by D. Kelly
Inside the hospital was a different story. Everyone in our lives was broken beyond repair. I wanted to comfort my family, but I was lost in my head. Allie, Tyler, and Sasha texted constantly, but I don’t remember if I replied. I vaguely recall talking to Sasha for a few minutes so she would know what was going on, but it’s not like she hadn’t heard it on the news.
At first, I thought maybe I would be okay, but the feeling fled as soon as I watched Sawyer shatter in front of my eyes. My parents forced me to go in and say goodbye to Noah. I know one day I’ll be thankful they did, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Even in his grief, Sawyer has been taking care of everything and everyone. And he doesn’t let Noah’s son out of his arms unless he has to. I wish I could help him, but I don’t even know where to begin.
My phone dings and I open it to a photo of Allie and FB along with a text message.
Allie: Just wanted to let you know FB is being well-loved while you’re away. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jordan, and I won’t keep bothering you—just know I’m here anytime and I’m keeping you and your family in my heart.
There’s a light knock on my door before Sawyer pops his head in. “You’re still awake?”
I sit up and turn on the light. “Yeah. Sleep won’t be my friend for a long time.”
He sits next to me with the baby in his arms. “I’m with you there. Do you think you could do me a favor? Everyone is asleep. At least, I think they are, and I haven’t showered in days. Can you hold Nate while I clean up? I just can’t leave him alone … not even for a second, in case …” Sawyer sobs, and my heart aches even more.
“I’ll take him. You can even shower in here if you want to be closer. Does he need a bottle or a diaper or anything?”
Sawyer shakes his head sadly and passes me the baby. “He just needs his dad and love. We can’t give him Noah, but we can give him love. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Sawyer hands Nate to me, and I scoot up to the top of my bed, propping myself against the headboard. Tears fall from my eyes as I look down at him, but a rush of relief floods through me. Part of Noah is still with us, and this little boy is going to be cherished by this family for the rest of his life.
It suddenly hits me that this must be the same kind of relief Mom felt when she found out I had survived the shooting. While I was recovering, I often heard her thanking God that she still had a piece of Carol—my mom—with her.
For so many years, I’ve fought to keep people away, to maintain a safe distance and not let anyone in my heart, but as I sit here staring down at little Nate, I have to wonder if I’ve been doing it all wrong. Life is fleeting, and people are ripped away in an instant whether we let them in or not. If Nate hadn’t been conceived, we wouldn’t have a piece of Noah with us anymore.
Maybe it’s the medicine, or maybe it’s an awakening of my own making, but it’s time for things to change in my life.
“Hey, little guy, I’m Uncle Jordan. You’re going to be seeing a lot of me so you better get used to me. Your daddy was one of the people I love most in the whole world. I don’t think I told him enough, but I hope he knew.”
“He knew, J. We all do,” Sawyer says, coming back into the room. “Why don’t you set him down for a minute? I could really use a hug.”
Carefully, I lay Nate down, and Sawyer wraps his arms around me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t more help for you at the hospital, Sawyer. It was just …”
We’re both sobbing and holding on to each other. “It’s okay, J. I don’t think I would have been receptive to it anyway. I was thrown into the past and the present at the same time. It’s going to take a long time to process this and figure out how to move forward. Life without Noah wouldn’t be worth living if not for Nate.”
Sawyer’s words resonate deep within me. “My life wouldn’t be the same without you. Please remember I need you too, Sawyer. One of your brothers is still here. I may not be your twin, but I’m what you’ve got.”
“Fuck, J, I didn’t mean it like that. I’d feel the same way if anything happened to you. The three of us have always been unbreakable, but now we’re missing a piece. It’s beyond messed up.”
Nate begins to fuss, and Sawyer picks him up. He opens his eyes and blinks up at us.
“Maybe Nate can help keep a piece of him with us now.”
Sawyer nods his agreement. “There is nothing I won’t do for this little guy or his mom.”
“Me either. How is she doing? Is there something I can do to help?”
“Just stick around, J. It’s going to be all hands on deck for a while. Mel has a lot of recovering to do and a lot of loss to process.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Sasha and I have run the bar while Jordan has been gone the past three weeks. It’s not the same without him, but staying busy helps me keep my mind off how much I miss him. I’ve been staying at his house with FB too. Curled up in his bed at night, surrounded by his scent, is when I miss him the most. I hope he’s taking care of himself.
I feel so helpless. J lost his brother and all I can do is feed his cat. We’re just not in a place where I can show up to his brother’s house or to the funeral. The fact his family is famous doesn’t make anything easier. Not even Sasha was able to go to the funeral yesterday, and as far as I know, neither did Tyler.
The outside of the bar has a large memorial area set up where one of the paintings on the building is a portrait-style painting of the band. Fans have been coming from near and far to pay their respects, and the bar has been super busy. Sasha has made every night open mic night, and lots of local indie bands have been coming by to perform. Although it’s sad, it’s a beautiful thing to be a part of. I wish more than anything J was in the right frame of mind to witness it.
