by Lux Carmine
"Send her back for her monologue, Jason!"
Mike's voice cut through our kiss and he pulled away, no longer lost in the special moment we'd just shared. He stared at me, as if I'd betrayed him.
"Jason," I said, I hated how needy and desperate my voice was.
"I'm sorry," he said, his eyes still staring at my lips. "I shouldn't have done that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm leaving. I'm not a part of this group anymore."
I frowned. "How can you say that? You live with them, you share foster parents. You're all in drama together."
"I'm not ready to do this, Ruby. I'm not ready to trust someone else." His hands loosened on my hips and I released my legs and put them firmly on the ground.
I couldn't help the tears that were pricking at my eyes. I nodded and unfurled my fingers from his hair, I smoothed down his shirt on his shoulders and stared at his chest. "Yeah. That makes sense..." It didn’t make sense, but I couldn’t make sense. What was he saying? Why? What could I say to change his mind? It seemed like he’d already made it up, he didn’t want this…
"This is why I have to go, Ruby. I don't fit anymore."
And I'd helped him figure that out. It was my fault that he had decided to run away. If I hadn't lost my mom and grandmother and moved in with Melissa then they wouldn't have ever met me. They would still be the Lone Wolves and happy.
He studied my face for a long moment. I thought he might kiss me again, which was confusing. Who was he battling? Me or himself? He scoffed, shook his head and walked away. Jogged away. It was heartbreaking.
I heard them talking, questioning Jason about where he was going. Jason said nothing. They called his name. The side door opened and then slammed shut.
I tried to catch my breath, the slamming of the door seemed to have stolen it from me. Swimming in my mind was Jason, the pain I was causing him, the fact that he didn't want me, just like my dad. The spiral continued and I was gasping, trying to calm down but it was worse. I was choking. I went back on stage, hot tears spilling down my cheeks. I needed air. My feet were at the edge of the stage, one swift jump down and I would be able to make it to the exit.
I was almost...
13
The feeling of water on my cheek woke me up. My eyes darted open and I was staring up at Kevin, Steven, Mike and Billy, concerned etched in their foreheads.
"What happened?" I asked.
"You were gasping and then you fell off the stage."
"I fell off the..." I felt the tightness in my chest start to strengthen again but Steven's soothing voice and warm hand on my forehead brought me out of my thoughts.
"No. Billy caught you." He glanced at the other guys and dropped one side of his lips. "Maybe we should give her some breathing room." He waited but no one moved. "Come on, guys. Someone needs to go home and deal with Jason."
"No, wait..." I sat up, wincing when it felt like someone slammed me in the head with a hammer. "Jason..."
"Yeah?"
"I know how to fix it," I said. My heart was thumping so loudly in my chest. This was going to be awful for all of us, probably, but it would be for the best.
"Are you alright?" Steven asked.
I gently pushed his hand aside. "I'm fine."
"So how do we fix it? Punch him in the face until he agrees he's being an idiot?" Kevin suggested.
"No." I braced myself. "We're not going to do this anymore. I can't be a part of this thing you guys have. He's not ready for a relationship. And you guys are and it's driving a wedge between you all. I can't have that. You guys belong together."
"And you belong with us," Mike said, a frown on his lips.
I shook my head sadly. "No, not yet. Not unless all of you are in." I reached up and ran my thumb across Steven's dark stubbly cheek. "I should go." When I started to get up they all lent a hand and helped me to my feet.
"Ruby, I think you're making a big mistake." Steven said. His expression was so serious.
"I think you guys would have if we would've continued on without Jason. He has to come first right now. I'll be okay..."
They all looked pissed when I glanced back. I left them standing there high and dry. They might forgive me when Jason came back into the fold. They needed him much more than they needed me. At least that's what I kept telling myself as I left. Because if they needed Jason more than I needed them then it was okay to walk away from them. And the pain in my heart was totally worth it.
There was a knock on my door that night. I'd come home and went immediately to my room. No one even noticed until it was time for dinner and they noticed that I wasn't home. Melissa had texted and I'd responded that I was in my room and not feeling well.
"Ruby?" It was Melissa.
"Come in," I said. I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath as I laid on my bed, my hands interlaced over my stomach.
I heard Melissa's bare feet padding on the wooden floor as she came over to my bed. It dipped when she sat down on it. "Hey, are you alright? You seem a little out of it."
I didn't move for the longest time. Was I okay? No. The answer was no. I was without my four boyfriends. I was alone again. The absence of all four of them was crushing. I shook my head as a tear started to fall.
"Oh, Ruby..." The bed creaked as Melissa crawled up to my side. She wrapped her arm around me and it only made me cry harder. "Tell me what's wrong..."
"I can't... I can't explain it. You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"I had a crush on someone, but they didn't want to be with me. They've been hurt so badly in the past that they're not ready yet."
"Steven Wilson? Did he break up with you at drama?"
Who was I kidding? She wasn't going to understand. Everyone thought I was with Steven because I wanted them to think I was with Steven. I had kissed Steven openly at school, but not Billy or Kevin or Mike. And certainly not Jason. "No," I said, my voice glue thick with tears, "I broke up with Steven."
