by Eva K. More
“They… they aren’t your biggest fans and aren’t very happy, well, mostly my Baba,” she said cautiously. It was her problem to solve, not Maryan’s.
“Yes, they are good people. They will come around for you.” Maryan squeezed her hand. Their second skin contact came easier, more natural.
“I hope so,” she confessed earnestly. She wanted to have her grandparents in her life, but she had realized that she couldn’t pay their price for love anymore. Either they would accept her with all her faults and her curiosity and her heart or not. She was her own person; she could never replace her mother. She hoped they got that, too.
“I’m sure.” Maryan winked.
The sun was shining even brighter now, bathing the room in warmth. Kat would miss the breathtaking view. But she would miss something else even more. Taking her bag and zipping it shut, she finalized her packing. There was only one last thing to clarify.
“Speaking of coming around. Why hasn’t Gabriel been here?” He hadn’t visited her, not once in the past days. They had clung to each other in Maryan’s car after the horrible events in Anton’s house, and then he had left her with her father for good.
Maryan lifted his eyebrows. Kat had learned that this was his only admittance to confusion. “His wounds were a bit more severe, and he needed more rest. Not that he’s really resting. That boy is much too hard on himself sometimes. It was six against him, and they injected him with ketamine – there wasn’t much he could have done, but he is still beating himself up over it. He blames himself for putting you in danger.”
“That’s stupid,” Kat said, appalled. “He has saved me so many times. This wasn’t his fault!”
“Maybe. But for someone who has been a guardian most of his life, it’s difficult to admit to being human. He will come around, eventually. Did you want to see him?” Maryan asked and narrowed his eyes at her.
“Yes, no, I mean, he has to want to see me. If he hasn’t been here until now, then I guess, that’s it.” If he cared for her, he should have come anyway, shouldn’t he?
Maryan regarded her with sharp eyes. “I see. Word of advice?”
“Stop being so curious?” Kat said, feeling her emotions sprawling downward.
Maryan shook his head. “No… I will never forget how forlorn Gabriel looked when Toni called me to clean up his so-called mess. Back at the time, Toni and I were sort of acquaintances. I’m not proud to have helped him, but I wasn’t nearly as influential as I am now, and I believed him when he said that it was an accident. However, it was the end of our partnership. And I took Gabriel in. I’ve taught him to be strong and not to get too attached to things and people. All his life he’s learned to survive in our world, this harshness is all he knows.”
“But he is attached to you.” She replied.
Maryan nodded. “Yes, truthfully, he is like a son to me. But sometimes he mistakes loyalty for complete obedience. He has never learned to differentiate them.”
Kat bit her lip and pushed her hair over one shoulder. “Are you telling me to leave it be because he’ll never want to be with me because of you?”
If the directness of her question surprised him, Maryan didn’t show it. “I’m telling you that all he has ever known is darkness, as nobody before has ever given him a glimpse of lightness. I’m the first one that wants him to be happy.”
“You mean, don’t give up on him?”
“I mean, he needs to see it to know that it’s the right thing.”
Kat thought about his words, replaying them in her head. She was thankful for his advice, for there was probably no other person who knew Gabriel better. Still, she narrowed her eyes. “Gabriel said you’d never approve of us.”
The smile on Maryan’s face was genuine; the deep lines next to his eyes made him appear more friendly rather than his intimidating persona. “Gabriel’s a good man, and he knows to be always wary of me when it comes to you.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice, talking to her like it was his biggest secret. “But between you and me, he is one of the few people I trust. I’m not blind, Katherina. I have seen the way he looks at you, and I know that he would give his life for you. That is good enough for me.”
aking a deep breath, Kat opened the door to the indoor gym.
Maryan had not only given her the address but provided her a car and a driver to bring her to another one of his clubhouses. The driver, she had realized, had also served as an entrance card, because apparently, one could not just walk into a building owned by the mafia. The man was now waiting on the upper level for her.
During the drive, she had become nervous; after all, this was a detour on her way back home, and even if she reassured herself that it was all over now, and the bad guys were dead, still, a feeling of dread and unease slowly settled over her. She wasn’t sure if she could feel safe all alone now.
But she had to try.
When she finally entered the room filled with various exercise machines and boxing equipment, the only other person inside let the barbell fall to the floor noisily. Kat could see that what Maryan had said was true. Gabriel was punishing himself, working out until he barely had any breath left. Despite the fading yellow bruises on his face and some bandages covering his tattoos and his leg, despite the sweat and unruly hair, he still remained so very gorgeous.
He looked at her for a long moment but didn’t say a word. It hurt her to watch him slightly limp as he went to take his bottle of water from one of the benches.
“Shouldn’t you be resting?” she asked.
He barely graced her with a glance. “I can rest when I’m dead. What are you doing here?”
“I- I came to say goodbye,” Kat said then, feeling like there was a lump stuck in her throat.
“Going back home?” Gabriel’s voice was husky as if he hadn’t used it in a while. His expression remained distant, maybe even hostile.
