by Ryan Michele
Crow was here. At my place. And since I didn’t see him around anywhere, he must have already been inside. Fuck, I needed to up my alarm system and get better locks.
I should turn around and leave. That was what I told myself I’d do if this situation happened. Now that it was staring me in the face and the man was in my space, entering and confronting him was my only option. Backing down wasn’t me, and I wouldn’t change for any man. Ever.
He’d never once strayed from my thoughts. Even working my cases, he was there in the back of my mind taunting me. Making me feel when I didn’t want to. It wouldn’t shut off, no matter what I did. There were times I’d feel his fingertips glide over my skin and goose bumps would rise to the surface, only to turn and it was a mirage.
Then there were the times I would see him kissing Sophia, and the hurt came back full force and the ache in my chest became too much. Closing it off was difficult. Tapping it down and not letting it surface was possible by keeping busy.
Now though, he was waiting for me on the other side of the door.
Turning the handle of the door, it was unlocked as I expected. As I pushed through, Crow was the first thing I saw, sprawled out on the couch, ankles crossed and stretched out in front of him, hands behind his head like he didn’t have a care in the world and was meant to be in my space.
It was hot. So damn hot it made my knees weak. Not seeing him for days but thinking of him, the real thing was better than my thoughts. Not only that, I’d seen the heart that beats in his chest, the man he was with his brothers, how he was with his little girl and with me. All of it rushed back and hit me in the gut so hard I had to try to not flinch from the pain of it all. Wanting it, but not being able to have it. Fuck him for being here.
“Well, didn’t know there was a party. Did you bring the chips?”
His lip tipped and my heart fluttered, but no chance in hell it would show. He had enough of me, there was no more to give him.
“Forgot. Came to get somethin’.”
I tossed my bag to the small table and sat down in the recliner with my coffee, taking a sip. “Sorry didn’t know you’d be here or I’d have gotten you one.” I held up the coffee.
He said nothing so I asked, “What did you forget?”
“You.”
Leaning my head back in the chair my eyes focused on the ceiling. God, I wanted that. Wanted him to come to me and tell me those exact things, grab me and make me whole once again. But it wasn’t true. I wasn’t the one in his heart. Just a fuck he could play around with.
“Know what Greer told you, and I thought you were smarter than that.”
That pissed me right the hell off. He sounded like my damn father. How dare he. How dare he say that shit to me when it was his actions that caused this entire thing in the first place. Fury boiled inside of me as I stared him in the eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry. You kissing Sophia at your house wasn’t bad enough while I was in said house, and we’d just gotten done having sex and you asked me to stay in Rebellion with you. No, that wasn’t enough; you had to go and do it again in the middle of the club for everyone to see. Not one of those men blinked at it telling me this wasn’t an unusual thing for you. All of it making me the idiot. The whore. Especially when I thought we had something. It was all a load of shit. You should just leave.”
“You’re not a fuckin’ whore. You know that shit,” he growled.
My head shook. “I am. Can you just leave?” This time I really believed I was. In the beginning, when it was going to be a one-night stand, I never thought of myself as a whore. This though, now—the way he treated me. I did.
“You saw both times?”
My eyes rolled as the dagger went deep in my heart. It physically hurt to breathe. He knew he did it. Knew that his lips were on hers. I needed this done with and he needed to leave, refusing to show him any emotion except for anger. That was the only one he got from me now. “It doesn’t matter. Life goes on. You need to go.” I took a drink of my coffee, the caffeine much needed, but wished it had some bourbon in it for an extra kick. Now was the time I needed the bottle.
“Life doesn’t fuckin’ go on. Life sucks without you in it.”
My world stopped and heart clutched. If only it were that simple. If only those words washed away all the pain inside. If it could only wipe all the memories of thinking Crow was mine, but never really was out it would be perfect. All of it. Life didn’t always give us those options though.
My voice was a bit softer than I wanted it to be, but there was no changing it. “I’ll never be second to anyone, Crow. Never. Been around a lot of shit, but one thing I always knew in my life was I’d never be the runner-up to any man. I’m not some consolation prize. The next best thing when a man didn’t get what he really wanted. A man should want me and only me. Not go off and kiss another woman. If not, if I’m not his number one, the guy isn’t worth it. I’m better than that.”
“You’re right.” I was, but I didn’t need to hear it from him. It only dug the knife deeper as he continued. “Sophia’s the mother of my kid. Loved her for many years. The kiss at the house was all her. She instigated it.”
Keeping my mouth shut was hard, but if he wanted the rope to hang himself, who was I to stop him. Sooner he did it, the faster he could get out of my house and my life.
“Should’ve stopped it. That’s on me. I don’t remember kissing her at the club. I was drunk; know that’s not a fuckin’ excuse, but it’s the truth.”
“Glad we got that ironed out. You can go now.” Lifting my cup to my lips, I took a healthy swallow feeling the burn of the heat all the way down and hitting my gut. Bourbon would not be a miss right about now.
“It sure as fuck isn’t ironed out, Rylynn. You think I would be here if it was?”
My head shook. “Don’t know. Trying to save face to my father or maybe yours. I don’t know. But I’m out of this game, Crow. We had good times. The fuckin’ best, but I’m not doing this.”
