Method Acting

by Adele Buck

  His jaw worked, and Alicia braced herself for another argument. “Okay. I get that you did what you had to. But why are you leaving?”

  Alicia closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips to her temples. “No, you don’t get it. It never occurred to you that you would ever actually know someone who had done that for a living. And yet. Here I am.”

  “I still don’t understand why you want to leave.” The naked pain growing in his eyes became too much to look at. Alicia sat on the chair and pulled on her shoes.

  “I don’t want to leave. I need to leave,” she said, her gaze tracing the grain of the wood floor. “We’re not just worlds apart. We’re universes apart.” A sob threatened, and she took a deep breath, forcing it down as she stood. “And you…I don’t have any defenses around you.”

  “That’s a bad thing?”

  “When you finally realize I’m right and we’re too different? Yeah. It’s going to be catastrophic.”

  Colin focused on keeping still, even though every impulse in his body screamed to go to her, to hold her, to make her stay.

  “Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?” His mouth was dry, and his voice was a ragged croak.

  Alicia worried her lower lip with her teeth, increasing his desire to touch her, to wipe the sadness from her eyes or let her bury her face in his chest and cry. But he remained motionless. He feared he would spook her entirely if he so much as lifted a finger.

  Finally, she shook her head. “I…I can’t. Can’t see my way through it, or around it. I…don’t do this. Relationships. I need to be strong, take care of myself. But you got in so fast, so completely. I can’t cope.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re going to wake up one morning and see that the girl who took her clothes off for money, who wears tacky red shoes and likes pop art, just doesn’t fit here.” She waved her hand at the room, but Colin kept his eyes on her face.

  “That’s not true. We have our differences, but I don’t see that they matter.” Was that really how she saw herself? What about the tenacious, self-taught mind she had? What about her incisive creativity and her incredible dedication to her work?

  “They might not now. But they will. Your fancy friends with their equally fancy backgrounds and degrees will eventually start judging me. They’ll start questioning why you’re with me. And then you’ll start to wonder yourself. Then I’m going to end up out on my ass.”

  Colin’s chest was constricted, and breathing seemed nearly impossible. “Which of my friends struck you as ‘fancy’? I thought you seemed to get on well with Russell, with Brandon and Mari.”

  Alicia’s face flushed. “No. They were all really nice. But what about that bitchy old lady at the gala?”

  Of all the people…why did Alicia have to bring her up now? “Mrs. Lloyd-Hudson? What does that miserable old hag have to do with anything?” Colin said.

  “Isn’t she someone important? Someone who belongs in your world?”

  Colin shifted, unease roiling in his gut. “All this talk of different worlds makes me think you’re becoming an astronaut or something. No, she’s not particularly important, at least not to me. She’s unpleasant. I generally steer clear of her. You don’t have people like that in your life?”

  “Of course I do.” She gave him a frustrated look.

  “Well, why are the ones in my life a problem?”

  “The ones who are in my life wouldn’t ever object to you. Even if their opinion mattered at all.”

  “Well, if…if someone objected to you, that would automatically mean their opinion didn’t matter.”

  Why doesn’t he see this? It’s so obvious.

  Alicia’s hands clenched. Colin appeared so bewildered and hurt that her chest felt like it was being crushed. The pressure of tears behind her eyes had become nearly unbearable. He hadn’t moved from his position in the doorway since he had come upstairs, but his dark eyes bored into her with heavy intensity. He seemed to be coming to a decision of some kind. She braced herself. It would almost be a relief if he said, “Fine. Go.”

  And it would also be the worst kind of pain.

  His expression shifted, became resigned. “Can I tell you a story?” he asked.

  Alicia blinked at him, bewildered. “Um. Yeah.”

  “I was with someone who you would have said was ‘from my world.’ I didn’t enter into a relationship with her because she fit any sort of résumé criteria, but yes, she came from a wealthy family, had a good education, all the things you cite as reasons we can’t be together.” He paused, fingers rubbing his lips. “She is also the daughter of the Lloyd-Hudsons.”