"O...kay. Then why are you crying?"
"Because I didn't want to break up with him but I had to. Because if we stayed in a relationship it would only hurt."
"Maybe it will work out."
"Maybe."
Eventually Melissa laid down beside me and turned on my TV. She distracted me with Gossip Girl and filled me in with the latest details of her relationship, which despite its rocky start, seemed to be going well.
I was happy for her. At least someone was finding happiness, even if it wasn't me.
"How did the audition go? Did the Bad Girl Sandy do the trick?"
"I don't know, but even if they say I get the role, I don't think I'm going to take it."
"Why not? You would get to kiss Jason Reynolds, right?"
I wanted to scream and say 'I did kiss Jason Reynolds! I kissed him and he pushed me away.' But I didn't. "I think they took out the the kisses for the high school play. So whoever does play Sandy still won't get to lock lips with Jason Reynolds. Not for the play anyway."
"So that's it? All the hard work and auditioning with the rest of the Lone Wolves and you're just going to let it go? I don't think Grandma would approve."
I stared at her as the blue light from the TV flickered on her face. "Really? What do you think Grandma would say if she were here?"
Melissa turned her head and looked at me. "I think she would say that you've made friends with some nice boys and you should not give that up just because one of them breaks your heart. In fact, I think she would tell you to do the play to make that boy sorry for the way that he treated you. She would tell you that you could be anything that you want to be and that the only person who can ever hold you back is you."
I stared at Melissa, gobsmacked. It was exactly what Grandma would have said. I pulled Melissa in for a hug and sobbed a little against her shoulder. "You're right. You're absolutely right. It felt good being Bad Girl Sandy and I'm not going to give that up if I passed the audition."
Melissa pat my back an
d part of me felt pieced back together. I'd been missing my grandma, but Melissa had parts of her too from our shared summers. I needed to bring Melissa closer, let her in a little more. She was family. The kind of family who wouldn't run away and get a new one. She was the kind who stuck around.
"Hey Ruby." I glanced up from my locker and smiled as Billy approached.
"Hey."
He grabbed onto my locker door and swung it wide so he could see me as he leaned. Hopefully my locker mate didn't want to use it this morning. "I know you're probably wondering why I came by..."
I was. I had basically told them all off yesterday. Maybe he was going to beg on behalf of the group? I wasn't sure I wanted to have that discussion in the middle of the hallway. I shifted uncomfortably. "If it's about yesterday then..."
"It is. You got the part." He swung my locker door as he stared at me. "Do you want it? If not I have another locker to visit."
Once again I thought of the conversation I'd had with Melissa last night. I nodded. "I do want the part. Thanks. Rehearsal is tomorrow, right?" I grabbed the rest of my books and closed my locker, preventing Billy from fidgeting with it.
"Uh..." He looked surprised by my answer. "Yeah."
I paused for a second and really studied him. He looked like he hadn't slept well. "How is everyone?"
"Uh, you know. We all got dumped yesterday. We didn't exactly celebrate."
I looked down at my feet and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm sorry about that."
"You can make it up to us," he said. When I glanced up he was grinning. "Come by our place tonight after school. We have a surprise for you."
"A surprise?"
He nodded. "Yep. It's a good one, I promise. See you then?"
I hesitated. Why would they be giving me a good surprise? I didn't deserve one. I'd just broken it off with them. Whatever it was they wanted to do or say I owed it to them to hear them out. "Sure."
He stood there a moment, I felt the awkwardness between us. I sensed he wanted to hug me or kiss my forehead but in the end he just tapped his balled fist against his thigh before retreating down the hallway.
In Bio I sat with Jason and it felt as strained as usual. Of course we didn't have much opportunity to say anything because it was a lecture day and Mr. Richards was teaching the whole time.
When the bell rang Jason slowly gathered his books. "Hey Ruby," he said. I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest at the sound of my name on his lips. I paused in packing my own books and looked at him. "See you later."
I stared at him, probably looking very much the part of the drooling infatuated teenager. I nodded. He grabbed his books quickly and darted out the door when Steven called for him to hurry up from the doorway.
I didn't want to seem over-eager so I decided that waiting a couple hours after school let out would be a perfect amount of time to delay going over to their house. I finished my homework assignments within the first twenty minutes. And then I started reorganizing the clothes in my drawers, folding them and aligning them perfectly in their small rectangular spaces. Anxiety plagued me as the minutes and hours ticked by while I waited until it was time to go.
There was a knock on my door and I jumped out of bed to answer it. Melissa smiled as me as I swung it open. "Hey."
"Hey," I said, a nervous smile on my lips. I could feel my heart racing, it was pounding, trying to make the time go by faster so that I could go over there and see my guys. It had only been a day and already I was missing them like crazy.
"Did you want to watch something? I know you're kind of missing out on hanging out with the Lone Wolves."
"Oh, actually..."
Melissa's eyes widened. "Really? Are you serious? You stormed out of there like yesterday!"
"They said they had a surprise for me. I'm just going to go over there and check it out, I'm sure it's not a big thing."
