by C. J. Welles
I know you and I didn't work out as a couple, but what we have shared has been just as great, if not better. Up until four months ago, I thought I loved you. Well, I do love you, but I love you as a friend. Since we admitted to ourselves and each other that we just weren't working as a couple, it feels like a weight has lifted off my chest and shoulders. But I have still had you to lean on throughout my sickness.
It's now your time to drop those weights you’ve been carrying around. You don't need to protect me anymore. Every day you have put me first, over your own hurt and feelings. Bry, you are such a caring and selfless man. The way you go out of your way to help your family and friends, you are amazing. But you need to put yourself first, now.
I think I’m to the part that I’ve been trying to put off. I want to say goodbye to you now, in case I don’t get a chance when the time comes. Writing these last words makes it all feel more real and I’m scared to do it, but I want to make sure I have them in writing so you never forget them.
You, Bry, mean so much to me and I will cherish every moment we have together. I hope where I go to next, I can remember every detail of you. One thing I hope I never forget is your booming laugh when you can’t control it. I hope you continue to laugh. I know you are broken, I don’t have to be there to know this but please for me laugh every day, it lights up the room when you do.
Bry, your heart is the other thing I will miss. It is so big and has so much love in there. You just need to find someone to share all that love with. I got a small glimpse of it and the lady you choose to give your full heart to is going to be one lucky lady.
Don’t hate me for saying it, but maybe one day you’ll reach out to Casey. I’m only writing this here because you can't give me an ear flogging for it.
I’ll miss you, Bry.
Love Krystal
Xx
Damn, right I would have given her an ear flogging and the silent treatment for a day. Reading her words again brings a small smile to my face even though it makes my chest ache.
I put the letter away and drink half a bottle of whiskey before I pass out.
***
Chapter Four
Casey
I SLOWLY MAKE my way to the door as I hear Brett knock. For the past two weeks, I’ve been trying to dodge his calls. I feel like a real bitch for doing it but my mind has needed time to process seeing Bryson again. I haven’t had time to focus on Brett.
“Hi,” I say as I open the door.
“It’s good to see you,” Brett says as he walks in. “What’s been going on?”
“Not a lot. Just working and sleeping. I don’t have much time for anything else.”
“Very true, you need to learn when to take a break.”
“I know, mom says the same thing every time she sees me.”
I walk into my small living room and collapse onto the couch and Brett follows. “About the other week-” I begin but Brett waves me off.
“It’s okay, Casey. It was just something that happened in the heat of the moment.”
“Yeah, but still…” I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I let it drop. “Any plans for the rest of the night?”
“No, just planned on going home.”
“Want to order takeout and watch a movie? It’s been a while since I chilled on the couch like this.”
“Sure, I’ll order. Do you want Chinese?”
“Perfect.” I grab the remote and flick through Netflix until I come across a movie to watch, while Brett calls the Chinese house. We’ve had dinner together enough time for him to know what I do or don’t eat.
“Leslie said she’ll bring it by in half an hour”
“She’s a doll,” I answer as Brett settles in on the other end of the couch.
Leslie lives four houses down the road from me and on numerous times she’s dropped our order off on her way home.
“Carmen said you both went out a few weeks back.”
“It was her cousin’s birthday.”
“That’s good. You need to go out more often.”
“You sound like Carmen,” I say with a laugh.
“I know but we both care about you and we worry about how much you work.”
“Sometimes working non- stop is better than stopping and letting my brain relax.”
Brett sits up and looks at me with concern. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. It’s long ago in my past. But sometimes people just like to stay busy so they can forget.”
“Casey, if you ever need to talk, I’m here for you.”
I pat him lightly on the thigh. “I know. I will one day when I’m ready.
It just won’t be this week and probably not for the next year. It’s never a good thing when my mind goes back to then.
*
Bryson
“THE GIRL IN the red hat is giving you fuck me eyes,” Ryan slurs as we’re sitting in a bar in Colorado Springs. We’re out celebrating as I got first place again tonight.
I didn’t do so well in Austin last weekend but tonight I kicked ass.
I look to my left and see the girl who he’s talking about. She gives me what I guess is meant to be a smile that will make me want to fuck her, but in truth, it turns me off.
She’s hot, with her long blond hair that is curled, what looks like brown eyes and full lips that are painted red. She’s wearing a white singlet top with a red bra. I can tell it’s red because the singlet is so darn tight that her tits and bra are popping out of her top.
“Not interested.”
“Bry, it’s been nearly a year. No one will think any less of you if you move on.”
“I don’t want to. Just drop it,” I grate out.
“You haven’t had much luck with women,” he says and it takes everything in me to not turn around and knock him on his ass.
I tip my head back and drain the rest of my beer before standing up. “Where are you going?” Ryan asks.
“I’m going to my trailer before you open your mouth and say something that will make me knock you out.”
“You’re being a pussy.” I roll my eyes and ignore him as I turn to leave.
“Hey, baby, where are you off to?” The blond-haired girl with the red cowgirl hat says.
“Back to my trailer.”
