Dare to Love

by C. J. Welles

  “Do you think it was easy for me to walk away?” she cries out. “I loved you and it hurt every goddamn day that I wasn't with you.”

  I take two long steps until I’m right in front of her. “Guess what, baby,” I say in a cold tone. “I hope it hurt like a bitch.”

  I don't wait for her to reply. I stride past her; in the direction of my house. I know I won't have to walk long, Ethan will be here soon.

  ***

  Chapter Seven

  Casey

  Five Years Ago

  TEARS STREAM DOWN my face as I walk out of Bobby’s bedroom. I know that as soon as I open that door and walk out, my engagement will be over.

  I rest my forehead against the door and suck in a deep lung full of air as I compose myself. No matter what is said, I need to stick with my decision.

  I love Bryson with all my heart, but I don’t deserve him. After everything I’ve done to him, I don’t deserve to have his love.

  With shaky hands, I take a step back and open the door. I know the moment that he sees me because I hear the wild growl in the back of his throat.

  I look at his face and he’s shaking his head. “Don’t,” he growls as he takes a step back.

  I hold back my tears as I straighten my back and lie through my teeth. “I told you I didn’t love you anymore,” I choke out.

  It hurts.

  It hurts so fucking much, to say those words to him but they need to be said.

  I can see the anger show on his face when he realizes I have betrayed him. His soft eyes turn to steel and his jaw grinds back and forth. “After everything that we’ve been through, you just throw it all away. Wasn’t my dick enough for you these days?”

  A tear slowly rolls down my cheek and pauses on my chin before falling onto my exposed cleavage.

  “How long?” he grinds out.

  “Does it matter?” I whisper.

  “Yes, it fucking does. I want to know how long my fiancé has been warming the bed of another man. The bed of my so-called fucking friend.”

  “It’s not his fault,” I yell as Bryson goes to storm into Bobby’s room. “He wouldn’t even remember it.”

  Bryson gets up in my face. “You’re nothing but a selfish slut. I gave you everything and this is what you do?”

  I hold back a sob and the anger I’m feeling towards myself, I turn onto Bryson. “I couldn’t give you everything back,” I scream. “You just couldn’t see it.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” he spits out. “You’ve finally got what you wanted.”

  My heart pounds in my chest as I watch Bryson walk from Bobby’s house with his shoulders slumped. As soon as I hear the front door slam, I collapse against the wall and bury my head in my hands.

  I want to run after him.

  I want to tell him it was all a misunderstanding.

  But I don’t.

  You are doing this for him. I remind myself. No matter how much I tell myself that, it still hurts.

  *

  Present Day

  “DO YOU WANT to talk about last night?” Brett asks as we’re eating breakfast. Well, as Brett sits there and eats and I push my food around my plate.

  “Not particularly,” I mumble.

  “I gather he’s an ex. He’s a really pissed off ex.”

  Brett came and found me ten minutes after Bryson stormed off. Lucky, we drove his car there last night, so he picked me up. By the time we reached Bryson walking along the road, Ethan was behind us. Thankfully we could keep driving and I can go back to pretending Bryson Miller doesn't exist.

  “He has every right to be,” I mumble. “I really don't want to talk about this,” I say as I stand up and put my dishes in the sink.

  “Okay, sorry,” Brett replies.

  “Is there anything else you want to do before you head off?” I ask. He’s leaving just after lunch and so far, we haven't had the best weekend. Brett being in my hometown, at my parent’s house, has just made things more strained between us.

  “No. How about you just take me somewhere you used to enjoy.”

  “Alright.” I think about it for a minute. “Ever rode a horse before?” he shakes his head. “Hmmm, okay, we’ll go for a drive.”

  I send a message to Kaylee asking if it's okay if I go for a drive to the dam that sits on the back corner of their property. After a few minutes, she replies saying yes.

  I take the five-minute drive from my parent’s house to the Lewis’ property, then take the road that veers off to the right that heads along the eastern fence line. Ten minutes later, we’re pulling up alongside the dam.

