by Gill Hasson
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Part One: Dealing With Difficult People
Chapter 1: Difficult People and Their Difficult Behaviour Openly hostile, aggressive behaviour
Disguised hostility: Passive aggressive behaviour
Passive behaviour
Chapter 2: Is It You? Resigned, accepting responses
Indirectly confrontational, hostile responses
Direct, confrontational, hostile responses
Blaming other people
Is it you?
Expectations, values and rights
Positive expectations
Begin again: Change how you respond to other people
Your personal rights
The role of self-esteem and confidence
Building courage and confidence
Chapter 3: Communicating With Difficult People Active listening
Minimal encouragers
Reflective listening
Questions about feelings
Identify and learn from good listeners
Non-verbal communication
Talking to difficult people
Chapter 4: Standing Up to Difficult People How to be assertive
Building the confidence to be more assertive
Choosing how to respond
Part Two: Putting It Into Practice
Chapter 5: Dealing With Direct Hostility The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Use tact and strength
Chapter 6: Dealing With Indirect Hostility The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Recognize the warning signs
Refuse to engage
Chapter 7: Dealing With Passive People The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
The difficulty
Is it you?
Your aim
What to do and say
Get them to participate and contribute
Part Three When All Else Fails
Chapter 8: Dealing With Impossible People Critical, impossible-to-please impossible people
Persistently negative impossible people
Drama queens
Self-centred impossible people
Bullies
How to deal with impossible people
Let them go and move on by focusing on what you have to gain
Impossible people
Conclusion Positive people
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Index
End User License Agreement
How To Deal With Difficult People
Smart tactics for overcoming the problem people in your life
Gill Hasson
This edition first published 2015
© 2015 Gill Hasson
Registered office
Capstone Publishing Ltd. (A Wiley Company), John Wiley & Sons Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, United Kingdom
For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www.wiley.com.
The right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Wiley publishes in a variety of print and electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some material included with standard print versions of this book may not be included in e-books or in print-on-demand. If this book refers to media such as a CD or DVD that is not included in the version you purchased, you may download this material at http://booksupport.wiley.com. For more information about Wiley products, visit
www.wiley.com.
Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book and on its cover are trade names, service marks, trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publisher and the book are not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. None of the companies referenced within the book have endorsed the book.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. It is sold on the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services and neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for damages arising herefrom. If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hasson, Gill.
How to deal with difficult people : smart tactics for overcoming the problem people in your life / Gill Hasson.
pages cm
Includes index.
ISBN 978-0-85708-567-2 (paperback)
1. Interpersonal conflict. 2. Conflict management. 3. Interpersonal relations.
4. Interpersonal communication. I. Title.
BF637.I48.H384 2015
158.2–dc23
2014029780
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 978-0-857-08567-2 (pbk) ISBN 978-0-857-08571-9 (ebk)
ISBN 978-0-857-08572-6 (ebk)
Cover design: Wiley
Introduction
Difficult people are everywhere.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, ‘The single most important ingredient of success is knowing how to get along with people.’
Of course, Roosevelt never met that difficult person at work that you have to deal with every day, did he? And he certainly didn't have your in-laws.
When people are nice to you, you can't help but feel good and be nice back. But when they're difficult, you're bound to be unhappy about it and react badly.
Why do other people get to us so easily?
The reason our happiness and well-being depend so much on our relationships is because humans are social beings; we seek and enjoy the company of other people, in particular other people who are easy to get along with and whom we like.
In fact, most of us would rather experience an unpleasant event – watc
h our team lose, for example – with someone who shares our negative opinions about the team than experience a pleasant event – watching our team win – in the company of those who are disagreeable and difficult.
But some people know exactly how to be difficult. They're the people who bring you down with their negativity, criticism or anger. They refuse to cooperate. They're irritating, frustrating and often infuriating. And if you respond to someone else's difficult behaviour with anger and blame, withdrawal or compliance, you may end up feeling guilty, stressed or depressed.