“Game, this shit is not a game, Pixie. What I feel for Sophia is not what I feel for you. Hers is a friendship that spans many years and has a child in the mix.” He wasn’t pleading, he was relaxed and calm. Part of me wanted him to get mad, get angry as hell and start yelling. Like I said before, anger I could work with.
“She loves you and wants to be with you, Crow. And from the looks of it, you want the same thing. Can’t blame you for that,” I cut in.
He sighed heavy at that giving me a crack in his cool, calm demeanor. “Yeah, know she does. We’ve talked. She knows it isn’t going to happen. That boat sailed years ago, but she’ll always be in my life. We have Greer together, and that’ll never change. Can I make you a promise my lips will never come in contact with hers? Yeah, I can because I don’t want her in my bed next to me every night. I don’t want her riding my cock. That’s for you and only you.”
A small chuckle left my lips. “This sounds like a horrible romance movie and in the end, I’m the bumbling idiot. Except I’m not. I know who I am. I know what I want. You don’t grow up in the Ravage MC and watch everyone around you find their ol’ men and ladies seeing how they came to be and not want that for yourself. I deserve that something special too. What I don’t want is to watch the man who held my heart in his hands kiss another woman in front of a room filled with his brothers, other charters, loads of women and my family, letting all of them know that I was nothing but a piece of ass.”
He started to talk, but I held my hand up.
“Crow, this isn’t my first rodeo with the club. You think your brothers don’t see me just as that, you’re in denial. I welcomed all your guests into your home and stood beside you through everything. They all saw me at your place, like I’d lived there for years welcoming them and chatting it up, offering them food and drinks. All the while, I could’ve been any one of the club mommas doing that. Hell, I could’ve been Kara and it wouldn’t have mattered. Because once you kissed Sophia in front of everyone, it crushed whatever we
started to build. That was the ultimate disrespect, and I’m not some bubbling airhead who lets you have a pass on that.”
He leaned forward scooting as close to me as possible without getting up. “You’re not a fuckin’ idiot, Rylynn. I fucked up, know that and comin’ here to own that. Never meant to disrespect you in any way. Fuck, it kills me I did that to you.”
I shrugged feeling anything but brushing it off, but trying with everything inside of me to keep my shit together and not crumble to the ground.
“You’re mine and only mine. No one else comes close to you, Rylynn. Swore I’d never do this shit. Fall for someone like this. But here I am puttin’ it out there. Want you on the back of my bike. Want you livin’ in my house. Want to build a family with you. Want you, Rylynn.”
Tears welled up in my eyes because I wanted that too. So damn much it killed what was left of me inside because I’d never have it with Crow.
Austyn told me once when she hooked up with Ryker that they fought like mad, but deep inside she knew he was going to be her future.
When I hooked up with Crow the second time, I’d thought here was my chance. My chance at feeling what Austyn did. A chance to have what she did with someone who cared. Then he kissed another then watched me ride away.
Stupid me, I was the one who got on the back of his bike and went to Rebellion with him thinking there was more there than it was.
It just wasn’t the right time for me. And he wasn't the right man.
“I’m not yours, Crow. Thought I would be, but I’m not. It’s just not in our cards.” I rose from my chair, went into the kitchen, and pulled out the bottle from the top shelf. Fuck it. Twisting the cap off, I removed the lid to my coffee and poured it in needing something stronger to drink.
His heat hit me, then his hands at my hips squeezed. His body forced the gun in the back of my jeans to press into my back. Pulling it out and putting a round in his thigh sounded really good about now. Maybe it would knock some sense into him.
“You are, Pixie. From the first time we were together, you were. Didn’t fuckin’ realize it until later, but it’s true.”
He spun me around, but I kept my eyes at his chest not wanting him to see the pain in mine. He just needed to get back on his bike and ride back to Rebellion. Be with his kids and whoever else he wanted to. That person just wasn’t me, and him being here was a pain all on its own.
“Pixie.”
My head shook. I didn’t want to hear that name anymore. Wanted it erased from his head for the rest of time. Once I loved it. Now, I loathed it because it hurt too bad.
His hand came to my chin and tried to lift it up, but I refused to let it move.
“Please look at me.”
My throat clogged and nose started to sting. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t. He didn’t get that part of me. The one few people ever got to see. That wasn’t his to have. As much as I wanted to let it all flow, it had to be stopped. He wasn’t mine.
His scent filled my nostrils, and for once I didn’t want to remember the smell. For once I didn’t want to suck it in so deep that I’d never forget him. Because it was already there and no matter the time that spanned in my life, it would never leave. Ever.
“Can you please just go?” I asked instead of looking up at him, needing him to leave so I could crumble to the floor.
“Please look at me.” This time there was a bit of pleading in his voice, but I didn’t respond to it. Couldn’t or I’d break.
“I need you to step back and leave, Crow. This is done, and you stayin’ in my space when I’ve asked you to go isn’t cool.” My hands balled into fists in front of me. Not that I’d hit him, but it was the only thing keeping me in the moment and away from letting everything inside of me come out. I heaved in deep breaths hoping like hell they would calm me and ease the tension building. They didn’t.