“Is that an invitation?”
I go to say no, but Ryan’s words sound out in my head. I find myself saying, “Yes.” As I grab her hand and pull her out of the bar and towards my trailer, that’s parked in the back corner of the car park.
I pull the door open and the girl walks in. “Nice place,” she says as she pulls her top off and tosses it on my couch. “Which room is yours?”
I point to the door at the back of the trailer and watch as she makes her way down the short hallway, strutting with each step.
I don’t move as I think about if I really want to do this. My dick definitely wants this, but my head is still catching up to my dick. By the time I make my way to my small bedroom, I’ve made up my mind. I find her naked and sprawled across my bed with her legs open.
Pulling my t-shirt over my head, I chuck it on the wash pile before grabbing my towel. “I’ll be out of the shower in five minutes. By the time I get out, I want you gone.”
“Are you fucking serious?” she asks in disbelief.
“Yes.”
“You got me over here and naked for no reason? I could have got someone else by now.” She climbs off my bed and pulls her singlet over her head, not worrying about her bra.
“Wasn’t for no reason. You reminded me why I don’t do one night stands anymore.”
“You’re a pig.”
“Don’t worry darlin’, I’ve been called worse.”
When I get out of the shower, the chick is gone but instead, Nath is sitting on the couch.
“Heard you brought a pretty little thing over here.”
I roll my eyes. “Some days I forget how fast word travels.”
“She’s over there accusi
ng you of being gay.” I tip my head back and laugh. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed and it feels foreign, but I can’t help it. “Me gay? Does she not know who she’s talkin’ about?”
“She does. She clearly said ‘Bryson Miller’ and most of the people laughed at her.”
“Why’d you bring her over here?”
I shrug. “Wanted to show her the scenery.”
“Fucking hell, do you know how hard it is to get a straight answer from you?”
“Nope.”
“You thinkin’…” He shakes his head then stands up. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Remind that twin of yours that we’re leavin’ just after sunrise.”
“You think he listens to anythin’ I say?”
He gets to the door and has it open before I talk. “You can crash here tonight. I know Ryan isn’t going to be finishing up for a long time.”
“Cheers.” he gives me a smile as he heads to the spare room.
He won’t want to think he’s had a breakthrough with me because nothing or no one will change how I am. Tonight, the little bit of heart that I have left decided that Nath shouldn’t have to put up with Ryan’s drunken shit.
***
Chapter Five
Bryson
I GRAB MY duffel bag from above my seat and toss it over my shoulder. I see the chick who was sitting beside me, struggling to get her suitcase down without dropping it on her head.
I lean over the top of her and pull it down before handing it to her. “Thanks,” she says quietly.
“No problem ma'am.” She frowns when I call her ma'am. My momma always taught me to be polite, no matter their age. I’d say this girl is in her teens and hasn’t been called ma’am before.
Four months have passed since I was in Colorado Springs and in those months, we’ve been all over the country. The highlight out of everywhere we’ve been to, was in Springfield when Makayla flew out to see us. Spending a weekend with Ryan, Makayla, and her boyfriend was both hilarious and frustrating. It's clear as day that Makayla and Ryan want each other, they’re both just too darn stubborn to admit it.
Three weeks ago we were in Jackson. I got my ass kicked and only finished in seventh place after the bull tossed me off with two seconds still on the clock. Our last stop was New York where I’ve just flown from, back to Dallas. Usually, I would travel with Nath and Ryan in the truck, but this weekend is a year since Krystal passed.
I used to visit her grave once a week, but once I got on the road it was too hard so I started coming back home every two weeks. But I haven't been back here to visit since between Springfield and Nashville, two months ago. Every week that's gone by, I feel worse and worse that I haven't been back. The guilt has been eating away at me for the past two weeks.
Once I’m off the plane and in the terminal, I find dad waiting for me. “How you goin’, son?”
“As good as expected,” I mumble. I may have had way too much to drink last night while celebrating. It was the final round before the championships. I’m sitting third in the world rankings and I celebrated hard. It’s been a long four months.
“Where’s Ma?” I ask as we walk outside towards dad’s truck.
“At home cooking dinner. It’s the first time you’ve been home in over two months. She’s going to baby you.”
“The twins have been home to visit Y’all.”
“I know, but you know how she worries about you.”
Yeah, he doesn't have to remind me. After Krystal passed away mom babied me for a month. I couldn't leave the house without her worrying. She cooked like crazy and was nearly shoving food down my throat.
I toss my duffle bag into the tray of dad's truck and jump in the passenger seat. Once dad’s inside, he looks over to me. “You’ve got two hours until we get home. Try to not look like hell warmed up. Your ma worries about you enough.”
“Okay,” I answer before I lay the seat back and drop my Stetson over my face. “I just need sleep,” I mumble.
“I’ll wake you when we get to Madisonville.”
I drift off to sleep, listening to Jack Daniels by Eric Church.
*
“HEY MA,” I say as I walk up to mom, who is standing in the entrance way waiting for us to arrive.