  “What?” She couldn’t have heard what she thought she heard. “The woman…at the gala. The woman you said isn’t ‘particularly important.’ You dated her daughter?”

  Colin nodded, not saying anything.

  Barking out a bleak laugh, Alicia said, “You have a hell of a definition of ‘not important.’ How long did you date her?”

  “Two years.”

  “Two years? Jesus, it sounds like this woman practically became your mother-in-law.”

  He blinked, his gaze shifting away.

  “You nearly did marry her, didn’t you?” He didn’t answer, and Alicia’s breath caught as rage flooded through her, bright and hot. “You have a lot of damn nerve not telling me that before now and getting on your high horse about me not telling you about something I have to do for my job.”

  “Because I knew you’d…”

  “I’d what?”

  “I knew you’d feel intimidated, okay? I wanted to spare you that. Her bloody mother has oiled up to me at every social function since we split, trying to see if I might possibly take her back. That’s undoubtedly what she was about to do when you met her. But what was I supposed to say? ‘Oh, by the way, the Lloyd-Hudsons are my ex-girlfriend’s parents’? Mrs. L-H had already been so awful to you I was afraid knowing that about me would scare you off.”

  The accuracy of the statement stung. Alicia’s jaw clenched, her stomach souring. “So, if you two were such a perfect match, what happened?”

  “She slept with someone else.” His hand flipped up in a dismissive gesture, but his eyes never left hers. “Would you do that to me?”

  Swallowing, Alicia shook her head. “No. Never.” Anger and sympathy swirled inside her, a confused wash of emotion.

  Colin nodded and finally lifted the gaze that had been pinning her in place, his eyes focused somewhere over her head. “That’s what I thought. So why is this other distinction so important to you?”

  Alicia’s throat felt thick. “I don’t know. I just know I’m going to get hurt.”

  “So, you run. And that hurts me.” Colin’s eyes lowered back to her, making her want to weep.

  “Does it?” Her voice flaked with rust.

  His gaze bored into her. “Yes. Does it hurt you?”

  “Of course. But better now than later. When it will hurt worse.”

  “You’re treating that as an inevitability,” he said with a maddening calm.

  “Well, isn’t it inevitable?”

  “No. I’m the product of a man and woman whose families both disapproved of their marriage. Real life Romeo and Juliet, except they lived to have three kids. The only thing that separated them was a car accident. You can’t tell me that some stupid American class differences are stronger than that.”

  He was impossible. That sort of romance, what his parents sounded like they had had, was one in a million. Alicia had no illusions that she would ever be that lucky.

  “I don’t believe in soul mates,” she said.

  “Nor do I. But I do believe in the kind of compatibility that can make two people want to work through their differences.”

  “And you think we have the potential for that?”

  “I do. The question is, do you?”

  She thought for a long moment. She wanted to say yes. Wanted to so badly it hurt inside her. Colin made things s
o easy.

  She didn’t trust easy.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never believed in happily ever after. I’ve never seen it.”

  “Do you need to see it before you believe in it?”

  “You’re asking me to take a leap of faith?”

  “I guess I am.”

  The fatigue that Alicia had felt since the end of the workshop threatened to swamp her. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. “I don’t know. I can’t think straight right now.”

  She heard him move toward her, one large, warm hand settling gently on her shoulder. She didn’t dare reopen her eyes for fear she would break down, and his next words seemed to come from all around her.

  “I won’t pressure you. But will you at least consider it? Consider us?”

  Her eyes were dry and hot. She wanted to run to the other side of the world, and she wanted to wrap herself around him at the same time. “I will try.”

  “Can I call you in a few days?”

  She shook her head. “No. I can’t…just don’t.” Something hollow and dark opened in the pit of her belly. “Don’t call. I can’t promise anything. I know myself too well. Try to forget about me.”

