by KL Donn
“Hi.” His voice snaps me out of my daze. “I’m sorry if I’m early.”
“You’re right on time, actually.” I tilt my head as I scan lower, noticing his hands are full. “And you come bearing gifts I see?”
He lifts his shoulders in a shrug. “I wanted to bring him something. But I wasn’t sure what he might already have or like, so I may have gone overboard.” He grins sheepishly, and I want to slap myself when I feel my stomach flutter in excitement. Down girl! He’s not here for you!
I take a step back, and pull the door wider. “Come in.”
He takes a few steps, surprising me when he stops to lean over and brush a swift kiss against my cheek. “Thank you for letting me see him.”
It happens so quickly that I barely have time to react before he’s moving past me into the foyer. I stand in the empty doorway for a good ten seconds as I try to rationalize how I should respond, but I come up blank. All I can think about is how good he still smells. What in the world is wrong with me? I need to snap out of this spell I seem to fall under every time he’s around. I finally shut the door, then spin around to face him.
“This is-”
“Chase is-”
We both start to speak at the same time, and then both stop, waiting for the other to finish. I incline my head just a tad. “You go.”
“This is a really nice home.” His eyes take in the large foyer, then land back on me. “Is this where you live now?”
“No, I actually still live in New York, in the city.” I force my feet to move and walk past him, motioning for him to follow me. “This is my mother’s house. It’s where I grew up. We already had plans to stay here this weekend, so it just seemed easier for you to come here. She’s out running errands, but should be back in a little while.” I stop when we reach the living room. I point to one of the couches. “You can put that stuff down there if you’d like.”
I watch as he deposits the many gifts he’s brought, my eyes zoning in on the shifting muscles of his back as he bends over. Why does he have to be so damn good looking? I’m still staring when he turns around, my cheeks heating when I see one side of his mouth quirk up as he catches me. I move over to one of the built-in shelves lining the closest wall and lift the baby monitor, hoping to draw his attention to something other than my embarrassment. “Chase is asleep.” I grab a photo album off one of the shelves, then walk towards Jasper. “He usually stays down until around one. I figured it would be good for us to have some time to talk.”
“Okay.” His eyes stay glued to me as I come closer. It makes me nervous. He’s being so quiet, so agreeable. My insides are trembling, but I know I have to give him the chance to be a father to Chase. It’s the right thing to do. I press the album against my chest when I reach him, thinking of anything I can do to stall this a few minutes longer.
“Have you eaten? I can make you something. It is lunch time after all.” I swing my head in the direction of the kitchen. “Or I can get you something to drink?” I whip my head back to him, a nervous laugh escaping. “Where are my manners?”
He startles me, my whole body flinching when his hand reaches out to wrap around the back of my neck, his eyes locking onto mine as he begins to speak softly. “Megan, please don’t be scared. I just want to get to know him. I’d never take him away from you. You’re his mother.”
I nod, blinking rapidly as I feel my eyes water, a shaky breath falling from my lips as a wave of relief flows over me. “And, you’re his father. I just--” I close my eyes, needing a second, then open them to meet his again. “I’ve just made a mess of everything.” I offer him a sad smile. “After I left you the other day, it hit me how unfair I had been to you. And to Chase. How wrong it was for me to keep him from you. I could have found a way to tell you. I could have.” I step out of his hold and shake my head, angry at myself for the tears that have started to fall. I didn’t want be weak in front of him. “I’m sorry, Jasper.” I force myself to look him in the eye. “So very sorry.”
He stares at me, his hands balled into loose fists at his side, his feet shifting, his silence unnerving my already frazzled emotions. I wait though, and stay still as he continues to scrutinize me. After only a few moments, but what feels like an hour, he finally speaks, his voice clipped. “I want to be angry at you. I wanted to hurt you in some way. Maybe try and take Chase away from you. Make you feel what I felt the other day.” I suck in a breath of air at his confession, my hand flying over my open mouth as I take a step back. He counters and steps closer to me, his tone softening. “But after lying awake for the entire night, I realized that only hurts our child. And Jesus, how much more damn time do we need to waste being angry at each other?” He shakes his head, his hand scraping through his hair before clutching onto the back of his neck as he gazes up at the ceiling. “So much time has already been lost. I’ve already missed so much.” He drops his hand, his head lowering to look down at me. “It’s enough. I just want to move forward. I just want to know my son and be a part of his life.”
I nod, because my heart is stuck in my throat and speaking right now is impossible. I’m getting off easy. He could make this so much harder on me. Not that anything still to come will be easy. There are so many things we need to figure out, but him forgiving me, his ability to let go of his anger to focus on our son instead? It says everything I need to know about the kind of father he will be. He’s already putting Chase first.
“So, what do you have there?” He points to the book I’ve still got clutched to my chest.
I look down, forgetting that I was even holding it. I clear my throat as I loosen my grip, extending it out to him. “It’s a photo album. It’s my mom’s, so it doesn’t have everything in it, but I figured it would be a start.”
He slides the large book from my fingers, his face lighting up as he transfers his attention to it, his body moving unconsciously to sit down on the couch. He flips open the cover, and I lower myself next to him so I can walk him through the different pictures.
“That’s the day after he was born.” I smile at the memory as I point to the first page. It’s a snap of me holding Chase in the hospital bed. I point to the opposite page. “That’s my mom in that picture, and that’s my best friend Leah.”
He turns his head to look at me, wonder and curiosity seeming to light up his eyes. “What was it like being pregnant with him? And having him? Was it hard for you? Was someone there with you?”
I lay my hands flat on my lap, leaning back into the couch as I try and answer all his questions. “I had a good pregnancy. I had very little morning sickness, and I don’t even think I started to show until I was around twenty weeks. Labor sucked.” I laugh. “Not going to lie about that. But Leah was there with me through the whole thing. She was amazing. Screaming at me to push, and to be tough. And it was all worth it when they finally put him in my arms.” My voice softens. “He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I didn’t know it was possible to love anything so much until I held him.”
“I wish I had been there.” His voice, shaky, rips through my heart.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper. Knowing the words do little to no good, but feeling like I need to say them again and again now.
“I know.” He blows out a long breath, his eyes capturing mine when he speaks. “You named him Chase?”
I nod. “Chase Montgomery. Montgomery was my father’s name.” I explain.
“You gave him a piece of me.” He stares down at the photo of me holding Chase. “Even though you kept him from me.” He shifts his gaze back to me.
“I guess I didn’t hate you as much as I wanted to.” I shrug, not really having any other way to explain it.
It seems to be enough, at least for now, because he turns back to the album, flipping the page. “Please, tell me more.”
We spend the next twenty minutes looking through all the pages as I explain each stage of Chase’s young life through pictures. I’m hoping to give him some sense of who his son is, but I kn
ow it’s just a small glimpse of all the experiences he’s missed with him. When we close the book, I try and tell him as much as I can before Chase wakes. “He’s always a little cranky and clingy when he first wakes up, so don’t be hurt if he shies away from you. He’s not usually good with strangers.” I snap my eyes to his, the meaning of my words stinging even me as I apologize yet again. I forge on when he nods, a frown marring his face. “And he’ll be hungry. I usually feed him lunch once he’s up, so you can help with that. He hates sitting in a high chair, so I have a little booster seat I use for him. He can drink from a cup, but I have to watch him like a hawk, cause he’ll throw it on the floor faster than you can blink.”
“Does he talk?” He shifts, his hands wringing together on top of the album, and it dawns on me for the first time that he’s really nervous.
“Don’t worry.” I don’t want to send the wrong message, but I also want to offer him some comfort, so I lay my hands over his and squeeze gently. “He’ll get to know you and probably won’t want anything to do with me after he does.” I laugh, then answer his question. “He’s starting to talk. He says lots of words, and some simple sentences. No is his favorite right now.” I laugh, lifting my hands off of his and settle them back in my lap. “I have no way to try and explain to him who Daddy is though.” My brow furrows as I think out loud. “We’re just going to have to work that out as we go, okay?”
“Okay.” He nods, offering me a small smile. “I’ll follow your lead on things.”
And as if on cue, Chase’s voice squawks over the monitor, Jasper’s head snapping in the direction of the noise. “He’s awake.” I stand, taking the album from him as I do, moving over to the bookshelf to put it back in its place, and then silence the monitor. “You ready for this?”
He’s standing when I turn around, his face a slight shade of pale. He nods, then wipes his palms down the front of his jeans. “As I’ll ever be.”
I stroll by him, patting his bicep, (damn, still hard as a rock). “You’ll be fine.” I point down the hallway. “Why don’t you meet me in the kitchen? It’s down there. You can’t miss it.”
“Okay.” He nods again, his hands flexing as I watch him walk off.
I head upstairs, change Chase into a clean diaper and a fresh set of clothes, then carry him downstairs. His head rests on my shoulder, his thumb stuck in his mouth when I enter the kitchen, Jasper pacing across the room. He freezes in place when he notices us, his gaze locking onto the boy in my arms.
I wave him closer with one hand. “Come say hello to your son.” He moves slowly, his hand over his mouth as his wide eyes sweep up and down the length of the small body I’m holding. He seems to be in awe of him, and another stab of guilt shoots straight to my heart as I again realize the enormity of my actions. I clear my throat, then speak in a gentle tone. “Hey baby, can you say hi to--” My eyes dart up to Jasper’s as I realize I hadn’t even thought about how I should address him. I’m met with a slight shake of the head and a furrowed brow, spurring my decision. “Can you say hi to your daddy?”
Jasper’s standing right next to us now and he reaches a hand up to deliver a soft stroke over Chase’s locks as he speaks. “Hey Buddy.”
I expect Chase to burrow into me. I expect his arms to tighten around my neck as he moans out a protest. I expect him to want me, and me only. But like everything in this dance between Jasper and I, nothing ever seems to go as expected. My breath catches in my throat when Chase’s head lifts off my shoulder, and his arms leave my neck to reach out to Jasper.
Jasper seems as shocked as me, his eyes darting up to mine for guidance. I shrug, speechless, and give in to my son’s wishes, transferring him into his father’s open arms. I watch in awe, knowing it’s the beginning of something bigger than both of us. Every moment of indecision I’ve had over the last three years is wiped away the instant my baby’s arms wrap around Jasper’s neck and I recognize the complete and utter look of love on his face. It’s probably the same look I had on my face the first time I held him in my arms, and every day since then when I look at him. I take a step back and give Jasper this moment.
18
I can’t believe he came right to me. That he wanted to come to me. My heart is galloping like the hooves of a hundred stallions racing across the plains. I hold him against my chest, surprised by his weight, even though he feels so little in my arms. I’m mesmerized as we stare at each other. It’s like we’re both measuring the other, trying to figure out who is supposed to do what first. He looks so much like I did when I was little. It’s like looking at a picture of my younger self come to life. I want to press a thousand kisses to his head, one for every day I didn’t get to hold him. I want him to know I’m already in love with him. That I’ll always be here for him. That he’s the very most important thing to me now. Instead, I just smile, because I can’t help it, and say hello.
“Hey Chase.”
His little eyes squint as they move to my mouth, his hand following a second after to run over the light stubble around my lips. “Fuwwy.” He giggles, then drags his fingers over the growth again, turning his head to Megan. “Fuwwy, Mommy.”
She’s got a wide smile on her face as she nods. “Yes, he’s got a furry face, huh?”
I laugh, now that I know what he was trying to say, but stop immediately when I feel Chase flinch in my arms, his expression turning to one of alarm as he stares at me. I think I scared him. “You think this is furry? Wait until winter.” I chuckle, relief pouring through me when he seems to relax, both hands clamping on to my cheeks to rub up and down. I talk to him as he squishes my face. “Are you hungry? Mommy says you like lunch when you wake up.”
His eyes widen, as well as his smile, as he replies. “Yum yums!” He claps his hands then looks at his mother. “Yum yums Mommy.”
“Okay, okay.” She rubs his back as she turns to walk over to the fridge. “Let’s see what grandma has in here for you.” She looks over her shoulder at me. “You can put him in that seat over there.” She motions to a booster strapped to one of the chairs at the kitchen table. “Make sure you buckle him in, okay?”
“Um, sure.” I shift Chase over to my hip as I head for the chair, then lower my voice so only he can hear me. “She does know I haven’t done this before, right?”
“I help!” He offers, clapping his hands together once.
“Well, alright little dude, let’s do this.” I sit him down in the seat, and somehow, with some actual direction from Chase, I get him buckled into the seat. I raise my hand to celebrate. “Give me five!” He looks at my hand, confusion on his face. How can this kid not know what a high five is? It’s a good thing I’m here now. He obviously needs some male guidance. I shake my head, but then use my other hand to lift his and show him how to smack it against my raised one. “See? Give me five!”
I show him again, and this time something clicks, his tiny hand slamming into my large one as he yells out. “Gimme Five!”
“Yeah!” I yell back, excitement pouring through me. I taught him something!
“Settle down Champ.” Megan chuckles from behind me. “Get him to go potty on the toilet and I’ll give you a something to cheer about.”
My brow shoots up as I snap around to look at her. “Something to aim for.” Her cheeks flush, and I’m reminded of a time that doesn’t really seem all that long ago. When all I had to do was look at her to get that reaction from her. We spend the next twenty minutes feeding him. Well, watching him eat really. She gives him some sliced apples, then a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into tiny squares, and then one chocolate chip cookie. Which he refuses to share with me. Just watching him is fascinating to me. He is so happy. The simplest things sending him into a fit of giggles. I swear to god my heart has doubled in size since I walked through the door an hour ago.
After he finishes his cookie, Megan uses a wet paper towel to clean his hands and face, then pops him out of the chair. “Why don’t you go show him what you got him?” She nods her
head in the direction of the living room. “I’ll just finish cleaning up in here then meet you in there.”
“You sure?” I look down at Chase, who’s running in circles around my legs, then back at her. “What if I do something wrong with him?”
“You’re not going to break him.” She waves me off. “Go. Trust your instincts. You’ll know what’s right or wrong.”
I heave out a breath, then bend down to scoop up Chase, a yelp of joy sounding when I toss him gently in the air before securing him in my arms. “What do you say Bud, want some presents?”
“Pwesents!” He exclaims in delight, his head bobbing up and down. “I wove pwesents!”
I grin from ear to ear, never more excited to share some gifts as I carry him back into the living room. When I reach the couch, I set him down, then dump both bags onto the floor, letting him decide what he likes, or doesn’t. A small thrill bursts right to my soul at the first thing he grabs, then runs over, holding it out to me. “Footbaw!”
We spend the next fifteen minutes going through everything else I brought, exploring all of it, but when we finish, he goes right back to the football. “Pway catch with me?”
Sure I’ll play catch with you. Every single damn day if you want. For the rest of my life. Pride courses through me. This is my son. I’m a father. To a boy who wants to play football with me. I ruffle his hair under my hand, then sweep him up, unable to hide the tears glistening as I hug him close. His little body tenses for just a second, but then relaxes, his arms moving to wrap around my neck, one of his hands patting me on the back of the head. “Don’t cwy. It’s okay.”
“I’m okay.” I give him a little squeeze to reassure him. So not okay. Kind of freaking out here. “There’s no crying in football, right?” I force a chuckle, then lower him to the ground, wiping away the light wetness coating my cheeks before he can see. “Let’s go ask Mommy if we can play outside.”