CHAPTER XII.
A LEAP FOR LIFE.
It is impossible to make an ordinary person understand the chaos ofmingled feelings with which I heard, two days after the circusperformance in which I had so large a share, that Blue-Eyes andCompany had departed for a tour of the watering-places--feelings ofanguish and relief mixed in about equal proportions. I madly lovedher, but I had known from the first that my love was hopeless, and thethought of meeting her, after having made myself so ridiculous, wastorture. Therefore I felt relief that I was no longer in danger ofencountering the mocking laughter of those blue eyes, but I lost myappetite. I moped, pined, grew pale, freckled, and listless.
"What's the use of wasting harvest apples making dumplings, when youdon't eat none, John?" asked my aunt, one day at dinner, after thehands had left the table.
"Aunt," replied I, solemnly, "don't mock me with apple dumplings; theymay be light, but my heart is heavy."
"La, John, try a little east on your heart," said she, laughing--by"east" she meant yeast, I suppose.
"No, aunt, not 'east,' but west. My mind is made up. I'm going out toColorado to fight the Indians."
She let the two-tined steel fork drop out of her hand.
"What will your ma say to that?" she gasped.
"I tell you I am going," was my firm reply, and I went.
Yes, I had long sighed to be a Juan Fernandez, or a Mount Washingtonweatherologist, or something lonesome and sad, as my readers know.Fighting Indians would be a terrible risky business; but compared tofacing the "girls of the period" it would be the merest play. I wasweary of a life that was all mistakes. "Better throw it away," Ithought, bitterly, "and give my scalp to dangle at a redskin's belt,than make another one of my characteristic and preposterous blunders."
I had heard that Buffalo Bill was about to start for the RockyMountains, and I wrote to New York asking permission to join him. Heanswered that I could, if I was prepared to pay my own way. Iimmediately bade my relatives farewell, went home, borrowed twohundred dollars of father, told mother she was the only woman I wasn'tafraid of, kissed her good-bye, and met Buffalo Bill at the next largetown by appointment, he being already on his way West. I came home_after dark_, and left again _before daylight_, and that was the lastI saw of my native village for some time.
"You don't let on yer much of a fighter?" asked the great scout, as hesaw me hunt all over six pockets and blush like a girl when theconductor came for our tickets, and finally hand him a postal-cardinstead of the bit of pasteboard he was impatiently waiting to punch.
"Oh, I guess I'll fight like a rat when it comes to that," I answered."I'm brave as a lion--only I'm bashful."
"Great tomahawks! is that yer disease?" groaned Bill.
"Yes, that's my trouble," I said, quite confidentially, for somehow Iseemed to get on with the brave hunter more easily than with thestarched minions of society. "I'm bashful, and I'm tired of civilizedlife. I'm always putting my foot in it when I'm trying the hardest tokeep it out. Besides, I'm in love, and the girl I want don't want me.It's either deliberate suicide or death on the plains with me."
"Precisely. I understand. _I've been thar!_" said Buffalo Bill; and wegot along well together from the first.
He encouraged the idea that in my present state of mind I would make amagnificent addition to his chosen band; but I have since had somereason to believe that he was leading me on for the sole purpose ofmaking a scarecrow of me--setting me up in some spot frequented bythe redskins, to become their target, while he and his comradesscooped down from some ambush and wiped out a score or two of themafter I had perished at my post. I _suspect_ this was his plan. Heprobably considered that so stupid a blunderer as I deserved no betterfate than to be used as a decoy. I think so myself. I have nothinglike the extravagant opinion of my own merits that I had when I firstlaunched out into the sea of human conflict.
At all events, Buffalo Bill was very kind to me all the way out to theplains; he protected me as if I had been a timid young lady--tookcharge of my tickets, escorted me to and fro from the stationeating-houses, almost cut up my food and eating it for me; and if awoman did but glance in my direction, he scowled ferociously. Undersuch patronage I got through without any accident.
It was the last day of our ride by rail. In the car which we helped tooccupy there was not a single female, and I was happy. A sense ofrepose--of safety--stole over me, which even the knowledge that on themorrow we were to take the war-path could not overcome.
"Oh," sighed I, "no women! This _is_ bliss!"
In about five minutes after I had made this remark the train drew upat one of those little stations that mark off the road, and the scoutgot off a minute to see a man. Fatal minute! In that brief sixtyseconds of time a female made her appearance in the car door, lookedall along the line, and, either because the seat beside me was theonly vacant one, or because she liked my looks, she came, and, withoutso much as "by your leave," plumped down by me.
"This seat is engaged," I mildly remonstrated, growing as usual veryred.
She looked around at me, saw me blush, and began to titter.
"No, young man," said she, "I ain't engaged, but I told ma I bet Iwould be before I got to Californy."
By this time my protector had returned; but, seeing a woman, and ayoung woman at that, in his seat, he coolly ignored my imploring looksand passed out into the next car.
"I'm going on the platform to smoke," he whispered.
