by Gill Hasson
Is it you?
It could be. When someone else does something that takes you by surprise and puts you in an embarrassing or difficult situation, it could be because you didn't give them an opportunity to express what they did or didn't want. Maybe they did try to say something but you weren't really listening. Perhaps you didn't confirm that they were happy with the plan of action and simply assumed that they had committed to it.
Your aim
To enable the other person to be clear and honest about what they do and don't want and to be clear about what you've both agreed to and then get them to commit to it.
What to do and say
If you've just been wrong-footed – if someone has just taken you by surprise and put you in a difficult situation – you may be wondering just how to respond. You may feel the urge to strike back and vent your frustration, or even become passive aggressive yourself. Neither approach is helpful, as the other person will likely respond to your overt accusations with sarcasm, denial or by putting themselves in a victim role or will respond to any passive aggressiveness on your part with even more covert hostility and then you'll just end up in an unpleasant tit for tat.
Time and energy are wasted trying to prove what was and wasn't agreed, who's right and who's wrong. If you do choose to confront the other person, avoid making accusations and statements that begin with the word ‘you’, because these are more likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use sentences that begin with ‘I’, followed by facts. For example, ‘I was surprised that…’ or ‘I was disappointed when…’ or ‘I felt confused when…’
Rather than getting into a confrontation, reflect on what you've learnt from the experience and resolve to handle things differently next time. You can minimize the possibility of someone undermining you by taking the following steps:
1. Use active listening to find out what the other person would like to do or not do
Ask the other person for their ideas. Ask open questions such as, ‘What would you like to happen?’ Even if they only have a vague idea, it's a starting point, something to discuss and build on.
In the case of Carrie and Ben, Ben did actually offer a couple of ideas but Carrie wasn't listening. When you are discussing something with someone, ask yourself, ‘Am I giving the other person every opportunity to give their opinion’? Often, a person will wrong-foot you because they didn't feel they had a voice or they think that they're not being listened to. You can, though, help them assert themselves, to be honest and direct about what they do or don't want.
If the other person is unsure or appears reluctant to express their ideas, offer some suggestions and ask what they think about those ideas; which ideas do they think may or may not work? What do they think would help? Try to draw them out with open-ended questions.
You can also offer them the choice to do nothing; assume they don't want to do something but struggle to be direct about it. Listen and acknowledge their response.
Having a ‘let's work together’ attitude goes a long way to helping the other person to assert themselves and say what they honestly feel.
2. Be prepared to negotiate and compromise
Now that you have helped the other person to assert themselves, you are in a position to respond. You may disagree with their ideas and opinions, so find common ground for a solution and try to offer an alternative that works for you and benefits the other person as well.
Using reflective listening skills, Carrie, for example, should have listened and acknowledged Ben's two ideas, suggested her own, discussed all their ideas – the pros and cons – and then negotiated on what to include and what to leave out.
3. Stand your ground
If, though, when you ask the other person what they want to see happen they are unresponsive or refuse to express an opinion, take a stand and tell them what you are going to do and what you are willing to do to move things forward.
Remain flexible: offer the other person an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about what you suggest but tell them that if they don't respond you'll assume they are OK with your ideas or plan of action.
4. Confirm what has been agreed
At the end of a conversation or meeting, confirm what you think has been accepted and agreed about what is going to happen next. If this is a situation at work, you can confirm the agreement in writing, in an email, for example. Keep a note of facts, issues, agreements, disagreements, timelines and deadlines.
Even with family and friends, you can send a less formal email detailing what you've both agreed. Ask the other person to reply to confirm that they are happy with what you are both going to do, but remain flexible – ask them to include any changes they may have thought of since you spoke.
5. Identify consequences
Decide what the consequences will be if the other person goes back on what was agreed and wrong-foots you again. It may or may not be appropriate to tell the other person in advance, but if you do, make sure you express your intentions in terms of consequences and not threats. Keep everything factual, not emotional.
Explaining consequences is one of the most powerful things you can use when dealing with a potential wrong-footer. Calmly articulated, consequences lower resistance and compel cooperation.
Indirect controlling
Ellie is part of a community group which is raising money to renovate the local community hall. Ellie is on the events team. They run events such as pop-up restaurants, quizzes, pantomimes and discos. Dee is responsible for the publicity. Her role is to promote events via social media and to get posters designed, printed and distributed.
Whenever Ellie or one of the events team emails her with details of an event they want promoted, Dee finds a way to resist; she stalls and is obstructive.
Dee's email responses to requests usually start with a compliment. She tells them, for example, that they're all doing a great job and are a ‘fab team’ but she then goes on to find a way to obstruct the team's requests.