  “This is where I spent a lot of my weekends with my friends. There are three families who own these ranches” I point to the land where the Thompson ranch is, then to the Millers and to the Lewis’. “and all the land around here. The Thompson’s, Millers and Lewis’.” When the trio; Bryson, Jace, and Ethan were in high school, they started the field parties. They were always here nearly every weekend for about six years.

  “You came here often?” Brett asks as he leans against the hood of my car.

  “Yeah, whenever I wasn't busy. Kaylee, who you met last night, and I were close friends up until I left. Her brother Ethan was one of the people who originally came up with the field parties here.”

  “And Bryson?” I nod. “How long were you two dating?”

  I shrug and flick my gaze down to my hands as I pretend to be interested in something on my phone. “A little while… Four years,” I mumble

  “Four years?” he asks with a cough. “That isn’t a little while.”

  “I know,” I say as I push away from my car and walk to the dam. “Four years is a long time. A lot of stuff happened between us but I don’t want to go into it.”

  “You still love him,” he states. There’s no hint of a question in his voice.

  I shrug my shoulders as I sigh heavily. “I’ve tried not to,” I whisper. “For five years I’ve been telling myself that I don’t love him.”

  “I never had a chance, did I?”

  I shake my head, “No, sorry.”

  He sighs loudly as he walks up next to me. “It hurts, but I’ll survive. I kept telling myself that I had a chance with you. But I think I knew deep down that nothing would happen between us. But then that night, I thought things would change, until the next morning.”

  “I’m sorry about that as well. I seem to be fucking everything up.”

  “Don’t stress. I might need some time, but everything will be fine.”

  I give him a small smile as I nod. “Wanna go for a swim?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.

  “In there?” he asks in disbelief.

  “Yeah. We always used to.”

  He looks uncertain for a minute but eventually nods.

  “Race you in,” I say as I strip off my jacket and sunglasses. I run and jump in the dam, with a squeal. I come up a minute later and brush my hair off my face, just in time to see Brett Jumping in.

  “Fricken hell, its cold,” he shouts as he emerges on the surface.

  “It’s the middle of autumn, imagine how it was in winter,” I say as I lay back and float on my back.

  “Think I’ll pass,” he says with a laugh.

  I love Kansas City, but I miss being in the middle of the country with no one else around. It’s freeing, being able to look around and all you see for miles is grass, trees and blue sky.

  For the first time in a long time, I miss home.

  ***

  Chapter Eight

  Casey

  I KICK OFF my boots at the front door before I walk into my parents’ house. I can hear my youngest sister and mom in the kitchen. When I walk through the door, I can see they’ve been baking.

  “Hey,” mom says when she looks up and sees me walking in.

  “Cas, you’re here,” Lexi squeals as she jumps down from her chair and wraps her arms around my legs. “I thought you had left.”

  “No, Sweetie, I’m here for a lit
tle while longer.”

  Alexia is seven years old. It was a huge shock when mom found out she was pregnant. I had just turned twenty and my other sister, Jolene, was eighteen. Mom wasn’t wanting to have any more children. My dad was happy. He had been saying for years that he wanted another child. I do think he was hoping for a boy, but he was honestly happy with another daughter.

  Lexi was only two years old when I moved away from home. When I need to leave, after coming to visit, she gets upset. Jolene still lives at home and only goes away when she needs to travel for work, so Lexi gets to see more of her.

  “Yay. You can cook with us then. We’re making lemon pie.”

  “Sounds fun. Just let me wash my hands.” I untangle myself from Lexi and wash my hands in the kitchen sink while she climbs back onto her chair. “What’s left to do?” I ask mom as I stand next to Lexi.

  “We’ve finished the pie,” she says and Lexi’s face drops. “But we can make some cookies,” she adds and Lexi’s face splits in two from her huge smile.

  “What’s the special occasion?” I ask mom as I nod towards the lemon pie.