"What? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
I wasn’t sure. Of course I wasn’t. But what choice did I have? I wasn’t going to sit here knowing that they wanted to see me. It had been torture not seeing them all day. I knew what I’d done was for the best, but I was kind of a glutton for punishment.
I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders, I felt the prickle of tears in my eyes. “No, but I’m going anyway. Can you just pretend I’m making a good decision?”
Melissa gave me a hug and I hugged her back. "If they do something mean and awful I'm going to kick all their asses."
I laughed as I pulled away. "I'm sure it's nothing like that."
"When are you leaving?"
I pulled my phone from my pocket and glanced at the time. "Now." I couldn't hide the smile that hijacked the muscles of my face.
"Let me know all the juice when you get home."
I swallowed hard and rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans as I climbed the stairs of their porch. This was it. I reached up and rang the doorbell. It took a moment before I heard footsteps running down the stairs. The door opened in a rush and Steven was standing there, staring down at me. My heart was pounding, my fingers itched to touch his scruffy face. He looked every bit as desperate as I felt. Somehow though he managed to control himself.
"Hey, come in." He stepped back and swung the door open so I could come in. As I stepped in past him I inhaled deeply, his super yummy man scent was hanging between us in the air. "Gary and Beth aren't home, but they will be soon. We wanted to chat upstairs, is that okay?"
I nodded and waited for him to shut the door. I took a step onto the first step and then turned around. He was right behind me, but now that I had a leg up we were eye to eye. One of his hands was on the banister, the other flat against the wall. "I'm sorry, Steven, for the way that it all went down yesterday. I shouldn't have..."
He smiled and shook his head, cutting me off, "Ruby, don't. Just go upstairs. If you don't like our surprise then you can apologize tomorrow."
I searched his face for any semblance of discontent or resentment and I saw none. Only hope. I nodded and then went upstairs, Steven in tow behind me.
He took me to Jason's room, and sitting there where the guys, all the guys, including Jason. Steven pulled the rolling desk chair from Jason's desk and motioned to it. I sat down in it and wiped my hands once again on my jeans. I wasn't sure what was going on but it seemed really serious.
"Hey," I said. There was no way they wouldn't have noticed my anxiety.
"Let's just get on with it, guys, you're making her hella nervous and we don't want her passing out again," Mike said, breaking the frigid tension in the room.
"We're all in," Kevin said.
All five guys eyes were on me and I glanced at Jason. "All in... With dating?" When they all nodded I continued to stare at Jason. "Even you? What about what you said yesterday?"
He glanced around and then folded one arm across his stomach. "I didn't mean what I said yesterday. After we kissed I just freaked out. I am ready to trust you, Ruby. I'm ready for that next step. I know you wouldn't ever do anything on purpose to hurt me or any of us."
I looked around at the rest of them. They were biting their lips and leaning forward, as if I held the key to the universe and was about to share it with them.
On his knees Jason went. He crawled until he was at my feet and then he took my hands in his and stared up into my eyes. "Can you forgive me for being insensitive and scared? Will you date us? All of us?"
I blinked back the tears that were filling my eyes. Jason's hands squeezed mine and he nodded his reassurance. "Yes," I said softly.
"What?" Billy said, loudly.
I laughed. "Yes!" I threw my arms around Jason and we fell backwards. With me on top I kissed him, not once but twice as his arms held me tight.
14
After brief kisses with all of them, Kevin said we needed to sit down and figure out how our relationship was going to work.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "What was wrong with it before?"
"Ruby, you've been the subject of many not so nice
video posts online. We want to make sure things don't get worse for you. So I propose that you choose one of us to be your public boyfriend."
I glanced between them. This was impossible. How was I going to choose which one of them I'd show affection to on a public basis? I shook my head. "I can't."
"Well, we thought you might say that. We already talked it over between us and we decided that Jason should be the one to have the public relationship with you. He's in your Biology class and you'll be spending lots of time confessing your love for each other in Grease. So it just makes sense."
"But what about the rest of you?"
"We'll have our own time with you in private."
"And you're all fine with that?" I asked, a little surprised at the news. "You can just pretend to be friendly with me at school and then...?"
"And kiss you behind closed doors."
"It'll be like we're secret FBI agents. Undercover," Billy piped in.
I laughed and shook my head. "By why? Why would you want to do that?"
"Because you mean a lot to us, Ruby, and the dynamics here are tricky. We want to make this work and if this is the best way then, we'll do it."
"I mean, if you guys think that will work and you're all fine with it..."
They nodded and I shrugged my shoulders. "Okay! Let's give it a go. What have we got to lose?"
The guys and I had been "dating" already for a few weeks. Things had been going okay. Jason and I had no trouble putting on a public face of being girlfriend and boyfriend. We all sat together at lunch, Jason always had one hand on me, either my leg or my back. The sexual tension between me and the other four was crazy hot.
Steven and I got into the habit of writing dirty texts during the day. The things that came from that man's mind, his imagination where I was concerned, was very exciting. I was eager for the day when I decided to move beyond kissing with them.