I was sort of ashamed to admit that part, but I had been up front with Toby about my previous infatuation with Kane. He had never worried over it. When I questioned why he wasn’t his answer had played over in my head so many times I could still hear the way he said it. “I’m not concerned because you’ve been working there for years. It’s his loss that he never saw you as more, but me being jealous that you wanted something from him he never gave would cause a rift in a friendship that is important to you. It’d be a pain in the ass for you to go to the job you love, and my job as your man is to make your life as easy and happy as possible. I’m not bothered that you used to crush on Kane. Why would I be? You told me about it, and didn’t hide it. That’s all I ever ask. Honesty is everything. Jealousy has no place in an honest relationship, because there’s no need for it.”
Hearing those words play out again in my head as I hugged Kane unleashed more of those iron butterflies in my stomach. I missed Toby so much, but I had been missing Kane all these months too. Sully and Zeke, even Ever had all been absent from my life – by own choosing – and it was time to remedy that, because what I hadn’t realized was that I had mourned the fact that they weren’t in my life. Maybe not the same way I had with Toby and our baby, but them being gone was still a loss. I couldn’t believe that I had only just realized that I didn’t have to feel their loss. They were still here, and they wanted to be there for me as I healed. I was a fool to stay away so long.
I saw Ever hovering toward the back of the shop, watching the reunion I was having with the guys. She seemed torn over whether to come closer or stay away. I nodded my head at her and looked away. It was the best I could do. My emotions weren’t ready to face her just yet. One day soon. Maybe. If the butterflies ever stopped slicing my insides to pieces, maybe I could find the courage to face my past so I could truly move on with my future.
“You back for good now?” Kane asked.
“I don’t know. I’m back. Let’s see how things go,” I told him as I glanced toward the back where Ever had gone.
“Are you mad at her or worried about how she feels?”
“I don’t even know how I feel most days. You would think I could have figured it out by now. It’s been months. Half a year, and here I am, still unable to process everything.”
“Whose time frame are you working with in there?”
“Kane,” I whined. “How the hell should I know?”
“It’s just you, G. When you feel you’re ready, that’s when you will be ready to move past each new hurdle, and not before. It’s not a race. Healing takes time, and the amount of time it takes is different for everyone.” His eyes roamed the length me – what length there was anyway. “What’s up with all this?”
“All this?”
“Yeah, this is not the way you used to look,” he commented.
“I’m not the same person who used to look that way.” I shrugged my shoulders and stowed my mini backpack behind the counter. Kane reached out and pulled some of my almost white-blond hair between his fingertips.
“Change can be good, G. Do what you need to.” He leaned in, smelling of salty, fresh ocean air and leather, as he planted a kiss to my forehead. “Really glad to have you back home, G,” he whispered against my skin before pulling back and walking away.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
For three weeks I pulled double duty going back and forth between Permanent Marks and my sister’s soon-to-open photography studio. During that time, Ever tried to approach me a few times, more so in the past week than all the rest. I don’t know why I was so scared of that initial confrontation, but I was. Kane was always there to step between us and send her on her way though. I could tell his interference was putting a strain on their friendship, and I didn’t want that to happen.
“Has anyone been in to ask about the help wanted sign yet?” I asked my sister as she moved her background hanger to a new spot.
“Yes and no. No one I would hire has been through those doors.”
“That’s good.”
Beth stopped and turned to me. “What do you mean by ‘that’s good,’ Gretchen.”
I tried for nonchalance as I shrugged my shoulders. “I think I’d rather work here and just go visit the guys once in a while.”
“What? No. What did that girl do now?” When I didn’t say anything my sister quite literally got in my face. “Gretchen! What did she do? I thought they had a talk with her about giving you some space for a while.”
“They did. I’m sure they think it’s been a while already. Listen, I know it’s stupid, but I’m scared. I don’t want to know if she hates me, blames me, or…”
“Come on, be honest with me. It’s none of those things.”
