“Meisiekind (baby girl), you know as well as what I do she never said I had to be wrapped in cotton wool and mothered to death. Between you, Crash and the brothers there’s no way anything is going to happen while you’re watching over me.” He loved teasing her.
An irritated snort was her answer because she knew he was right. And then she broached the subject no one had before today.
“Are you okay with not riding in the procession?”
He shook his head slowly while keeping his eyes on the grey landscape in front of him.
“No, I’m not but there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t compromise my healing by doing something stupid like trying to ride my bike. It hurts not being able to honour Rider and Penny with this final ride but at least I’m here and not in the hospital.”
Glancing at her he watched as she bit her lip and threw him worried little glances.
“Out with it, what else has you worried?”
“You won’t be able to stand for long and Hawk told me there won’t be any chairs at the gravesite. You’re going to have to use the wheelchair today, baby” Her voice was soft and worried and she was right to be worried.
He hated the fucking chair. Hated being weak and basically helpless. Closing his eyes he sighed in frustration then gave a short nod.
“I know, and I won’t fight it because I don’t want to end up back in hospital. I’ll ride in the fucking cage and sit in the fucking chair, but baby, I’m telling you now, I can’t wait to burn that fucking thing.”
Picking up his free hand she held it in both of hers then lifted it to her cheek and held it there.
“Soon you will be striding across the veldt and riding your bike and doing all the things you love doing, it’s just going to take time to build your strength up again. I know today is going to be difficult, not only because we’ll be burying Penny but also because you want to help Rider and there’s nothing anyone can do. He has to go through this however much we all want to save him the sorrow. According to the literature it will bring him some closure, finally being able to put her to rest.”
Jagger had to bite down hard to control himself.
“She should be at home, with her man and little girl and the baby growing in her belly. That’s where she should be, not in a box being lowered into the cold hard ground.”
Sunny didn’t say anything, just held onto his hand and nodded slowly.
“We have to get ready.” She said quietly. “Hawk wants all of us at the clubhouse for the ride to the church.”
Jagger nodded. “Go on in, meisiekind (baby girl), I’ll be there in a minute.”
His woman gave him his minute, a minute he needed to compose himself before going in and getting dressed.
Jagger sat on the couch in the common room with Crash and Banger on either side of him, his bloody caretakers for the day. And the two took the job much too bloody seriously. Looking around for Sunny he spotted her talking to DC and nodding a couple of times then the two disappeared into the throng of bodies. He wondered what the hell they were cooking up.
He didn’t have to wait long to find out when they walked into the room with Rider, holding a pile of white t-shirts. His brother dropped the tees on the bar top and Jagger could see the deep breath he took and let out as he backed away.
Fuck.
Sin and Beast both whistled for everyone’s attention and silence fell over the room.
Hawk stood silent for a second then lifted his head and as he spoke Jagger heard the sniffles from the women and he saw some of his brothers were struggling too. Just the way he was.
“Most of you here knew our Penny. She was a shy and soft hearted girl who stood by her man through very tough times and helped him to make it through. She supported him, supported his choice to join the club. And our brother supported her the same way. Who can forget the day he stood up against a club order because his woman was pregnant and not feeling well? None of us. He showed all of us what it truly meant to be someone’s old man. Penny quietly made a place for herself here at the club. She wasn’t loud and in your face, not our Penny. She was soft spoken with a warm caring heart and though still very young was one of the old ladies everyone looked up to.’ Hawk cleared his throat before he continued.
“Usually we all wear black armbands cut from the tees of our fallen as we ride in the procession. Rider asked me to change that. So, today we will be wearing white armbands for an angel taken too soon. DC and Sunny will be distributing the armbands, get yours from them then join us outside.”
When he finished there was hardly a dry eye in the room.
Almost everyone had their armbands and there were only a few left who still had to get theirs when Suzy walked into the room with Delene in her arms. The little girl was dressed in a beautiful little white dress with black lace around the hem and around the puffy sleeves. The minute she saw Rider she threw out her arms and called to him.
“Dadda!”
Rider smiled and took her from Suzy, holding her against his chest and placing a soft kiss on her hair. She was babbling about something and Rider smiled at her, listening.
That’s when it happened.
DC walked up the Rider and he held his arm out for her to tie the armband around his bicep. Delene watched intently then looked around and realised that everyone was wearing one.
“Me.” She threw her little arm out at DC, demanding an armband too.
Their brother swallowed then gave a short nod. “It’s okay, give her one.”
Tori was the one who stepped up with the tiny piece of fabric and carefully tied it around her arm and all the while she was battling to stop the tears glittering in her eyes from falling. Once she was done Delene held her arm up and looked at it then at her daddy.
“Same, same, Dadda.”
Rider looked like he was going to go down but he recovered. Tori swung around and biting her bottom lip let the tears run freely then swiped at her eyes before turning back with a wobbly smile.
“Yes, baby girl, same like your Dadda.”
