"That makes sense," he agreed. Then, yet again, he caught up to the awkwardness too late. "I mean--"
"I know."
There was another ungainly silence. Finally he broke it. "That's my problem. I keep saying the wrong thing."
"I'm used to it."
"I guess so. But you know, sometimes things work out anyway. They did for my folks."
"Oh?"
"My mother, Lacuna--she liked this man, but he didn't notice her, so nothing came of it. Then his life didn't work out, and hers didn't, and she wished it had happened differently, but it was too late. They had both ruined their lives by not getting together."
"But then she found your father," Cube said.
"Not exactly. He was the one she liked, who married someone else and made a mess of it."
"A mess? But in Xanth marriages always work out."
"Marriages last, yes. But she was a mean woman, so he was stuck, and probably wished he hadn't done it. Certainly my mother wished he hadn't. So she made it a Question to the Good Magician. He wasn't there, then, but Magician Grey was substituting, and he told her she should have proposed to Vernon."
"That wasn't much help! How long had it been?"
"Twelve years. And of course she couldn't go back. But then she got a wish, and she wished she had proposed to him, and then she discovered her change of life."
"Change of life?"
"Yes. When she got home, she was married to him, and I was her first male child. She calls it her retroactive marriage. I mean, she changed the past, with her wish, and then just sort of stepped into how her life would have been, and now really was. I get confused when I think about it too much."
"That's not surprising."
"But anyway, it all worked out well, for my folks and for me. I had a good childhood, after having been alone for ten years. I mean, that change of life affected me too, so I had no longer lived alone, and that was great, but I remembered some of how it had been, so I was really grateful. Except for Lacky, my big sister who never existed; I still miss her. Does that make sense?"
Cube pondered it. Vernon must have had a daughter in the bad marriage, who was undone by the change, and Ryver retained some memory of her. Changes of life did have consequences. "I think so. If I could somehow change my past, and make myself be delivered beautiful, I'm sure I'd be grateful, if I remembered my present life."
"Right. That's how it is with me. I hope the Good Magician comes through for you."
He seemed sincere, and she realized that she liked him. He was sometimes socially clumsy, but he had a good heart. "I hope so too." Then she got bold, which often as not got her into trouble. That was the liability of gumption. "If--if he has an Answer for me, and I get beautiful, maybe after I work my year off--where will you be?"
He looked at her in the dim light. "I'm afraid I'll say something stupid. I do that often enough. Maybe I don't understand your question."
"I'm twenty years old and have always been, well, plain. I'd like to--to have a relationship with a good man. Just as your mother did. She changed her reality and got it after she thought she'd lost it. If I got beautiful--would you care to be the man?"
He considered for a full moment, which was the time required for the average man to make such a decision. "Sure."
"I mean, I'd have the same personality. The same talent. I'd be the same person. Only lovely."
"That's what makes the difference."
How unfortunately true. He didn't care about her character, just about her appearance. He really was a typical man. "So if it works out for me, as it did for your mother, maybe I'll come to your house."
"Sure. Just ask for Ryver. Everybody in my area knows the water boy."
This seemed too easy. Did it mean he thought she was joking, or that he didn't believe she'd ever be beautiful? Was he humoring her so as to get rid of her without making a scene? Had she just made a worse fool of herself than she thought? Maybe she should cancel it now. "Of course, if--"
"Let me give you something, so you can find me better. When you come, I mean."
He was taking it seriously! "Oh, you don't need to--"
"I'll fetch it from the river." He got up and stepped out of the shelter.
Bemused, she followed. Now she saw that the rest of the camp was outlined with glow, including its internal paths, for the convenience of travelers. What could he give her, that was from the water?
At the river, he leaned down and swooped one hand through the water. He shaped something with his other hand. Then he offered it to her. "Here."
She couldn't quite make it out in this light. It seemed to shimmer. "What is it?"
"A water ball." He put it into her hands.