  We were never poor, but we weren’t rich either when us two older girls were growing up. Having sweets was a luxury some weeks. Now that mom and dad are more financially stable, mom still likes to live on a budget and saves. She always says that you never know what’s going to happen in the future and whether you’ll need those savings or not.

  “Caroline asked us to dinner tonight. She heard you were back in town.”

  The blood rushes from my head and I feel faint. I can’t be in that house. I can’t see David or Caroline again. And Bryson, we wouldn’t be able to sit at the same table together through a whole meal.

  “I had other plans,” I say quietly. “I won’t be able to go.” I look down at my watch. “I just remembered, I was meant to be meeting an old friend.” I grab my keys from the table and take long strides towards the front door.

  “Casey,” mom calls out but I ignore her. It’s only when Lexi comes running up behind me, that I stop.

  “Are you coming back?” she asks while pouting.

  “Yeah sweetie, I’ll be back later and we can watch a movie together. I’ll pick up some popcorn on my way home,” I say before I slip out of the front door. I don’t stop to put my boots on, I just grab them on my way to my car.

  *

  Bryson

  “HEY MOM,” I say as I walk into dad’s office. I couldn’t find her in the kitchen or out in the garden, so dads office is the next best guess.

  “Hey darlin’,” she answers as she pushes away from the computer desk. “I heard you saw Casey last night.”

  “Oh yeah,” I mumble as I sit in the chair in the corner of the room. “And how did you hear that?” If it was Ethan or Kaylee who told her, I’m going to rip ‘em both a new asshole. I’m sick of them getting in my business. Sick of everyone doing it. Mom’s just lucky I love her and cut her some slack.

  “Ol’ man Roger,” she answers with a stern look on her face. I just huff as I avert my eyes from her and glance around the room. “He said you two go into a disagreement.”

  “Yeah, well he needs to mind his own fucking business.”

  “Bryson David Miller, don’t you talk like that in my house.”

  “Sorry, mum, but he does. It’s no one’s business what I do.”

  She just rolls her eyes. “I know that what happened to you and Casey hurt you. I can see that it still affects you, but you need to give her some slack. Casey couldn’t help what happened.” She looks back to the computer as she grabs her cell phone. “I’d already invited Lara, Robert and the girls for dinner before I saw Roger in town.”

  “That’s absolutely great, but I won’t be here.”

  “You will be.”

  I stand up and walk to the door then look over my shoulder at mom. “I’m starting training.” I arch an eyebrow at her, daring her to argue with me.

  “I didn’t think you were starting until tomorrow.”

  “Changed my mind,” I call out as I walk out of the back door.

  No fucking way am I staying in this house with Casey. My family doesn’t even know half of what happened between us. If mom knew, she wouldn’t keep Casey on a fucking pedestal like she has for the past nine years, since Casey and I first started dating.

  *

  I SPEND THE rest of the afternoon at a friend’s house training. I have everything I need at the ranch, but that’s the last place I want to be. Tony and I used to train together until he retired from bull riding two years ago. He got a nasty concussion when he got tossed off a bull. The doctors told him if he had another hit to the head, it would be the last thing he did. He’s got a wife and twin sons who are only five and he didn’t want to risk getting injured again.

  I pull into the car park at Joe’s and straight away, my eyes land on the silver Ford Focus parked near the door. I should be putting my truck in reverse and getting the hell out of here, but I’ve never done anything the easy way. I’m also a sucker for punishment.

  She’s not even meant to be here. She’s meant to be at the ranch for dinner, which is why I am here.

  I park a few spots along from her car and hop out of my truck, leaving the keys in the ignition. No one around here is stupid enough to steal a car, let alone a well-known local’s truck.

  Walking into the bar, I spot Casey sitting at one of the high-top tables with a drink in her hand. She has her head down and she looks broken. A feeling that I don’t want to acknowledge, hits me in the chest.