Taking a cautious step further, Kat lifted a hand to touch one of the leg machines. Surely, he didn’t use it with his injury, did he? It was easier to distract herself than drown in the dizziness she felt. He was so cold, the wall he had put up felt indomitable, but she had to try. Maryan had warned her that it would be difficult. Maybe if she opened up to him, started on neutral ground, she would be able to reach him.
“Mhmm, it’s time I get back to my humble abode. Otherwise, I’ll get so used to Maryan’s apartment that I could never return without falling into a depression,” she said, opting for a little smile.
“You’re nervous.” He saw right through her.
“Yes,” Kat admitted, her eyes falling to the floor. “I keep thinking of how they had watched us. They never were inside my apartment, but they knew where I lived. It’s still a bit terrifying, truthfully.”
“Don’t worry. We had your apartment checked out.” She noticed that Gabriel had decided to be friendly but reserved. He treated her like she was a client to be pleased. “You have a new safety lock and an alarm system installed. I’m sure Maryan gave you your new keys.”
“Yes, thank you.”
He nodded curtly. “It was my job.”
Gabriel was brusque and cold, and she didn’t know what she had done wrong this time, but he made her feel small and insecure. Inside, her sadness and anger warred to gain the upper hand.
“Why didn’t you give me the keys yourself?”
Gabriel clenched his jaw and didn’t acknowledge her question, but Kat did not leave it be.
“Why didn’t you come to visit me even once?” She asked, staring at him openly. She wanted to show him that she was up for the confrontation and moved away from the machine, taking small steps in his direction. He turned his broad back to her, and Kat’s chest quivered. This situation was challenging. More problematic than she thought. “Gabriel-”
“Listen, Kat.” His tone was severe, and his expression was devoid of any emotion when he turned back around. She wasn’t sure how to read his look, but she braced herself for it because she had a bad feeling. There were only
a few steps between them, but more so than ever, it felt like Gabriel had placed an ocean in between them. “Ivo is dead, Anton is dead. You don’t need to worry about people like them anymore, and I’m returning to my actual work.”
“Wow.” Kat felt like he had slapped her. “That’s it?” For a moment, his gaze flickered, but then he moved it to a point above her shoulder, and his chest expanded to its wholly intimidating size.
“What else would there be?”
“Oh my-” Kat’s fingers squeezed the material of her pants desperately. “How about the things we talked about in the past few weeks? How about what happened between us?”
“There’s nothing about it. I told you from the beginning that there’s no future for us. You need to get back to your life and your friends. Date some nice guy, marry, have children. And lead a normal life.”
She huffed in indignation and crossed her arms in front of her chest, hurt mixed with anger. “A nice guy like Eric?” Gabriel hadn’t liked him, so why did he behave like it didn’t matter to him whether or not she was with someone else?
“Yeah, someone like him. Someone who is like you.”
“Someone made for a white picket fence, you mean?” Her body trembled in frustration.
As if equally frustrated, Gabriel lifted his hands in the air. “Yes, exactly!”
Kat pursed her lips and stormed over to him. She decided that anger was the only thing that would get him, not her tears, so she pushed him on his chest, ignoring the sweat and his surprised, but grim expression. “You told me a picket-fence isn’t an option for a killer, remember? I’m a killer now, too!” She screamed and saw as he opened his mouth to protest. “No, shut up!” she spat at him, ripping her shoulders free of his sudden grasp. “I killed Ivo, and I don’t need you to console me, because – if you had ever visited me in the past few days – you’d have known that it’s okay for me. I’m glad he’s dead! If I had to do it again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Actually, I’d do everything again just to save your life.”
Gabriel was quietly watching her, and she thought she had gotten to him; thus, she lowered her voice. “You asked me what I want in my future,” Kat put both of her hands on his face, liking the rough texture of his stubble on her skin. She was glad he didn’t push her away, although he kept looking at her warily. “I want you in it! I love you.”
His gaze was unwavering when he slowly lifted his arms and pried her hands from his face. “I’m sorry, little bird,” he rasped.
Furiously Kat took a few steps back. “You know what the difference between us is? I’m not a coward like you are. Goodbye, Beast.”
And she stormed out of the private gym, shutting the door behind her loudly. She ran past the driver and dived into the car, finally letting herself cry.
***
When he couldn’t see her anymore, Gabriel leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling without seeing it.
“Fuck.”
He had known it would be bad whenever he saw her again, but he hadn’t anticipated that it would be this early, while he still felt so wounded himself.
Kat had been beautiful and fiery, and she had crashed into him like a whirlwind. Why did she insist on getting hurt by him? Didn’t she see that he wasn’t the right guy for her?
‘I’m a killer,’ she had said.
He didn’t think of her like that. She was nothing like him.
‘I’m not a coward like you are.’ Jesus!
He rubbed his chest with one hand, trying to ease the tension in his body. I would have loved to see her smile one last time at me, he thought bitterly.
Lost in thought, he registered the door closing again. Assuming that Kat had returned, he repaired his cracked walls and prepared for another fight, but seeing Lina sit down on one of the machines made him pause.
“Didn’t expect me, darling?” She grinned. “So, it wasn’t just my imagination when I saw that little doll running out of here.”
Gabriel grunted. “That’s none of your business.” He was still somewhat duped that he hadn’t known that Lina had worked for Maryan all along. And also, she had been careless with Kat’s safety.