She held it. It was indeed a ball, cool and soft, but it couldn't be water because it held its shape. Yet she had seen him swoop it from the river. "How--?"
"I told you: my talent is water. I can shape it into things, and it will keep. Show that to anyone in my neighborhood, and they'll know I gave it to you. If you get caught without water, you can drink some of it, but don't drink it all. If you get tired of it, return it to any river or pond. It deserves to be with its own substance."
"I won't get tired of it," she said, amazed. "This is--amazing."
He paused. "Maybe I'd better show you the rest."
"The rest?"
He faced away from her, then quickly got out of his clothing. She saw just the shadow of his lean bare backside. What was he up to? Then he jumped into the river and disappeared.
"Ryver!" she cried, bobbling the water ball. "Where are you?"
His head appeared, rising from the surface. "Here's my head."
She laughed nervously. "And the rest of you, I trust."
"Not at the moment, exactly. Feel."
"What?"
"Put your hand down in the water. Feel where I should be."
"I can't do that! You're naked!"
"Not exactly. Feel."
Bemused, she held the ball in one hand and put the other down to feel his neck under the surface.
There was no neck.
She felt further. There was no body. Just the head.
"What is this?" she asked, growing alarmed.
"It's me. I'm made of water."
"Made of water!" Realizing that this must be a trick or illusion, she put her hand under the head and lifted it up. It came out of the water, like a shaggy ball.
"At least, when I enter water," the head said.
"Oh!" She was so startled she dropped the head. It splashed into the river and dissolved.
Then she saw it form again, downstream. This time it came out of the river by itself. His body was under it. She turned her eyes away, lest she see something she shouldn't, even in the darkness. Actually she was old enough, and was a member of the Adult Conspiracy, not that it did her any good. But she lacked experience, because of her appearance.
In one or two moments--certainly no more than two and a half moments--Ryver had recovered his clothing. "So you see, I'm not a regular man. That is, not when I'm in the water. Originally I was all water, and I longed to become flesh. When I became Lacuna's son, I became flesh--except when I get too close to my origin. I thought maybe you should know that, when you're beautiful, before you come to--to--"
"To have a relationship," she finished for him.
"Yes. This--this has turned off other girls. So if you don't want to do it, I'll understand."
Cube looked at the water ball in her hand. He was indeed not a regular man. But was it worse than the way demons were? He just had a more serious relationship with water than she had realized. "I think I can handle it."
"That's great!"
They returned to the shelter. On the way, she thought of something else. "You gave me something. I should give you something. But all I have is--is something you might not want."
"What is it?"
"A rear-view mirror. But I have to tell you, it's not quite what you think, and you can't get rid of it unless you give it away to some
one else."
"That's okay. Let's see it."
She fished the mirror from her pocket and gave it to him. "It's what it shows."
"Seems like a regular mirror to me." He held it up before his face. "Say--what's that?"
"Your derriere," she said delicately.
"Isn't that something!" He changed the position of the mirror, getting a better view in the dim light. "I like it. It reminds me of my early life."
"How does it do that?" she asked surprised.
"When I look back, to see how it was and how it became, it's a rear view. Not quite the same as the front view other folk see. The mirror's like that, maybe."
She was relieved. "It's yours, as long as you want it." She glanced at her ball. "Is it safe to set this down?"
"No, not exactly. Keep it with you, or with something that's yours, like your clothing. If it leaves you, it will revert. That's why folk will know I gave it to you; no one else can touch it."
"That's sweet."
"So are you. I hope you get beautiful."
On that nice note, they went to sleep. Maybe if she got beautiful she would get to sleep in his arms. As it was, she was satisfied to have their agreement for the future. Maybe it wouldn't work out, but at least she'd be in the game. That would be far more than she had ever had before.