“I’m afraid the moment I talk to her all of the hurt and pain is going to come back and just swamp me, Beth,” I finally admitted out loud. “I can’t go back to that place. It felt like I was dying every single day only to wake up and go through it all over again without being reunited with my loves.”
“Aw, sister of mine, come here.” Beth took me in her arms and held me for a few minutes. “I agree that I don’t want you back in that dark place, but are you sure you really want to give up your job over there? You love it.”
“I do, but is it worth it if I’m always on edge, waiting to fall apart again?”
“If you want the job, you know it’s yours.” My sister didn’t want me dwelling on the darker emotions anymore, I could tell, because she had agreed way too quickly. “Can you carry these out front? It’s all stuff that needs to go out front in the lobby.” She then proceeded to pile boxes up in my arms until I felt like I was balancing a jumbling tower of shit that would fall if I breathed wrong. “There you go. Look at that, you’ll be able to do it in one trip while I finish this box for my inventory.”
“Yeah, okay,” I grunted as I moved from the back room to the lobby just as the bells over the door sounded. I guess we hadn’t locked the door behind us when I’d come in earlier. “Hi. We’ll be right with you,” I huffed out to whomever had come into the shop. Then I proceeded to nearly faceplant with the boxes as I tripped over the bulky electrical strip that ran across that portion of the room. Damn it.
“Do you need help with that?” The voice wasn’t much above a whisper, but I knew it was a woman in here with me now.
“No, I got it. Just,” I puffed out as I stumbled one more time for good measure before knocking the middle box in the stack against the counter that I couldn’t see. “Give me,” ah shit, the top box was going. I felt it. I zigged when the box tried to zag and somehow managed to save the damn thing. Beth was an idiot for trying to make me get this all out here in one trip. I hoped it was all breakable and fell even after my heroic efforts to keep it up. It would serve her right. “A sec,” I finally remembered to finish my sentence for the woman still waiting on me to get my shit together and stop juggling boxes like a circus freak.
As soon as I was able to rid myself of my burden, I plastered a smile on my face and turned to properly greet whomever had come in while I’d been busy. That fake-ass smile slipped immediately when I turned to see Toby’s little sister standing there gaping slack-jawed back at me. “Anna?”
“Hi, Gretchen. How are you?” Her sweet, soft-spoken voice took me back to the memories of the times she would sneak away to hang out with Toby and me. It wasn’t often, but often enough that I felt like our secret romance wasn’t such a big damn deal.
“I’m okay,” I told her before realizing that Anna appeared strange for some reason. Why did she… Oh my God! She couldn’t be. I took in her belly. It wasn’t that she was fat, or even that far along in a pregnancy, but Anna was a tiny girl like me. It wouldn’t take much for her to start showing. How had this happened. Toby was going to kill someone! That thought stopped me short. Toby wasn’t here to do that anymore. Giving myself a little internal slap, I gestured toward Anna’s belly. “Is that what I think it is?” She tipped her head up and down slowly
while chewing at her bottom lip. I could see the sheen of tears starting in her eyes, and suddenly my worries about seeing any of Toby’s family were forgotten, and I wanted to kick my own ass for not being there for Anna. “Oh boy, I think we have a lot to discuss.”
“We do, because I thought you worked at Permanent Marks with Ever,” she told me as I gestured toward the couches that made for comfy seating in case someone had to wait in the lobby.
“I do. This is my sister’s studio. She had so much work on her books that she finally had to give in and rent studio space, plus ask for help.”
“That’s why I’m here, actually.”
“I don’t understand. Maybe you should back up and tell me how that happened.” I told her as I once again pointed to her belly. “Then you can tell me why your family is making you get a job while you are in this condition.”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’m all ears. We aren’t open until next week.” I remembered the unlocked door and didn’t want the chance that someone might interrupt this time with Anna, so I moved to go lock up. “Sorry, that should have been locked to begin with. I’m glad it wasn’t in this case though.”