  “Don’t ask for the impossible.”

  Alicia’s eyes snapped open, and Colin reared back at whatever he saw in her eyes. “Then don’t ask the impossible of me.”

  Chapter 19

  The buzzing alarm penetrated Colin’s head like a drill. He groaned into his pillow, reaching a hand out to smack at the clock. His head was throbbing, and his mouth was dry and sour-tasting.

  Monday.

  Last night’s whiskey was not the genius move it had seemed at the time. Colin sat up and scrubbed at his gritty eyes with his fists. Pushing himself up off the mattress with a grunt, he swung his feet to the floor and stomped to the bathroom. He gulped down a glass of water and a couple of aspirin while he waited for the shower to warm up, cursing his stupidity.

  This was going to be one hell of a long day.

  He could feel his dehydrated body absorb the water he had drunk as he stepped into the shower spray. Grabbing the shampoo, he scrubbed his hair. It was long enough to snarl a little around his fingers, and Colin made a mental note to go in for a cut.

  Alicia had seemed to like it shaggy, but there was no guarantee that he would ever see her again. He had spent the latter part of last week and the entire weekend waiting for a call, a text, a knock at the front door.

  Nothing.

  He had to assume that her promise to consider taking that leap of faith would end in her deciding for the option she felt was safer. And if she was going to protect herself, he was going to have to as well. That meant not getting his hopes up.

  After he shaved and dressed, Colin headed downstairs, fetching the Post from his doorstep on the way to the coffee maker. Sipping, he settled in and began to scan the day’s news. A small feature in the Style section caught his eye, a piece on a certain television show that was about to start filming on location in D.C. Knowing he shouldn’t, Colin read, his heart constricting.

  The article wasn’t anything that would have even interested him a month ago. Just a puff piece on the show, noting the critical and popular expectations the show had, given its stars and writing team, and some casting news.

  Alicia was mistakenly identified as a “local” actress, which made Colin’s jaw clench, wishing it were really true.

  “Here’s your trailer.” The production assistant indicated a door that had a card with her name on it to Alicia. Her role was big enough that it merited a share of a “triple banger” trailer, consisting of three private rooms for three different actors, each with an en-suite bathroom. This was a step up from all the television she had previously done, where her dressing room had been one of five tiny cubicles in a “honeywagon” with the bathroom in its own separate trailer.

  “Thanks,” she said as she opened the door, but the PA was already turning away, talking into her headset. Alicia rolled her eyes and entered her new little home away from home. The furniture was comfortable and neutral, with no distracting colors or strange details. Putting her bag down on a beige armchair, she leafed through the new script pages that the PA had handed to her.

  Exterior: Day, The Sculpture Garden at the National Gallery.

  Alicia’s hand flew up to her mouth, memories of that afternoon with Colin flooding through her. Shoulders rigid, she made herself breathe deeply.

  The last few days had been a slog of rebuilding her usual life. Doing things on her own, taking care of everything herself. She should feel better by now. She should feel whole.

  Instead, she kept thinking about the promise she made to Colin. The promise to think about the two of them and if they could have a future.

  But how could they have a future with their differences? Her brain, traitor that it was, handed her own words back to her.

  But when you let your guard down…you’re kind. You listen. You don’t assume.

  Her treacherous mind continued on that path, reminding her how his lips felt on hers, his solid muscles under her hands, the wild heat that he could make coil inside her.

  And…he’s a good man. A good person. Kind and smart.

  Her lips compressed, and she tried to re-focus on the script pages. This is the biggest job of your life. Don’t get distracted by…whatever that was. The party’s over, remember? It’s time to call it a day.

  “Dude, if you’re not careful you’re going to send that thing into orbit.” Russell’s dark eyes widened as he stood behind the weight bench, watching Colin rhythmically shove a barbell toward the ceiling.

  Colin grunted and pushed the weight up one more time, arms trembling. He nodded at Russell, who helped him rack it. Sitting up, Colin wiped down the bench with a towel.