Lina’s chuckle was throaty and dry. “I know. And before you get defensive, I’m on your side. Leave that girl be. Sooner or later, you will destroy yourself, that fit body will get old, and your veins will be pumping poison instead of blood.”
Gabriel looked at her, and for the first time, she wasn’t hiding her emotions. They were raw, there in her face. She looked old and worn.
“Didn’t think you cared for her well-being,” he said.
“Nah. Don’t be such a bad sport. I tried to keep her as unharmed as possible. You understand, right? That’s how our job works.” She casually replied, as if they were talking about the weather.
“I’m not like you.”
“No,” she answered earnestly. “But you will be soon when you keep fighting for the dead.”
His head hurt, his body hurt, his vision was becoming a little blurry. Gabriel thought that maybe it was time he took his pain medication and to stop talking and thinking. “I’m not fighting for the dead.”
“Your profession has nothing to do with your mother?”
He looked away from her; he didn’t like the knowing expression in her eyes. “My mama was lost long before her death. Maryan made me who I am.”
Lina made a clicking sound with her tongue. “You still loved your mama, and I bet whenever you went to bed as a kid, you missed her dearly.” Gabriel narrowed his eyes at her, but Lina just waved her hand. “It’s okay. Kids are supposed to love their parents, and it must have been a pretty bad time for you.”
“Probably,” he said, crossing his arms in front of her chest.
“No, Beast, I mean, Gabriel. Not probably- definitely. That’s why you are out there, fighting to keep them girls safe.”
“Just doing my job.”
Lina laughed loudly, the sound of it making his skin crawl. “Keep telling yourself that lie. Sure, you do your job. But you do more than that. All your life, you’ve been fighting men like Anton, trying to protect women like your mom. You don’t believe your martyrdom would be over with Anton’s death, right? Oh, no.” Lina widened her eyes in mock realization. “That’s it! You haven’t been punishing Anton all these years; you could have easily killed him before that. You’ve been punishing yourself for not being able to protect your mama when you were a kid.”
Gabriel’s pulse was beating a mile per second, trouncing the beat of his fist clenching and unclenching. As much as he wanted to hit something, he restrained himself, especially when Lina stood up.
“Take it from me, babe. It feels like I’ve been fighting all my life for my dead little girl. I’m too old to see the light at the end of the tunnel, too jaded and dead inside myself. I couldn’t start fighting for the living, no matter how much I tried. I never found something worth fighting for. It’s sad to think that my little girl wanted me to be happy, and it will never happen. I’m pretty sure your mother wanted you to be happy, too. The difference is, you can still live a life worth living for.” And just like that, she left him alone.
t had been nearly a month since Kat had left the gym and, ultimately, Gabriel behind. She had met Maryan a few times and balanced out the meetings with her grandparents, whom she had yet to inform of her decision regarding the involvement of her father in her life. But between having her heart broken by Gabriel and getting to know her father, she was in a too delicate state of mind to fight. Knowing her Baba, she might not see them for a long time afterward, and she wasn’t ready for that yet.
On the occasions she had met with Maryan, some men in the background had always flanked him. None of them were Gabriel, and he had remained an unspoken subject between them. She was grateful that her father didn’t mention him, and at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel devastated for his reasoning.
The first few weeks, the tragedy of it all haunted her until bedtime. Still, with newly enforced vigor
, she fought the rising melancholy and started concentrating on the here and now, which was washing her mind after having washed her hair only minutes ago.
Remembering Gabriel and everything that had happened wasn’t healthy, and she had yet to decide on what kind of pajamas she’d toss over. After having canceled on Andrea because she hadn’t been feeling up to a night out, she planned on watching a sappy movie to take her mind off mafias and sexy, yet stupid badasses.
Lost in thought, she ran to the door with her hair twisted in a towel when she heard the doorbell, reasoning that it was probably Andrea dragging Lorry along to try to coax her out.
But instead, she found herself plastered to her wall with angry grey eyes boring into her soul. She was quickly subdued by one hand on her throat and the other pressing into her side. The door was closed as promptly as it had been opened.
“Still so damn naïve not to check who’s at your door? What did we install that camera for, little bird?” Hearing the deep, gravelly voice of her tormentor made goosebumps appear on her skin.
There were a number of things Kat had wanted to tell him; that she had imagined she would say if she ever saw him again, but she couldn’t think very well with her heart beating like a jackhammer.
Here he was, Beast, Gabriel, the two personas in one body; he was standing in front of her, looking ominous and dangerous and delicious. He had managed to shock her, and that she wanted to reciprocate.
“I’m not a coward,” she said.
His eyes narrowed, his hold on her throat tightened. “No, little bird. You are an idiot.”
Kat jutted her chin forward; her gaze didn’t waver. “What are you then?”
Silence.
“I’m a coward,” he said quietly.
Instantly, the mood changed.
His thumb caressed the sensitive skin on her throat, his touch igniting a fire in her belly. His eyes lowered, traveling from her face, to the oversized t-shirt she had donned on, and further down her bare legs. They didn’t say another word, but words weren’t needed anymore.