“Me too,” she agreed. Then she told me all about how Toby’s death had made her see that life wasn’t promised and instead of listening to the advice he had given her before he died, she went after the prospect, Evan. Now, he was a fully patched member of the club and went by Joker, he also managed to get her pregnant before he found out she had lied about her name and hadn’t corrected his assumptions about her age. My heart broke for her. I remembered when Toby first talked to her about waiting until she was 18. He had been so worried that she wouldn’t listen and would end up starting a shitstorm. I lifted my head up toward heaven as Anna spoke. ‘Look what a mess I made by ignoring your family. Maybe I could have reminded her of the promise she made you.’
By the time Anna got to the part about how she had a nightmare shotgun wedding and her husband ended up in a compromising position with another woman the same night, I was fit to be tied. “If Toby were here, he would have kicked that man’s ass and strung him up by his balls until he saw the error of his ways. What the hell was your dad thinking? What are Ever and Deck thinking to keep letting you stick it out there?” Anna became agitated, stood, and began pacing back and forth in front of the couch she had just been sitting on. “Maybe you should take Ever up on staying with her for a while. I’d tell you to come stay with me, but I took over the apartment above Permanent Marks after Ever left, so I don’t have much room.” In truth, I hadn’t even been staying there for months and I didn’t know if the guys had saved that space for me. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask them. I had been staying with my sister for the most part since she came back to town after my life fell apart.
“It’s okay, Gretch.”
“No, it’s not. You should be overjoyed right now with the blessing you’re carrying, not worried about how you’re going to be able to save money for when the baby gets here.” Tears swam in my eyes at the thought of her being able to hold her baby in the way that I was never able to hold my own. “Have you felt the baby move yet?”
She shook her head, no. “The doctor says it should be soon though. I might be able to see the sex at my next appointment, but I don’t think I want to know. I kind of want that to be a surprise, you know?”
I offered her a warm and genuine smile. “I do know. I felt the same way.”
“I’m,” she started to say, and I could see in her eyes what was coming. I couldn’t bear to listen to an apology or see pity there, so I stopped her.
“It’s okay. I’ve been in therapy, honey. I’m strong enough to talk about it now, I promise. It still hurts, every day. Between Toby and the baby, I lost a lot that day. It’s going to hurt for a good long while, but I know how to deal with that now. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you after. Toby’s probably upset with me that I wasn’t.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Still, maybe if I’d been there with you this wouldn’t be happening to you.”
Anna shrugged. “I don’t want to wish this away.”
“No, you don’t. And I hope you don’t mind me being around more. I promise, I’ll be the best surrogate auntie you and your baby could ask for. I know you have Ever, but I’d like to think we would have been sisters if…” Anna moved quickly, wrapping me in a hug. She held on while I pulled myself back together.
“You are a sister of my heart, Gretchen. No matter what.” Instead of pulling myself back together, I fell apart in her arms and we both cried for a few minutes. “Hasn’t Ever told you the same?”
“I’ll be honest, I don’t talk to her that much anymore. At first, I felt like I was betraying her when I started dating your brother. Then, after everything, I couldn’t look at her without breaking down. She started giving me space after about the fourth time, and told me when I was ready she would be there.” I didn’t bother telling Anna about how Kane had intervened and forced Ever to keep her distance. Some things weren’t worth repeating and, for some reason, I thought she might lose some respect for me, and I couldn’t handle more guilt. I already felt bad enough that I hadn’t been there for her with everything she had going on.
“You haven’t been ready?” She asked me.
“No, I have been for a while now, it’s just that now I feel like a bit of a brat for behaving the way I did towards her.” Christ! Now, I was lying to a girl I thought of as my little sister. How the hell was I supposed to tell her I was a goddamn coward though? Because that was what it boiled down to. I was a coward and here was a girl, barely 18, about to have a baby, and doing everything she could to make the best of her life while not intruding on anyone else’s lives. She was a far better person than I was.