  “Your turn,” he said, nodding at the weight.

  “Given your mood, I’m not sure I trust you to spot me. You look like you want to murder someone. What’s going on?” Despite his words, Russell lay on the bench and lowered the weight to his chest, preparing to press.

  “Alicia. She left.”

  Russell blew out a breath as he began to lift. “Back to New York?”

  “No. She’s got another job here. But…we’re not together anymore.”

  “That was…fast. What happened?” Russell grunted slightly as he pushed the bar up.

  Colin gritted his teeth. Exercise was supposed to burn off tension, but it wasn’t working today. He felt even more wound up than when they had walked into the gym an hour before.

  “It was the education thing. Some sort of ridiculous class nonsense. She insists her background is so different from mine that we’re doomed from the start.”

  Russell’s dark, shaved head shone with sweat, and his eyes focused with concentration on the ceiling as he kept a slow, even tempo with the weight. “So, is that it? It’s over? Or are you going to try to get her back?”

  “Well, she promised she would at least think about making a go of it.”

  “And you don’t believe her?” Russell sighed as he racked the weight, sitting up and shaking out his arms. “Again?”

  Colin scrubbed his hand over his face. “We moved beyond that, Russ. It’s not that I don’t trust her. But I don’t know what she’s going to do.”

  Russell took a long drink from his water bottle and wiped his mouth. “Sucks to have it taken out of your hands, doesn’t it?”

  Colin huffed a short, mirthless laugh. “Yeah. I want to go camp out in her front garden until she agrees to give us a chance. But I promised I’d give her space.” Space. It reminded him of her insistence that they were from different worlds—aliens visiting new planets.

  “Yeah, no. Chicks don’t dig the stalker thing.” Russell moved away from the bench and toward the rack of smaller free weights, Colin trailing behind. Taking two dumbbells, Russell began alternating bicep curls. “You just going to stand there, or are you going to lift?”

  Colin mentally shook himself and selected weig
hts of his own, concentrating on the steady rise and fall of the dumbbells in his hands, first one side, then the other. He watched his own biceps bunch and stretch and tried not to think about the way Alicia had run her fingers over his arms, seeming to like the size and solidity of them.

  Closing his eyes, he let his arms hang at his sides and shrugged his shoulders, trying to release the tension that had made him ready to snap at everyone and everything all day. In his self-imposed darkness, Russell’s voice carried over the clanks and grunts of the weight room; “Time to get you a beer, my friend.”

  Two days later, Alicia shut the door of her trailer, kicked her shoes into the corner and flopped into an armchair, flexing and pointing her toes.

  Fucking heels. The balls of her feet throbbed. Standing on the sidewalk doing take after take in stilettos in D.C.’s August heat could kill a girl. A tap on the trailer door made her groan, and her head dropped to rest on the back of the armchair.

  “Come in,” she called, raising her head. The door opened, and Laura Wu, the episode’s director, poked her head in. Alicia scrambled to her feet. “Laura, hi. What can I do for you?”

  Laura adjusted her baseball cap, her long, dark ponytail trailing out of the hole in the back. “I can come back later if you need a minute, Alicia. I just wanted to chat about something with you.”

  “No, come on in. Have a seat.” Alicia waved at the love seat in the small room, trying to ignore the flutter of nervousness in her gut and plopped back into the armchair. “I was just recovering from foot fatigue.”

  Laura wrinkled her nose as she sat down. “I don’t envy actresses’ wardrobes. Life behind the camera has many distinct advantages.” Waving a hand to indicate her own faded Wonder Woman tee shirt, worn jeans, and sneakers, she leaned back. “And that’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about. Wardrobe. Or the opposite.”

  Dread curled in Alicia’s stomach. “The nude scene?”

  “Yeah. I want to change it.” Laura’s dark eyes, intense and intelligent, bored into Alicia.