"Be _you_ engaged?" continued my new companion.
"No, miss," I stammered.
"Ain't that lucky?" she giggled. "Who knows but what we may make upour minds to hitch horses afore we get to Californy!" and she eyed meall over without a bit of bashfulness, and seemed to admire me. Mygoodness! this was worse than Alvira Slimmens!
"But I'm only going a few hours farther, and I'm not a marrying man,and I'm bound for the Indian country," I murmured.
She remained silent a few moments, and I stole a side-glance at her.She was a sharp-looking girl; her hair was cut short, and in themorocco belt about her waist I saw the glitter of a small revolver.Before I had finished these observations she turned suddenly towardme, and her black eyes rested fully on me as she asked:
"Stranger, do you believe in love at first sight?"
"No--no, indeed, miss; not for worlds!" I murmured, startled.
"Well, I _do_," said she; "and mebbe you will, yet."
"I--I don't believe in anything of the kind," I reiterated, getting asfar as possible into my corner of the seat.
"La! you needn't be bashful," she went on, laughing; "I ain't a-goingto scourge you. Thar's room enough for both of us."
She subsided again, and again broke out:
"Bound for the Injun country, are you? So'm I. Whar do you get off?"
"I thought you said you were going to California?" I remarked, moreand more alarmed.
Then that girl with the revolver winked at me slyly.
"I _am_ going there--in the course of time; but I'm going by easystages. I ain't in no hurry. I told ma I'd be married by the time Igot there, and I mean to keep my word I may be six months going, yersee."
Another silence, during which I mutely wondered how long it would takeBuffalo Bill to smoke his pipe.
"Don't believe in love at first sight! Sho!" resumed my companion."You ain't got much spunk, you ain't! Why, last week a girl and afellow got acquainted in this very car--this very seat, for all Iknow--and afore they reached Lone Tree Station they was _engaged_.There happened to be a clergyman going out to San Francisco on thetrain, and he married 'em afore sunset, he did. When I heerd of that,I said to myself, 'Sally Spitfire, why don't _you_ fix up and travel,too? Who knows what may happen?'"
Unmerciful fates! had I fled from civilization only to fall a prey toa female like this? It looked like it. There wasn't much fooling aboutthis damsel's love-making. Cold chills ran down my spine. My eyeavoided hers; I bit my nails and looked out of the window.
"Ain't much of a talker, ar
e ye?" she ran on. "That just suits me. Mytongue is long enough for both of us. I always told ma I wouldn'tmarry a great talker--there'd be one too many in the house."
I groaned in anguish of spirit; I longed to see a thousand wild andpainted warriors swoop down upon the train. I thought of our peacefuldry-goods store at home, and I would gladly have sat down in anotherbutter-tub could I have been there. I even thought of earthquakeswith a sudden longing; but we were not near enough the Western shoreto hope for anything so good as an earthquake.
"I do wonder if thar's a clergyman on _this_ train," remarked theyoung lady, reflectively.
"Supposing there is," I burst out, in desperation, "does any one needhis services? Is anybody going to die?"
"Not as I know of," was the meaning reply, while Miss Spitfire lookedat me firmly, placing her hand on her revolver as she spoke; "not ifpeople behave as they ought--like gentlemen--and don't go triflingwith an unprotected girl's affections in a railroad car."
"Who--who--who's been doing so?" I stammered.
"_You_ have, and I hold you accountable. You've got to marry me. I'vemade up my mind. And when Sally Spitfire makes up her mind, she meansit. To refuse my hand is to insult me, and no man shall insult me withsafety. No, sir! not so long as I carry a Colt's revolver. I took afancy to you, young man, the minute my eyes rested on you. I froze toyou to oncst. I calculate to marry you right off. Will you inquirearound for a clergyman? or shall I do it myself?"
"I will go," I said, quickly.
"P'raps I'd better go 'long," she said, suspiciously, and as I aroseshe followed suit, and we walked down the car together, she twiceasking in a loud voice if there was a minister on board.
"One in the next car," at last spoke a fellow, looking at us with abroad grin.
We stepped out on the platform to enter the next car--now was mytime--now or never! I looked at the ground--it was tolerably level andcovered with grass; the train was running at moderate speed; there wasbut one way to escape my tormentor. Making my calculations asaccurately as possible, I suddenly leaped from the steps of the car;my head and feet seemed driven into one another; I rolled over andover--thought I was dead, was surprised to find I was not dead, pickedmyself up, shook myself.
"Ha! ha! ha!" I laughed hysterically; "I'm out of that scrape,anyway!"
"Oh, are you?" said a voice behind me.
I whirled about. As true as I'm writing this, there stood that girl!Her hat was knocked off, her nose was bleeding, but she was smilingright in my face.
I cast a look of anguish at the retreating train. No one had noticedour mad leap; and the cars were gliding smoothly away--away--leavingme alone on the wide plains with that determined female!
The Blunders of a Bashful Man Page 12