of us, determinedly dribbling the ball, pursued by one of his teammates.
He looked… impressive.
“Yeah, you look at him like that,” Julie said.
My shoulders sagged and I let out a breath. “You’re so annoying.”
She chuckled. “What, you thought I would fall for your silly antics under the stairs on Saturday? I knew you were interested in Kyle. You’ve always been interested in Kyle—”
I snapped my gaze to her. “I don’t have interest in anyone.”
“Who are you fooling?” Julie asked with a raised eyebrow.
Anyone else would have cowed down to me raising my voice, but not Julie.
Julie was used to my shit, and she took none of it.
She put her cat-eye sunglasses on, took another sip from her juice box, and said, “Look, I get the whole coming out of the closet thing is tough. Actually, no, I don’t, because I’m straight. But I can imagine it would be pretty tough, especially when you’re in… well, the social position that you and Kyle are in—”
“Again, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” I said sullenly.
But my heart knew what she was talking about, all right. My heart raced against my chest overtime, horrified at being found out. If it was so easy for Julie to hit the nail on the head like this, how obvious had I been? Did anyone else suspect—?
“I don’t think anyone else suspects, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said.
My grip on the edge of the bleacher relaxed. “Honestly, this is none of your business.”
“Oh, Mr. Manipulator, you’re not thinking straight,” she said. “That’s how I can tell I’m right.”
“What makes you think I’m not thinking straight?”
“Because you’re throwing away an ally.”
Tch. “And who would that be? You?”
“You’re damn right that would be me,” she said with a flick of her hair.
“What’s your stake in this?” I asked.
“Oh, you want to know my motivations so you can predict what I’ll do? God, you’re such an amateur…”
“I asked you a question.”
“Whatever. I don’t have a reason for it.”
I tilted my head. “Everyone has a reason for doing anything. Or everything. I don’t know how to say it, but you know what I mean.”
“Well,” she said, crossing one slim leg over the other. “I’m bored.”
I blinked at her. “You’re bored.”
She nodded and sipped the juice box again.
I heard it gurgle as the end of the straw struggled to find more of that sugary elixir.
“I want to help you,” she said.
“I don’t need help.” I crossed my arms.
“I know. But like I said, I’m bored and I need something to do. Shipping is my hobby—”
“Shipping?”
“Yeah, you know that thing where you really want two characters to get together when you’re watching a show or something?”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Well, like in Avatar The Last Airbender. Lots of people want Katara and Zuko to get together. Right?”
I’d recently re-watched the series—unbeknownst to anyone, of course—and I remembered that scene in Book One where Zuko has Katara tied to that tree…
How… how I’d pictured myself as Zuko, the misunderstood prince, tying Kyle to a tree…
I crossed my ankle over my knee.
Julie continued. “So thinking of pairing Katara up with Zuko is shipping—”
“Yeah, yeah, I know what it is. I didn’t need you to explain all that.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“Maybe I wanted you to run your mouth a little bit. Tire you out.”
“Oh, whatever,” Julie said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Plotting your next move or whatever, you big spider. I’m just saying you’re being inefficient about it.”
I scowled. She knew that was my weak point.
Calling out anything I did as ‘inefficient.’ Suggesting I was incompetent at anything—it didn’t jive well with me.
Again, I thought of that barn…
I shook my head.
“Then what do you suggest, Princess Feywood?” I asked.
“I think if you’re going to play master manipulator or whatever, you have to make sure you’re in the center of the web.”
“And what web is that?”
“Whatever web you want.”
“I don’t do well with indirectness. Spit it out,” I snapped.
She smirked, and her lip gloss shone as her mouth shifted. “Bullshit. You live in indirectness.”
My mouth quirked at that. Maybe she was more observant than I gave her credit for.
“Anyway. Consider me an ally. A very, very bored ally. I just need to know what you want out of all this, though I already know the answer. Guys are so predictable—”
“I don’t know what I want,” I said honestly, thinking of the way Kyle’s face looked the other night. The way that somehow, I felt like I’d betrayed him. And how in a curious, inverted way, it felt like I’d betrayed myself. I liked the experience with him, sure. Who wouldn’t? But as far as looking down the road, everything felt…
Well, it felt blank.
“It’s so cute to watch you think,” Julie said. “Instead of you know, that plotting thing you think you’re doing all the time.”
“I don’t know the difference.”
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “God, you’re so… ugh, never mind. Anyway. Tell me—you let it slip to him that you’re taking me home, right? Probably said something that’ll crawl in his ear, like ‘giving me a ride,’ am I right?”
I went quiet.
She burst out in a gale of laughter, and suddenly I was reminded of Harley Quinn.
Maybe I bit off more than I could chew with this one.
I glanced out at the soccer field, full of most of the attractive guys in our grade chasing that ball.
Kyle lingered near the goal, keeping his mark on the defender.