She pulls me in for a tight hug and I drop my bag on the floor before wrapping my arms around her. “I’ve missed you, Bryson.” She steps back and holds onto my arms as she looks me over. “You’ve lost more weight,” she says with a frown.
“I’m fine mom,” I say as I step away and bend to grab my bag.
“You don't look it.”
“I’ve been training heaps. You don't beat a bull by sitting around and eating junk food all day.
“I worry about you.”
“I know Ma and I love you for it. But honestly, I’m fine.”
“And I’m supposed to believe you? You’ve got rings under your eyes and look like you haven't slept for days. You’d be lucky to weigh 160 pounds.”
“I weigh 155 pounds. I’ve only lost fifteen pounds in the past six months and I still have more to lose. It's just because I’ve upped my training. I now have four days rest before I have to train like crazy for the champion title.”
“Hmmm,” she hums as she looks me up and down.
“Let him be, dear,” dad says as he comes up behind her and places his hand in hers and links their fingers. “I’ve been checking in with the twins and they said he’s been doing okay.”
“Really Ma, I’m fine. We’re all fine. I’m happy to be back visiting but I do have somewhere I need to go,” I say quietly.
“About that,” she says as she turns and walks to the kitchen. She comes back a minute later with an envelope. “I have this for you.”
I recognize the pale pink envelope as soon as she holds it out. I don't know if I can handle another one of these. The first time I read the first letter, it felt like a Mack truck had slammed into my chest.
“How many do you have?” I whisper. I thought the one from the funeral was the only one.
“For me to know and you to find out. You will get them when the time is right. The letters have their purpose, trust me darlin’,” she says. I trust her, it's just that I'm scared to read what’s in the letters. I take the letter from mom and she gives me a quick hug. “Take your time, I’ll be here when you get back.”
I walk through the house to my room and dump my bag on my bed before heading out to mom’s garden to pick some flowers. Krystal’s favorite flower was gerbera’s. I pick a bunch of them then head to my spare truck in the car garage.
Half an hour later I’m driving into town, towards the cemetery. Getting out of my truck I slowly walk through the cemetery, heading towards Krystal’s headstone. My legs feel like they’re made of lead, every time I take a step towards where she lies.
I’ve walked this path many times in the past twelve months. It hurts just as much today, as it did twelve months ago. I may not have loved Krystal romantically, but I still loved her as a friend. She had become a part of our family just like Jace, Ethan, Kaylee, and Makayla. Losing Krystal has left a gaping hole.
People say it gets easier as time goes on, but it doesn't. My heart still cracks as I walk the same path that I’ve walked too many times to count. It hurts knowing such a beautiful, sweet girl was taken away from this world too early in life. Twenty-six is too young.
I place the pink, white and yellow Gerbera’s in the vase at Krystal's headstone then sit down on the seat across from her grave.
Krystal loved the old wooden love seat. She spent her days sitting on the back veranda, on this seat, wrapped in a blanket to shield her from the cold. It didn't matter how cold it got, or how sick Krystal got, she always spent as much time as she could outside. She said she didn't want to spend her days wasting away inside.
A month after Krystal’s body gave into the toxic cancer that spread through her, dad helped me to move the seat here. I had a gold plaque made up with RIP Krystal Cole e
ngraved on it and it now sits proudly on the back part of the seat.
I lean forward, resting my elbows on my thighs and drop my head down as I close my eyes and remember Krystal.
A week before she passed, she was having a better day - ma now says it was the calm before the storm – and I took her for an outing. It was the last day she left the house.
That morning, after Krystal was dressed and ready for the day, she asked to go for a drive into town. Dad and ma’s ranch is halfway between Madisonville and Midway. Midway is a tiny town with a population of around 300 and Madisonville’s population is around five thousand. It’s only a five-minute drive from the main road into Madisonville.
After we went to the coffee shop and grabbed some pie and coffee, I wheeled Krystal in her wheelchair down to a small manmade lake, on the east side of the town.
On one side of the lake is a memorial statue for some long-lost relative of the current mayor, who founded the town. And in the garden at the foot of the statue are gerberas. Krystal has always loved ma’s gerbera’s in her back garden. She loved helping ma do the gardening until it got too much for her.
I helped Krystal from her chair, after lying down a picnic rug and we sat next to the garden. She slowly ate her pie as we talked. By then it was a miracle if she ate anything at all. That was when I took the photo of Krystal that I carry around. It was the last day I saw Krystal smile and the last time she even attempted to laugh.
I remember every moment of our day together. I wouldn't even need the photo to be able to tell you what color top she was wearing or if she wore makeup or not.
I jump when someone sits next to me. “Hey,” Callie’s soft voice reaches my ears. “Sorry didn't mean to startle you.”
“It’s fine,” I murmur as I look to my left, where Callie is sitting. “Where’s Ella today?”
Usually, Jace and Callie’s daughter doesn't leave Callie's eyesight.
“She’s with Jane. Jane’s come to spend the week with us.” She pauses, and I look down to see her playing with a pink envelope in her hand. I know what’s in that envelope. “How are you?” she asks quietly.