In the morning they took turns using the sanitary facilities, then had a breakfast of milk and honey pies. Then Ryver went his way, and Cube went her way. Her determination to get beautiful had been reinforced; now she knew exactly what to do with that beauty. Until then, she could dream.
Outside the camp was a warning sign: DO NOT LAUGH. Cube looked at it and shrugged; she hadn't been planning to laugh anyway.
As she set forth, a shape looked up beside the path. "Come here and I will really send you," it called.
Cube realized it was a male demon. She knew better than to leave the path. "Where will you send me?"
"To Mundania," he said, chortling. "I am Demon Port."
Demons generally had a simple translation code, except for Metria, who evidently hadn't gotten her word quite right. Demon reduced to D, and the name. That would abbreviate to D. Port, or deport. "No thanks." And suppose she had laughed? Would she have fallen into the demon's power despite the protection of the path? Now she appreciated the sign's warning.
Another figure appeared. "Come to me," he called. "I reduce things to simpler forms. I am Demon Volve."
Which would be D. Volve--devolve. Cube did not want him either, so she kept walking, with a straight face.
A third demon appeared. "I am Louse. I hate bugs."
That would be D. Louse--delouse. Cube did not find that funny at all, because of her talent. Bugs could be very beneficial on occasion.
A demoness appeared. She was absolutely lovely as she preened; she looked like a goddess. She sang a brief melody, and her voice was divine. Then she paused. "Well, aren't you going to applaud?"
That surprised Cube. "Applaud?"
"I am Demoness Va. I expect my due."
D. Va--Diva. A prima donna. Probably the only way to get rid of her was to give her the applause she craved. Cube clapped her hands together several times.
D. Va made a bow and faded out. Cube smiled, but refrained from laughing.
Another demoness appeared. It seemed there was a whole troupe of them. "Tell me your secrets, and I will spoil them," she said enticingly.
Cube couldn't figure that one out. "Who are you?"
"Demoness Mystify."
Demystify. "No thanks."
The next demon was different. It was a fat male in a big washtub. He was scrubbing his own back with a long-handled brush. "Rub-a-tub-tub!" he sang, well off-key. He sounded intoxicated. "Rub my tub, summon me. Rub my back, I'll grant you three." Sparkling water sloshed as he moved.
"Really? Three wishes?"
He looked at her. "Of course not. This stuff is alcoholic. I can't focus well enough to get myself out, let alone grant wishes. But it's a fine-sounding promise." He belched.
What was the pun? "Who are you?"
"I'm a bathtub jinn."
Cube, surprised by the change in the code, laughed before she caught herself. And a bucket of dirty water that smelled of gin drenched her. The demon laughed so hard he and the tub exploded into smoke and dissipated.
Well, she had been warned. Apparently the magic of the path couldn't protect her entirely from her own folly. She paused at the next stream, rinsed out her clothing and herself, put it back on wet, and let it dry on her. At least the demons hadn't stayed to laugh at her unsightly body as she rinsed.
Her hand brushed something on her damp clothing. It turned out to be several stick-hers. She must have overlooked the stick-her bush when she took off her clothes. There were also a few stick-hims, as though the bushes hadn't been sure of her gender. Even plants rubbed in the fact that she was no lovely creature.
Later, a small boy was standing at the edge of the path. He was staring at her midsection. "What are you looking at?" she asked sharply.
"I see your pan-tees!" he said in a singsong voice.
Cube refused to be fooled; she knew they were completely covered by her skirt. "No you don't."
"Yes I do. They're ugly. And they're wet."
That got to her. Her outer clothing had dried, but her underwear remained damp. "How do you know?"
"It's my talent. I can see panties, covered or not."
It seemed he could. "But that's a violation of the Adult Conspiracy."
"Yeah," he agreed zestfully.
Cube was annoyed. Then she realized that when this obnoxious boy grew to manhood, his talent would cause him to be perpetually freaked out. So that situation would take care of itself. She walked on by him.