“Can’t leave without you, Pixie. Need you.”
That was all I could take. I was done. I’d always been a strong person, my mom and dad instilled that. But this was different. This was a trial of the heart. One that I’d just ran through with my grandpa, but even death had a difference in the pain.
This one was alive and beating, standing in front of me wanting more from me.
“You broke it, Crow. It can’t be fixed.”
“That’s not true,” he said immediately. That was when the tear slid down my cheek unable to hold it back anymore. He was going to get more of me, and here I thought I had nothing else to give. But he was going to get my pain because that was what he did to me. Sliced me open to bleed all over.
I gave it to him by lifting my face to his and connecting with his eyes, letting him see the devastation there. Then the words came spewing out. “You held my heart in your hands. Was scared shitless, but I believed in you. Believed in us. What we were building was something I wanted to explore, but that can’t happen now, Crow, and you need to be man enough to accept that and leave.”
“I’m man enough for a lot of shit, Pixie, but givin’ you up isn’t something either of us wants.” His fingers brushed the silent tears away from my eyes. It was a sweet gesture that only added to the agony of the situation.
“Please leave, Crow.”
“You’re mine, Pixie. Only mine.”
That was when I lost my shit. It didn’t happen often in my life, twice if I remembered correctly, but my father’s temper was engrained in me. I was able to keep it in check most of the time, using a smartass comment to lessen whatever was going on at the time. But there were times when the rage took over. When I wasn’t the person anyone thought I was. When the anger beat into me so hard anything was possible.
My face cleared as my eyes glared and hands went to his chest. “Get out of my fucking house,” I spoke low and meaningful.
His eyes flashed. “Not gonna happen unless you’re on the back of my bike.”
The laugh was menacing as my father’s, and my blood grew red hot. “Never. Get out.” That was when I moved fast, getting out from under him and pulling the gun from my jeans. “Mean it, Crow. Get out.”
“You’re gonna shoot me?”
I fired one at his feet letting him know I meant business. Fuck him. He didn’t even jump at it. Instead, he came at me like a bull. I wanted to pull the trigger. I wanted to end whatever this was. I wanted him to just stop.
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put a bullet in him.
He knocked the gun out of my hand. All of my moves not working on him. It seemed he knew them all before I even started. He had me subdued, and the red-hot anger melted away. It was one thing that I hated about it when it came to the fact that it went away too damn fast.
Tears fell from my eyes freely as Crow turned me around in his arms. “Know you’re hurtin’, Pixie. Know I caused your pain, and never in my life meant to do that shit. But I’m not givin’ up. You’re too important to me to ever give you up.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Because I’m an asshole who’s never had an ol’ lady before and didn’t think about my actions.”
My head fell into his chest as his arms went around me tight, holding me to him. He scooped me up, and we were moving. He sat on the couch putting me on his lap. I burrowed my head in his chest trying to pull my shit together but coming up short.
“Pixie, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” He rocked me back and forth. My tears were silent, and my body was still as I allowed myself to have a brief moment to pull my head out of my ass.
It felt so damn nice being in his arms again. I hated myself for even thinking it. As he rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head it only got better. Dammit.
After a long time of being like this, I was able to breathe again, but he didn’t stop holding me. “Need time, Crow.”
“Time’s too precious to waste,” he retorted.
He was right, but where my heart was concerned it had to be taken. Therefore, I said nothing.
He let out a long breath. “You’re mine, Rylynn
. Even if you’re not on the back of my bike or in my bed, you’re mine. Everyone is gonna know it. I can’t let you go. I won’t let you go. We’ll get past this.”
“How do I get past you loving another woman, Crow?”
“I don’t. Haven’t loved her that way in a long damn time. Fucked up, baby. Know it and own it.”
My heart continued to throb. “Do you realize how much I want to believe you? How much I want to just let it all go and forget it ever happened? I can’t. That trust that I was building with you was damaged in a way that I don’t think it can be rebuilt.”
“It can and it will.”
He sounded so sure of himself, and I didn’t know what to think. Everything was swirling around me jumbled up in my head. Love made people do stupid shit all the time. I just never thought it would be in my lap to find.
“Need time.” I made a move to get up from his lap, but he held me tight. “Please let me go, Crow. Need time, and you need to give it to me. Know it’s hard for you to do, but I’m asking you to give me time.”
His arms lessened just enough for me to get up.
“Need you to go so I can have that time, Crow.”
It was then I took a chance and saw it in his eyes, face, and demeanor. He was hurting. I hated that for him, I really did. But he needed to give me this. This situation was on him and if he didn’t give it to me, we’d be over in every way possible. “Please,” I said one more time as he got up from the couch to stand in front of me.
Grasping me and pulling me into him, he kissed me hard, wet, and deep as my knees went weak and tears flowed with purpose.
He pulled away then swiped the tears from my face. “I’ll be back,” he said, giving me one more kiss on the lips, then he was gone.
I fell to the couch, curled into a ball, and allowed everything inside of me to flow.
I was broken. Shattered. Devastated.
A mess.
He was both my pain and my peace.