I miss him like crazy. Not just the way he kisses me or the electric chemistry we have but the way he looks at me. I miss the way he cuddles me in bed and talks to me. I’ve learned so much about Jordan the past few months, but I also know we’ve just scratched the tip of the iceberg of getting to know each other.
Tyler appears as I’m wiping down the bar after the most recent customer leaves. He’s got dark circles under his eyes and his normal happy-go-lucky demeanor has been replaced with sadness. My heart aches for him. He takes a seat, his sad eyes locking on mine.
“Hey, Allie, have you heard from him?”
“Only briefly when he checks in on FB.”
His brows furrow. “FB?”
“Fat Bastard.”
Tyler chuckles. “That name is well-deserved. You’re taking care of him? Not Sasha?” He doesn’t try to suppress his surprise.
This is so uncomfortable because I don’t know what he knows or doesn’t know about my relationship with Jordan or his cat. “Yeah, he likes me. Most of the time, he curls up in my lap and purrs while I watch movies.”
“Huh, that’s … Wow.”
“What? Is it that hard to believe I’m likeable?” I flash him a smile so he knows I’m teasing, and his shoulders relax. He’s just as nervous around me as I am him.
“No, sorry, this is …”
“Awkward?”
He nods. “Exactly. I’m sure you’re a great person, Allie. Jordan doesn’t fall for just anyone.
“Fall might be a stretch.”
“Don’t underestimate yourself … or J. If he’s dating you, that means something. Jordan doesn’t date anyone but me. And if he’s leaving you with his cat … well, I’m not sure what that means because he doesn’t even leave me with his cat.”
I pass him a beer just to try to cut down on the awkwardness of it all. “All that means is his cat has attached himself to me for some reason. No one seems to get it, but everyone is thankful for it because now they have someone to help with him who actually likes him.”
Tyler drinks his beer, and for the first time, I appreciate his attractiveness. With caramel eyes and a chiseled jaw,
not to mention a fantastic body, he could be a model. Jordan has good taste.
“So have you heard from him?”
Tyler shakes his head. “’I’ve been trying to text and call, but it’s been mostly radio silence. I’m trying to give him space, but Jordan and Noah were really close. Noah was the first person in Jordan’s family he came out to, and he helped J understand his sexuality when he was a teenager. He also encouraged him to be open about it with his family. I wish I had a Noah in my life, and now J doesn’t have one anymore.” Ty’s eyes well up with tears.
I reach across the bar and pat his hand. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I know how difficult families can be. Mine is no walk in the park either. This probably isn’t my place to say …”
His eyes meet mine. “Please … I think we’re beyond that in this weird situation we’re in.”
“Fair enough. I don’t know what you know about me, and I don’t know much about you, but I left a controlling and toxic family situation when I came here. I’ve never felt more at peace, Tyler. My life is far from perfect, but it’s mine. I can live each day how I choose, and the only thing I keep asking myself is why it took me so long to do it.”
“Wow,” he whispers.
“My relationship with my dad was always tense and mostly one-sided. If you’re close with your family, it may be different. I don’t know … maybe they’ll do what my dad didn’t do and come after you. Who knows? Maybe they’ll surprise you and work through the issues with you.”
He releases a sarcastic laugh. “There is only one thing in the world my family hates: men who fuck other men.”
“I’m sorry.” It’s a weak platitude, but I just don’t know what else there is to say.
“Me too.” Ty stands and reaches into his pocket, but I hold up my hand.
“On the house.”
“Thanks.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Allie, if you hear from J, let him know I’d like to talk to him when he’s ready … if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, I will.”
He turns to walk away, but I need to say something before I lose the courage. I hope I’m not about to make things worse. “Hey, Tyler?”
Sadness radiates from him as he turns around with his hands in his pockets. Knowing I’m directly responsible for how he’s feeling hurts more than I imagined it would. “I’m sorry for getting between you two. It was never my intention. I don’t know if it helps, but I was never with him while you guys were dating. I hope you can believe me.”
“It was never your fault. It was mine for always letting him push me away. I should have been firm and fought for what I wanted. That probably says more about me than anything. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes with Jordan. Whatever happens between us, I want him to be happy, and you seem to make him very happy, Allie.”
After Tyler leaves, I stare at the empty space where he’d been standing.
“That seemed intense. Are you okay?” Sasha’s voice brings me to the present.
“Yeah, I am, and I think Tyler is too.”
“You know, this would be much easier for all of you if you and Tyler could fall in love and you guys could live in a plural marriage situation.” She shrugs as my jaw drops. “Tell me that wouldn’t solve your problems.”
“If that makes people happy, I’m all for it. It would be hot as hell to watch, but it’s not me. I’m a one-on-one kind of girl.”
Sasha sighs. “I’m pretty sure J is a one-on-one kind of guy too. Oh well. Have you given any thought to your deadline? It’s the end of summer, Allie.”
It seems like forever ago that Jordan and I talked about that. “I haven’t, but that would be pretty shitty of me to hold him to some deadline when he’s been dealing with life-altering changes. He hasn’t had any time to think about what he wants. I’m sure his grief is the only thing going through his head right now.”