She walked well that day, and knew she was getting close to the Good Magician's Castle. That was because there were signs along the way, saying GOOD MAGICIAN'S CASTLE TWO AND A HALF DAYS' WALK, and ONE AND A HALF DAYS' WALK. So her third day's walk should be half a day, and she'd be there.
She felt something in her pocket. She brought it out. It was the rear-view mirror. How had that gotten there? She had given it to Ryver yesterday, and not taken it back. Had he returned it to her in the night? That seemed unlikely; she didn't think he would have done such a thing without telling her, and in any event she would have been aware if he had come close enough to do it.
She had not been able to get rid of it before; could this be another aspect of that? She could give it to a person, but then it quietly returned to her? Magic objects could have odd properties. She'd have to try again, and stay alert. Meanwhile, she put it from her mind. At least she still had the water ball Ryver had given her.
She passed another sign: HEADLINE. At this point she was taking signs seriously. But what did it mean?
Then she saw a line of balls along the side of the path. Only they turned out to be heads. A head line.
"Step over me so I can see the color of your panties and freak blissfully out," the first head said. Then it blinked, getting a better look at her. "Cancel that." The eyes squeezed closed.
Cube almost ground her teeth. Even her panties were not good enough!
Just at the right place there was another campsite. She entered it, and discovered someone else there: a winged centaur filly, with the large human breasts and handsome brown equine flanks and tail of her kind. She also wore a quiver and bow, the harness nicely framing her front. "Hello," Cube said, surprised.
"Hello. I am Karia Centaur. Please don't repeat my name."
"I am Cube Human. I'm on my way to see the Good Magician."
"I just came from there. It's less than an hour's flight from here."
"Half a day's walk," Cube agreed. "But why are you here, since you're not landbound?"
"I am a winged monster," the filly agreed, though she hardly resembled a monster. "But I can't fly indefinitely, so I need a safe place to spend the night."
"I'm happy to share the night with you, if you're sa
tisfied to share it with me."
"Of course. I don't have human company very often."
They handled the routine of harvesting supper and pillows for the night, then settled down in the shelter and talked. "You said you just came from the Good Magician's Castle," Cube said. "May I ask--"
"I'm a flying centaur, so my talent is flying. That is, flicking myself light enough to float. But I have an associated side effect that I would like to be rid of. So I went to ask the Good Magician."
"As I am doing. Did he help you?"
"No." Then before Cube could look surprised, she explained. "I didn't get to ask my Question. I did not make it through the three challenges. In fact I didn't pass the first challenge. So now I am returning to the herd with my tail between my legs, as it were."
"But I thought centaurs were smart." Then Cube realized that she was being just as awkward as Ryver had been. "I mean, it must have been a formidable challenge."
"It was a stupid challenge, but it stymied me. It was a path that forked. One side passed close by a sticker bush that stuck me when I got close, so I had to avoid it."
"A stick-her bush," Cube said. "It probably stuck only females. I encountered one of those today."
"Oh, a stupid pun. I hate puns!"
"But there are puns all over Xanth; you can't avoid them."
"Yes I can; I fly over them. I make sure to land on pun-free terrain. It's just too awful when I accidentally step in one and get it stuck to my hoof." The filly shuddered. "There is nothing more revolting than having to scrape squashed pun off your foot."
"So maybe the Good Magician was forcing you to face what you hated. That was the real nature of the challenge."
Karia frowned. "I suppose so. I think it was unkind of him."
It was apparent that the centaur had lacked the gumption to tackle something she found objectionable. That would never stop Cube, of course, but there was no point in pointing that out. "Where did the other side of the forked path go?"
"I couldn't make head or tail of that. It terminated at a door. I opened the door, but it became a jug in my hand, and there was just a blank wall beyond it. When I moved the jug forward it became the door again, closed. It was no help at all. I was most frustrated."
Cube laughed. "You opened the door and made it a jar!"
Cube Route Page 2