Recent pretexts have begun with, ‘That's a great idea. It would be brilliant, though if…’ and ‘Top idea. Only problem is…’ And ‘First things first – you lot are awesome … but it will be difficult to…’ and ‘A fabulous idea! We just need to wait a bit in order to…’
Dee then gives a reason – or, rather, an excuse – to justify a different course of action.
She stalls and delays actions; publicity isn't forthcoming or is late and the rest of the events team often end up doing a last-minute panic job themselves.
Recently, the events team organized a Mexican Night at short notice. When Ellie emailed Dee asking for the event to be promoted, Dee's response was, ‘It's a shame to have such a short lead-in time to work with – I hope we can come up with a workable solution.’
Ellie finds Dee's approach patronizing, condescending and very frustrating.
The difficulty
It's not easy to get to grips with a person like Dee – she is controlling without appearing to be. (Dee privately thinks that the events team is a bunch of amateurs; she thinks she could do better but doesn't have the time to do the publicity and organize events.)
When someone behaves in this way, rather than be direct and honest about what they think, they use pretexts (dishonest excuses) to conceal the true purpose or rationale behind their actions and words. Typically, they give mixed messages and are unclear about what they really mean.
Is it you?
You may feel that it is. You may feel confused and frustrated and wonder whether you are overreacting. If you have to deal with someone like Dee, it's easy to react by playing the same game: using underhand ways to get back at them. Don't get sucked in. There are constructive ways to deal with this difficult person.
Your aim
To take back control of the situation and get what you want.
What to do and say
1. Identify solutions and alternative courses of action
Ask yourself these questions:
What do
I want the other person to do or not do?
What am I prepared to negotiate and compromise on?
What will the solution be if the other person refuses to cooperate?
Having thought about what, exactly, you do or don't want and how far you're prepared to negotiate and compromise, you will need to decide what the solution will be if the other person digs their heels in and refuses to cooperate.
For example, before she spoke to Dee, Ellie could have thought through in advance what the solution and way forward would be if Dee looked like she might try to block Ellie's request.
Remember: it's important to think in terms of solutions, not threats. Threats raise the emotional temperature and usually lead to more conflict. Solutions, though, give you alternative ways forward if the other person won't cooperate.
Thinking of solutions and alternative courses of action gives you control and puts you in charge. You decide what changes you will make and what direction events are going to take if the other person doesn't cooperate.
Ellie has decided that if Dee won't cooperate, if she cannot commit to organizing the publicity for the Mexican Night by a particular date, the events team can organize the design and printing of the posters themselves.
2. Say what you want and don't want
State what you need. If the other person doesn't seem to be listening, or tries to sidetrack you, stick to your point. Repeat it calmly until you feel that you are being heard.
Do not back down, defend your request or counter-attack. Calmly respond to the other person in a way that both acknowledges you have listened and confirms you are standing firm.
For example, Ellie could say, ‘I understand you feel it's short notice and I agree with you, it is short notice [acknowledging what Dee said]. We still need the posters by the end of next week though.’ [sticking to what she wants]
3. Stand your ground or negotiate
Where possible, aim to negotiate, to find a solution that works for you and the other person as well. Ask questions to find out what, exactly, the other person is prepared to do.
For example, Ellie said to Dee: ‘OK. I'll phone you on Tuesday – if by then you don't think you can get them done by the end of the week, don't worry; we'll sort out the posters ourselves. Would you be OK to Tweet about the event and post it on Facebook?’
4. What if the other person refuses to cooperate?
If the other person still appears to be procrastinating or finding excuses, don't get angry or defensive. Instead, calmly disengage yourself from the conversation.
Negative Ned
Sam's brother, Ned, has a negative approach to most things in life and sees himself as being at the mercy of other people's actions. Ned focuses on the downside of every issue.
Sam, Ned and their sister Natalie all live in London. Their mum, Pat, who was widowed a year ago, lives 100 miles away. She would like to move to London and live closer to her children and grandchildren. Whenever Sam and Natalie discuss it with Ned, he has nothing positive to contribute. He says that their mum won't like living in London, that she won't like living in a flat and that she'll expect them to call round all the time and run errands for her and so on.
If Sam or Natalie ask, ‘Don't you want Mum to move closer to us and her grandchildren?’ he responds with, ‘I never said that,’ but refuses to acknowledge anything positive about their mother moving nearer to them all.
The difficulty
Other people can be seen as drains or radiators; radiators emanate warmth and draw you towards them, whereas drains suck the life out of you. Ned is a drain.