Sasha wraps her arm around me and leans her head on my shoulder. “This is why I love you. You always put other people before yourself. You should have hated me on sight when we met, but you took pity on me instead. It pissed me the fuck off, but I’ve never been more thankful for someone than I am for you.”
Her words bring tears to my eyes. I couldn’t imagine life without my Sash. “I love you too.”
“Ladies, the bar is empty now. Want me to lock up?” Chris looks Sasha over expectantly, and I know they’ve got more planned for the night than closing the bar.
“Yes, please,” Sasha answers as we start wiping down the counters.
My phone rings, and when I pull it from my pocket and see his picture on the screen, my heart flutters.
“It’s J. I’m going to take this in the office.”
“Tell him I love him,” Sasha calls after me.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Allie, how are you?”
I close the door behind me and take a seat in his chair. “I’m fine, Jordan, how are you?”
He sighs. “I’m not sure. It was a long day.”
“Can I do anything?”
“You’re doing it. I just needed to hear your voice. I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. It’s just been …”
I wish I could hug his sadness away. “Jordan, you lost your brother. The last thing you need to do is apologize to me. Sasha and I are here whenever you’re ready, and that won’t change. She said to tell you she loves you. And, uh, Tyler came by the bar tonight. He looks bad, J. You should think about calling him if you haven’t already.” There’s an odd noise on the other end of the line. “What’s that sound?”
He chuckles lightly. “My new nephew sucking his pacifier. I’ve got him so Sawyer can shower. And then I’ll take Darren’s daughter Cadence afterward so he can shower. It’s a rotating system of babies here, but it makes me happy to spend some time with them. They both lost a parent in that accident. It makes me feel somewhat better to have these tiny little humans in my arms and help take care of them, you know?”
The thought of Jordan rocking babies makes my ovaries weep. I bet he would be an incredibly patient father. “I’m sure you’re great with them, and I know they can feel your love. You’re a good man, Jordan Weston. Be proud of that.”
He inhales sharply at my praise. “It’s good to hear your voice, Allie. How’s FB doing?”
“Well, I’ve been staying at your house. It makes it easier to give him the love and attention I thought you might want for him. I hope you don’t mind. He’s doing good, sleeps with me each night.”
“In my bed?” His husky tone washes over me, reminding me how long it’s been since I’ve had his body against mine.
“Yes, is that okay?”
He groans, and I know that sound … intimately. “More than. I’ll be back soon. Sawyer is trying to get things back to a semi-normal state over here. It’s time for them to … develop a routine now that Noah isn’t coming back.” Jordan chokes on his words, and a tear slips down my cheek.
“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I’m here for you and will comfort you however you need. Or if you need time alone, I can give you space as well.”
“The last thing I want is to be alone anymore. Look, Allie, if Tyler comes back … Fuck, I’m sorry you’re in this awkward position in the first place.”
I pick up the photo on his desk of him and his brothers. At least I can see him while we talk. “It’s okay. We had a nice talk tonight, Jordan. It’s not a competition between us. The two of us want the same thing.”
“What’s that?” he whispers.
“Your happiness.”
A muffled sob carries over the line. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
When the line goes dead, I lean back in his chair and take a good look at the photo. Death changes people, and I can’t help but contemplate if Jordan and Sawyer will ever look this carefree again without their brother.
I’m at the part in My Best Friend’s Wedding where Julie Roberts and Dermot Mulroney just kiss
ed. I still hate this movie didn’t end the way I wanted it to, but that doesn’t stop me from watching it again and again and wishing Julianne and Michael would end up together.
I’m lying on my side with FB curled up against my chest, his head on my arm. Headlights shine through the window, and when I hear a car door close, I wonder if it’s Sasha or Jordan. Both of them have a key, and if it’s anyone else, it’s too late for me to answer the door anyway.
My pulse accelerates when the key turns in the lock. I’ve missed the hell out of J, but I don’t want to seem needy or overeager. As the door opens and he steps inside, FB jumps off the couch and immediately rubs himself against Jordan’s legs. I wish I could be that open and free with my love for him. Each day he’s been gone has been another reminder of how hard I’ve fallen for him. Even though I’m trying to play it cool, I’m a mess on the inside.
“Damn, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he says.
“He missed you too.”
His eyes narrow on me. “I’m not talking about the cat, Allie.” That husky tone and smoldering glare send my hormones into overdrive.
“Well, hi yourself.”
After petting his cat, Jordan stalks toward me and pulls me up from the couch. “I never thought coming home to a woman watching chick flicks with my cat would be such a turn-on.”
Once we’re face to face, the deep bags under his eyes and the sadness still lingering in his overall demeanor are evidence of his exhaustion. Throwing my arms around him is the most natural thing in the world right now. He squeezes me tightly, and I feel the shuddering of his chest. Jordan is always so strong; I never thought I’d witness this much of his vulnerable side.
“Oh, Jordan, I’m so sorry.”
He tips my head and lowers his mouth to mine. The kiss is slow and decadent but filled with longing. I didn’t think he could pull me any closer, but he does, and he holds on with everything he’s got. Our tongues meet, and if I didn’t know better, I would swear he’s professing his love with this kiss. It’s filled with want, passion, and most of all, need. He pulls back and leans his head against mine.