Whispering something to his baby girl she nodded then held her arms out to Tori who took her and held her tight against her chest. Rider gave her a grateful look, turned to Hawk and nodded.
It was the signal for them to leave.
The white hearse was at the front and Spook, Buzz, Wolf and Bullet rode ahead of it clearing the way, Rider rode right behind it with Beast and Scar on either side of him. Behind them was the cage carrying Tori and Delene, Suzy, Chris, and River. Jagger and Sunny was in the cage behind them and the procession, led by Hawk with DC riding next to him followed behind them.
There were bikes as far as the eye could see, filling the road and causing traffic to come to a complete standstill. So many clubs had come out to ride today and every single one wore a white armband. Jagger wasn’t sure how the word had spread but it had.
The bikes weren’t the end of it, there was a procession of cages carrying the women and all those not riding. When they reached the church they parked and as he painfully levered himself out of the damned cage Crash and Banger appeared with the fucking wheelchair.
He didn’t argue, just sat his ass down and holding Sunny’s hand allowed his little brother to push him up the ramp and into the church. There was a space for them in front as the church was wheelchair friendly. Jagger wanted to sit in the pew with Sunny but she gave an angry click of her tongue and he stayed where he was. In the damned chair, parked at the end of the pew next to his woman.
Rider, Beast, Scar, Bulldog, Hawk and Ice carried Penny’s coffin inside and set it on the stand in front of the dais. To the left was an enlarged photo of Penny laughing and to the right was a huge colourful bouquet on a fancy scrolled stand. The coffin was a pale wooden one with the same colourful flowers on top. Like Army’s it was like a woven blanket on top of the coffin.
Sunny held on to his hand as Pastor Radebe stepped up and started his sermon.
“We are gathered here today to say our final f
arewells to Penny de Ridder and baby Marnus de Ridder.”
It was obvious Pastor Radebe had known Penny very well as she had been a member of his congregation. He spoke of her with love and respect. Throughout the entire sermon his eyes constantly sought out Rider where he sat with Delene on his lap. It was as if he had prepared the sermon especially for him.
“Rider, I know this day and the days ahead are going to be difficult and unfortunately there is nothing any of us can do to alleviate the pain of your loss. Know that in our own way we share in that pain and loss. Penny was a beloved sister of this community and will be sorely missed.”
Rider
Clasping his daughter to his chest Rider half-listened to the words coming from the pastors’ mouth but most of it went in one ear and out the other. He didn’t want to hear how they would miss Penny.
How could any of them understand?
They weren’t the ones who had lost the love of their life, the mother of their children. He had, he and Delene. Never had he been more grateful for his baby girl than today. He had lost Penny but in their daughter a piece of her would live on and always be with him. Dropping his head he pressed his lips to her soft baby hair and let the tears go. When he lifted his head it was to meet the wet eyes of the pastor looking down at him.
What would he think of him if he knew what Rider had done to the man who had killed his wife?
Would he still stand up there and look at him with compassion? Or would he consign him to the devil?
He was so deep in his head that when it was time to hand Delene off to Tori again Beast had to tap him on his arm.
Stepping up to the coffin he swept his hand across the top and bent over to rest his forehead against it and whispered his farewell.
“I’ll always love you and miss you. You are the centre of my fucking universe my angel. Rest easy, baby.”
Lifting his head he cleared his throat and stepped away then nodded at Hawk.
His prez stepped up onto the dais.
“The next part of the proceedings will be for the Iron Dogz MC and their families only. While we attend to our Penny the rest of you are welcome to head to our compound where we will join you later. The pallbearers for the next part of our Penny’s journey are as follows. DC, Tori, Chris, Suzy, River, Genna, Slim and Sunny please take your places.”
Rider knew the women hadn’t expected to be part of the ceremony but he knew in his heart this was something Penny would have liked. It was something he wanted done for her and not for the club.
A ripple went through the church but Rider ignored it as Tori handed Delene to him and took her place beside the coffin.
Holding his chattering daughter in his arms he followed her mother’s coffin as it was carried by her friends. Their men were there to help them slide it back into the hearse. Even bloody Jagger stood next to Sunny when the bastard should have kept his ass in the wheelchair.
With dry eyes he handed Delene over to Tori once again and strode to his bike. He needed to get this over with. Needed to finish this day so he could lose himself in the bottom of a bottle.
And maybe, just maybe he would be able to sleep.
He rode behind the hearse to the cemetery where the Iron Dogz MC buried their fallen and family. Hawk had come to him with the offer when he started with the arrangements. And Rider had been honoured and relieved that his girl would be resting beside brothers who would take care of her in the afterlife.
If there was such a thing as the afterlife.
Penny had believed in it so he would give her this. Bury her when he hated the thought of her in that dark fucking hole in the ground.
Standing beside the coffin resting on the straps that would lower her into the ground Rider blew out a breath and laid the white stargazer lily he held on top of the coffin.
“Fowah! Delly fowah!” His little girl bounced in his arms and open and closed one little hand in a demand for a flower.