What to do? One obvious solution is to calmly walk away from them. This is easier said than done. (But not impossible: see Chapter 8.) While you can always walk away from a rude shop assistant or hang up on an irritating sales call, it's not so easy to cut yourself off from a parent, sibling, partner, colleague or friend.
A more practical approach to dealing with them is to start by understanding how and why other people can be so difficult. Chapter 1 will help you do just that. You'll see that difficult behaviour occurs on a continuum. At one end of the scale, difficult behaviour can be overt (hostile and aggressive); at the other end, it can be passive (uninvolved and inactive).
In the middle of this continuum is behaviour in others that can be the most difficult to deal with: passive aggressive. It is covert (dishonest and manipulative). In Chapter 1, we'll explore these patterns of behaviour in more detail.
However, knowing and understanding what's wrong with someone's behaviour doesn't change it. The thing is you can't directly change other people's behaviour; the only thing you can change is how you respond and deal with it.
In Chapter 2, we will look at the different ways you may currently deal with difficult people and help you to understand why you react to them in the way you do.
We consider the expectations and beliefs you may have about the ways other people ‘should’ behave towards you. Perhaps you blame other people for making you respond or behave in particular ways.
You'll learn that other people can't make you do anything; they're not responsible for how you feel or respond. You are. So taking responsibility for your reactions to difficult people will help you better manage them. Why? Because if you can take responsibility for your responses then, like anything else that belongs to you, those responses are yours to manage: to influence and direct.
Having thought about how and why you and other people behave and respond to each other as you do, the next step is to learn skills, strategies and techniques to manage difficult people: to know what to say and what not to say. A good way to know what to say and what not to say to a difficult person is to start by listening to them. Really listening.
In Chapter 3, you'll learn what ‘reflective listening’ skills are and how to use them to your advantage. As well as learning how to listen to other people, you'll learn to ‘read’ other people; you'll learn how to actually ‘see’ what other people's motives and intentions are.
By this point in the book, you'll certainly be ready to get on with dealing with difficult people. In the past, you may have thought that there was only one or two ways to do this: either grit your teeth and hope that they'll stop being so difficult, that things will improve, or get the difficult person to see just how difficult they're being.
Both of these approaches are unlikely to fix the problem. In the case of gritting your teeth and hoping things will improve… they won't. In the case of getting them to see just how difficult they're being, that's unlikely too.
You need to deal with the difficult behaviour – not the person. Chapter 4 will really help you here. It explains how to deal with other people calmly, directly and honestly using assertiveness skills and techniques.
You'll learn that there are several aspects to being assertive. Being assertive means being honest, clear and specific about what you feel, want and don't want. You have to acknowledge and often clarify the other person's point of view. You'll need to negotiate, compromise and, when necessary, stand your ground. You need to be able to identify solutions and consequences for when the other person refuses to cooperate. You'll need to avoid ‘losing it’: accusing and blaming or insulting the other person when they're being difficult. Finally, you need to know how to come across with certainty and confidence.
Sound like there's a lot to learn? There is. But you don't have to learn it all at once. You don't have to put it all into practice at once either, in an encounter with a difficult person. The good news is that you only need to remember to focus on one or two assertiveness techniques at any one time to make progress.
In Part Two of this book, you can see how, in a range of situations with a range of difficult individuals, people have only needed to use a couple of assertive strategies and techniques each time to deal with a difficult person.
However, some people aren't just difficult, they're impossible! They drain you and can even destroy you. In order to preserve your physical and mental health, your stability and spirit, there is really only one thing for you to do: withdraw completely. Chapter 8 will explain how you can do this in the third and final part of the book.
So, as you can see, this book can help you to handle all kinds of people in all sorts of situations – to make your life less stressful and a lot easier.
Once you've read this book, you'll no longer feel that other people make you feel or behave one way or another. Instead, you'll feel that you are in control. You'll see that you can choose whether to tell other people what you think, how you feel and what you believe.