Anna just took in what I had to say and then she made me feel worse without meaning to. “She understands. I promise you, if anyone understands needing to get over hurts in your own way, and your own time, it’s my sister.”
“What’s going on?” Beth called out, having finally emerged from the back room. My sister managed to go all protective bulldog on Anna for a few minutes, thinking she was pushing into my space, uninvited. I appreciated that, but quickly calmed the situation. Finally, when everything sunk in and it dawned on my sister why Anna had come in, she glanced at me for my answer. Did I want to give up the job I’d just asked her for. It would mean facing my own fears and finally confronting Ever, not to mention dealing with whatever fallout happened as a result. I nodded my head to her and watched the glow that sprung across Anna’s cheeks as she was offered a job. Well, the glow spread after she initially thought she had been turned down. Anna was still cute as a damn button, but Toby would have been so proud of the way she was handling herself. Even if he wouldn’t have wanted her life to be so hard.
Chapter 9
Prospecting
Kane
Zeke looked at me and clapped a hand down tight on my shoulder. “How’s prospecting treating you?”
I thought about everything that had taken place over the past year. The way Ever was stolen away by Deck, then Gretchen was swooped away by Toby, and once more she was taken from all of us by the clubhouse cunt, Seneca. The Gretchen we once knew was no longer ours. She was long buried with her old man and their kid. We all knew it too. The only thing left to ensure our shop family stayed safe, and no more harm came to them, was to put someone on the inside with the Aces High Motorcycle Club. That someone was me. I had nothing to lose and friends to protect.
Besides, I didn’t think the clubhouse cunt acted alone. There was just no way. I had followed her, seen her with someone from an MC, and she had to be getting some sort of inside information about where he was heading all the time, because she managed to find them without having to follow closely enough behind them that they might notice her. I started hanging around the club after T-Bone’s death. At first, it was to be there for Ever once Gretchen made it clear she needed spa
ce from everyone. Then I used that time spent there as my way in. Before long, I found myself prospecting to be a member. It was a shame that T-Bone’s death was my foot in the door, but I couldn’t pass up that opportunity no matter how foul a taste it left behind in my mouth to admit it myself.
“I have this,” I told Zeke as I stood to my full height, forcing his hand to fall from my shoulder.
“You’re a good man, Kane.”
“If I was a good man, we wouldn’t have had to watch one of our girls lose everything and fall apart the way she did. That bitch should have been stopped before it got that far, and I just sat back watching her and taking notes.”
“None of us could have known how that shit was going to play out.”
“I fucking know that. I just had this feeling in my gut, and if I had gone with it instead of waiting…”
“Kane, we can’t look back. Get your ass on the inside of that club and figure out who the fuck was feeding her the information so we can make sure this shit never happens again. Deck is still there, and Ever is with him. We need to make sure she’s safe. We don’t know who was helping that cunt, or how fucked that club is. Seems to me they’ve been rotting from the inside out here in Charleston for some time now. I know some guys from the mother chapter, and this shit going on here ain’t the norm, man. I want you to be careful, be vigilant as fuck, and don’t be afraid to call me if you need backup or a way out.”
I scoffed at that. “You really think it goes that deep? I haven’t seen anything yet.”
“That’s what you’re going in to find out, because eventually someone’s going to slip up.”
“Kane!” Merc called to me the minute I stepped foot inside the clubhouse walls. I was here to work my shift, hopefully behind the bar. I turned to him and tipped my chin up, a sign of hello and respect. “Just the man I needed to see,” he ambled over to me, threw his arm around my shoulders, and then tapped the name tape on my chest that simply said PROSPECT. “Let’s go to my office.” It wasn’t a suggestion, and it had my nerves on edge. I still hadn’t said anything to this point and didn’t see a reason to change that until after the office door shut tight. Then he indicated I should take a seat on the couch in front of his desk.
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