Fuck, what now?
He was saved by Sunny who rushed up and gave her one of the lilies they had been handing out.
“Tan hooo!” She sang with a wide smile then lunged forward and it took all Riders’ strength to stop her from falling out of his arms.
“Mamma fowah!” She strained to reach the coffin and Rider dipped her down until she could lay it on the coffin next to his.
This time he couldn’t stop the tears even if he tried. Somehow his baby knew it was her mother in that fucking box and wanted to give her a flower.
With his free hand he wiped his wet cheeks and looked up at the grey lowering sky. It was going to rain. How fucking fitting.
The pastor spoke a prayer over the grave as the coffin was slowly lowered down. Rider stood with his eyes open, staring as his heart was lowered into the ground.
Once it was done he looked up at the men waiting for them to finish so they could fill in the grave. Not going to fucking happen. He would be doing it.
The women started drifting away to the cars and Tori took Delene and walked off chattering about the trees and the flowers.
Walking to where the heap of soil lay covered under a piece of green netting he pulled it off, picked up one of the spades and started filling in the grave of his wife. He lost himself in pushing the spade into the red soil, lifting it up and dropping the soil on the coffin with a hollow thunk. Soon there was only the sound of spades biting into the soil and dropping it in the hole. He didn’t know how long it took to fill it up but suddenly it was done and one of his brothers took the spade from his hand to hand over to the waiting cemetery workers.
It was done. His girl was gone and he was alone.
Alone. What a crappy sounding word.
He was alone.
He would be raising their daughter alone.
Alone. Alone because there would never be another women like her.
Alone because he would never put another woman on the back of his bike.
It was her place. Only hers.
A warm gust of wind filled with the scent of the lilies she loved came out of nowhere and the hair on the back of his neck rose.
It had been cold the entire morning. Where did this wind come from? Was it his Penny trying to tell him something?
The warm lily scented wind swirled around him and he dropped his head, remembering his promise.
To keep on living, to find love again for him and Delene.
Jesus. How the hell was he supposed to do that when his heart lay at the bottom of a deep dark hole in the ground?
“I’ll try, angel, but I don’t know if I can.” He whispered under his breath, barely moving his lips.
A hand touching his shoulder had him shuddering as if waking from a dream and he looked up at his Prez.
“Time to go, Ride.”
With one last look at the mound of earth underneath which the love of his life rested he turned and walked to his bike.
He didn’t look back again and the wind went from warm to icy cold as he threw his leg over his bike.
He rode back to the clubhouse with his brothers, thankful for their silent support.
The After Tears party as Bullet called it was in the exact same place where they had celebrated Army’s life.
Next door to the home he had shared with Penny, Beast and Tori.
How the hell was he going to keep on living there with memories of Penny everywhere? He was already finding it hard to go into their bedroom never mind sleeping in it. He hasn’t since the day she was murdered. He slept on the day bed in Delene’s room, if sleeping was what you called lying awake watching your little girl breathe.
Standing to one side he shook hands and accepted condolences from men he didn’t know. Men who had come to pay their respects to him, his old lady and his club.
He had been shocked when he saw Kid, Dizzy and Spider in the procession with several of the Cape Town chapter riding with them. Every single chapter was represented and he knew it was an immense honour but it felt hollow, so fucking hollow.
It was getting late and the party was getting rowdy when he decided he’d had enough and started to slowly make his way out.
He hadn’t gone far when Beast and Scar appeared on either side of him and got him through the crowd without too many interruptions.
And finally, finally he was free of the crowd and stood outside in the road with his brothers.
“Go back inside to your women, brothers. I’m okay to walk over to the house, it’s not as if I’m all alone out here.” Rider hugged both men before waving them off.
But Scar shook his head. “You’re not walking down this road by yourself.”
Damn. “Fine.”
He looked around and pointed at the prospect standing a bit further up the road.
“He’ll walk me home.”
And that’s how their new prospect, Adder, came to be the one walking him home.
At the gate he stopped and looked at Rider with eyes that said he got it. He totally got how Rider was feeling right now.
How could someone so young know how he felt? No one knew how he felt.
Adder looked at the ground then looked up and pain was stark in his dark eyes.
“A year ago I lost my wife and son. He came too early and they both died on the way to the hospital. So when I say I know how you feel right now, I do, I really fucking do. I can’t tell you that it gets better because it doesn’t. It just gets easier to carry on living.”
Having said his piece he turned around and walked away, his shoulders straight, his back strong.
Rider stood there watching him walk away and he knew what he had to do.
He would keep on living. He would raise his baby girl the way her Mamma would have.
He would try to find peace but he would not be looking for a woman to replace the one he had lost.
And he would step up as Adder’s sponsor at the club.
Decision made he turned and walked into his dark and lonely house to face another night without his angel beside him.
It was as dark and lonely as the life that now stretched endlessly out in front of him.
A Touch Of Grey Page 29