Even if an encounter with a difficult person doesn't turn out the way you hoped, you'll be less likely to feel guilty, angry or resentful, because you'll know to simply reflect on and identify what you would do differently next time, in a similar situation.
In short, How to Deal With Difficult People will help you to develop strategies to respond calmly, be able to confidently stand up to others and know when to walk away.
The result? Other people are more likely to treat you in the way you want: with respect.
Part One
Dealing With Difficult People
Chapter 1
Difficult People and Their Difficult Behaviour
Who or what is a difficult person? It's anyone who leaves you feeling upset or let down, frustrated or angry, humiliated or confused, drained or despairing.
A difficult person can be someone who behaves in an exploitative or unethical manner; they may be someone who creates a sense of distrust because they avoid saying what they really think or feel.
A difficult person may be someone who refuses to cooperate with you. They may avoid taking responsibility and duck out of commitments.
A difficult person can also be someone who is negative and critical; they find fault easily without offering any constructive or helpful alternatives.
Whether it's a manager who keeps moving the goalposts, an uncooperative colleague or the difficult-to-please client, your negative friend, sarcastic brother-in-law, critical parent or the infuriating person at a call centre, they all have one thing in common: they can be difficult to deal with.
There are probably times when you wonder how an encounter can go awry so quickly; you start to doubt your own perceptions, feel thrown off balance by the other person and find yourself acting crazy when, actually, you're quite a nice person!
Is it you or is it the other person? It's not always easy to tell if someone is deliberately being difficult or if it's just you who is struggling to deal with that person.
You may have no trouble dealing with a hostile teenager but you have real difficulty with a colleague who finds fault in everything you do. Perhaps you find it easy to accept your sister's negativity (the rest of the family find her draining) but find a friend's inability to be enthusiastic about anything the most challenging.
What is difficult in one context may seem as nothing in another; an uncooperative colleague is a real struggle to deal with in a meeting, but one to one you find it quite easy to negotiate with him
or her.
Sometimes, it's not clear what exactly it is you're having to deal with. For instance, although it's not pleasant, when someone is being openly aggressive and hostile, you know just what you're dealing with. Too often, though, someone else's difficult behaviour is difficult to identify; it's hard to nail down what exactly it is they're doing or saying that's so infuriating.
When does someone else's behaviour move from being irritating to infuriating? It can range from mild or transient to difficult behaviour that is significant and persistent.
Difficult behaviour occurs on a continuum. At one end of the scale, difficult behaviour can be overt (hostile and aggressive); at the other end, it can be passive (uninvolved and inactive).
In the middle of this continuum is behaviour in others that can be the most difficult to deal with: passive aggressive. It is covert – dishonest and manipulative.
Let's look at these patterns of behaviour in more detail.
Openly hostile, aggressive behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is the most overt, open type of difficult behaviour. At its most extreme, openly hostile, aggressive behaviour is harsh and forceful. It can be intimidating; when someone is being openly hostile, they may shout, swear and be abusive. They often overreact, even to things that have little or no consequence to them.
An openly hostile person may talk over and interrupt you or oppose you by dismissing your ideas and opinions. They are unable to compromise with you and frequently ‘lose it’. He or she usually feels they have to prove things and push a point. They insist they are right. You are wrong. It's a ‘my way or no way’ approach.
They are domineering and controlling and view the world through a self-centred lens. The more self-centred they are, the more difficult they are. Their steamroller tactics can leave you feeling like you've been flattened!
Why do people behave like this?
When someone is behaving in an aggressive, hostile way, it's because they want to make sure that things happen the way they want them to happen. Sometimes, it's because their expectations have been thwarted and they are trying to claw back some control. Some people respond aggressively if they think they are being undermined or criticized; they may feel ignored, insecure, misunderstood, cheated or put upon. They may be feeling impatient, upset or just plain angry.