  Joe hands me a shot of Jack as soon as I reach the bar. “It’s on the house,” he says. He nods in the direction of Casey. “No startin’ any shit tonight.” With that, he walks to the other end of the bar to serve someone else.

  If I wasn't a pig-headed person and if I could get over my hurt, I’d go over to Casey to see if she’s okay. But I’m stubborn and I’m an asshole. Instead, I sit at the bar and down drink after drink.

  Carol is working tonight and she’s wanted me for as long as I can remember. She doesn't cut me off once I’ve had too much to drink, so the drinks keep flowing.

  ***

  Chapter Nine

  Casey

  AS SOON AS he walks in, I see him in my peripheral vision. As much as I dislike him, and he brings back painful memories, I must admit he looks just as hot tonight as he did when I saw him in Kansas City.

  I try to not watch him sitting at the bar while I slowly drink my drink. I’ve been here since I left mom and Lexi. I started off drinking fast but after five hours, I’ve slowed down. I take a sip of my Sangria then look back down at the table. If I don't keep my eyes down, I know I won't be able to pull them away from Bryson.

  How is it that I am still attracted to the one person who I broke? I still love the person who I pushed away after I had broken myself and ruined our lives. I should hate him as much as I hate myself. I should hate him for standing by me while I was breaking, but I can’t.

  I thought I was doing the right thing when I pushed him away, but sitting here, while I try to not watch him, I know I did the wrong thing. I pushed my self-hate onto Bryson when I should have let him help me.

  I wipe away a tear as I stand up and walk towards the jukebox. I flick through pages of songs until I come across one that I love. Neon Moon by Brooks & Dunn begins to play, and another tear slides down my cheek.

  I used to listen to this song on repeat after I left Bryson. I had moved from here to Kansas City and knew no one. When I wasn't at work, I was at home hating myself and my body. The only thing I had was music to get me through the lonely and quiet nights. I had pushed away all my friends at that stage and no one knew the full story of what happened with Bryson and me.

  I had no one to talk to so music became my best friend.

  The next song I choose, I know what I’m doing as soon as I enter the digits for it. I slowly make my way back to my table, as I continue to let the tears stain my cheeks. I don't look in Bryson’s d
irection. I don't want to acknowledge that I know he’s here. As soon as he hears the next song, he’ll know what I’m doing.

  The cheers at the beginning of I Love This Bar by Toby Keith fill the silence in the bar. I feel his eyes on me within seconds of it starting. I’m playing with fire, I know. He’s most likely going to come over here and make a scene. Or maybe he won't. Maybe he knows I want the attention from him and so I played that song.

  I finish my sangria and make my way to the bar, making sure I don't get too close to where Bryson is sitting. A tiny girl with blond hair walks up to Bryson just as I get my drink.

  “Hey Bry,” she says as she lays a hand on his shoulder.

  Jealousy thrums through me when I see the soft look in his eyes as he looks at her. He cares for this girl. I quickly grab my drink and spin away to walk to my table, but as I do, I see his eyes harden as he looks at me. This was a huge mistake. I shouldn't be here; in this bar, this close to Bryson or in this town. I should be back in Kansas City where I had made a new life for myself.

  Instead of going back to my table, I head outside and sit at a table. There are two other guys out here having a smoke while they talk.

  I think back to when I first felt that I liked Bryson more than just friends. I had known him since I was nine and mom started cleaning the Millers house as well as the Lewis’. But it wasn’t until I was nineteen, that everything changed for me. I had been helping mom at the Millers house. She asked me to put some sheets into the room that Bryson used as his den. When I walked in there, Bryson was topless and leaning over to take his shot at the pool table. I had always thought he was good looking and I’d seen him with no shirt on numerous times. Hell, I’d seen him in just his trunks when we’d been swimming down at the dam.

  After he took his shot, he stood up straight and saw me. He gave me a panty-melting smile and asked if I wanted to join him. I spent the next three hours with him teaching me to play pool then we watched The Lucky One. He sat and watched the whole movie without complaining.