The difficulty here is to resist being sucked in, to stay positive and take action despite the other person's negativity. A negative person's views are likely to be firmly entrenched, so it's pointless trying to argue: they'll find all sorts of reasons to back up their way of interpreting events.
Is it you?
No. Negative people get stuck in patterns of negative ways of thinking and behaving, focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive aspects of a situation. It's a habit they've developed; it's their default way of thinking. It's not surprising if you feel exasperated or drained by their negative attitude.
Your aim
To acknowledge their way of seeing things. To avoid disagreeing with them and, instead, to focus on the positive aspects of a situation.
What to do and say
1. Have positive expectations
It's easy to have negative expectations of a negative person, but it will come out in your verbal and non-verbal communication and this can just feed into the other person's negativity.
Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. It's not easy to talk naysayers out of their misery. They are usually resistant to thinking differently. The best you can aim for is to understand their perspective without endorsing it.
2. Acknowledge what the other person says
If what you hear are complaints, criticisms and negative interpretations of events, don't interrupt, defend, agree or disagree. Just listen. Acknowledge what they've said and how they feel. Remember, just reflecting the person's feelings by saying things like, ‘It seems that you feel frustrated by…’ can help the other person feel understood. Acknowledge their points and feelings and move on.
You can even pre-empt what they'll say by bringing up the negative aspects yourself. Then dismiss the negatives logically and direct attention to the more positive aspects of the situation.
3. Identify solutions
As negative people tend to dismiss every solution you bring up, ask them what they think may be the best solution. When Ned said, ‘Someone is going to have to sort out Mum's house. She'll never be able to take all that stuff with her. I've told her hundreds of times that she should sort out all that clutter. But, of course, she never listens to me,’ Natalie acknowledged what he said but focused only on what he said that was relevant – the need to sort out their mum's belongings – and she asked Ned how he thought they could tackle that.
If you listen carefully, you can often find something in what the other person says, in the same way Natalie did, that you can turn into something positive. It's hard work but it is possible.
How you ask questions and restate what the other person said is crucial. Keep your tone calm and neutral. Avoid coming across as sarcastic or hostile.
When you respond to their answer, remember to stick to the issue and not respond to their negativity. It's crucial that you avoid getting sucked into the other person's negativity – focusing on what's relevant is a way to do that.
Regardless of what they say, you can choose to declare what you are willing to do. Or you can simply get on with what you need to get done.
4. Challenge extreme terms
Often, when people are being negative, they speak in extreme terms that match their worldviews. (Ned claimed he'd told their mother ‘hundreds of times’ to sort through all her things.)
So, if the other person says, ‘I always have to’ or ‘It never…’ Acknowledge their view, but then present your perspective. ‘I understand that it seems like it's always you, and yet…’
5. Take responsibility for how you feel
Don't allow guilt about wanting to avoid their negativity make you spend the next two hours listening.
You can tell the other person that their constant negativity is a drain. If you do, take responsibility for how you feel, rather than accuse them of ‘making’ you feel drained. Natalie or Sam could, for example, say, ‘I find it difficult to remain positive when your responses are so negative. Let's talk about this another time.’
Difficult teenager
Jenny and Paul's daughter, Sophie, is 14. She has recently become very difficult. She shuts herself away in her bedroom and doesn't answer when she's called. She either ‘forgets’ to do jobs like vacuum or wash up or does them badly. Sophie often comes home later than she agreed to – she says the bus didn't turn up or she left something at a friend's and had to return to
collect it. Sophie doesn't answer her phone when Jenny or Paul call her to find out where she is. Jenny and Paul nag, threaten and repeat themselves, but Sophie doesn't pay much attention to anything they say.
The difficulty
The difficulty for Jenny and Paul is getting Sophie to communicate and cooperate. Because they don't know how to negotiate and compromise, many teenagers become experts at this kind of hostile passive aggressive behaviour. They use passive resistance to gain control and get back at you. They don't want to do what their Mum and Dad say, so they pretend not to have heard you, they ‘forget’ what you said or they say, ‘You never told me that.’ They invent elaborate excuses for why they did or didn't do something.
Is it you?
Yes. When your child makes the change from childhood to adulthood, you also have to make some changes – in the way you communicate as a parent. Your teenager has got to a stage where they have their own opinions and preferences but either don't know how to negotiate and compromise or have been shut down when they do. You must both learn to negotiate and compromise; you must help your teenager shift from a position of passive aggressive resistance to one of open discussion and mutual agreements.
Your aim
To negotiate and compromise. To follow through with solutions and consequences if your teenager doesn't cooperate.
What to do and say
1. Be prepared: Identify potential solutions and consequences
If you're currently struggling to deal with a difficult teenager and there's something you want them to do, start by asking yourself: