by KL Donn
Being there with them over the last few months has been absolute torture. So much so, that I’ve contemplated moving into the garage which has no heat or electricity and a plethora of leaks. But I can’t afford tarp and more blankets.
When he spins around and heads to the door, I follow him out, grabbing his shoulder to stop him.
He whirls around, eyes focused on my hand as if it’s searing through his flesh. I remove it quickly and step back holding both hands up as if surrendering to someone pointing a gun at me.
Despite the contempt between us, I’d surrender to a hottie like him any day. He’s been the star of many dreams, but he doesn’t need to know that. I’d rather keep the edge I have as an authority figure in his daughter’s life.
Sylvain Bergeron’s loss will be my gain. I need this job and I have the time since I haven’t started back at the daycare yet.
All I have to do is convince him he has no choice but to hire me.
3
SYLVAIN
“Can I help you?” I ask when she lifts her hand from my shoulder.
She looks mortified, as if touching me was a huge mistake. And maybe it was—but not for the reason she thinks.
When she touched me, I felt a zap of electricity, the kind you get when you have chemistry with someone. Which is absolutely ridiculous, because the only spark this red-headed beauty brings out is disdain. She thinks my parenting sucks—and has no qualms about telling me what I can do better at every occasion.
“You need a nanny,” she says with wide eyes and a hopeful smile. “I can be your nanny!”
“It doesn’t say much about your work ethic if you can pick up and leave a job you just got back to with two days’ notice.”
Emma Williams has been a staple at Explorer Academy since I started bringing Paige here. Recently, she disappeared for months. I thought she’d gotten fired, but I should have known better. Despite our differences, I can admit she’s too good of a teacher for them to get rid of.
“I haven’t come back yet, I was—”
“Suspended?” I ask, pointing the key fob at my car and pressing the button to unlock the doors.
She winces, but quickly recovers quickly. “Come on! You need someone to watch Paige. I’ve been her teacher for three years. I have a degree in child psychology. And I just happen to be available. It makes sense.”
She’s right. Her skill set checks all the boxes that make her perfect for the position.
Except it’s her—the woman who’s made it her life’s mission to point out everything I do wrong with my daughter. Maybe she’s trying to save Paige from the treacherous life of being raised by an athlete.
Though she’s made some very good points, I can’t say yes.
There must be someone else that comes with high recommendations from the ladies in the day care. I can wait until tomorrow. It’s cutting it to the last day, but I can wait.
Instead of letting her know I’m mentally wrestling with these thoughts in my head, I stare at her hoping she’ll back down if I don’t respond.
But after three years, I should know better.
The only thing staring at her does is stoke the fire inside me. We may be at each other’s throats all the time, but I can’t deny her beauty. The wind sends wisps of wavy, red hair across her face as her bright, green eyes challenge me to deny her logic.
Emma is tenacious.
She lifts her eyes to the sky and expands her arms as she’s if showing me something grand in the air above us. “The stars are aligned, Sylvain.”
I glance at my watch. Seconds tick by—a countdown clock reminding me I have no time to delay and zero other options.
I sigh with defeat. “Fine.”
She grabs my arm with both hands. “Really?”
“Criss,” I swear under my breath. It’s a word even non-Québécois French speakers can interpret.
“Sorry! Sorry!” She releases me for the second time today. “I didn’t expect you to say yes.”
“Neither did I.”
I’d be an idiot to say no. She may rub me the wrong way, but she’s Paige’s favorite teacher, and that says something. And since I won’t have to train her on Paige’s quirks—er, personality—it should make for an easy transition.
But that touch earlier—her hand on my shoulder that sent a zap straight to my cock—that’s something to worry about.
Could an underlying attraction to her be fueling my dislike? She’s gorgeous, loves my kid, and challenges me. It’s everything I want from a woman.
And nothing Paige’s mom could ever provide. Except it took me a year of therapy to realize she was a narcissist and could never love me or Paige in the way we needed or wanted. Her leaving was the greatest gift she could have ever given us.
That’s what I tell myself, until she messages me on social media asking me to take her back and I hesitate before I respond, because maybe she’s changed. Maybe I’m ruining Paige’s life by not letting her mom have contact with her.
That’s how I know the loneliness is fucking with my head.
It’s the only explanation for wanting to respond to my narcissist ex who has never even asked to see a photo of our daughter.
And it’s the only explanation for thinking I may have a crush on the daycare teacher who hates my guts.
I’m not looking for a mom for Paige, anyway. My daughter and I are a great team. All I need is someone I trust who can take care of her—even during overnight road trips. And Emma fits the description.
I just hope I can hold my tongue for the next eighteen days.
When I get home, I jump on the computer immediately. I need to find a place in Raleigh that can comfortably fit me, Paige, and Emma.
My only option at the resort is adjoining rooms. Which is okay, but I’d rather not have Paige living out of a hotel for a week. Plus, if she falls asleep in our room and Emma is staying in the other room, would Emma be able to hear her if she wakes up and needs her?
Our recent trip to Disney World without my mom is fresh in my mind. I’m sure it had to do with the full day of walking and constant stimulation, but trying to console her tired tantrums after a long day in a hotel room sucked.
I can’t even imagine what her screaming and fighting to get out the door sounded like to the people in other rooms. I was so embarrassed and worried that we’d get kicked out for disturbing them.
Yeah, hotels are fun for a night—maybe two. After that, it’s torture.
I scroll through my phone and find the number for Dan McDonald—Mac—as everyone in the hockey world knows him. He’s the only one who needs to approve my staying in a different location.
“Hey coach!” I greet him cheerfully after his gruff hello.
“Bergie!” Mac answers. “How’s summer been going?”
“Good. Paige had me at the rink skating all summer long.”
“Glad to hear she keeps you in line.”
“How about you?” I ask, jumping up from my chair when the alarm for the washing machine sounds. “Did you and Debbie do anything fun?”
“If living in our house during a complete kitchen remodel sounds like fun, then yes, we had a blast.”
I laugh. “Did you at least get to swing a sledgehammer?”
“Hell, no! She wouldn’t let me near any of it. She seems to think I’m clumsy.”
“Well—” I begin, setting my phone on the counter and pressing the speaker button so I can transfer the laundry to the dryer as we talk.
“If you value your time on the power play, you’ll bite your tongue. Got it, Bergie?” he warns in jest.
Dan McDonald was an amazing hockey player in his day, and he’s an even better coach. But home improvements have never been his specialty. We’ve heard enough stories of his epic failures to give him a hard time.
“I need a favor, Mac.”
“What’s up?”
“You know how my Mom has been living with me for the last few years, taking care of Paige while I’m working?”
“Yeah, Jacqueline is a great lady. Is everything okay with her?”
“Yes, she’s fine.” I assure him. I set the timer on the dryer and press start, then pick up my phone. “But she couldn’t come back to Charlotte with us this time. My grandfather got diagnosed with cancer and she had to stay in Quebec to be with him.”
“Damn, Bergie. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks, Mac. He’s been going downhill for a few years, so it wasn’t a huge surprise, but then he just gave up altogether. He’s gotten so bad, she couldn’t leave.”
“I understand totally. We went through something similar with Debbie’s dad. It sucks.” He pauses. “How can I help?”
I’m pacing around my living room, holding my phone in front of me as I talk into the speaker. “I know this isn’t a normal request, and it’s really last minute, but I’m in a total bind.”
“Slow down, man. Are you okay?” There’s concern in Mac’s voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just, um, I need to bring Paige with me to training camp. I just hired this new nanny and I don’t really know her yet. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving Paige with her alone in Charlotte, ya know?”
It’s not that I think Mac will say no, but I keep explaining so he understands the reason.
“I found this three-bedroom condo I can rent at the same resort the team is staying at. So, I’ll be right there with everyone, just a little off the beaten path,” I say. “I won’t miss anything. You have my word. The nanny will be there with Paige the entire time. It’s a place for me to sleep, like a normal hotel room, I just want to be with Paige until I get the feel for this new person.”
“Chill, Bergie. It’s fine. I get it. You can’t be too cautious these days. I totally understand your situation.”
I let out a breath of relief. “Thank you. I appreciate this so much.”
“Life happens to all of us. If it’s something we can roll with, we’ll make it happen.”
“Thanks, Mac. I really appreciate it. See you on Thursday.”
Desperation makes people do crazy things. And that’s the only word I can think of to describe my situation accurately.
Emma is the last person I would have chosen at the daycare, even below the janitor. Not because I think she’s a bad teacher or caregiver, but because her air of superiority grates on my nerves. It’s as if I don’t do anything right as a parent.
I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I do the best I can, and Paige and I manage just fine.
Every single part of my body tells me to put on the brakes, but I listen to my brain—the logical one that knows it’s the right decision. Mainly because I literally have no other choice. My daughter knows her and trusts her. We may needle at each other’s last nerve, and despite our differences, I trust her, too.
Later, as I drive back to Explorer Academy to pick up Paige, I can’t help the nagging feeling inside telling me the decision to hire her to live with me in a confined space for two weeks straight feels like I’ve pressed the countdown button to detonate a bomb.
I have no clue how I’ll bite my tongue if she comes at me with an attitude—especially after a long day back to the grind at training camp. It’ll be a huge test to my patience, but I’m going to give it my best shot because I can’t afford to lose her.
Glowing red numbers tick away, counting down toward double zeros. The vision is crisp and clear as if I’m remembering a specific scene from a movie I’ve already watched.
The explosion is imminent and unavoidable.
4
EMMA
I run back into the building, unable to contain my excitement. I never thought he’d say yes. Not in a million years. Not that it would have stopped me from asking.
“Did you get the job?” Julie asks as I slip through the doors.