He looked so… so focused when he was out there in the game. A moving component to something bigger than himself…
That was it. I craved that. But I didn’t really know how to put words to it…
“So are you going to date my brother or not?” Julie asked.
“Not,” I said simply.
“Well, what are you going to do then? Just fuck with him a little while like a cat playing with a dead mouse? Because if that’s your plan, and if I sense any sort of plan like that beginning to hatch, I’m going to put my foot down.”
“Fair,” I said, watching the men chase that ball.
None of them caught my gaze except for Kyle.
He was the only one that exuded that capable determination. The other guys may as well have just been golden retrievers mindlessly chasing a stick.
But with Kyle… there was some kind of planning going on behind his strong, stoic features. He watched the field, the movement of the players like a hawk. It was almost as if—
“Earth to Phil!” Julie said, unwrapping a sucker. “I wasn’t done threatening you. How dare you tune me out.”
“Yes. How dare I,” I drawled.
“I said if you plan to hurt my brother in any way, I’ll kill you and make it look like an accident,” she deadpanned.
I looked over at her.
She popped a huge purple sucker into her mouth.
And from this angle, she looked and spoke so much like Harley Quinn—that unique type of crazy—that I didn’t deny that yes, this woman could and would leave me in a ditch.
“I don’t want to hurt him,” I said, watching him run toward the ball, gaining speed. “I just want… I want to be close to him. Like we used to.”
“You aren’t anymore? All I ever see is you guys hanging out—”
“It’s not the same,” I said, thinking of that day in the barn. “We went our separate ways. When we were kids, you were there. You saw how tight we were. But then… then we both changed, I think.”
Her expression darkened.
I wondered for a moment if she knew about the barn, but that was impossible unless Kyle told her. And Kyle promised he’d never tell anyone.
Kyle kept his promises, always.
“Well, then,” she said, pulling the sucker out of her mouth with a generous pop. “You’re the one who left his room that night. I’m guessing you didn’t leave of your own accord. Unless you were one of those annoying boys with commitment issues, who always leaves after sex.”
“Nah, that ‘ain’t me,” I said with a wave of my hand. Then I paused for a moment, debating.
I looked over at her, my crazy-ass… sister.
We’d grown up together. And even though she wasn’t really my sister, she was my sister in all the ways that counted. I decided I could trust her… for now.
With this.
Because aside from everything else, it was nice to have someone to talk to.
An… an ally.
Not quite a friend. Not yet. But an ally.
“He told me he didn’t trust me,” I admitted, running my hands through my hair.
“Ah. Well, if there’s no trust, there cannot be love. You know who said that?”
“A million people throughout human history,” I said dryly.
“Eros and Psyche,” she answered simply.
“That’s a myth. A story.”
“Everything’s a myth and a story,” she said, almost gloating. “But the bottom line is, you can’t have love without trust.”
“I don’t love him,” I pointed out. “He’s… well, my best friend. Or used to be, I guess.”
“So what changed?” she asked.
I thought of that day in the barn.
I couldn’t tell her that; I couldn’t tell anyone that.
“I have to go,” I said.
; She grabbed my wrist and stared me in the eye. “Phil. What changed?”
This time, there was an edge of desperation to her voice. Maybe that’s the whole reason she wanted to befriend me. She sensed a change in Kyle around that time, and he wouldn’t tell her, so now she was coming after me for the information.
I narrowed my eyes.
She didn’t want to be my friend; not really. All she wanted was information.
Disappointment crashed through me like white water rapids as I felt my hope plummet. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been hoping for… for a friend.
But she made it clear we weren’t friends. She’d used that word deliberately—allies. Implying we had the same enemy.
Though from the tone of her voice when she grabbed my wrist, it was clear she wasn’t looking in the same direction as me; she wasn’t looking forward.
Julie was looking at the past. She just wanted to know; to suck the information out of me just like she’d sucked every last drop of juice out of that Hi-C.
“Nothing changed except us,” I lied, looking into her eyes. And for a moment there, she looked exactly like Kyle. “We grew up. Grew apart, but at the same time, together. Do you know what I mean?”
I expected her to shake her head, let me fall off this ledge. Tell me she didn’t know what I meant, no; that I was crazy and dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing. To feign ignorance and pretend that life was linear; that there had to be a reason why people crossed paths and then diverged.
I thought she was one of those people that needed an explanation for everything.
But instead, she closed her eyes and said, “I get it. I think. But also, you promised to take me home.”
“Right,” I said. Then I glanced out at the field again.
Kyle still looked balls-deep in the game. “It’s going to be a while before he’s ready to go home,” I commented.
“I’ll let you know when he gets there,” she offered.
Hm. Already offering me little treats, was she? Already trying to get me on her side. She must have really wanted to know what caused the change in her brother.
It was a change easily explained away as puberty, or just growing up, or entering high school and shifting around within friend groups.
But I knew her. I knew her curious, detective ways.
Kyle From High School Page 5