“Would you be mad if I said yes?” I ask slowly, trying to manage my racing heart and foggy thoughts.
“He said $75,000 a year, right?”
I nod.
“Well then, how can I be mad?” She laughs. “I know being sick and out of work has been a huge financial burden on you, sweetheart. I’m glad you were sitting right there when the opportunity came up.”
“Would you have told me if I hadn’t been sitting there?” I open the top drawer to the desk and pull out a lollipop.
“As much as I would have loved to jump on the job myself, yes. I would have gone to you first.”
“Awww! Thanks, Jules!” I crouch down and hug her. “Why me?”
“You’re the only one I know without any responsibilities holding her back. What do you think Tim would have said if I told him I wanted that job?”
“Take the money and run?” I tease.
“Yeah right.” She places a yellow sticky note on top of a manila folder in and moves the file to the side.
Her husband is the sweetest guy in the entire world, but he’s got a horrible jealous streak. If she ever suggested taking a job working for a hot hockey player, he’d go ballistic.
And, I mean, how logical would it be for a married woman with kids to take a live-in position? I’m the ideal candidate.
“I’m just glad you’re available to take it.”
“Yay cancer,” I say dryly, pushing a pen across the counter.
It’s a heavy joke. One so dark I can’t believe I’m even trying to make it light-hearted.
Julie looks up at me. “You’re here and you have an amazing opportunity. That’s what matters.”
“He hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you.” She stands up, walks around the desk, and drapes an arm around me. “You bring out his parenting insecurities.”
I laugh “Well, if that’s the case, he’s really going to hate me after two straight weeks with Paige.”
“I think you’ll be good for both of them. You are wonderful with her. Now he’ll have a chance to see you in action rather than a few minutes here and there when he drops her off and picks her up.”
She’s right. Technically, we’ve only seen the worst of each other. The only times we really talk is when Paige has a rough day and I have to discuss a behavioral issue with him. Instead of seeing it as communication between a teacher and parent, he gets offended like I’m telling him he’s a horrible dad.
Hopefully, two weeks will be enough time to show him we’re on the same side. I’m here to help, not criticize.
As I’m driving south on I-85 toward my mother’s house, I feel hope.
At this time last year, I’d just been diagnosed with cancer. At this time last year, I was under the covers in my bed, angry and terrified. At this time last year, I honestly didn’t know if I would live another year.
My doctor found tumors in both of my ovaries. Technically, she could have performed surgery to remove them, but with that option, there was a strong possibility the tumors would grow back. The other option was to have a hysterectomy.
At twenty-three-years old, I had to decide: keep my ovaries and take the chance that the cancer might return or have a hysterectomy, which guaranteed I’d never be able to have children.
You’d think the decision would be a no-brainer. Who would want to take the chance the cancer could come back? Who would want to put their body through chemotherapy again—maybe even radiation?
But for me—someone who loves children so much I chose to work with them every day of my life while going to school to pursue my Bachelor’s degree in child psychology—it was the most difficult decision I’d ever had to make.
I’ve always wanted to have kids of my own—not this early in life—but it was a goal. Making the decision, no matter how obvious it seemed, wrecked me.
After months of therapy to help me come to terms with both cancer and my decision, I’m in a better place. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to work with children.
But it still hurts.
I turn the dial on the radio to the local alternative rock station, which plays a ton of old songs mixed in with a few n
ew ones. I wish, for the millionth time, I could afford satellite radio.
But I’m in debt. So. Much. Debt.
I’d happily taken out student loans to fund my degree, since that’s what some of us have to do when we’re working full time and supporting ourselves and still can’t afford to pay outright. I’d planned for student loans.
I did not plan to be drowning in medical bills.
Here’s something I found out recently: Heath Insurance—even insurance you think is really great—doesn’t pay for all the expenses that come with a cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment.
I have an excellent plan through Explorer Academy. But it had a cap—a cap I met after my surgery. That meant insurance didn’t cover chemo, or therapy, or all of the thousands of costs that come with being in the hospital or coming back for treatments.
Ready for the kicker? During that time, I still had to pay my monthly health insurance premium even though I wasn’t working and the insurance had reached the max of what it covered.
Let me repeat that for it to sink in.
Like any employer, Explorer automatically takes the amount I’m responsible for out of every paycheck.
I still had to pay my monthly premium to keep my insurance through Explorer even though I could not work and the insurance hit the cap and they weren’t paying for any expenses.
Every penny in my checking account—gone.
Life savings—which, admittedly, wasn’t much—gone.
I lost my apartment because I couldn’t pay rent.
And racked up more debt than a twenty-three-year-old without a credit card to her name thought she would ever see.
So. Much. Debt.
My advice: If you’re not rich, don’t get sick.
Sounds silly, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. But that’s the country we live in. Illness, especially cancer, is big business. It’s not slackers and people looking for handouts who can’t afford to pay catastrophic medical bills. Its people like me—working full time, going to school full time, maybe even someone teaching your children while you’re working.